The Funny Firm - Wednesday 5/20/15                

At the Billboard Music Awards, the big winner was Taylor Swift. She won a whopping eight trophies. *With so many, she says they're going to make lovely parting gifts for future ex-boyfriends. (Paul Dudley)

Drought restrictions are in place in California.   Everywhere you look in Los Angeles, things are dusty with cobwebs. *Buildings, shrubbery, the L.A. Clippers basket. (Alan Ray) 

The Cannes Festival continues. What expression never has to be translated into French at this artsy event? *“And the winner is…Vin Diesel.” (Alan Ray) 

The FAO Schwarz flagship store in Manhattan will close. Some blame a defective Tom Brady action figure. *It won’t stand up. *It lies. (Alan Ray) 

The riot between gangs in Waco was caused by Cossacks not having Texas on their emblem. *What a relief, I was afraid it might be something stupid. (Alex Kaseberg) 

NFL owners are voting on changing the extra point which is sometimes called the most boring thing in sports. *Outside of the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight. (Alex Kaseberg) 

Russian President, Vladimir Putin, scored eight goals in a hockey game. Putin likes hockey. *After a shot, he doesn’t have to hide a body. (Alex Kaseberg)

Bruce Jenner will be starring in his own reality show on E! Entertainment in July that will cover in detail the changes Bruce undergoes as he transitions into a being woman. The process includes taking feminizing hormones which shrink his testicles. *The technical advisor on the show is Tom Brady. (Argus Hamilton)

Pew Research found the number of Americans identifying as Christians shrank eight percent in eight years. It's the gay marriage issue. *Methodists and Episcopalians have fled to the golf course on Sunday mornings where two men can go for a walk into the woods together without people talking.  (Argus Hamilton)

HBO released the Pay-per-View gate figures for the Floyd Mayweather-Manny Pacquiao fight two weeks ago in Las Vegas. Turnabout is fair play. *This could be the first time in history that Members of Congress can denounce the American people for wasting four hundred million dollars.  (Argus Hamilton)

Bad news for Bruce Jenner last weekend. Found out his insurance doesn’t cover reassignment surgery. *So Bruce will have to pay the surgeon himself to cut out the middleman. (Bill Williams)

Scientists say a person’s urine could reveal whether they are at risk for obesity. *Especially when the person goes to give a urine sample and can’t fit past the door of the bathroom stall.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 5/19/15              
 

The hydration drink Pedialyte isn't just for children anymore.  The company has started a media campaign to let adults know the product can help relieve hangovers.  It's also introducing Pedialyte packets that partiers can keep in their purse or pocket.  *The packets will be handed out at festivals, sporting events and Charlie Sheen’s house.  (Mark Wheeler)

American Pharoah won the Preakness.  Racehorses are like Walmart employees.  *The owners are rich and there’s always someone on your back.  (Alan Ray)

Cannes has begun.  What’s the least attended exhibition at this artsy French conclave of movies? *Adam Sandler: A Retrospective.  (Alan Ray)

A U.S. based company plans to build a plane to fly to Venus. *Whereas Spirit Airlines will continue to charge add-on fees up Uranus.  (Alex Kaseberg)

*Hillary Clinton’s poll numbers are dropping faster than Bill Cosby's commencement speech price.  (Alex Kaseberg)

When old people box, like Romney and Holyfield over the weekend, brain damage is a concern. *Not funny when announcer yelled; "Let's get ready to mumble.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Kourtney Kardashian and husband Scott Disick are bragging on social media that they have an open marriage. *But in case you didn’t know, to a Kardashian, open marriage means they have selfies with other people. (Bill Williams)

U.S. trained Iraqi forces laid down their arms and fled from attacking Islamist terrorists, surrendering all the gains they had made. *Oh, wait, my mistake, that was the L.A. Clippers. (Bob Mills)

Police were called to a Philadelphia senior center after attendants found a prostitute hiding under a resident’s bed. The guy really gave himself away. *He kept yelling “Bingo!” even though he wasn’t in the game. (Bob Mills)

Target has informed Kraft, Kellogg’s and Campbell Soup that they will no longer be promoted by the store now emphasizing healthier fare. *When you’re demoted by Target, how much lower can you go?  (Bob Mills)

Hollywood bus tours reported a record number of tourists taking rides on buses to see the movie studios and movie stars’ homes. It's a grand old industry with its own language. *The movie business is the only business where Best Grip is both the title of a studio technician and a porn actress award. (Argus Hamilton)

The Economist magazine warned of a surge of inflation in the U.S. and Britain as the recovering economy kicks into high gear this summer, raising prices on everything. No one's safe. *Last night a surfer in Southern California lost his arm and his leg, and that was at the Chevron station in Malibu.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Monday 5/18/15                

Whole Foods Market is planning on opening a new chain of stores that carry lower-priced foods aimed at millennials. A grocery store that carries lower-priced food? There‘s already a store like that.  *It’s anyplace not called Whole Foods.  (Mark Wheeler)

Congratulations to “American Idol” winner Nick Fradiani. *Fradiani is an Italian word that means “Who the hell is that guy?” (Alex Kaseberg)

A bullfighter named Fortes was seriously hurt after a bull gored him in the neck. *More bad news for Fortes, he was caught trying to deflate the bull's balls. (Alex Kaseberg)

A Surfer in Santa Barbara, California got too close to mama whale and her baby, so whale smacked him. *Like when an intern tried to take Chris Christie’s last French fry. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Economist reported obesity epidemic statistics showing that British women are the fattest in all Europe but that these women comprise a potent consumer force. The magazine reported that there's a thriving retail business in London that caters to plus-sized women only. *It's a new McDonald's. (Argus Hamilton)

NFL lawyer Ted Wells challenged Tom Brady's agent to produce any texts sent by the star that would clear him of deflating footballs. The punishment was widely discussed. *The NFL Players Union estimates the four-game suspension could keep Tom Brady coherent and alert well into his fifties.  (Argus Hamilton)

ABC News said a Philadelphia senior assisted-living center kicked an elderly man out after they found a prostitute hiding under his bed. He bought her with money he made selling booze to other patients. *Authorities transferred him to where he belongs, the Home for Retired Secret Service Agents.  (Argus Hamilton)

Seems Tom Brady has a few months on his hands, so LA is after him to do a little consulting job for them. *City fathers want him to deflate Kim Kardashian's butt to make it more sidewalk friendly. (Bill Williams)

Walmart says they are going to out Amazon Amazon. But I don’t think they understand the concept. *For $19.95 including shipping they’ll send you genuine rain forest lawn furniture. (Bill Williams)

A company in Mexico has been able to turn avocado pits into plastic. *If you didn’t think avocados couldn’t be made into plastic you have never tried the Taco Bell guacamole vegetarian tacos.  (Jim Barach)

The National Guard is training to deal with civil unrest in several states. Apparently they do this every year right around the time it is getting close to the NBA Finals.  (Jim Barach)

The FDA has approved a shot that eliminates a double chin. The only thing now for researchers to come up with is an injection to get rid of the other four. (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Friday 5/15/15              
 

On a recent airing of The Price is Right, a contestant in a wheelchair was awarded a treadmill. The contestant had a sense of humor about it and had a good laugh. *I won't get worried until The Price is Right gives out a new car to someone with a seeing eye dog. (Paul Dudley)

Australian woman goes on 136 first dates with no second dates. *Not a good idea to use the name Kate Upton when she looked like Blake Shelton.  (Alex Kaseberg)

McDonalds has announced they will offer a kale salad. *It is part of McDonald’s new “Our Customers Will Never Buy This” Menu.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Moody’s, has downgraded Chicago’s debt to junk bond status. *Especially Chicago’s issue of their "2015 Cubs Win The World Series" bonds. (Alex Kaseberg)

Chrysler’s offer to pay the college tuition of dealership employees is working out even better than expected. Employees from the pre-owned Chrysler lots are the most impressive students. *Who knew that setting odometers back is perfect preparation for MIT.  (Bob Mills)

Vladimir Putin has ordered all McDonald’s in Russia to post calorie counts beside each menu item. True, he’s not been happy with the U.S. sanctions, but he’s really more disgusted with their new official spokesman, Ronald McStalin.  (Bob Mills)

On Tuesday, Bill Clinton and Adam Sandler guested on Letterman. Staffers noticed that Sandler had more security than the former president. *They were told they’d understand after they see Sandler’s latest movie.  (Bob Mills)

The Washington Times reported IRS workers last year spent hours daily watching porn on their office computers. It's an exchange program. *The only difference between working for the IRS and working in porn is that in porn, when you get up in the morning you are already dressed for work.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Pentagon was discovered to have paid NFL teams five million dollars to honor the U.S. military in pre-game ceremonies. We all thought the NFL was being patriotic and it wound up being nothing but paid advertising. *The Pentagon may be suspended for two wars for deflating the fans.  (Argus Hamilton)

Texas lawmakers approved a bill in committee to legalize marijuana. It shows how they love their native-born entertainers in the Southwest. *Oklahoma once passed a law naming a turnpike after Will Rogers and now Texas is going to pass a law to keep Willie Nelson from moving to Colorado.  (Argus Hamilton)

Bruce Jenner is reportedly reviving his motivational speech career. *Apparently there is a big demand from people who want to learn how to be able to do nothing other than live in a completely dysfunctional household and turn that into a multi-million dollar industry.  (Jim Barach)

A study says that having their mother in the car helps teenagers make safer decisions while driving. *Mostly because having mom in the passenger seat is the one way to give all their distracting friends an excuse to not to go along for the ride.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 5/14/15                

Indiana's First Church of Cannabis plans to hold its first pot-smoking worship service on July 1st. It will include a sermon, and a call to worship that will fill the sanctuary with smoke. It will be a bold test of Indiana's new Religious Freedom Restoration Act.  *It will also be a bold test of whether or not congregants will actually remember show up on Sunday morning.  (Paul Dudley)

Americans are becoming less Christian and more atheists. *Except for Kardashian women who seem to be screaming; “Oh god” more and more.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Verizon is going to buy AOL. *“That is a shrewd business deal,” said the year 1996.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Lindsay Vonn is now saying she broke up with Tiger Woods because he cheated on her. *Gosh, who could have seen that coming?  (Alex Kaseberg)

Tom Brady got a four game suspension for cheating in an NFL playoff game. The NFL says his ball was under-inflated. Tom says he’s innocent. *It was just a “pigskin malfunction.” (Bill Williams)

At $179.4 million, Pablo Picasso’s Cubist style “The Women From Algiers” has become the highest priced painting ever sold at auction. *The women don’t look much like women and Algiers looks more like Walla Walla, but the portraits of Benjamin Franklin on the $100 bills are perfectly recognizable. (Bob Mills) 

California considering a bill that will require cheerleaders on professional sports teams receive minimum wage protection “the same as the men.” *It even has a Tom Brady clause that imposes same penalties if they wear anything during the game that’s under inflated. (Bob Mills)

A girl injured on Knott’s Berry Farm’s Timber Mountain Log ride has sued the theme park for punitive damages and medical bills. *Knott’s lawyer claims the girl was already weakened by the measles she caught earlier at Disneyland. (Bob Mills)

Russia's government reacted to U.S. economic sanctions over the Ukraine incursion by requiring all McDonald's restaurants to advertise the calorie count of every item on the wall menu in every McDonald’s restaurant in Russia. It gets even worse. *They're also forcing Cinnabon to post its death toll. (Argus Hamilton)

Google officials in California admitted Monday that a dozen of its self-driving automobiles have been involved in car accidents while they've been test-driving on the streets in the last six years. They stressed they were minor accidents. *In every instance, the car was googling something when it crashed.  (Argus Hamilton)

A UK judge has ruled that the brain is a muscle and that bridge, chess and Scrabble are sports and therefore eligible for government funding for competitions. *Although bridge will never really be considered a sport until a tournament is trashed by hooligans.  (Jim Barach)

A study says that researchers were able to control the movements of a mouse through a remote control device. *Which means they have just invented the world’s first video game for cats.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 5/13/15                

The president of Tom Brady's California high school says the whole community is praying for Tom and his family. *Tom is very touched that people are concerned and praying for him…he was so moved he had his supermodel wife wipe his tears away with 100 dollar bills. (Paul Dudley)

