The Funny Firm - Friday 9/30/11
“Travel + Leisure" magazine says New York City's Times Square is the world's top tourist attraction. It’s estimated that 80-percent of the 49-million tourists who came to New York last year visited Times Square. The second most visited place in the world? *Paris Hilton's bedroom. (Paul Dudley)
The Dead Sea Scrolls are available online. For centuries, they sat unnoticed in dark caves. *Or, as we'd call them today, Borders. (Alan Ray)
A grizzly bear attacked an elk hunter armed with a bow and arrows near Yellowstone Park. *The man said when he aimed the bow and arrow at the bear, he’s certain he heard it start laughing. (Jerry Perisho)
A group of mothers is upset that Ben & Jerry’s has a new flavor called Schweddy Balls, named after a SNL skit. *They will not let their children eat an ice cream with that name, but the 1200 calories-per-spoonful doesn’t bother them at all. (Jerry Perisho)
Long distance swimmer Diana Nyad, 62, failed after 40 hours on a second attempt to swim from Cuba to Florida. *The Portuguese Man ‘O War stings are almost as painful as the drop in Florida real estate values. (Jerry Perisho)
New York cheered the replica seventeenth-century ship Half Moon as it sailed up the Hudson on the four hundredth anniversary of Henry Hudson's voyage. He was looking for a waterway to India. *England was trying to reach tech support after the abacus froze up. (Argus Hamilton)
Don't Ask, Don't Tell ended when the U.S. military began taking applications from openly gay recruits. It'll be a great fighting force. *We could be first army in history to train soldiers to be combat ready on a moment's notice by having them shower together. (Argus Hamilton)
Michael Jackson's doctor's trial in L.A. is being televised. The public demanded it. *If you miss details of how much Valium, how much Demerol, and how much Propofol he mixed for a good night's sleep, the recipe will be posted on the Food Network's website. (Argus Hamilton)
A study says that body odor could be a product of a person’s genes. *Although it is unknown what in a person’s genes would keep them from picking up a bar of soap or a can of deodorant once in awhile. (Jim Barach)
Scientists say that laughter makes us feel good because it emits endorphins. *Leave it to scientists to even take the fun out of laughing. (Jim Barach)
Once the Queen of the Skies, Pan American World Airways is now the background for a TV series called "Pan Am." The trend toward using defunct American institutions as settings for TV shows may be catching on. *The History Channel is working on two of them to be titled "Lehman Brothers" and "Morgan Stanley." (Bob Mills)
A Montgomery Alabama judge gives convicted defendants a choice of jail, a fine or a promise to attend church services every Sunday. *He views it as an accurate test of what's more popular -- conjugal visits, Alexander Hamilton or Jesus. (Bob Mills)
The Funny Firm - Thursday 9/29/11
The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. His funeral was attended by those who loved him most. *Friends, family…stoners. (Paul Dudley)
Einstein's theory that nothing is faster than the speed of light may be wrong. Atomic scientists have discovered a neutrino that is faster. *To add insult to injury, Guinness has certified that there's something even faster than the neutrino -- Joy Behar's tongue. (Bob Mills)
Hackers invaded Scarlett Johansson's personal web site and have spread nude photos of her across the Internet. To add to her embarrassment, she took the photos herself with her cell phone. *This has to be the worst thing to happen to a Scarlett since "Gone With the Wind." (Bob Mills)
Some upscale restaurants are now doing what was once unthinkable -- allowing patrons to make reservations on the Internet. One big drawback, though. *Customers who do that usually find that their waiter is from Delhi and knows nothing but computer menus. (Bob Mills)
By 2020 the U.S. Military sees drones making up a significant percentage of our forces. *Ahead of schedule, drones already make up 100 percent of Congress. (Jim Taylor)
AT&T users in Los Angeles recently had cell phone service disrupted. What a distraction. *It caused thousands of people to focus on their driving. (Alan Ray)
“Lion King 3D” tops box office. Unique special effects. *That object flying at your face is the 2 year old in the front row’s sippy cup. (Alan Ray)
German pubs opened their annual Oktoberfest celebration throughout Germany last week. The Germans drink for three consecutive weeks every October. *It took France and Russia a thousand years to deduce that the time to take back their country is in November. (Argus Hamilton)
The U.S. military started taking applications from openly gay recruits, officially ending Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Tensions are unavoidable. *No violence in the barracks is expected until next week when Dancing with the Stars is up against Monday Night Football. (Argus Hamilton)
Wrigley Field in Chicago announced it'll hold a Movie Night in mid-October and show Ferris Bueller's Day off on the stadium's three big jumbo screens. *The Cubs are out of the playoffs and the stadium is available. Movie Night has been on the schedule since April. (Argus Hamilton)
