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The Funny Firm Thursday - 7/23/2020     
P.O. Box 1446 Thousand Oaks, Ca. 91358

A Los Angeles man is behind bars on suspicion of stealing 14 cars in less than three months. Police say he was arrested several times during, but got out each time on the current "zero bail order".  *The guy was prepared, he had a big stack of Get Out of Jail Free Community Chest cards.  (Paul Dudley)

Don’t know if these face masks stop the coronavirus, but they have stopped one other really gross problem. *Picking your nose in public. (Bill Williams)

The Indianapolis Motor Speedway is going to run the postponed Indy 500 with fans, but says everyone must wear a mask. *Especially the venders because they’re charging 75 bucks for a beer and hot dog. (Bill Williams) 

A Ukraine man hijacked a commuter bus and held the passengers hostage at gun point. OMG!, doesn’t everybody know this by now. *A man armed with an AK47 over 65 years old gets to sit down.  (Bill Williams)

The annual Comic-Con gathering is not happening in person, but the festival is still going ahead as a virtual event this week.  Once at Comic Con, I witnessed people in homemade Darth Vader outfits argue with people in store-bought Darth Vader outfits over whose was better.  *It was one of those fights where it's hard to call anyone a winner. (Dave Vincent)

A New Hampshire man suffered serious injuries over the weekend after grabbing a bull by the horns. *Suffers serious life-altering injuries and a case of severe irony.  (Dave Vincent)

A survey suggests that July is the month people are most likely to cheat.  *Or, as Megan Fox calls it...July!  (Dave Vincent)

David Hasselhoff turned 68 last Friday.  *Friends and family celebrated like they do every taking him to eat at his favorite place:  a hotel floor! (Dave Vincent)

Two Indonesian airline pilots were recently arrested on drug charges.  *Passengers knew something was wrong when flight attendants would announce that the flight will take off once the plane is de-iced...and the pilots is de-toxed.  (Dave Vincent)

After being confronted by authorities, a drunk driver in England urinated at police through the mail slot of his front door over the weekend.  *Officers want to make an arrest but realize the suspect has the upper hand.  (Dave Vincent)

A California woman was told to leave a Verizon store after she refused to wear a mask, so she urinated all over the storeroom floor. *In the end, she finally got what she was asking for...more bars. (Dave Vincent)

The Funny Firm Wednesday - 7/22/2020     
P.O. Box 1446 Thousand Oaks, Ca. 91358

Two American astronauts went outside the International Space Station Tuesday to replace batteries on station's power system.  Twelve space walks have been performed over the past few years to change out batteries.  *Astronauts are relieved, finally the remote for the TV will work again.  (Paul Dudley)

Doctors say patients are shocked when they find out what CPR really stands for. *Cardio Pulmonary Redistribution of wealth. (Bill Williams)

A new study says a pig turns to face humans to receive praise, just like a dogs does. *Especially right after he got you a big cash settlement from Roundup. (Bill Williams)

A man at the Brussels airport was caught with cocaine inside an artificial penis.  *He was arrested, then immediately hired by Virgin Air."  (Dave Vincent)

Two Indonesia airline pilots have been busted on drug charges.  *Passengers became suspicious when the pilot turned off the seat belt sign and said, "You are now free to move about the flying raccoon." (Dave Vincent)

A furious McDonald's customer brutally beats a restaurant worker after 'being reminded to put on a face mask' in Hong Kong. *How embarrassing that must have been...ya know, having the news report that you got beat up and work at McDonald's. (Dave Vincent)

Fans of Amy Winehouse are expected to commemorate the 9th anniversary of her death tomorrow by leaving empty liquor bottles and packs of cigarettes on her mother's lawn like they do each year. *So, I guess my a-hole neighbor commemorates her death on my lawn every day! (Dave Vincent)

Ted Nugent says Joe Biden is 'Painfully Deranged In A Mental Capacity' and 'The Poster Child For Hypocrisy'  *"Super. Now play 'Cat Scratch Fever'!," responded non-face-masked attendees of the Iowa State Fair. (Dave Vincent)

A Florida woman was once busted for masturbating in Starbucks while high on crack. *In her defense they did ask her to enjoy their new Fappuccino! (Dave Vincent)

Vin Diesel has turned 53.  Don't be upset when you jump out and yell "Happy Birthday!" and he doesn't act surprised. It's not that he doesn't care. *It's just that he's not a very good actor.  (Dave Vincent)

Unfaithful men have lower IQs according to a scientific study. *But, as long as there's a Kardashian... (Dave Vincent)

A woman was told to leave a Verizon store after she refused to wear a mask, so she urinated all over the storeroom floor.  *She was arrested and then immediately hired at Waffle House.  (Dave Vincent)

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