Airbnb is now in Cuba. Each accommodation comes with posted warnings. No smoking. No loud music. *No potable water. (Alan Ray)

Kylie and Kendall Jenner just pitched their first sitcom. Watch for it. *“One and a Half Moms.” (Bill Williams)

A U.C. San Diego professor is asking students to perform a final exam in the nude. *The weird part about this is it is an accounting class.  (Alex Kaseberg)

New Jersey Governor, Chris Christie, spent $82,000 in snacks at NFL games. *Even the New England Patriots feel that number has to be inflated. (Alex Kaseberg)

Did you have a good Mother’s Day? Hallmark has a new card thanks to Bruce Jenner. *“Happy First Mother’s Day, Dad.“  (Alex Kaseberg)

New York Governor Cuomo unleashed a flood of tourism by announcing airlines may travel from JFK Airport to Havana. The climate in Cuba facilitates longevity. *Fidel Castro is in the Guinness Book of Records for living fifty-six years longer than any man who ever seized a casino from Meyer Lansky.  (Argus Hamilton)

Justin Bieber was touted as a potential pro boxer by his pal Floyd Mayweather Tuesday. It topped off a year in which JB car-raced drunk, smoked pot on a plane, told racist jokes and egged a house. *Last night, Justin Bieber's mother tweeted she'd like to have another child, unless her demands are met.  (Argus Hamilton)

An L.A. judge warned Lindsay Lohan to finish her community service for reckless driving. She crashed a rented Porsche in Malibu while speeding. *If you think she's in trouble, how'd you like to be the car rental agent who had to explain to his supervisor why he rented a Porsche to Lindsay Lohan.  (Argus Hamilton)

After meeting with Pope Francis, Raul Castro says he may return to the fold. He was really impressed by the pope -- especially during dinner when he turned his wine into Cuba Libre.  (Bob Mills)

Virgin Atlantic’s 787 Dreamliners have an area for taking selfies that they call #skyhighselfies. *Not to be confused with Hooter Airlines’ “Mile High Club” selfies.  (Bob Mills)

Researchers in Toronto have reviewed 47 studies and determined that sitting too much can lead to an early death. *Especially if you are sitting down for months at a time while reviewing 47 different studies.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 5/12/15              
 

No injuries are being reported after a United Express airplane was forced to make an emergency landing in Los Angeles yesterday.  Officials say the jetliner's landing gear collapsed and the left wing scraped the runway on landing.  Nearly 45 passengers were taken off the plane and put on buses.  *And presumably all given a fresh pair of underwear.  (Mark Wheeler)

Sunday was of course Mother's Day. *Here's hoping your Mother's Day was not nearly as confusing as it is for Kendall and Kylie Jenner.  (Alex Kaseberg)

A topless 45-year-old female principal was caught in marijuana-smoke car with 18-year-old male student. *Talk about putting the Pal in principal.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Bruce Jenner's magical transition continues. Today he shops for his first bra. Most training bras are Maidenform. *But since Bruce is starting so late, he's getting an Old-Maidenform. (Bill Williams)

A Florida couple could get 15 years in the slammer for having sex on the beach. *Apparently Florida’s “stand your ground” law doesn’t have a missionary position clause. (Bill Williams)

Sunday was Mother’s Day. You honor your mother. I honor my mother. *Rwanda honors Angelina Jolie. (Bill Williams)

L.A. judge Mark Young ruled that Lindsay Lohan has served less than ten hours of her 125 hour DUI public service sentence. Lohan claims that no longer getting behind the wheel after drinking vodka shooters during six hours of clubbing is considered a public service in most countries. (Bob Mills)

More Google searches on mobile devices than computers. Cell users browse internet with lightening speed. *And that’s just their driving.  (Alan Ray)

The NBA postseason continues. What do you call someone who only pays attention to basketball in the postseason? *A ref.  (Alan Ray)

The Weather Channel aired spectacular footage of the fifty tornadoes which swept the Southern Plains Wednesday, creating havoc. There was video from every possible angle. *Storm chasers have become such an aggravation the tornadoes are asking the Oklahoma legislature to pass a paparazzi law. (Argus Hamilton)

Tiger Woods teared up to reporters at the TPC Tourney, saying his breakup with Lindsay Vonn was tough on him. He's got support. *His fellow pros urged Tiger to pace himself on the tour this summer, reminding him that the sport of picking up pancake waitresses is bigger than any one athlete.  (Argus Hamilton)

A California therapist is using IKEA furniture to solve relationship issues. *Apparently if a couple can survive putting together a living room corner grouping, they can make it through anything.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Monday 5/11/15                

For Mother's Day, Hooters restaurants gave all mothers a free order of 10 hot wings with a drink purchase. *Years ago I had lunch with my mom at Hooters on Mother‘s Day…the awkward part was she was my waitress.  (Rick Fancy)

Hot Pursuit is now in theaters. An inept cop protects the widow of drug dealer. She was hired with minimum qualifications. *Several years with Secret Service.  (Alan Ray) 

A sequel to “50 Shades of Grey” is planned for 2017. Pre-production has been completed. *Producers just need to tie up loose actors. (Alan Ray) 

Mariah Carey launched her new show in Las Vegas. Backstage amenities set. *There will be no sink in her dressing room because she’s already washed up. (Alan Ray)

Survey says men and women want sex at opposite times. Men want sex in the morning, and women want to have sex at Chris Hemsworth-Thirty. (Alex Kaseberg)

A new app called KardBlock blocks all things Kardashian-related from the Internet. *Just when you thought technology wasn’t improving anymore. (Alex Kaseberg)

ESPN has fired announcer Bill Simmons. If Simmons wanted to keep his job at ESPN he would have insulted a tow-truck cashier on camera.  (Alex Kaseberg)

An outdoor scene painted by Vincent Van Gogh in 1888 sold for $66.3 million at a Sotheby auction in New York City. *In honor of the iconic artist’s 162nd birthday, the auctioneer conducted the bidding wearing a single ear plug. (Bob Mills)

Google reports the most popular names for girls are Elizabeth, Olivia and Emma, along with Michael, James and Avery for boys. *State-by-state stats reveal that New Yorkers favor Lindsay for girls, and Duke for boys, while Alabama’s prefers “Not Mine” for both. (Bob Mills)

Manny Pacquiao was sued by ticketholders for not revealing his shoulder injury to the Nevada Boxing Commission. His loss wasn't due to his shoulder. Back home in the Philippines, Manny Pacquiao is a congressman, which explains why he didn't do much of anything in the ring. (Argus Hamilton)

A professor at Wright State University in Ohio is conducting a class on zombies. *In order to give students the chance to observe other zombies and to feel what it is like themselves, the class is scheduled Monday mornings at 7:00.  (Jim Barach)

A study says the norovirus may be spread through the air. Until now, health experts thought the only way the norovirus could be spread was by going on a cruise with Carnival.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Friday 5/8/15              
 

Doctors repaired a torn rotator cuff on boxer Manny Pacquiao Wednesday, just days after he lost a fight to Floyd Mayweather.  The surgeon said he is pleased with the results of the surgery, and he expects Pacquiao to recover fully.  *They say he’ll be back to not throwing punches in no time. (Paul Dudley)

Isiah Thomas appointed president of the WNBA New York Liberty.  *In related news, Tyson Chicken has a appointed a fox to guard its hen house.  (Alan Ray)

An Italian astronaut brewed the first espresso in space on the International on Space Station.  How was it different than coffee at McDonalds? *Space station has more atmosphere.  (Alan Ray)

Stephen Curry is the MVP of the NBA season.   Talk about Mr. Clutch in tight games.  *He’s bailed his team out of more close calls than an NFL lawyer.  (Alan Ray)

Decathlete, Bryan Clay, posted a video online of him using a javelin and string to rid his daughter of baby tooth. Great way to lose unwanted body part. *"No," says Bruce Jenner.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Decathlon great, Bryan Clay, used a string tied to a javelin to remove his daughter’s loose baby tooth. *Let’s hope she never gets tonsillitis.  (Alex Kaseberg)

A report released says the New England Patriots deflated balls with Tom Brady's knowledge. *Here I was hoping the only ball story would be geldings and colts in Preakness.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Universal Studios released a trailer for the sequel to Fifty Shades of Grey which will premiere in December. It's about a co-ed who signs a lucrative agreement to allow a billionaire to whip her on demand. Just based on the trailer, the Saudi Arabia Times is calling it the Feel Good Movie of the Year.  (Argus Hamilton)

L.A. rap mogul Suge Knight remained in jail Tuesday hoping that Floyd Mayweather will bail him out as promised. Jail conditions are awful. Last month, Knight collapsed in court and was rushed to L.A. County Hospital where x-rays showed a broken rib, and because it's in L.A. they fixed it with Photoshop. (Argus Hamilton)

The Duck Commander Musical stage show in Las Vegas based on the Duck Dynasty Robertson family closed early. Last year the Robertson’s denounced gays and this year they staged a Broadway musical about their family. It could still win the Tony Award for Best Try by a Straight Choreographer.  (Argus Hamilton)

Chrysler says it will offer free college tuition for all dealership employees. *That was the second most requested benefit by workers, other than employee discounts on any kind of car other than a Chrysler. (Jim Barach)

Google has reportedly patented a way for self-driving cars to understand cyclists’ hand gestures. Which is easy in New York City since it pretty much always consists of a raised hand along with an extended middle finger. (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 5/7/15                

Kim Kardashian was recently at a Barnes & Noble in New York signing copies of her new book of selfies. *It was a very special occasion...it was the first time a Kardashian had ever been in a bookstore.  (Paul Dudley)

Stephen Curry MVP of NBA season.   Talk about Mr. Clutch in tight games.  *He’s bailed his team out of more close calls than an NFL lawyer.  (Alan Ray)

Chris Brown is accused of beating a man at a Las Vegas Resort.  He appears to have a solid defense strategy.  *“I’m Chris Brown.”  (Alan Ray)

Florida couple found guilty of sex on a beach. *Also found them guilty of doing the most normal thing a couple in Florida has done all year.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Florida man suing hospital for throwing his amputated leg in garbage. *When asked why a hospital would do that, the man was stumped.  (Alex Kaseberg)

ESPN reported Floyd Mayweather wants a rematch with Manny Pacquiao. *And who wouldn’t want to get paid another $180 million to go on a jog?  (Alex Kaseberg)

Jared from Subway is back. Got a family, a mortgage, and a bald spot now. *He's still skinny, but only because he can't afford to eat. (Bill Williams)

Keith Richards has got himself a Facebook account. It was very traumatic for the Facebook. *Keith's wrinkles used up all their pixels. (Bill Williams)

The European Union has uncovered evidence that McDonald’s evaded $1.1 billion in taxes for the years 2009 through 2013. *Ah, ha. That explains the much hyped roll out of last summer’s McWesley Snipes Burger.  (Bob Mills)

Wendy’s is test marketing a veggie burger that they hope will appeal to both vegans, vegetarians and meat eaters. *Watch for TV commercials featuring the Jolly Green Giant trying to get a date with Wendy. (Bob Mills)

According to a study in the Journal Pediatrics, researchers have successfully adapted an antidepressant drug safe for kids. *It'll be marketed like Flintstone Vitamins, but shaped like Beavis and Butthead. (Bob Mills)

A lawsuit by United Airlines over a web site that offers hidden cheaper air fares has been thrown out by a judge. *Which was explained to their legal team in the way only United could understand, they were delayed and then canceled.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 5/6/15              
 

Manny Pacquiao will have surgery on his injured shoulder and he could be fined or suspended from boxing.  Officials are investigating because the day before Saturday's fight, Pacquiao checked "no" on a commission form asking if he had any injuries.  Pacquiao says he aggravated the injury during the fight.  *Actually he might be a bit more believable if he claimed he injured it after the fight carrying all of his bags money to the bank.  (Paul Dudley)

Tiger Woods and Lyndsey Vonn have broken up.  They’re actually at the same point in their professional careers.  *Both are going downhill.  (Alan Ray)

Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo.  Buckets of Coronas, shots of Tequila, carafes of agave wine.  *Or, as Kim Richards calls it, breakfast.  (Alan Ray)