The alternative rock group R.E.M. broke up. *Dang, now I don’t know how I am going to get the baby to sleep. (Jerry Perisho)
Wal-Mart wants to polish its image by empowering women by doing business with more companies run by women. *A woman will know she is truly empowered when she doesn’t have to shop at Wal-Mart. (Jim Barach)
The Funny Firm - Wednesday 9/28/11
Eastern Michigan University has banned medical marijuana on campus. Eastern Michigan joins the University of Michigan, Oakland University and
Michigan State University in banning medical marijuana on campus. *Not to worry, students at the University of Santa Cruz in California will take up the
slack. (Paul Dudley)
Saudi Arabia's king announced women will be given the right to vote. *The Saudi women are very excited and have decided to use it right away and vote
off Nancy Grace. (Bill Williams)
The inventor of Doritos, Arch West, has died at 97. *It's a wonder what you can come up with when you're high, hungry, and all you've got is salt,
cardboard and Cheez Whiz. (Bill Williams)
A California hockey mom is accused of having sex with her son's teammate. She claims it started with a body check during an exhibition game and that
led to some high sticking. (Jim Taylor)
German scientists in Berlin have developed an automobile that operates itself without the aid of a human driver. Unfortunately, it quickly seems top
adapt the bad habits of its owner. *Already, one was pulled over and arrested for driving under the influence of WD-40. (Bob Mills)
After an amazing 40 years and 10,463 episodes, ABC's "All My Children" has left the air. *Fittingly, its replacement will be a cooking show called
"The Chew," designed especially to teach the average "All My Children" fan how to get used to wearing dentures. (Bob Mills)
A kindergartener in Missouri brought a bag of crystal meth and a crack pipe to school for show and tell. *You know which kid it was; he’s the one
with the rotten teeth who’s hanging from the ceiling lights during naptime. (Jerry Perisho)
Federal prosecutors say the popular Full Tilt Poker website was nothing but a giant Ponzi scheme. *So, it was like the Social Security system, except with Full Tilt Poker you had at least a small chance of getting your money back. (Jerry Perisho)
The NFL sent a memo to all teams warning of fines if players fake injuries during a game. *The memo was prompted by a legal threat from professional wrestling.
(Jerry Perisho)
Italy's prime minister Silvio Berlusconi was caught on tape saying he had sex with eight women on New Year's Eve. He swears he's happily married. *No
line in politics gets a bigger laugh than when the leader of Italy tells his parliament that the state of the union is good. (Argus Hamilton)
The Department of Health released statistics showing a huge shift in U.S. drug habits. For the first time more people died from prescription drugs
than illegal drugs. *The Jackson family never should have published that book of Michael's favorite recipes. (Argus Hamilton)
New York lawmakers made plans to push Las Vegas-style casinos in New York City. The demand is huge. *People want a place where they can go and have a
couple of drinks and make some fast money, and the New York Stock Exchange lost its liquor license. (Argus Hamilton)
The Funny Firm - Tuesday 9/27/11
NASA is developing space taxis to shuttle astronauts to the International Space Station. It will take some serious engineering and new technologies. *First off, they have to design a space helmet for the drivers that can accommodate a turban. (Paul Dudley)
Former pizza guy Herman Cain surprised rival Rick Perry with an upset victory on Saturday in a Republican presidential straw poll in Florida. Though, it may actually be a miscount. *See, the pollsters counted all raised hands AND all flashing right blinkers. (Bill Williams)
Faced with ever-increasing fan violence during games, the NFL will soon enforce a rule requiring that everyone entering the stadium undergo a pat-down search. *They'll be looking for drugs, contraband, weapons -- and in the case of Tony Romo, broken bones. (Bob Mills)
Police in Berlin are investigating a man who emerged from the forest carrying a backpack and no identification. He proceeded to give the authorities a fantastic story. *He says he was hiking with some other guys along the Iran-Iraq border, when suddenly, out of nowhere… (Bob Mills)
The NFL ordered teams to frisk every fan who comes into NFL stadiums. They're going way overboard. *It's one thing to check everyone for weapons, it's another thing to tell people to stay in their seats and not go to the lavatory for the last two minutes of the game. (Argus Hamilton)
NASCAR officials announced the sport will attempt to go green by planting trees around the track and on the infield. This is insane. *If the drivers crash into just one of those trees it could end their PGA careers and cost them two hundred million in alimony. (Argus Hamilton)
Peyton Manning got stem-cell therapy in Switzerland on his injured neck. Fat cells from the stomach are used to regenerate old cells and make them new. *Nobody realized until now that Americans had the fountain of youth hanging over their belt buckle. (Argus Hamilton)
