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The Funny Firm - Monday 4/18/16               Funnyfirm@aol.com
P.O. Box 1446 Thousand Oaks, Ca. 91358

 

The Los Angeles Rams shocked the football world by trading to get the first pick in the upcoming NFL draft.  The Rams have only been in L.A. for a few weeks and it’s starting to affect their thinking.  *They announced their first round pick will be Brad Pitt.  (Mark Wheeler)

 

A study says that parents with sleep problems think their children have them, too. *Mostly because the fact their kids are staying up all night with their iPads and iPhones is the reason their parents can never get any sleep either.  (Jim Barach)

 

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says there is a “realistic” possibility that London will be getting an NFL franchise. *Which would mean more if it weren’t coming from a league that couldn’t get a team in the nation’s second largest city for 21 years.  (Jim Barach)

 

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos says in a shareholder letter that Amazon is the best place in the world to fail.  *To which all the minimum wage employees sweating it out in the Amazon warehouses are saying, Tell us about it.  (Jim Barach)

 

Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khameni launched a fertility campaign which is designed to get Iran’s population doubled to one hundred fifty million people. He’s offering gold coins to couples who produce babies. *If he really wanted to increase pregnancies, he should start by legalizing alcohol.  (Argus Hamilton)

 

Sports Illustrated ran a cover story titled What in the World Happened to Tiger Woods, chronicling his career collapse ever since the sex scandal six years ago. Tiger’s game collapsed and he’s lost a lot of endorsements. *However, until an ugly mistress turns up, the Lasik Eye Center is standing by him.  (Argus Hamilton)

 

Car and Driver magazine published a survey which found that motorists rank Prius drivers as the worst drivers in America. *They’re just insufferable. Prius drivers in Los Angeles stare at their miles-per-gallon on the dashboards until their kids beg them to get more focused on the road and text.  (Argus Hamilton)

 

McDonald’s posted a menu of all its food items that are less than four hundred calories. They are all promoting healthy eating now.  *Subway posted calorie counts on its menu boards at their twenty-seven thousand restaurants Friday, and not to be outdone, Chipotle began posting body counts.  (Argus Hamilton)

 

The country of Wales claims they have made the world's first "selfie bench.” *Not to be confused with the husbands-in-waiting bench on the Kardashian front porch. (Bill Williams)

 

University of Chicago researchers have discovered that dolphins not only have long memories, they can turn violent. *They suspected that back in 1962 when Flipper had his agent rubbed out because he never returned his calls. (Bob Mills)

 

The CDC has found that the Zika virus is more of an STD than previously believed. *They recommend men use Trojan's new "Love Bite" prophylactic that’s lubricated with scented mosquito repellent.  (Bob Mills)

 

Prince William and Kate Middleton are enjoying their first visit to India. *This week they went on a safari and next week they'll be contestants on Slum Dog Millionaire. (Bob Mills)



The Funny Firm - Tuesday 4/19/16               Funnyfirm@aol.com
P.O. Box 1446 Thousand Oaks, Ca. 91358

 

A new survey shows that Trader Joe's is no longer America's favorite grocery store.  It's devastating news for Trader Joe's.  *Even more devastating for the makers of Hawaiian shirts.  (Paul Dudley)

 

Alaska Airlines has merged with Virgin Air. *They probably should rethink their new name, though...AskaVirgin.  (Bob Mills)

 

A test flight of North Korea’s touted new Musudan mid-range ballistic missile lasted only seconds, exploding a few hundred feet above the launch pad. It wasn’t the first disaster for the missile’s designer, Kim Jong Sperling. *He used to be Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un’s barber.  (Bob Mills)

 

Two Carnival Cruise ships have been cited for having cockroaches in their kitchens. *The Miami Health Department had outside help in cracking the case. Exterminators on shore noticed them packing for a cruise and followed them to the Carnival departure gate.  (Bob Mills)

 

A hotel in New Zealand banned Lycra bicycle shorts in their restaurant because other customers did not want to see unsightly bumps and bulges. *Their new dress code is, No Shirt, No Shoes, No Cup, No Service. (Bill Williams)

 

What do the Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney, Neil Young, The Who, and Bob Dylan have in common? All will perform at a mega concert this October. *Oh, and Pride Mobility Go-Go Scooters. (Bill Williams)