Milwaukee Brewers fired manager Ron Roenicke after poor start. His departure is unique occurrence for team. *Someone finally made it home. (Alan Ray)

Rod Stewart's Lamborghini is for sale. $1.9 million. And it gets worse. The gas mileage is terrible. *Twelve panties per gallon. (Bill Williams)

Floyd Mayweather said he would fight Manny Pacquiao again. Wait. *Wouldn’t he have to fight him for the first time to fight him again?  (Alex Kaseberg)

Florida man suing hospital for throwing his amputated leg in garbage. *When the man hired an attorney, hospital knew there was trouble afoot. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Price Is Right hosted by Drew Carey is going to spend a week taping shows in Baltimore to try to show support for the beleaguered city. It promises to be a lot of fun. *The contestants will try to come closest to guessing the actual retail price of the merchandise they’ve just looted without going over. (Argus Hamilton)

The Supreme Court justices argued over the constitutionality of gay marriage and whether gay marriage is a constitutional right or if it's a states’ rights issue. The arguments were really awkward. *That's because it isn’t the Supreme Court's job to judge gay people, that's what the Tony Awards are for. (Argus Hamilton)

The NFL draft was held for three days in Chicago last weekend as the league restocked on new talent. There are new rules to learn. *Starting this fall, it is illegal to push a teammate at the line of scrimmage on punts and field goals, and if that works, they're going to start cracking down on murder.  (Argus Hamilton)

McDonald’s workers are planning the “biggest ever protest” to raise their wages. *The sad part is that the only way they could get customers to sign up to support their cause was to tell them the petitions were to bring back the McRib sandwiches.  (Jim Barach)

Doctors say they can better monitor the progression of bed sores and skin ulcers by using smartphones and iPads. *Which is ironic for people who have bedsores and skin ulcers after spending all their time on the couch using their smartphone and iPad. (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 5/5/15                

Skier Lindsey Vonn and golfer Tiger Woods are splitting up. They each posted online messages Sunday saying that after nearly three years, they've mutually agreed to stop dating. Tiger says this breakup was just as painful as his last.  *Getting whacked by a ski pole hurts just as bad as an 8 iron.  (Mark Wheeler)

Britain’s William and Kate have a brand new baby girl named Charlotte.  Some say she looks a bit like her Uncle Harry.  *Naked with a bottle.  (Alan Ray)

American Pharaoh won the Kentucky Derby Saturday.  It’s a win-win for the horse.  *Not only did he earn the owner a ton of money, he had a shoe contract nailed down.  (Alan Ray)

The Los Angeles area experienced a 3.9 earthquake on Sunday.  It impacted life everywhere. *Traffic on the 405 freeway finally moved.  (Alan Ray)

Watching Mayweather-Pacquiao was long, anti-climatic and a little painful. *And that was just Jamie Foxx singing the National Anthem.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Floyd Mayweather was paid $180 million dollars. *Most anyone has been paid to avoid getting hit since Tiger Woods divorced Elin Nordegren.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Fight of the Century? *I've seen Century 21 Real Estate brokers fight harder than that.  (Alex Kaseberg)

In the richest title fight in history, Floyd Mayweather remained undefeated after winning a unanimous decision over the Philippines’ Manny Pacquiao. at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. *All three judges’ cards had Mayweather ahead $320,000,000 to Pacquiao’s $290,000,000 in combined gate and pay-per-view receipts. (Bob Mills)

This year’s hottest selling Mother’s Day gift item is the Nutri Ninja Blender with Auto-IQ at Target for $199.99. *Not only minces, dices, slices, shreds, pulverizes, and purees, but then it karate chops your smoothie fruits into submission.  (Bob Mills)

Baltimore merchants were furious to learn the mayor ordered the police away from their stores during the looting. It's apparently city policy. *Before Wednesday's Orioles-White Sox game, Baltimore's mayor ordered the catcher to allow the White Sox to steal all the bases they wanted. (Argus Hamilton)

Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders announced he's running for the Democratic nomination for president. He could catch on with his idea of debt-free college. *It now costs kids forty thousand dollars per year for four years to learn that the best way to avoid a hangover is to stay drunk.  (Argus Hamilton)

Burger King has dropped soft drinks off their kids’ menu. *Which would be a great idea if anyone who cared about their caloric intake ever actually went into a Burger King.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Monday 5/4/15              
 

It was such a nice day Wednesday, President Obama left the White House and went for a walk around the neighborhood in D.C. *I can see why he would want to walk, does he really want to be a passenger in a car driven by a Secret Service agent? (Paul Dudley)

The Baltimore Orioles played a game in an empty stadium on Wednesday. *Or, as they call it in the Miami Marlins dugout, Wednesday. (Alan Ray)

Friday was May Day in Russia. You can tell Vladimir Putin takes occasion seriously. *All around Moscow, he hangs variety of opposition leaders. (Alan Ray)

Independent Bernie Sanders will run for president. His base remains largely undecided. *“Should I throw my vote away in 2016 or 2020?” (Alan Ray)

A 91-year-old woman in the UK got engaged to her 102-year-old boyfriend. She wants to Honeymoon in Paris. *He wants to Honeymoon while still alive.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Honey Boo Boo’s mother, Mama June, announced she is bi-sexual. *In Mama June’s case, bi-sexual means she'll eat whatever anyone buys her. (Alex Kaseberg)

GoDaddy.com won't be sponsoring Danica Patrick in NASCAR next year. *They say they got tired of her driving like "Go Granny." (Bill Williams)

Founder and CEO Jeff Bezos says Amazon launched its first unmanned spaceship last week. The test was a roaring success, and the rocket also delivered some nice blue-veined brie to the International Space Station. *Only $10.99, plus $198 million shipping. (Bill Williams)

Thanks to Baltimore’s riots, for the first time in MLB history a scheduled game was played in an empty stadium as the Orioles defeated Boston 8-2. *To insure that no one at home would see it either, the game was televised on MSNBC.(Bob Mills)

The White House used its new china for the state dinner for Japan's Prime Minister Shinzo Abe in the East Room. At state dinners during the last fifteen years, our presidents have had to use the china introduced during the Clinton Administration. *The dishes all look glued back together. (Argus Hamilton)

The NFL held its annual rookie draft in Chicago Thursday airing live on ESPN. Every young man selected will attend a symposium on alcohol and domestic violence. *If NFL owners had their way, players would be required to stay out of relationships, bars and elevators until they were thirty years old. (Argus Hamilton)

A federal report says California is nearly guaranteed to get a major earthquake in the next 30 years. No one is paying any attention. *It’s been just as long that they have been telling L.A. they are going to get an NFL team.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Friday 5/1/15                

Singer/rapper Nicki Minaj made a 13-year-old boy's dream come true when she performed at his bar mitzvah over the weekend. *The performance went great, right up until her rap version of Hava Nagila. (Paul Dudley)

A sequel to “50 Shades of Grey” is planned for 2017.  Pre-production has been completed.  *Producers just need to tie up loose actors.  (Alan Ray) 

The Kentucky Derby will be run on Saturday.  American Pharaoh is the Michael Phelps of horse racing.  *Both test positive for grass.  (Alan Ray)

The White Sox-Orioles game played in front of zero fans. *There was so little interest it was officially declared a WNBA game  (Alex Kaseberg)

White Sox and Orioles playing in front of no fans. *Both teams say it is like being traded to the Florida Marlins. (Alex Kaseberg)

Sadly, no fans at the White Sox-Orioles game. *On the bright side, nobody did the wave. (Alex Kaseberg)

U.S. and British paratroopers arrived in Ukraine to train Ukraine’s troops to fight Russian troops and Russian-backed rebels. This is getting really serious. *The Cold War was so long ago that today's schoolchildren would refuse to do any duck-and-cover drills unless there's WiFi under the desk. (Argus Hamilton)

Baltimore calmed down Tuesday after pleas by city leaders, clergy and Baltimore Ravens legend Ray Lewis. He released an angry video ordering young people to stop the burning and looting, and it stopped. *As a result Ray Lewis could become the first murder suspect ever to win the Nobel Peace Prize. (Argus Hamilton)

The Baltimore Orioles hosted the Chicago White Sox on Wednesday but nobody was allowed into Camden Yard to see the baseball game. The team's folklore just doesn't fit the situation. *Cal Ripken never took a night off, and that's the wrong message to send to the young people in Baltimore this week. (Argus Hamilton)

McDonald's cuts Deluxe Quarter Pounder from the menu, and here is what’s afoot. *They just got a great deal on some orange trans-fats from Kraft so keep your eyes pealed for the all-new, "Big Mac & Cheese." (Bill Williams)

NFL Commissioner Roger Godell has waived the league’s IRS tax exempt status. *He was having trouble not laughing whenever he called the NFL “non-profit” and he’ll no longer have to disclose his salary as our justice system’s highest paid parole officer.  (Bob Mills)

A panel of prominent physicians formally accused Dr. Oz for disseminating false and harmful information in the guise of medical advice and called for his resignation. *And you think they get nasty when you complain about having to wait.  (Bob Mills)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 4/30/15              
 

Due to civil unrest in Baltimore, yesterday’s game between the Orioles and the White Sox was played to an empty stadium.  Baseball historians say it's the first time in baseball history that a game has been played to an empty stadium.  *Clearly they've never been at a Los Angeles Dodger’s game after the 8th inning.  (Mark Wheeler)

The Tony Award Nominations are out.  What words are never uttered at this upbeat tribute to live theater?  *“And the winner is Adam Sandler.”  (Alan Ray)

Corinthian College closed for money probs.  It’s shaken up events calendar.  *Tonight’s lecture series “Managing Your Finances” is cancelled.  (Alan Ray)

Record number of earthquakes in Oklahoma.  All the shakes could really affect tourism in state.  *Finally, something to go do in Oklahoma.  (Alan Ray)

A Cornell doctor claims pornography is hurting America’s sex life. *On the bright side, American men’s elbows have never been stronger.  (Alex Kaseberg)

A coyote got loose in downtown Manhattan. It was scary. *The coyote tried to mate with that thing on Donald Trump’s head.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Honey Boo Boo’s mother, Mama June, has announced she is bi-sexual. *At which Bruce Jenner announced, “I don’t want to be a woman any more.”  (Alex Kaseberg)

Pope Francis met with a group of nuns in the Vatican to discuss giving women a greater role in the church. *It marks the first time in history that a ruler got his palms slapped with a ruler.  (Bob Mills)

A recent survey by the American Society of Pediatrics shows that 33% of babies had learned to use a tablet before age one. *Makes potty training a lot easier when toddlers already know how to press “delete.”   (Bob Mills)

CNN reporter Peter Hamby has been signed to anchor the new "SnapChat News." Geared for today’s younger viewer, no item will last longer than 140 characters with no words longer than two syllables.  (Bob Mills)

I Just got an Apple watch to go along with all my other Apple stuff. My Apple TV, my Apple phone, my Apple printer, my Apple modem, my Apple tablet, my Apple laptop, my Apple mouse, my Apple wireless keyboard, my Apple desktop. *The only thing I don't have is an Apple apple. (Bill Williams)

A Texas A&M professor gave F’s to his entire class. One morning he started his lecture with, “Remember the Alamo.” They responded, you mean that car rental place? (Bill Williams)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 4/29/15                

Dr. Oz defended himself from critics last week by saying that his television program is not a medical show.  *I've got news for Dr. Oz, it's  barely even a television show.  (Paul Dudley)

“Furious 7” continues to top the weekend box office.  A car jacking team goes on global thrill ride like no other.  *That’s what they get for relying on Google Maps.  (Alan Ray)

Native Am. actors quit Adam Sandler movie for stereotypes. Actor trying to make peace.  *He’s invited them to a Washington Redskins game.  (Alan Ray)

Kanye West's epiphany changed Kim Kardashian’s mind about Bruce Jenner’s sex change. *Prior to this, Kim thought Epiphany was a jewelry store.  (Alex Kaseberg)

The City of Las Vegas has notified Roger Godell that they would like to sponsor an NFL team. *While, recruiting enough players for a complete roster may pose a problem, 6000 chorus line dancers have already signed up to be cheerleaders.  (Bob Mills)

Harley-Davidson issued a safety recall of 49,000 motorcycles. Owners are livid. *Nobody ever said anything about a seat belt.  (Bob Mills)