Gisele Bundchen, supermodel wife of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, was stopped for speeding in Massachusetts and given only a verbal warning. *The state trooper says he frequently delivers 90-minute lectures on speeding and asks drivers to autograph his boxers. (Jerry Perisho)
Trying to lure Lakers star Kobe Bryant to play in Europe, an Italian basketball team offered him $600,000 per game to play for them. *$600,000 per game sounds like poker night at A-Rod’s house. (Jerry Perisho)
The latest season of “Dancing With The Stars” is in full swing. *I started a new drinking game; I took a shot every time someone in my house yelled, “Oh my God, why are we watching this?” (Jerry Perisho)
A new trend is for couples to throw “reveal parties” to announce the sex of their unborn babies. *Those are nowhere near as awkward as parties where they reveal the baby’s real father. (Jim Barach)
The producer of “Live! With Regis & Kelly” says that it will be a matter of chemistry in picking a replacement for Regis. *Of course, chemistry is how they have managed to keep Regis alive for this long in the first place. (Jim Barach)
The Funny Firm - Monday 9/26/11
People's TV watching habits are starting to change. According to a new interclick survey, 35-percent of TV viewers are active on their computers, mobile devices, or tablets while watching the tube. *It’s amazing people can engage in all that, and still keep their eyes on the road. (Paul Dudley)
Hallmark has created a series of greeting cards that reflect the bad economy. *Nice try, but I don’t think that will work. *I doubt unemployed Americans are in the mood to send a thank-you note to the repo man. (JL Strickland)
The leading sperm bank is no longer taking donations from redheads. *Carrot Top and Ronald McDonald have filed a class action suit. (JL Strickland)
Former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn told French TV that he suffered from a "moral failing" when he assaulted a New York chambermaid. *But you have to remember the French term for "moral failing" is "le comprimision ala moral" which, roughly translated means, "Undress. I'm on a coffee break." (Bob Mills)
Microsoft revealed some features of the new Windows 8 operating system. *According to a press release sent out to distributors by Bill Gates, the system's tech support has been completely upgraded and now includes complementary curry recipes. (Bob Mills)
Philadelphia Eagles backup quarterback Vince Young says he has an imposter who is posing in the community as him. *If you suspect you see a Vince Young imposter, ask him the throw a pass; if it’s accurate, he’s a fake. (Jerry Perisho)
Rob Kardashian is one of the stars on “Dancing With The Stars”, this season. *He is the really untalented Kardashian. (Jerry Perisho)
In this terrible economic environment, public and private universities have been struggling with endowment losses. *As it turns out, the only ones that are well-endowed are the women’s schools, and we think they’re padding their numbers. (Jerry Perisho)
Virgin Atlantic announced it will allow customers to download video and audio files via Wi-Fi to their laptops and tablets during flights. Technology is amazing. *You can now join the Mile High Club all by yourself under a blanket without ever leaving your seat. (Argus Hamilton)
The TSA announced new rules for passing kids through airport security checkpoints. The changes were necessary. *It was taking so long to get children through security that parents were buying plane tickets just for a few hours of baby-sitting service. (Argus Hamilton)
A report says that hospitals across the country are continuing to improve their performance. *Apparently their patient billing almost always goes out right on time. (Jim Barach)
A study says that electronic cigarettes help smokers kick the habit. *Especially when the batteries are replaced by a 120 volt current. (Jim Barach)
The Funny Firm - Friday 8/26/11
Less of a person's private area is now being revealed by new airport body scanners. The Transportation Security Administration says the Automated Target Recognition technology only shows a generic body shape. *You gotta know at some point somebody’s wife is going to pass through and say, “Do I look fat in this?” (Paul Dudley)
Hurricane Irene may cause the evacuation of the east coast from New York all the way to North Carolina. *There hasn't been a mass evacuation like this since Snooki took her road trip down US95. (Bill Williams)
Kim Kardashian's wedding gown had a tulle skirt with a Basque waist and Chantilly lace set off by a pair of Giuseppe Zanotti shoes. *Pretty impressive for a bride who became famous for not wearing anything at all. (Bob Mills)
Over sixty-thousand grocery workers have voted to strike southern California supermarkets. Could take awhile, though. *Last time they struck, it took them a month to decide whether to print their picket signs on paper or plastic. (Bob Mills)
A 15-year old UK girl has been fitted with bionic fingers to replace those she lost after contracting chickenpox. *The fingers were developed by a Scottish firm that provides bionic middle fingers for New York City cabbies. (Bob Mills)