 

A Brooklyn man broke the Guinness world’s record for watching TV, 94 hours straight. *Oddly enough this prestigious award did not get him any new calls on Match dot com. (Bill Williams)

 

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said it’s likely that London will soon be awarded its own NFL team. It’s been heading in that direction. *In England, they drink beer by the pints and they drive on the left side of the road, so for most NFL players the only adjustment is the time change.  (Argus Hamilton)

 

The Post Office announced the price of a first class stamp will be reduced by two cents per stamp. They deserve to party. *The Treasury Department just announced that the Postal Service lost three billion dollars last year, making it by far the most profitable branch of the U.S. government.  (Argus Hamilton)

 

The European Union delayed a June member’s summit until after British voters decide if they want Great Britain to get out of the EU. Tensions are high. *Many fear that if Great Britain votes to leave the European Union, secession fever may spread across the pond and Southern California will vote to leave Mexico.  (Argus Hamilton)

 

Former star of MTV’s “Laguna Beach” Casey Reinhardt says she is pregnant. Which at age 29 means she is 13 years too late to be cast in that condition on any other MTV shows.  (Jim Barach)

 

A study says that students who write their notes in class outperform those who are typing them. Educators were surprised. There are students who still know how to write?  (Jim Barach)


The Funny Firm - Wednesday 4/20/16               Funnyfirm@aol.com
P.O. Box 1446 Thousand Oaks, Ca. 91358

 

A photographer claims he caught two male African lions engaging in homosexual behavior. *The Lions were apparently enjoying themselves, but they scared the heck out of other shoppers at Pottery Barn.  (Paul Dudley)

 

Las Vegas casino owner Steve Wynn told an investors pitch meeting that nobody likes to hang out with poor people. He’s combative. *Last year, Steve Wynn got into a fight with George Clooney at his hotel in Las Vegas, but in Wynn’s defense, Clooney was probably there planning to rob the casino.  (Argus Hamilton)

 

Melania Trump introduced Donald at his campaign rallies in New York. It was a shrewd move. *Baby Boomer men no longer care about world peace or the brotherhood of people, or the future of the U.S. economy, they just want to look at Trump’s wife for the next four years.  (Argus Hamilton)

 

Ted Cruz ran into a buzz saw of angry voters in New York when he walked through the Bronx campaigning for the GOP primary. The locals hounded him and shouted at him and swore at him. *The Bronx is so combative that it’s the only city in America that has a North Koreatown.  (Argus Hamilton)

 

Penises of circumcised men are just as sensitive as those of uncircumcised men, according to researchers in Canada. Now I’m all for science and the pursuit of knowledge but...*I don’t think it was fair they didn’t tell the volunteers the test involved a Levis zipper. (Bill Williams)

 

For a medical experiment in England 10 volunteers were given an injection of LSD. *Turned out to be the only way anyone could make sense out of Matt LeBlanc on the new Top Gear. (Bill Williams) 

 

Starting next month Mars Food Company is labeling their products “occasional” food and “everyday” food. They say some are for lunches and some are for banquets. *Kinda’ like a wife and a mistress. (Bill Williams)

 

Pope Francis has opened an Instagram account. He’s gone completely social media on Twitter, Pinerest, and Facebook. Be careful if he friends you, though. *If the relationship turns, he doesn’t unfriend...he excommunicates. (Bob Mills)

 

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters that there’s a better than even chance that London will be the next site of a league franchise. Makes a lot of sense. *They have everything they could possibly need to support an NFL team...Wembley Stadium, plenty of marriage counselors, Scotland Yard probation officers, and Noho strip clubs.  (Bob Mills)

 

Staples is planning on turning a part of some stores into office space for lease. *Which sounds like a good idea until they realize the money they make from rent will be lost by people coming to work who now have a whole store to steal office supplies from.  (Jim Barach)

 

A report says that athletic gear makers are finding their workout clothes are too “sporty.” *Apparently what they need to do is appeal more towards the average American consumer and start making patterns that more closely match their couch.  (Jim Barach)

 

A report says that Wrigley Field in Chicago is the second most expensive park to watch a baseball game. *It would be the most expensive but fans get to save some cash without the option of being able to buy souvenir World Series pennants.  (Jim Barach)






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