Pete Rose will join his old team the Reds for All Star Game festivities in Cincinnati this year. Pete’s not the player he once was. *Now when he hit’s a double, there’s ice in it. (Bill Williams) 

Oscar-winning actress Sandra Bullock was the toast of Hollywood Friday when she was named by People magazine readers the Most Beautiful Woman in the World. *The vote wasn't even close. Sandra Bullock had the field to herself after Bruce Jenner passed the hormone test but failed the written exam. (Argus Hamilton)

A Colorado Springs man was cited for shooting his malfunctioning computer on Thursday. The guy unplugged the computer, took it outside, and fired eight bullets into it, destroying the screen, the keyboard and the hard drive. *Today he's the communications director for the Hillary Clinton campaign.  (Argus Hamilton)

The U.S. Navy arrived in the Port of Aden to support Yemen to block an Iranian arms convoy headed for Yemen. The U.S. is approaching from the east, Iran is approaching from the west and Saudi Arabia is bombing from the north. *The Weather Channel reports that the five-day forecast for Yemen is two days.  (Argus Hamilton)

DirecTV is being charged with false advertising by the FTC. *The worst part for the company is that the first witness called by the FTC will be Poor Decision Making Rob Lowe.  (Jim Barach)

Lumoid is renting the new Apple Watch for $45 a week. The watch costs $350 new. *Anyone who goes for that deal for more than a few days needs a watch that tells them it’s time to try to learn some basic math.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 4/28/15              
 

Cheetos flavored popcorn is becoming the most popular snack at movie theaters, *Leave it to movie theaters to find a way to make buttered popcorn even more unhealthy.  (Paul Dudley)

The Kentucky Derby is Saturday.  What a tradition.  The winning owner racks up millions in prize money.  *The winning horse gets an apple.  (Alan Ray)

The NBA playoffs continue.  Injuries can impact an older team like the San Antonio Spurs.  *The team physician doesn’t accept Medicare.  (Alan Ray)

Starbucks’ computer system went down. *Customers suspected a problem when their drinks came out right with their names spelled correctly.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Complaints against airlines rose 22% last year. *An executive of Spirit Airlines said; “That increase would be upsetting if we gave a damn.”  (Alex Kaseberg)

Bruce Jenner is now wearing dresses behind closed doors. But it’s not easy being a woman. *Monday he left the top off the toothpaste, Tuesday the toilet seat up, and Wednesday missed Dr. Phil. (Bill Williams) 

Manhattan Police captured a coyote prowling around in Battery Park. *For those who are unfamiliar, a coyote is a cougar who wears hair product from Walmart. (Bill Williams)

Groupon of Australia recalled a shipment of condoms because they were full of holes. Fortunately they went to a Comic Con. *Leaky condoms don’t matter in a wallet. (Bill Williams)

Thanks to a computer glitch last week, some Starbucks outlets across the U.S. and Canada offered customers whatever they wanted for free. *They’re even covering the medical bills of those treated for shock.  (Bob Mills)

A restaurant in Dallas named Tallywhacker’s features semi-nude waiters Be cautioned, though. Not advisable to order the “Chef’s Surprise.”  (Bob Mills)

Tourists were forced to evacuate the Statue of Liberty because of a bomb threat. Is no cultural icon immune? The day before, Madame Tussaud’s was closed because of a candle threat. (Bob Mills)

John Hinckley sought release from the sanitarium where he's stayed since he tried to kill Ronald Reagan to impress his imaginary love Jodie Foster in 1981. It may be safe. *Last year when Jodie Foster married her girlfriend Alexandra Hedison, Hinckley was able to move from denial to acceptance. (Argus Hamilton)

The Green Bay Packers announced they will retire Brett Favre's jersey at halftime of the team's Thanksgiving Day game with the Chicago Bears. He played for a long, long time. *Brett Favre holds the record of being the only quarterback who was drafted by both the NFL and the Confederate Army.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Monday 4/27/15                

A new reports finds that many minor league baseball players have been caught using steroids over the past few years.  *If a player is using steroids and is still in the minors, they seriously may want to think about asking their doctor for a refund.  (Paul Dudley)

Vegas wants NHL team. Critics doubt fan interest.  *If people want to watch guys holding long objects, they’ll see Thunder From Down Under.  (Alan Ray)

Billionaire Antony Ressler buys Atlanta Hawks for $850 million.  Original price $750 million.  *But he opted for the premium seat package.  (Alan Ray)

Netflix has renewed “Daredevil” for a second season. A blind lawyer has a superpower like no other. He’s a lawyer people actually like.  (Alan Ray)

Florida man tried to kiss a poisonous snake and it bit him on the face. *Lucky for him he and the snake were still in the necking phase.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh counseled Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston on ESPN’s Draft Academy, which aired Tuesday. *The gifted quarterback prospect has off-field issues. Experts warn if Jameis Winston doesn't clean up his act and stop breaking the law, he could end up in the NFL. (Argus Hamilton)

L.A. Kings star Jarret Stoll was arrested entering a Las Vegas hotel swimming pool party when security guards found a packet of cocaine in the pocket of his swimming trunks. People in L.A. were horrified. *Concussions in hockey are so severe that players go swimming with cocaine in their pockets. (Argus Hamilton)

Willie Nelson announced he will market his own brand of marijuana in Colorado and Washington state called Willie's Reserve. The consumer demand is growing rapidly. In Washington state, Colorado and the District of Columbia, smoking pot is now legal, and in California, it's mandatory.  (Argus Hamilton)

A new drug can reportedly cure double chins. *Now all they need to do for most Americans is expand the research to come up with a drug that gets rid of their third, fourth and fifth chins.  (Jim Barach)

Kraft Singles has become the first product to earn a nutrition seal from the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics. What’s bad is that the Academy is recommending people throw away the cheese slice and eat the plastic wrapper. (Jim Barach)

Disney’s live action version of “Cinderella” has inspired a $4,600 pair of glass slippers. The reason they are so expensive is that they are being made by Nike and sold as “Glass Jordans”    (Jim Barach)

A report says the average Wall Street bonus for 2014 was $172,860. *As opposed to the rest of the country that considers it a bonus when the boss tells them they still have a job the next day.  (Jim Barach) 

The Funny Firm - Friday 4/24/15              
 

"Star Wars" fans could soon own a droid from the upcoming movie "The Force Awakens." The BB-8 is the series' coolest new droid, and manufacturer Sphero revealed Monday they are working on a remote control toy version of the robot. *I guess it finally answers the question, which came first the movie or the toy? (Mark Wheeler)

Miley Cyrus and Patrick Schwarzenegger have apparently broken up. Neither is ready to settle down. *She wants to be annoying with other people. (Alan Ray)

Evidence of cannibalism in ancient Britain. What was cave man’s favorite grilled item after a day of hunting and gathering? *Leg of Larry. (Alan Ray)

Defense contractor Halliburton cutting 9,000 jobs. More terminations planned. *The company is hurting so bad, it may lay off politicians. (Alan Ray)

Rand Paul’s 22-year-old son, William, was arrested and charged with a DUI. *And I had no idea he was a Secret Service agent. (Alex Kaseberg)

Sandra Bullock was named “People” magazine’s “World’s Most Beautiful Woman.” *Better luck next year, Bruce Jenner. (Alex Kaseberg)

If Jeb Bush wins in 2016 that’ll make three Bush presidents. *Pretty rare in this time of Brazilian Waxing. (Bill Williams)

The USDA has recalled 59,000 pounds of Sweet Apple Chicken Sausage sold at Trader Joe’s due to traces of plastic found in them. Not because of a threat to health, though. *The added plastic infringes on the recipe for Chicken McNuggets.  (Bob Mills)

The Coachella Music Festival drew seventy-five thousand music fans to the Southern California desert this past weekend where the L.A. crowd mixed with bikers, rednecks and gang-bangers. It was quite an eyeful. *You used to have to go to the circus to see the fat, tattooed lady, now they're everywhere.  (Argus Hamilton)

New York D.A. Cyrus Vance Jr. ripped Apple over their new encrypted smartphones that prevent police from accessing information on the ones they seize. It's evidence. *A Gallup Poll said sixty-five percent of Americans own a smartphone and a hundred percent of those smartphones own Americans.  (Argus Hamilton)

The first powdered alcohol drink called Palcohol has been approved by the government. *Although it might be time to question if there is a problem when you find it tastes great when you prepare it by just adding vodka.  (Jim Barach)

A study says that heavy pot use among teenagers is linked to memory problems. *Of course, forgetfulness in teens can also be blamed on the fact they never listen to anything anyone ever tells them.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 4/23/15                

An anonymous bidder is now the owner of one of the largest flawless diamonds on the planet. The 100-carat rock was sold at auction in New York Tuesday for over 22 million-dollars.   *We don’t know the name of the buyer, but Kobe Bryant's wife has her fingers crossed.  (Mark Wheeler)

Defense contractor Halliburton cutting 9,000 jobs.  More terminations planned.  *The company is hurting so bad, it may lay off politicians.  (Alan Ray)

The NBA playoffs continue.  You can tell the San Antonio Spurs have a bunch of old guys on the team.  *A fast break now refers to a hip.  (Alan Ray)

The set of “Sesame Street” is being updated. So now, instead of a garbage can, Oscar the Grouch will live in a Starbucks Recycling bin.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Under pressure from nutrition groups, Kraft has agreed to remove the artificial color dye from it its popular Mac ‘N’ Cheese. *To appease the truth in labeling groups, the product will be re-launched as “Mac 'N' Can’t Believe It’s Not Cheese.”  (Bob Mills)

Sarah Thomas has become the first female referee in the history of the NFL. *To prepare for her first game, she’s been studying stadium layouts, meeting the coaching staffs, studying mug shots, learning to identify parole officers…  (Bob Mills)

Adam Sandler, the producer of “Mall Cop 2” starring Kevin James, is stunned by the box office reception the sequel has been getting. *Not that the receipts are all that great, but so far there have been no death threats. (Bob Mills)

San Francisco bans exotic animal acts. *So if you live there visit the Internet to see Ringling Circus, Siegfried and Roy, or Keeping Up with the Kardashians. (Bill Williams) 

Willie Nelson announced he will endorse his own brand of marijuana in states where it can legally be sold recreationally. Willie will turn eighty-two in two weeks and he says that he's in perfect health. *That upsets him because you can't get a marijuana card in California unless you're sick.  (Argus Hamilton)

Fox Sports incited outrage from sportswriters by adding Pete Rose to its Major League Baseball studio panel of experts before TV games. However there's very little public anger about his problem. *The toll-free Gambling Addiction Hotline would be a lot busier if they made the first five calls a winner. (Argus Hamilton)

The FBI continued its sweep of people arrested for attempting to fly to the Middle East and join the ISIS terror group in Syria. They say the homegrown terrorists are the hardest to uncover. *The latest suspect was raised in Michigan and quickly became a Lions fan, especially after he saw The Robe.  (Argus Hamilton)

A trend finds some churches combining services with a gym experience. *Until now, eternal damnation in the afterlife was the only time churchgoers had to be concerned about feeling the burn.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 4/22/15              
 

Kraft's Macaroni and Cheese may not be as bright yellow next year as it is now.  Kraft says the boxed macaroni dish will be sold without artificial preservatives or colors next January.  Instead, it'll get its coloring from natural sources.  Kraft promises the meal will still look and taste the same.  *Ok, so what's the good news?  (Paul Dudley)

Pete Rose will join Fox Sports as an analyst.  The network could use his expertise during the World Series.  *Of Poker.  (Alan Ray)

“Paul Blart 2” hit at box office.  Bumbling security guard fights crime at mall. *There are too many 13 year olds clogging up the food court.  (Alan Ray)

The bankruptcy petition filed by Frederick’s of Hollywood lists $106 million in liabilities and only $36.5 million in assets. Gets even worse. *Over half of the assets consist of crotchless panties, peek-a-boo bras and Styrofoam derriere inserts shaped like Kim Kardashian.  (Bob Mills)

According to hacked Sony emails published by WikiLeaks, Ben Affleck asked that the PBS documentary series “Finding Your Roots” not reveal he had a slave-owning ancestor. *He was afraid his personal assistant, fitness trainer, household staff, poolman, valet, chauffeur and Learjet crew might get the wrong vibe.  (Bob Mills)