Emma Watson’s costar in an upcoming movie says about her performance, “You better gird your loins.” *“Gird your loins” sounds like some weird British dish, like “bangers and mash”. (Jerry Perisho)
Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith deny reports that they have separated. *He denied it from his home in Paris; she denied it from her home in the Napa Valley. (Jerry Perisho)
The Miami Hurricanes went under NCAA probe after a football booster said he gave players cash, jewelry, hookers and a yacht with a wet bar. It's caught the national attention. *In Charlie Sheen's new CBS sitcom he's going to play a red shirt freshman at Miami. (Argus Hamilton)
USA Today reports the popularity of Extreme Couponing on TLC is sparking the theft of newspapers from stores and driveways. Recession-racked shoppers are stealing to have more coupons. *It's the first good news for the newspaper industry since Pearl Harbor. (Argus Hamilton)
Burger King is rolling out a new burger called the California Whopper. *Until now, the California Whopper referred to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s excuses to Maria as to where he really was. (Jim Barach)
More companies are becoming lenient about employees napping at work. *Mostly because they are working them so hard they just end up staying at the office 24 hours a day. (Jim Barach)
A study says that being in love can enhance a person's athletic performance. *Which is why Alex Rodriguez is so good. He just keeps falling more and more in love with himself every day. (Jim Barach)
The Funny Firm - Thursday 8/25/11
Over sixty-thousand grocery workers have voted to strike southern California supermarkets. With the workers on strike, there could be long lines at the stores, inexperienced workers, and un-stocked shelves. *So basically, it will be business as usual. (Paul Dudley)
A Chinese farmer has successfully completed a maiden flight in his home-made flying saucer.
*He's now totally self-sufficient in crop circles. (Ian Searle)
Three-time Kentucky Derby-winning jockey Calvin Borel arrested for DWI. Life has its ironies. He can win by a nose. *He just can’t touch it. (Alan Ray)
A study says a daily drink may lower the risk of Alzheimer’s. What’s Lindsay Lohan’s term for that first cocktail of the day? *Breakfast. (Alan Ray)
A study of international sexual habits shows that for adulterers, Paris provides the most discreet hotel workers. *Yet another reason that the makers of Viagra often use shots of the Eiffel Tower in their European TV commercials. (Bob Mills)
A study of youth sports shows that high school and college basketball players suffer fewer injuries on the court if they wear braces on their ankles. *Already, Nike is developing the LaBron James "Mr. Achilles 500" that will sell for $95 a pair. (Bob Mills)
A new dating website caters to people who want to date but can’t have sex. *Otherwise known as being married. (Jim Barach)
Police in Santa Cruz, California are using a math formula to predict crime. That’s pretty obvious. *When people’s money is down to zero, they start to steal. (Jim Barach)
A Michigan man tried to drive his truck with no brakes home using his feet to try to stop. *He hit four other cars, and then kept asking for directions on how to get back to Bedrock. (Jim Barach)
A Miami Hurricanes booster said he gave college players cash, jewelry, hookers and a yacht with a wet bar. It really works for recruiting. *The new NFL contract is so terrible a lot of the NFL players have decided to go back to school so they can maintain their lifestyle. (Argus Hamilton)
Kobe Bryant was accused by a man of assaulting him during church in San Diego. The NBA star thought he saw the man taking cell phone pictures of his wife in the sanctuary. *Every time he sees a camera that's not pointed at him, he is overcome with rage. (Argus Hamilton)
IBM unveiled an experimental computer chip that mimics the human brain in the way it perceives, acts and thinks. It's got neurons and synapses that see, classify, differentiate and remember. *Already it can't find work in the U.S. because it is overqualified. (Argus Hamilton)
The Funny Firm - Wednesday 8/24/11
Kim Kardashian's wedding day also turned out to be a big pay day for the reality TV star. "The Hollywood Reporter" says "People" magazine is paying one-point-five-million-dollars for exclusive photos of the big weekend event. *That comes to 750 thousand per cheek. (Paul Dudley)
Burger King has dumped its king mascot. The final commercial depicts his fatal demise. *After eating a whopper, he has a massive coronary. (Alan Ray)
The Chicago Cubs have fired GM Jim Hendry. He’s got a sweet severance package. *He doesn’t have to sit through any more Cubs games. (Alan Ray)
There was rioting in the streets of Tripoli. *I am just totally out of it; I didn’t even know they had a championship-contending soccer team. (Jerry Perisho)
A recent survey found LeBron James to be the most unpopular athlete in the NBA. *But, he still has some work to do to catch Tiger Woods in the overall competition. (Jerry Perisho)
Where will World War III most likely break out?
a. On the Libyan border.
b. In Iran.
*c. At a Georgetown-China basketball game.
(Jerry Perisho)
President's Cup captain Fred Couples said he'll keep his word and offer Tiger Woods a spot on the team this fall. It's an international team competition. *Like always it's the world versus the U.S., plus whichever countries are helping us in Afghanistan this week. (Argus Hamilton)
The American Hospital Association reported a critical shortage of drugs. There are shortages of Demerol, Dilaudid and the anesthesia Propofol. *It happens every year when the Riviera Hotel holds auditions for a new Michael Jackson in the Legends show. (Argus Hamilton)
A study of popular medical mores shows that a married man suffering a heart attack will more likely receive prompt treatment than a bachelor with the same symptoms. Makes sense. *After those wedding bells ring, you can be pretty sure that stabbing pain in your heart isn't caused by Cupid's arrow. (Bob Mills)
An angler in the U.K. battled to reel-in what he thought was the catch of a lifetime - only to find he had hooked a scuba diver between the legs. *Both were in danger of losing their tackle! (Ian Searle)
This is the most exciting time of the year in the NFL. *The groundskeepers are laying down new chalk lines, the trainers are checking and double checking their equipment, and the new draft picks are assigned a locker, a parking space, and a training Hollywood starlet. (Bob Mills)
Despite rumors to the contrary, Brett Favre's agent insists that his aging client has no interest in signing with the Miami Dolphins. Too bad. *The Dolphins were already preparing to make him feel welcome -- they installed a new shower with wheelchair access and everything. (Bob Mills)
The Funny Firm - Tuesday 8/23/11
NBC has given the okay to develop what's being described as an "edgier," "darker" version of the classic 1960s sitcom “The Munsters”. The original "Munsters" revolved around a family of misfit monsters. *I think we already have that, it’s called “Keeping Up With The Kardashians.” (Mark Wheeler)
Kim Kardashian got married over the weekend. *First wedding dress with a train and caboose. (Alex Kaseberg)
A 61-year-old New York life guard was fired because he didn't look good in a Speedo. *Then they told him to try and put the potato in the front. (Alex Kaseberg)
Scientists now believe the moon may be younger than previously thought. *It’s just that the moon looks much younger since it started waxing. (Jerry Perisho)
It’s official, Jennifer Lopez is returning as a celebrity judge on “American Idol”. *She’ll just kind of back her way in, so be listening for that “beep-beep” sound. (Jerry Perisho)
Food Channel stars Paula Deen and Anthony Bourdain are feuding. I don't know about the feud but I do know these guys are old. *They're so old they remember when McDonald's had a farm. (Bill Williams)
MGM Grand asked permission to implode its unfinished tower on the Las Vegas Strip. They said it's more profitable to demolish it than to finish it. *MGM could still make money on this high-rise if they can get to the copper wiring before the flash mobs do. (Argus Hamilton)
The Miami Hurricanes went under NCAA probe for having a yacht provided for the football team by a booster just convicted of a billion-dollar Ponzi scheme. The college didn't pay anything for the yacht. *They're just holding it for USC until the heat's off. (Argus Hamilton)
The L.A. City Council approved a financing plan for an NFL stadium with a retractable roof. That's in case of rain. *There's a serious risk of electrocution if seventy thousand Californians are talking on their cell phones at the same time, and that could ruin their hair. (Argus Hamilton)
The NFL says it will hire a female official soon. *The only problem will be for her to try to get the remote control away from the male referees for the instant replays. (Jim Barach)