David Hasselhoff released a music video called True Survivor, signaling an amazing comeback from a career abyss fueled by alcohol abuse. Five years ago he collapsed on the floor of his Malibu home. *Paramedics saved his life by offering to buy the house for fifty percent more that he paid for it. (Argus Hamilton) 

The National Football League made history naming veteran college ref Sarah Thomas the first woman NFL referee ever. She will really have her hands full. *The NFL has ordered referees this fall to clamp down on excessive player celebrations following quarterback sacks, touchdowns and murders. (Argus Hamilton)

USA Today said that a hundred American runners defied a U.S. State Department travel ban and went to Pyongyang to run in North Korea's marathon sponsored by Kim Jung Un. It allowed the dictator to showcase his softer, cuddlier side. *He looks on Dennis Rodman as the uncle he never killed.  (Argus Hamilton)

Yesterday was 4/21. The day real stoners celebrate 4/20 because Monday they were too stoned to remember it.  (Alex Kaseberg)

A survey says there is near record low confidence in all three branches of the U.S. government. Political experts were shocked. *There are people who know the three branches of government?  (Jim Barach)

A minor league ballpark in Delaware is selling a hot dog wrapped in bacon and served on a Krispy Kreme doughnut. *How bad is it when a meal’s most healthy ingredient is the hot dog?  (Jim Barach)

U.S. airlines set a record by filling 83.4% of all available seats on flights in 2014. *The only problem for travelers is sitting next to someone who is filling up 157% of their seat.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 4/21/15                

Three professional wrestlers are accusing the WWE of neglecting brain injuries. "TMZ" is reporting that Big Russ McCullough, Luther Reigns and Ryan Sakoda are suing the wrestling organization, claiming it has known for years about brain damage caused by the sport. *It’s almost as bad as the brain damage caused by actually watching professional wrestling. (Paul Dudley)

“Ex Machina,” is a new movie about a girl robot who falls in love with a human boy. *She finally dumps him ‘cause he constantly leaves the lid up on her recharging station. (Bill Williams)

Frederick’s of Hollywood is closing all stores. *They’re not going out of business, just working full time for Bruce Jenner. (Bill Williams)

Sarah Jessica Parker will star in an HBO sequel to “Sex and the City” called “Divorce.” *If that catches on, watch for “Collecting Alimony and Child Support in the City” and “Marrying a Rich Old Guy in the City.”  (Bob Mills)

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Kim Richards was arrested at the Beverly Hills Hotel late Thursday night for being drunk and disorderly in the Polo Lounge. The police followed standard procedure. *Kim Richards was booked into the Beverly Hills Jail, where she slept it off in Bungalow Nine. (Argus Hamilton)

Tulsa police confirmed Friday they found a dead body in the back seat of an SUV in a Walmart parking lot in Tulsa which they say sat there for a month. The body will be buried at public expense. Walmart says that while horrifying, it still points to Walmart's everyday low prices and layaway plans. (Argus Hamilton)

“Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” star Kim Richards arrested for being drunk and disorderly. *The jail stint was brief. Her bail was paid by the other inmates. (Alan Ray) 

“The Age of Adaline” opens in movie theaters. A beautiful woman never gets old. *She’s sort of the polar opposite of Madonna. (Alan Ray)

The NBA postseason has begun. How are the Washington Wizards like the politicians in that city? *Their strategy is mostly offensive. (Alan Ray)

A new study claims the more online porn a person watches the shorter their attention span. *Or something like that, I didn’t read it all. (Alex Kaseberg) 

A Nevada brothel started a group "Hookers for Hillary." *And you don't want to know what the hookers call themselves who support Jeb Bush. (Alex Kaseberg)

Hillary asked "Hookers for Hillary" how she can repay them for their support. *Awkward when they said they'll put it on Bill's account. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Funny Firm - Monday 4/20/15              
 

Snoop Dogg is dropping some cash for the future of the marijuana industry. "Business Insider" reports that the rapper has invested in a new startup called Eaze, which is a delivery service that serves patients in California with medical marijuana. *Seriously, you gotta be smoking pot to trust Snoop Dogg with your marijuana delivery. (Paul Dudley)

The Billboard Music Awards nominations are out. The presenters set. Nick Jonas will give female artist of the year award. *Madonna will give male artist of the year mono.  (Alan Ray)

Hillary Clinton took a road trip to Iowa. You can spot her van by how it maneuvers. *Stays mostly left, but veers right when it needs to.  (Alan Ray)

Kanye West is on the cover of “Time” as the most influential person. *It is part of “Time” magazine’s “Our Society Is So Screwed” series. (Alex Kaseberg)

Ben and Jerry’s announced they are releasing an ice cream burrito. *Thank you legal and medical marijuana.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Russia's Vladimir Putin sent Russian warships into the English Channel, setting off alarm bells last week. For months he's sent warplanes over NATO airspace. *The scariest thing about World War III that's about to start is that this time we're on Germany's side and they haven't won a world war yet. (Argus Hamilton)

Los Angeles residents experienced a moderate earthquake which registered three-and-a-half on the Richter scale, centered in Beverly Hills. The shaking lasted a full six seconds. *It wasn't a major earthquake but the Getty Museum announced that its Etch-a-Sketch gallery has been destroyed.  (Argus Hamilton)

Lessening of tensions with the US has allowed Cuba to have its first wireless hub. Most popular Google search. *New, modern, 55 Chevy. (Bill Williams)

Founded in 1947 and once the industry leader in sexy women’s fashion, Frederick’s of Hollywood is closing its 94 stores. *Over seven decades, Frederick’s enjoyed many high profile clients including Jayne Mansfield...Cher...Madonna...J. Edgar Hoover. (Bob Mills)

A virulent strain of canine flu that began in Chicago is quickly spreading throughout the Midwest. *The American Kennel Club is cautioning its members to avoid high risk behaviors like eating from the same dumpster or drinking from the same toilet.  (Bob Mills)

The Small World After All Measles Epidemic at Disneyland has been officially declared over. *It took park workers 72 hours to remove the signs beside the entrance to all attractions that read “You Must Have a Temperature of 98.6 Degrees or Lower to Ride.”  (Bob Mills)

A company is developing an app that uses music to treat depression and insomnia. *Which is caused from people being so tied to all their other smartphone apps they don’t have a life or ever get any sleep.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Friday 4/17/15                

It's a big couple days for Star Wars superfans.  A four-day celebration of the iconic films kicked off yesterday in Anaheim, California.  It will include new footage of the next film in the series "The Force Awakens" and fans are also expected to get a look at a Star Wars video game.  *Finally, a good couple of days for guys who used to work at Radio Shack.  (Paul Dudley)

Another weekend at Coachella begins.  Security is tight for fear of disgusting or reprehensible behavior.  *Madonna might kiss someone else.  (Alan Ray)

Tribeca Film Festival has kicked off in New York.   What’s the least attractive exhibit at this artsy conclave?  *“Madea:  A Retrospective”.  (Alan Ray)

NBA postseason begins.  In the playoffs, a championship team always takes its game to the next level.  *The price of beer goes up 4 bucks.  (Alan Ray)

NBA regular season ends.  Final games see second-string getting playing time in meaningless contests.  *Or, as the Knicks call it, November.  (Alan Ray)

Kanye and Kim Kardashian met with the leaders of Armenia. *It became awkward when Kim thought Armenia was a fashion designer.  (Alex Kaseberg)

New England Patriots head coach, Bill Belichick, turned 63 recently. *When asked what he wanted, he said nothing because he was already given a Super Bowl ring, by the Seahawks. (Mike Pritchett) 

Kourtney Kardashian, will be turning 36 this week. *When asked what she wanted, she said that she would like something that her family has never had,  talent. (Mike Pritchett)

An intruder violated air space restrictions and landed an autogyro on the Capital Mall. *The FAA just wishes Harrison Ford would take up some other hobby.  (Bob Mills)

While heading to her table, Tori Spelling fell into an hibachi at Benihana of Tokyo in Encino. *Before paramedics arrived, market savvy chefs were already offering customers their new grilled “Indulged Starlet Toriaki.”  (Bob Mills)

A Georgia man trying to shoot an armadillo accidentally wounded his mother-in-law last week. The bullet ricocheted off the armadillo, pierced her mobile home, penetrated her recliner, and lodged in her shoulder. *His father-in-law then had to make the same shot, or he'd have completed spelling Horse. (Argus Hamilton)

Sandra Bullock testified in L.A. court against the man who was arrested for stalking her around Los Angeles and eventually entering her home. It's a crime whose definition is clear. *Stalking is when two of you go on a long, romantic stroll together and only one of you knows about it.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 4/16/15              
 

Hillary Clinton made campaign stops in Iowa traveling in a vehicle she's nicknamed the Scooby Van.  Husband Bill is going to hit the road as well…he’s calling his the Shaggin’ Wagon.  (Paul Dudley)

Group of Mets fans are trying to persuade the owners to sell team.  Players are treating issue like a routine fly ball.  *It’s out of their hands.  (Alan Ray)

The tax filing deadline was yesterday.   In long run, scofflaws who scam the system and pay no taxes always end up out on the street.  *Wall Street.  (Alan Ray)

NHL-worst Buffalo Sabres have fired their coach Ted Nolan.  His players reacted to decision the way they do a power play.  *They didn’t try to stop it.  (Alan Ray)

Scientists discovered part of brain responsible for sarcasm. It's next to the part of the brain that gives a damn what dork scientists say.  (Alex Kaseberg)

PepsiCo’s Mountain Dew, Doritos and Ruffles have been named “official junk food of the NBA.” *Biggest news from that league since Kobe Bryant forced them to name Van Cleef & Arpels “official diamond ring supplier.”  (Bob Mills)

Mad Men with Joe Hamm as everyone's favorite New York advertising executive in the Sixties began its final season on AMC. It's so instructive. *In seven years, Mad Men has taught us that the best way to get a red wine stain out of your carpet is to move to another penthouse and stop being such an alcoholic. (Argus Hamilton)

Los Angeles was struck by an earthquake centered just south of Beverly Hills Sunday night that measured three-and-a-half on the Richter scale. It was just a minor little earthquake where a few things fell off the store shelves on Rodeo Drive. It caused about six hundred million dollars in damage. (Argus Hamilton)

Cuba has approved its first free open Wi-Fi hub. *The only problem is that when they open a Facebook account, the only person they can friend is Fidel Castro.  (Jim Barach)

Several companies including Wal-Mart are analyzing employee data to try to determine which of their workers is most likely to leave. *The answer is just as soon as a chance to work somewhere other than Wal-Mart opens up.  (Jim Barach)

A study says that six factors determine which people are going to be millionaires. *Unfortunately, one of those factors is how much money your parents leave you and the other five concern winning the lottery.  (Jim Barach)

Jamie Foxx says he will play Mike Tyson in a new biopic. The film will hopefully answer the question on everyone’s mind. Where did Tyson get the notion that a face tattoo was a good idea?  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 4/15/15                

Tori Spelling is recovering after she fell on a hibachi grill at a Benihana restaurant in Encino, California.  She apparently tripped and fell onto the grill on Easter Sunday, landing her in the hospital with arm burns.   I find this story hard to believe.  *Tori Spelling actually eating something?  (Paul Dudley)

Argentine judge issued arrest warrant for Justin Bieber.  Right now, cops can’t find him.  *They’ve only looked on the top 30 charts.  (Alan Ray)

“Furious 7” topped the weekend box office.  Fans watch in amazement at unbelievable stunts.  *Drivers do 125 miles per hour and not once do they text.  (Alan Ray)

Twenty-one year-old Jordan Spieth wins the Masters wire-to-wire. *Tiger Woods has hickeys older than Jordan Spieth.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Did you see the horrible pitch Tom Brady threw at the Red Sox’s opening game? *He should have handed the ball off to Marshawn Lynch to run it.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Hillary Clinton launched her 2016 campaign with a bang. *I was shocked at how long and hard she kissed Drake on stage.  (Alex Kaseberg)