IBM says they have made a computer chip that mimics the human brain. *Until now, the only chip that causes a reaction with most brains is a potato chip, chocolate chip and corn chip. (Jim Barach)
A study says that younger people may die younger than those who are married. *To which married people say that having a spouse just makes it seem longer. (Jim Barach)
The Funny Firm - Monday 8/22/11
President Obama was on a bus tour last week talking about jobs. It was reported that his bus was made in Canada. *We may never know, he hasn’t produced a registration certificate. (Paul Dudley)
The Little League World Series begins. A coach deals with jealousy, in fighting, whining, and complaining. *Those parent meetings are hell. (Alan Ray)
Today Show morning chat guru Matt Lauer recently revealed to an interviewer that he makes $17 million per year. *Which raises the question we'd all ask if we ever got the chance to meet him in real life -- $17 million won't buy you a better haircut? (Bob Mills)
The CEO of Starbucks says he’s withholding all political contributions until lawmakers finally deal with the nation’s debt. *Our huge budget deficit is the result of excessive spending, reduced tax revenue, and the cost of the venti Mocha Frappuccino. (Jerry Perisho)
Kobe Bryant is being offered $1.5 million per month to play basketball in China. *That’s a great deal for the Chinese; some 9-year-old will be able to deliver Kobe’s new shoes to him right across the street. (Jerry Perisho)
Scientists say the earth is not expanding. *They obviously did not do their research near the deep-fried Snickers booth at the state fair. (Jerry Perisho)
September marks the 90 year anniversary 0f the Miss America Pageant. The name has changed since the first year. *Then it was called, "Bert Parks Tries to Score with Some Chicks at the Beach." (Bill Williams)
Two and a Half Men begins in September with a funeral for Charlie Sheen's character on the first show. It has problems. *All the women Charlie has bedded on the show were supposed to attend the funeral but the fire marshal will only allow four hundred people in the studio. (Argus Hamilton)
Apple moved past Exxon Mobil as the biggest company on the New York Stock Exchange on Wall Street. It just shows that the investors haven't been following the news. *It's a lot easier for flash mobs to loot an Apple Store than an offshore oil platform. (Argus Hamilton)
The New York Times reported the White House was considering creating a cabinet-level Department of Jobs. We know how this ends. *In six months you won't be able to get into a job interview without a naked full-body scan and taking your laptop out of the case. (Argus Hamilton)
Tiger Woods will be featured in a new comic book about his life story. *It's just like Superman, only the Kryptonite doesn't show up until dessert is served at Thanksgiving Dinner. (Jerry Perisho)
Microsoft is reportedly working on a social network of their own. *Apparently they are going to market it by saying that Facebook may find you some friends, but they did the impossible by finding a wife for Bill Gates. (Jerry Perisho)
The Funny Firm - Friday 7/15/11
A new study found that 50 percent of all college students get blackout drunk at least once a year. *Or as Lindsay Lohan calls them…amateurs. (Mark Wheeler)
The owners of the 7,000 square foot L.A. mansion where the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge stayed over the weekend is now up for sale. *May take awhile to move, though. Unless there's some buyer out there who's always longed to own a moat. (Bob Mills)
Leading Tour de France cyclist Frank Schleck was taken ill after a Dragonfly flew into his open mouth during the race. *As if those cyclists don't already have enough to worry about like getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet and abstaining from sex, now they'll have to brush their teeth with windshield wiper fluid. (Bob Mills)
In response to calls to limit auto emissions, the White House has issued new mileage guidelines for electric cars and hybrids. They're more all-inclusive than usual with special requirements for individual models. *For instance, a new Toyota must get at least 46.8 mpg on the highway and 37.2 city while the gas pedal is stuck to the floorboard. (Bob Mills)
Brooke Mueller got Charlie Sheen’s wages garnished for the $55,000 a month in child support he owes her. *Authorities say that amount out of Sheen’s pocked every month could shut down two cocaine dealers, a pot growing operation and three liquor stores. (Jim Barach)
A man is blaming Jerry Seinfeld and the show “The Marriage Ref” for breaking up his marriage. *Even on game shows people are complaining about bad calls by the ref. (Jim Barach)
A study says that diet sodas don’t help people with dieting. *Mostly because they are just used to wash down all the junk food people keep eating. (Jim Barach)
Pop star Jewel and husband, rodeo star Ty Murray, welcomed their first child together recently. *Jewel says they would've had the baby sooner, but every time they had sex, Ty couldn't stay on longer than seven seconds. (Eggman)
In California, a man's girlfriend cut off his manhood and ran it through the garbage disposal. *To which Maria Schwarzenegger said; "You can do that?" (Alex Kaseberg)
*To add insult to injury. The guy’s lawsuit against her is being moved to small claims court. (Alan Ray)
The final Harry Potter movie opens. *Ardent fans of this series are amazed at the things their hero can do. He actually talks to a girl. (Alan Ray)
Las Vegas mogul Steve Wynn hailed a new Nevada law that allows casinos to take bets on non-sporting events like Miss America and the Academy Awards. *They need new action in Nevada. The economy's so bad in Las Vegas that Roy's tigers are now eating him out of necessity. (Argus Hamilton)
The Funny Firm - Thursday 7/14/11
Last week, a woman in Texas gave birth to a baby boy weighing in at 16 pounds, one ounce. *Sixteen pounds one ounce is way too big for a newborn, on the other hand, it is apparently the ideal weight for the average supermodel. (Paul Dudley)
Researchers say that in the past 30 years, Americans have gone up from an average of 3.8 meals and snacks a day to 4.9. Pretty soon it will be down to just one. *It will start when they wake up and end when they fall asleep. (Jim Barach)
A report says there was a near record number of beach closings in 2010. *Between BP and the cast of “Jersey Shore”, it’s surprising anyone would want to go in the water again. (Jim Barach)
A study says that 100 Million Americans have chronic pain. *No one even knew that many people were Cubs fans. (Jim Barach)
The final Harry Potter movie is out this week. *Our teen heroes fight for their lives in a surreal scenario. Teenagers with motivation. (Alan Ray)
Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe stated he got sober two years ago at the age of nineteen when he couldn't stop drinking. Show business can be so hard. *He started drinking when he was eight years old after a casting director told him to lie about his age and say he's six. (Argus Hamilton)
NASA launched its final space shuttle mission when the Atlantis. The Atlantis will join the Endeavour and the Discovery in retirement next week. *The three spaceships have pensions that were set up in the Eighties, so they'll be just fine. (Argus Hamilton)
Ohio Governor John Kasich signed a bill into law which makes it legal in Ohio to carry a concealed gun into a bar. The NFL cried foul. *The new law gives the Browns and Bengals an unfair advantage because they'll still have their full roster at the end of every season. (Argus Hamilton)
Charlie Sheen claims that while making the movie "Major League” he could throw an 85-mph fastball. *And snort a 100 mph eight ball. (Alex Kaseberg)
ABC Television says its soap opera “All My Children” will continue its storyline on the Internet.