A new law passed in Moscow proclaims that anyone posting a Photo Shopped picture of President Vladimir Putin on the Internet face a fine and imprisonment. *Anyone who shows him wearing a shirt will face the death penalty.  (Bob Mills)

Quarterback Johnny Manziel has been released from rehab and is heading back to the Cleveland Browns. Just can’t keep this guy down. *Before being turned loose, he was voted MLR “Most Likely to Return.”   (Bob Mills)

Because it’s still technically illegal under federal law you have to pay cash for marijuana in Washington and Colorado. So what’s the advantage over buying it from your old schoolyard connection? *The pot shop will recycle your Twinkies and Doritos wrappers. (Bill Williams)

A survey says that 30% of adults try to shield information from government surveillance. The other 70% are much more concerned about what would happen if their wives were ever able to get into their online accounts and see what they are doing. (Jim Barach)

Cuba has approved its first free open Wi-Fi hub. So far, the first 10,000 hits were all to Google looking for instructions on how to build a raft.  (Jim Barach)

A report says that Cuba is preparing for a boom from American visitors. *Otherwise known as Major League Baseball pitching scouts.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 4/14/15              
 

Pepsi is set to become the new, exclusive beverage and food partner of the NBA. PepsiCo says its brands Mountain Dew, Doritos and Ruffles will be the main products being pushed in its deal.  *So now, not only will the players be 6 feet 7 inches tall, they'll also be 400 pounds.  (Mark Wheeler)

Seven Kentucky Wildcat basketball players are leaving college for the NBA.  No 8am classes, long nights at library, 3 hour labs.  *It’ll feel like freshman year all over again.  (Alan Ray)

FAA warns United Airlines about pilot cockpit violations.  Some rules not easy to obey.  *During short flights, there is a 4 drink maximum.  (Alan Ray)

Grateful Dead announced concert dates.  You can tell band has aged.  *They still sing “Truckin’ up to Buffalo…”, but now it’s in a Prius.  (Alan Ray)

Happy 89th birthday to Hugh Hefner. You can tell Hef is getting up there. *There is a stair chair-lift on the steps down to the grotto.  (Alex Kaseberg)

The oldest hotel in the world is the Hoshi Ryokan in Komatsu, Japan which first opened its doors in the year 718. *Marco Polo ran up a mini-bar bill they’re still trying to collect.  (Bob Mills)

To publicize the growing problem of air pollution, a restaurant in Hangzhou China adds 11% to customers’ bills as a “fresh air charge” for breathing from four purifiers as they dine. *Business is booming but they still trail Starbucks Beijing which soaks coffee beans in it for their $7.85 “Smogochino Latte.”  (Bob Mills)

The FAA has awarded an operating certificate to the merged American Airlines and US Airways. *The merger will be official by year's when their reservation systems are combined and the lost luggage returned.  (Bob Mills)

The New York Post reported that the sculptor who created a scary-looking statue of Lucille Ball for her hometown's town square in upstate New York has agreed to replace it with a nice-looking one for free. Its all good. *The scary one will be saved and re-used as the Bruce Jenner statue in Los Angeles.  (Argus Hamilton)

The White House says that Russian hackers made it into the White House's computers last year through State Department computers. They gained access to President Obama's top-secret daily schedule. *The Russians not only knew what golf course he was at, they knew what hole he was on. (Argus Hamilton)

Microsoft says the new Windows 10 will work with every gadget that can connect to the Internet. *The only problem will be having to reboot the refrigerator every time you want to make a sandwich.  (Jim Barach)

The FAA predicts that air travel will grow at an annual rate of 2.5% over the next 20 years. *Which brings up the question of where are they going to put the other 50% of passengers on planes which are now already 110% full?  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Monday 4/13/15                

In a recent interview, Michelle Obama said that the Secret Service recently taught Malia how to drive a car. Everyone is breathing a sigh of relief.  *Finally the Secret Service now has a designated driver.  (Mark Wheeler)

The FCC reached a 25 million dollar settlement with AT&T, over a consumer data breach. *However, sources say it would've cost the company only 18 million, if they had bundled. (Mike Pritchett)

A survey done by Skout, a dating network, says people who love grilled cheese have more sex than people who don’t love grilled cheese. *Upon hearing this, Wisconsin passed a law defining marriage as being between a man and a woman or a man and a cheese sandwich. *So long as it’s not Velveeta. (Bill Williams)

A string of children’s advocacy groups has asked the FCC to investigate YouTube’s new Kid’s App which buries them in a barrage of commercials from companies like Mattel, McDonald’s and Hasbro disguised as content. *According to the experts, much like potty training, kids should learn early to identify what’s meant to be flushed. (Bob Mills)

The FDA has issued a warning to mothers that as much as 10% of the human breast milk purchased online actually comes from cows. *Which shows the wisdom of the old adage “Never trust anything that’s not in its original packaging.”  (Bob Mills)

Two giant container ships collided near the Suez Canal. *Neither sank, but it took a day and a half to separate the electronic shipments from Walmart’s sweatshops from Apple’s sweatshops. (Bob Mills)

GOP Senator Rand Paul announce his candidacy for the presidency last week. As a Libertarian, Rand favors the legalization of recreational drugs including pot and cocaine. *Young people will flock to his banner in the primaries because win or lose, they're sure he'll have the best election night parties.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Justice Department said five DEA agents frequented sex parties with hookers in Colombia who were funded by the drug cartels. Congressmen called for the five agents to resign. *The rest of the DEA agents may also resign because it’s obviously not going to be any fun to work there anymore. (Argus Hamilton)

The Federal Aviation Administration admitted that hackers broke into the FAA's flight control computers in February. An investigation is now underway. *The feds don't know who broke into their airplane control system, but the evidence suggests they didn't like Harrison Ford's last movie.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Masters Tournament took place over the weekend. The course at Augusta National is extremely challenging. *There are more traps than a Verizon contract. (Alan Ray) 

The District of Columbia suffered a power outage the other day. Very little work got done on Capitol Hill. *And then the power went out. (Alan Ray)

There's a campaign to put a woman on $20 narrowed the candidates to four: *Rosa Parks, Eleanor Roosevelt, Harriett Tubman and future Ms. Bruce Jenner. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Funny Firm - Friday 4/10/15              
 

The U.S. Postal Service is not apologizing for putting a misquote on a stamp honoring the late Maya Angelou. According to a statement by the agency, Angelou was closely associated with the quote. *In hindsight, the Post Office probably should have known that Maya Angelou never said she’s about that bass.  (Mark Wheeler)

A Maya Angelo stamp released by the Post Office.  Why doesn’t the Giuliana Rancic postage look like her?   *The stamp has more girth.  (Alan Ray)

The Masters kicked off in Georgia yesterday.  The course at Augusta National is the most difficult in golf.  *There are more hazards than corn grown by Monsanto.  (Alan Ray)

Leonardo DiCaprio is building a resort in Belize.  He’ll feature an isolated spot where you can be alone.  *A theater showing “Great Gatsby”.  (Alan Ray)

A Secret Service manager is on leave for sexual harassment at a party. *I'm starting to think the secret in Secret Service is a flask.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Pope Francis may extend his Lenten resolutions after the Vatican confirmed he's gained a lot of weight while in office. It's all that bread. *He performs so many services that the liturgy committee approved a low-carb communion wafer made by Nabisco called I Can't Believe It's not Jesus.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Coachella Music Festival banned people from bringing selfie sticks to the rock concerts this week near Palm Springs. The selfie sticks attach to smartphones and allow people in the crowd to take even more panoramic photos of themselves. *It makes the bands feel like they're playing to a wheat field. (Argus Hamilton)

The British Medical Journal Lancet issued a warning about the effects of hard liquor cocktails. Vodka on ice can give you kidney failure, rum over ice can give you liver failure, whiskey on ice can cause you heart problems and rum over ice rots your brain. *Apparently ice is really bad for you.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Los Angeles Dodgers have the highest annual payroll of any major league team, a whopping $270 million. The team is so rich, on “Bobble Head Night,” the fans get a real player.  (Bob Mills)

“Project Cullinan” is the secret code name for the first Rolls-Royce SUV, which is expected to be a “must have” item among Saudi Arabian sheiks and hip hop artists. *The $300,000 V-12 beast is reportedly designed to “carry the most discriminating diner to the first 5-star restaurant on Mt. Everest.”  (Bob Mills)

Microsoft turned 40 recently. *So you should see it around town soon, in a new Corvette. (Mike Pritchett) 

People Magazine is reporting that Barry Manilow secretly wed his longtime manager, Garry Kief, over a year ago. *So now, "It looks like they made it". (Mike Pritchett)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 4/9/15                

A leaked memo from Apple suggests they no longer want long customer lines outside of their stores for new product releases. *The solution is easy, they’re just going to start selling Microsoft products. (Paul Dudley) 

The purse for this year’s Masters Tournament at Augusta has been announced: $9,600,000. *The winner will take home $1,200,000 and the balance will go into the PGA’s fund to help rehabilitate Tiger Woods. (Bob Mills)

The Masters begins in Augusta, Georgia today.  Pro golfers are like Congressmen.  *Most of the work they do is generally below par.  (Alan Ray)

The NFL draft approaches.  Teams are really focused on speed this year.  *Many clubs are looking for players who can outrun the police.  (Alan Ray)

The NFL has hired the first female referee, Sarah Thomas. Great deal for NFL. *She makes as many bad calls as men, but for just 77 cents on the dollar.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Anti-gay laws have hit Indiana gay tourism hard. *To fix this they are planning to change the name of Muncie to Downton Abbey.  (Alex Kaseberg)

A new drug on the streets of Florida called Flakka is similar to bath salts. *Flakka so powerful it can make people in Florida act weirder than people in Florida.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Tuesday was National Beer Day. *Or as they call this in Wisconsin: a day.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Indiana tourism is reeling over a backlash from their new religious freedom law. *It’s so bad, to attract fans, the Indy 500 is being renamed the RuPaul Drag Race. (Bill Williams)

A team from Queen Mary College uncovered human footprints in ancient estuary mud on England's eastern coast that is nearly one million years old. Experts figure they could be the world’s oldest footprints. *Except for Mick Jagger’s on Hollywood Boulevard of course. (Bill Williams)

Disney has announced that they are making a live action version of Winnie the Pooh. *Critics remain hopeful that it will be much better than the last Poo film, Herbie Fully Loaded. (Mike Pritchett) 

Bon Jovi guitarist, Richie Sambora is reportedly under investigation by police after threatening to kill his ex-girlfriend. *Police say that Richie gave love, a bad name. (Mike Pritchett)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 4/8/15              
 

About one out of every five Americans admits to taking a drug to help them relax every day. A new Gallup survey that shows almost 19 percent of people take a prescription or over-the-counter drug to chill out. West Virginians are the most likely to partake, with 28 percent admitting to the habit. *I guess they include moonshine as a drug.  (Paul Dudley)

Lacrosse is now one of the fastest growing sports.  In youth leagues, kids wear extra thick helmets as precaution.  *That’s to avoid hearing their parents.  (Alan Ray)

“Furious 7” topped the weekend box office.  Along with all the great thrills, this movie about carjacking has a message.  *It’s apparently okay to carjack.  (Alan Ray)

Duke fans riot after win over Wisconsin. *Not riot really, but they yelled bawdy limericks and spilled the chai lattes.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Pope Francis was ordered to lose weight after weight gain. *You know he put on too much weight when that big hat is no longer slimming.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Yum! Brands, the company that owns KFC, Taco Bell and Pizza Hut, announced a zero deforestation policy for its palm oil sourcing. The move matches the company's (already in place) zero policy for flavor. (Mike Pritchett)

Authorities in Pittsburgh say a woman has been pretending to be a lawyer for ten years. *In a related story, Las Vegas authorities say Britney Spears still pretends to be a singer at her concerts. (Mike Pritchett)

Blurred Lines writer, Pharrell Williams, turned 42 recently. *He celebrated it almost exactly like Marvin Gaye. (Mike Pritchett)

Fidel Castro made a rare public appearance last week. At first the crowd thought it might be Keith Richards visiting Cuba. *Then they saw he was walking and talking. (Bill Williams)

On Easter weekend, Long Beach welcomed the Formula E Grand Prix featuring battery-powered Formula E cars with McLaren electric motors capable of speeds up to 220 mph. Strictly monitored by the Federation Internationale l'Automobile. *So strict, in fact, one driver was disqualified for boosting his battery power with a jar of fireflies.  (Bob Mills)

Nevada's Moonlight Bunny Ranch and Brothel announced they will hire a dozen men as quality control testers. They'll get paid to have sex with the prostitutes and evaluate their performances. *You figure, if CEOs can have golden parachute retirement packages, why can't Secret Service agents?  (Bob Mills)

The Weather Channel reported tornado season got an early start in Oklahoma Friday. They are mesmerizing to watch as they form in the sky. Visiting relatives who never saw a tornado will stand with their face pressed up against the window for hours and if it gets too bad you have to let them inside.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 4/7/15                

A new survey says 64 percent of Americans own a smartphone. *The other 36 percent of people were too busy looking down at their smart phone to take the survey.  (Mark Wheeler)

Twins pitcher Ervin Santana suspended 80 games for steroids.  Teammates suspected something.  *It was his 95-mile per hour change up.  (Alan Ray)

Rolling Stones plot 15-city tour. You can tell band has aged. *They sing “Gimme Shelter”, but not they’re referring to assisted living. (Alan Ray)

The guy who invented the website "Revenge Porn" got 18 years on prison for extortion. *Look for his next website: "Cellmate Porn."  (Alex Kaseberg)

University of Houston to pay Matthew McConaughey $135,000 for a commencement speech. *$200,000 if he commences to take his shirt off.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Pope Francis addressed the subject of human weaknesses in a Lenten penitential service Friday in Rome. Renditions vary. *In Catholic orthodoxy, sloth, anger, greed, gluttony, envy, pride and lust are known as the Seven Deadly Sins, except in Los Angeles, where they're known as the Bill of Rights. (Argus Hamilton)

Ohio added three hangars to the National Air Force Museum in Dayton filled with every flying machine from the bi-plane to moon rockets. Wilbur and Orville Wright, John Glenn and Neil Armstrong were all from Ohio. *History teaches us that man will do whatever it takes to get out of Ohio. (Argus Hamilton)

The People vs. O.J. Simpson airs on FX this fall with Cuba Gooding Jr. as O.J. and John Travolta as lawyer Bob Kardashian. *What a saga. If someone told you before the murder that an NFL Hall of Famer running back from USC would kill his wife, you'd have bet the farm it would be Frank Gifford.  (Argus Hamilton)

Vatican doctors put Pope Francis on a strict diet after an alarming weight gain, warning him he’s in danger of becoming the "pudgy pope." *The final straw came when he showed up as a judge on Cupcake Wars. (Bill Williams)

Michelle Obama welcomed local Washington D.C. kids to the White House for the annual South Lawn Easter Egg Hunt. *Among the usual chocolate filled, multicolored eggs one kid found several jokes cut from Comedy Central’s Roast of Justin Beiber.  (Bob Mills)

Chip maker Nvidia has introduced a $10,000 computer that can reportedly teach cars to drive by themselves. *Or you could just use that money to hire a chauffeur.  (Jim Barach)

A study says that sleeping more can cut the risk of diabetes. *Mostly because getting an extra two hours of sleep a night takes away that time that people are usually up late raiding the refrigerator.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Monday 4/6/15              
 

In Tennessee, a man sued Pizza Hut after he allegedly broke a denture biting into an excessively hard crouton. *Of course the crouton was hard, it’s the first salad sold at any Pizza Hut since the 1980’s.  (Paul Dudley)

An Arkansas bill would allow business to refuse service to gay couples. *In Arkansas, many think marriage should be between man and cousin. (Alan Ray) 

NFL draft is April 30. First round picks will be amazed at the salaries thrown their way. *“Wow, that’s twice what I earned in college.” (Alan Ray) 

The Final Four in Indianapolis over the weekend. Regardless personal accolades, stars on these teams are here for one thing and one thing only. *A sports agent. (Alan Ray)

Justin Bieber is recording an album with Kanye West. *At last, an album all people, black and white, can join as one to despise together. (Alex Kaseberg)

Indiana pizzeria refuses to cater gay weddings. *Bad news for all gay weddings that want to cater their wedding with pizza, all none of them.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Antarctica had a record high temperature of 63 degrees. *That makes the coldest place in the world Bruce Jenner and Kris Jenner’s old bedroom.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Selfie Sticks have been banned at the Coachella and Lollapalooza music festivals. I’m not worried. *I’ll just use my roach clip. (Bill Williams)

Do you wonder why Prince William wants to fly an air ambulance? Can’t help himself. *He was born to look down on the little people. (Bill Williams)

Robert Schuller, founder of “The Crystal Cathedral” has died at age 88. *To make his final journey a clear one, he’ll be buried with a bottle of Windex. (Bill Williams)

Pope Francis marked his second year as pope last week while enjoying sky-high approval ratings worldwide. He gave up all his worldly possessions, he left his house to live in an apartment, he left his car to ride the bus. *Right now he has every divorced man in America thinking he could have been pope. (Argus Hamilton) 

Vladimir Putin will address the U.N. in New York this fall after his seizure of Crimea, invasion of Ukraine and threats to the Baltic. It's part of his master plan. *Vladimir Putin wants to be given the Nobel Peace Prize, but he believes that in order to get something you have to act like you don't want it. (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Friday 4/3/15                

A Kentucky woman has been arrested for giving a 1-year-old child beer and rum. The mom should have known better. *In Kentucky, everyone knows a 1-year-old child would prefer a Mint Julep. (Paul Dudley)

The Final Four tournament is Saturday.  The event highlights physical fitness and conditioning.  *It will be sponsored by Doritos, Papa John’s, and Taco Bell.  (Alan Ray)

Today is a religious holiday.  Biblical scholars explain why Pontius Pilate freed Barabbas instead of Jesus.  *Barabbas had a better lawyer. (Alan Ray)

McDonalds to test out an all day breakfast menu.  It’ll change the way we think of a Sausage McMuffin.  *And you thought the McFlurry was cold?  (Alan Ray)

Latest Internet trend is Dips, 1.5 second video clips. *Because who has time to watch those 15 second Instagram marathon sessions?  (Alex Kaseberg)

The British Medical Journal released a study which endorses the health benefits that are inherent in a person doing charitable work in his spare time. The study said that volunteering can reduce the risk of heart problems. *That would be terrific if it didn't also reduce the risk of having fun on Saturdays. (Argus Hamilton)

The Rolling Stones announced their North American Stadium Tour Tuesday, which will kick off in San Diego on Memorial Day. They have made some concessions to Father Time. *After the shows, they still do drugs with their pals in the backstage dressing room, only now there's a fifty dollar co-pay. (Argus Hamilton)

The NFL suspended and fined Atlanta Falcons general manager Rich McKay for piping in fake crowd cheering noise into Atlanta's domed stadium during games. For years, players didn't object to the sound of fake jubilation and ecstasy. *Their wives married them for their money so they're used to it.  (Argus Hamilton)

Rumor Willis, daughter of Demi Moore and Bruce Willis is on Dancing With The Stars this season. If you think this is the bottom of the barrel, just wait till next year. *They’ve signed Bruce Jenner to dance with Bruce Jenner.  (Bill Williams)

Two very confused cross-dressing men in a stolen SUV tried to crash the gates at Fort Meade, home of the NSA. *So remember men, if you wear pantyhose, get the ones with just a skosh more room. (Bill Williams)

An updated version of Air Force One is being designed employing cutting edge technology. *Innovations include a GPS system that delivers the president's geographic location as well as his position in approval polls, and a lounge for the Secret Service complete with pre-vetted Colombian hookers.  (Bob Mills)

The NCAA has expressed outrage at the "religious freedom" law passed by the State of Indiana and has threatened to transfer Saturday's Championship game to another state unless it's repealed. *Did you ever think you'd see the day we'd rely on the NCAA for moral guidance?  (Bob Mills)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 4/2/15              
 

At an news conference Monday, Jay Z rolled out his new Tidal music streaming service. Top pop stars like Madonna and Beyoncé lined up on stage shoulder to shoulder looking very awkward.  *Not saying it looked uncomfortable, but the photo op gives us an idea of what the police line-up would look like if there’s ever a shooting at the Grammy Awards.  (Mark Wheeler) 

Final Four is Saturday.  You got to love way Wisconsin sets picks for its shooters.  *They get more open looks than a Miley Cyrus first date.  (Alan Ray)

Pennsylvania woman pretended to be lawyer for 10 years.  Clients began to suspect she wasn’t. *For some reason, they really liked her.  (Alan Ray)

New Air Force One being built.  The enhanced model will plot any course President Obama wants.  *Pebble Beach, St. Andrews, Augusta National…  (Alan Ray)

World’s Oldest Person, Misao Okowa, died at 117. *If I was superstitious, I would swear title World’s Oldest Person was cursed. (Alex Kaseberg)

Folks, do not buy rabbits for Easter. *They get out, mate with the neighbor's Chihuahua and that's how Justin Beiber was born.  (Alex Kaseberg)

The Rolling Stones will tour the US again this year. Well not exactly tour. *What do you call that screech a walker makes on the floor? (Bill Williams)

Good news: Harrison Ford is out of hospital following his plane crash. Bad news: His handicap is 20.  *So watch out 7th fairway. (Bill Williams) 

A new study shows that a nap in the middle of the day can significantly improve memory. *One unfortunate side effect, though. Some male subjects suddenly remembered that bed at midday usually meant a "nooner." (Bob Mills)

Now that Prince William has left the British Army, he'll use his helicopter training to pilot an Air Ambulance for a company in East Anglia. Could be a problem for women patients, though. *You ever tried curtseying while lying on a stretcher with an IV tube in your arm? (Bob Mills)

On Easter Sunday, Christians worldwide will celebrate Jesus' rise from the dead and ascent into Heaven. *All four television networks traditionally mark the sacred occasion by trying to get their failing sitcoms to come back to life. (Bob Mills)

Florida's former governor Jeb Bush topped Monday's first poll of all the likely GOP candidates for president. It indicates fifty-one percent of Republicans saying they could see themselves voting for him. *Jeb Bush has tremendous name recognition, and if he can overcome that he's got a chance to win.  (Argus Hamilton)

Marco Rubio said he'll announce for president in April and try to repair all the damage done to the U.S. economy and foreign policy by Obama. This was an excellent workout for him. *Just in case he gets elected president, he wants to get in the practice of blaming everything on the previous president.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 4/1/15                

Patriots owner Robert Kraft testified that Aaron Hernandez told him he was innocent when asked whether he was involved in the murder of Odin Lloyd. Another witness said Hernandez swore on his baby's life that he was telling the truth. *When reached for comment his baby said, "hey, can you swear on some other baby's life?” (Paul Dudley)

Sunday is Easter.  The Easter Bunny is like the Michael Bay of holiday icons.  *Most of the time he lays an egg.  (Alan Ray)

DEA agents participated in sex parties in Columbia.  This outfit has different type of ops.  *They set up busts, but they’re 38 Double D’s.  (Alan Ray)

Two men dressed as women tried to crash their car into a Maryland NSA facility. *For the love of god, get some help, Bruce Jenner.  (Alex Kaseberg)

A new study claims taking a 45 minute nap in the middle of the day can improve your memory. *It will help you remember why you’re unemployed. (Alex Kaseberg)

Princeton University released a study which shows that falling in love and having sex makes you smarter. The other side of that coin is well-known. *Falling out of love and having no sex makes you stupid, but the royalties you earn from the country music song you write about it will make you rich. (Argus Hamilton) 

Costa Rican police cleared Paris Hilton's parents of wrongdoing after a cocaine smuggler pilot was caught using the Hilton family runway at their ranch in Costa Rica. Paris was in the U.S. at the time DJing a club party with her new boyfriend. *They were introduced by a mutual friend, the bellhop. (Argus Hamilton)

The University of Phoenix said its enrollment dropped from five hundred thousand students to two hundred thousand students the last five years. It's a mass exit. *Most of them dropped out when they found out that spring break consisted of walking to the refrigerator and drinking your dad's beer. (Argus Hamilton)

Prince William has left the military and will fly for East Anglian Air Ambulance. He will of course donate his salary to charity. *Charity will of course donate it to H&M for new yoga pants. (Bill Williams)

Thumbing their noses at Father Time, the Rolling Stones are planning a summer tour of the U.S., Canada, and the UK. *Preparations include choosing venues, setting ticket prices, and hiring local doctors to perform CPR in case anyone collapses on stage or Keith Richards comes back to life.  (Bob Mills)

A new study by the National Parenting Consortium has found that the amount of time parents spend with their children has no effect on their future success. *The morning after it was announced, 5000 parents took advantage of a seldom used law that says if you drop your kid off at a fire station, they have to raise it for you.  (Bob Mills)

Sick of being ripped off by the big record companies, Jay-Z, Madonna and Beyonce have partnered with other top artists to license their music directly and reap all the profits themselves. *Fair is fair, but Madonna wants royalties every time a Catholic mentions her name in a prayer. (Bob Mills)


The Funny Firm - Tuesday 3/31/15              
 

All-day breakfast at McDonald's might soon become a reality. The fast-food chain is reportedly planning to test offering breakfast all day in one U.S. market within the next month or so. *We can blame legal pot in Colorado for this…for the last year every restaurant the state has started breakfast service at noon.  (Mark Wheeler)

Furious 7 opens in theaters this week. There are some incredible stunts in this edition. *In fact, in many scenes, Vin Diesel does his own acting. (Alan Ray) 

There's a campaign to put a woman’s face on the $20. *So guys, it's possible you could go to a strip club and make it rain Hillary’s. (Alex Kaseberg)

A Chinese guy who had his penis cut off by his wife twice has been offered a porn film. *When asked what he would do, he said; "I am stumped."  (Alex Kaseberg)

A restaurant in New York City that just opened serves entrees made from food scraps donated by other restaurants. *The owner figures if it's good enough for hospitals, it's good enough for his patrons. 