*Oh good, so Susan Lucci can find yet another medium in which awards can be denied. (Jerry Perisho)
The California legislature passed a bill allowing school districts throughout the state to teach Gay History as an official course. *Already, state colleges have made it a prerequisite for degrees in Broadway Musicology, Interior Design and Anthropological Artifact Acquisition. (Bob Mills)
According to the latest study on parenthood, a child today costs 22% more to raise than one born in 1961. In those days, parents saved a bundle on video games alone. *The only video game the kids had back then was guessing the pin count on "Bowling For Dollars." (Bob Mills)
The Funny Firm - Wednesday 7/13/11
Dominique Strauss-Kahn was released from New York house arrest when his hotel maid rape accuser was found to have lied on her tax forms, lied on her housing application, lied on her asylum petition, and laundered drug money. *She’s unfit to be a hotel maid, she’s clearly much more fit to run for congress. (Paul Dudley)
A new James Bond novel has been released. *Once again, 007 has a license to kill. In fact, he got the okay from a Florida jury. (Alan Ray)
An oil spill has polluted the Yellowstone River. *Local tourism officials are trying to spin it positive. Trout are a lot easier to land. (Alan Ray)
A report says that nearly half of all high school students use an addictive substance. *Educators say that on the bright side, at least they are still in school. (Jim Barach)
A study says that kids who eat candy are less likely to be overweight than kids who don’t. *Mostly because kids who load up on candy don’t have room for the McDonald’s, Burger King and Taco Bell dinners they are fed at home every night. (Jim Barach)
Scientists say a river bug found in Europe may be the world’s loudest creature. *Besides the person sitting next to you in a movie theater. (Jim Barach)
A survey by leading sunscreen maker Coppertone found that almost 75% of summer beach-goers violate some rule of sunbathing etiquette. *Most common gaffs are wearing Spandex trunks three sizes too small, showing up at a nude beach fully clothed, and kicking medical waste on someone smaller than you are. (Bob Mills)
A UK company has unveiled an unusual vending machine that enables you to get married for about a buck. *There is also a machine for getting divorced but that cost tens of thousands of dollars. (Ian Searle)
The University of Nebraska self-reported to the NCAA that some athletes had received textbooks they shouldn’t have. *The ones they got were full of words, numbers and theories that they’d never be able to understand. (Jerry Perisho)
Quarterback Kerry Collins is retiring from the NFL. *What? No crotch shots? No contract disputes? What, were you born in the 1970’s or something? (Jerry Perisho)
Standard & Poor’s raised the credit rating on the state of California. *No one is sure yet exactly what they were smoking. (Jerry Perisho)
Texas officials angered Mexico by advising tourists to avoid Nuevo Laredo due to drug cartel violence. Their cops are incredibly brave. *The sheriff of Nuevo Laredo has been shot so many times that when he comes home at night his wife uses him for flower arrangements. (Argus Hamilton)
The Funny Firm - Tuesday 7/12/11
A toddler in China survived falling 10 stories out of a window. The little girl was caught by a woman walking by. *It’s good thing this didn’t happen in Los Angeles, if it had been one of the L.A. Dodgers walking by they would have dropped her. (Mark Wheeler)
British Open begins this week. The course is also home to the Rupert Murdoch Invitational. Not a lot of good golfers. *Mostly a bunch of hackers. (Alan Ray)
A TV host was run over while recording a show - aiming at finding the worst driver in Holland. *Guess there wont be a second series then. (Ian Searle)
During their three-day visit to southern California, Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge visited Santa Barbara where the Prince got in a spirited polo match. *Afterwards he donated his mallet, saddle and jodhpurs to charity -- a night polo program for inner city gang members. (Bob Mills)
After several postponements, the trial of seven-time Cy Young Award winner Roger Clemons has gotten underway. Court watchers are pretty sure he'll start lying again, though. *At his request, he was sworn in on a copy of "Beat the Odds My Way" by Pete Rose. (Bob Mills)
A coffee grower in Malaysia has developed a method of adding Viagra to a special blend of beans. Solid sales, but a weird side-effect. *Men who begin drinking it regularly know what they're supposed to do but are too nervous to do it. (Bob Mills)
The Census says that one in ten kids live with a grandparent. *Mostly because their mom is still trying to finish high school. (Jim Barach)
The average temperature in the U.S. has gone up a half degree in the past 30 years. *Or as the people of North Dakota call a one half degree rise in temperature, “July”. (Jim Barach)
Monaco’s Royal Palace is denying a rift between Prince Albert and his fiancée. *Apparently he is suspecting her of repeatedly calling and asking if the Palace has Prince Albert in a can. (Jim Barach)
To Catch a Predator host Chris Hansen was caught in an adulterous affair with an Orlando reporter. He was cheating on his wife with a woman twenty years younger. *Chris Hansen realized that he was busted when he walked into the kitchen and found himself waiting for him. (Argus Hamilton)
Alex Rodriguez denied reports he played in high-stakes poker games with movie stars. He was caught playing in them six years ago. *Suspicions were raised last week when he promised a sick child in the hospital that he would fill an inside straight for him that very night. (Argus Hamilton)
Tiger Woods says won't return to the PGA Tour until his knee is healed. He's getting a lot of encouragement. *Bill Clinton called and told him to pace himself on the golf tour, reminding him that the sport of adultery is bigger than any one athlete. (Argus Hamilton)
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