*Valet parking is provided but only for used cars.  (Bob Mills)

Among the new rules taking effect in the NFL this year is a provision renaming the sideline officials charged with "precise measurement of distance gained on each play." They will now be known as "Yardage Calculators." *Seems the term "Chain Gang" was making some players nervous. (Bob Mills)

The merger of American Airlines and US Airways will result in the industry's largest loyalty reward program with a whopping 100 million passengers collecting Frequent Flier Miles. *Even more impressive, 27% of them are also certified members of the Mile High Club.  (Bob Mills)

A Boston man rushed to the emergency room after his penis snapped during sex. Unfortunately there’s not an IQ test for Viagra. *His wife thought it said if an erection lasts longer than four hours, take a break. (Bill Williams) 

Willie Nelson, 81-years-high, will open his own chain of pot stores and his own brand of pot called “Willie’s Reserve.” *And to kick it off, Willie will debut his new single, “On the Couch Again.” (Bill Williams)

To mark Earth Hour, a warning about the dangers of climate change, the French turned out the lights in the Eiffel Tower. *Just to be safe they also surrendered the Arc de Triomphe to Angela Merkel. (Bill Williams)

The Rolling Stones announced plans to launch a summer tour of the United States, Canada and England where the rock group continues selling out year after year. It's time they retired. *During last year's shows, their light show consisted of a bunch of cars onstage with their left-hand turn blinkers on.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Monday 3/30/15                

A new restaurant in New York City has just opened and serves dishes made only from food scraps donated from other restaurants.  *It’s good to see Golden Corral has finally opened in New York City.  (Mark Wheeler)

Hackers are targeting the state of Maine's website. Maine-dot-gov was knocked offline by a cyberattack last week. *Boring hackers. (Paul Dudley)

Biologists say hundreds of sharks spotted off Louisiana coast. What’s scientific term when these carnivores swarm together? *Law school. (Alan Ray)

Home opens in movie theaters. A really dumb alien race invades Earth. *All they want to do is eat fast food and play video games. (Alan Ray)

Baseball begins April 5. Over 40,000 fans on their feet at Dodger Stadium in Los Angeles all shouting same refrain. *“Is there a password for the wifi?” (Alan Ray)

Two Missouri teens steal what they think is cocaine and end up snorting grandpa’s ashes. *Fifteen minutes later they were on the front porch shouting, “Keep off my lawn!” (Bill Williams)

David Crosby accidentally hit a jogger.   He was on his way to a rehearsal for a reunion tour of his band, “Crosby, Stills, Nash & In Bed by Eight.” (Bill Williams)

Good news. Hostess is out of chapter 11 and doing well, so it looks like Twinkies are here to stay. In a related story physicists say the universe is likely to have a “cosmological collapse” in a few billion years. *Which ties in nicely with Twinkies sell-by date. (Bill Williams)

Madonna gave an interview to US magazine in which she asked President Obama publicly to invite her to the White House for a visit. In the extensive interview the Material Girl explained to readers why she doesn’t date men her own age. *There aren't that many of them left. (Argus Hamilton)

The Harvard School of Public Health published a national study about binge drinking among the different age groups within the U.S. population. It uncovered the usual suspects. *The study shows that seniors are the group most prone to binge drinking, followed by juniors, sophomores and freshmen. (Argus Hamilton) 

Mad Men star Joe Hamm completed a twenty-eight day rehab for alcohol dependency last week at a rehab in Connecticut. The TV show is the story of a brilliant huckster who makes it to the top of the ad world by drinking and sleeping around. *Now that he's quit drinking, he's going to run for president.  (Argus Hamilton)

Heinz and Kraft Foods are merging. Couldn't have happened at a better time. *College kids have been waiting patiently for fifty-seven varieties of Mac 'n' Cheese. (Bob Mills)

Charlotte, North Carolina's new 'FURY" roller coaster opens. Thrill ride fans drop at a stomach churning 95 miles per hour from a peak higher than the Statue of Liberty. One rider described it as, "riding shotgun for Lindsay Lohan after a night of club hopping." (Bob Mills)

The Funny Firm - Friday 3/27/15              
 

Bankrupt electronics chain Radio Shack is selling collected customer data to the highest bidder.  *Nothing really to worry about…it’s your phone number and address from the 70’s.  (Mark Wheeler)

The NFL approved medical timeouts during games.  Owners put a premium on health and safety. *If a player is healthy, then profits are safe.”  (Alan Ray)

Louisville Slugger sold to Wilson.  How do you spot a bat that’s never been used?   *The labeling says “Property of the New York Mets”.  (Alan Ray)

National Geographic ran a story claiming to have found the ruins of a 1,000-year-old lost city. *Archaeologists dispute the story, claiming 1,000 years is nowhere near the age of Detroit. (Bill Williams) 

Prince Harry announced that he's resigning his British Army commission after 10 years of service. *He was a proud member of the 7th Pub 'n' Pool Midnight Reconnaissance Battalion. (Bob Mills)

Penn State suspended the Kappa Delta Rho fraternity for posting naked photos of women on their Facebook page. *Officials breathed a sigh of relief. *They welcome any scandal that doesn't have the words "coach," "shower room" or "cover-up" in it.  (Bob Mills)

The new app called Meercat allows users to live stream videos of their daily activities on Twitter. *Great. Now we not only have to look at pictures of restaurant meals, we have to watch people eating them, too.  (Bob Mills)

A research paper says humanity is past 4 of the 9 planetary boundaries keeping Earth hospitable to modern life. *It says if we go past another 3, the whole planet could end up being New Jersey. (Jim Barach)

A car mechanic in California says he bought a winning lottery ticket worth $1 Million but can’t find it. *Until now, winning the lottery for mechanics meant finding a wealthy customer who owns a Chrysler.  (Jim Barach)

CBS Sports enjoyed big ratings for the NCAA tournament as March Madness took hold. President Obama filled out his tournament bracket card on ESPN, just as he does every year, but this time it caused concerns. *He picked Israel to lose in the first round of the Middle East Regionals. (Argus Hamilton)

King Richard III's bones were re-interred in Leicester Cathedral a year after his bones were found under a parking lot in England. There was much competition for the skeleton. *The fashion world is looking everywhere for a runway model who doesn't care what the fat acceptance crowd thinks. (Argus Hamilton)

The California Highway Patrol reported that Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame member David Crosby struck a jogger while driving through California's Wine Country on Sunday afternoon. The rocker struck him with his electric Tesla compact car. *The jogger had to go to the hospital and get it removed.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 3/26/15                

Despite being Pope for only a short time, Pope Francis is already being credited with a miracle. *It might just be a misunderstanding, he went to Olive Garden for dinner and the next thing he knew he had never ending breadsticks.  (Paul Dudley)

Starbucks is going to hire 20,000 new employees.  Applicants need not have any previous experience making coffee.  *Or, as the company calls them, “baristas”.  (Alan Ray)

NFL owners are considering a proposal to order mentally unstable players off the field. *This could ruin the season for the Oakland Raiders.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Paris is cutting commuter car use in half to cut down on air pollution. *Another tool in cutting down Paris air pollution? *Deodorant.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Taiwan is now officially the maker of the best single malt whiskey on earth according to World Whiskies Awards 2015. Scotland is up in arms. Well, not too far up. *It raises their kilts to wardrobe malfunction levels. (Bill Williams)

Missing for forty years, tapes of the Beatles performing in the Hamburg red light district pre-Beatlemania will be auctioned. *Some of their songs were not yet in their final form like "I wanna Hold Your Foot" and "The Day Before Yesterday."   (Bob Mills)

A musical named "Scenerio" based on the history of hip-hop will debut on Broadway next year. *It's said to be so accurate, in the final scene, Suge Knight drives his SUV on stage and mows down several other recording execs.  (Bob Mills)

Several popular cheap wine brands including Mogen David and Almaden are accused of selling wine with dangerous levels of arsenic. *May be a tie-in with AMC's recent tribute to Agatha Christie. One of the bottles also tested positive for old lace. (Bob Mills)

The Archbishop of Naples claimed a miracle after the dried blood of St. Gennaro was taken out of the vault and it liquefied in the pope's presence. The church is getting pretty lax about saints and miracles. *John Paul II was made a saint last year because he was really lucky at finding parking spots. (Argus Hamilton) 

Yemen teetered on the brink of civil war as the U.S. evacuated all personnel and all U.S. Special Forces from Yemen after al-Qaeda seized the nation's third largest city. Just six months ago, President Obama called Yemen a model for the Middle East. *Unfortunately that model was Kate Upton. (Argus Hamilton) 

Afghanistan's president Ashraf Ghani arrived in Washington D.C. to pay an official visit to the White House and discuss bi-lateral relations. When he arrived the Afghan leader declined the offer of a twenty-one gun salute. *The while idea of a vacation is to get away from your everyday routine.  (Argus Hamilton)

A Google executive says he wants self-driving cars to be standard within five years because he never wants his 11 year old son to take a driving test. *Talk about taking the long way around saving a few dollars for driving lessons. (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 3/25/15              
 

Police in California are investigating a car accident involving David Crosby and a jogger.  A spokesman for the rock legend says he hit the man Sunday evening while traveling along a highway in Santa Ynez. The spokesperson says Crosby was not impaired or intoxicated in any way.  *Well, there’s a first time for everything.  (Paul Dudley)

L.A. Laker Steve Nash is going to retire.  At 41, the star guard no longer relates to his teammates.  *His idea of a performance-enhancing drug is Rogaine.  (Alan Ray)

“Mission Impossible 5” out this summer.  Tom Cruise sees filmmaking as a marriage.  *It only lasts a few years and winds up costing millions.  (Alan Ray)

NFL may suspend the TV blackout policy for 2015.  It’s a good thing for many of their players.  *Especially the ones who are on house arrest.  (Alan Ray)

Hillary Clinton says if she’s president there will be more transparency in the White House. *You don’t think she means pantsuits do you? (Bill Williams)

Apple will begin taking orders for their new Apple wrist phone which performs all the functions that the iPhone performs and with incredible convenience. The customers are dazzled. *The Millennial generation no longer has to use an iPhone to find out what time it is, they can simply look at their wrist. (Argus Hamilton)

Healthy Aging magazine will mark Healthy Aging Month in September with tips on maintaining physical, social, mental and financial health. Baby Boomers can feel it coming. *I know I'm getting older because even though I run eight miles each morning, seven of those are just looking for my house. (Argus Hamilton)

San Diego parents protested mandatory yoga classes for kids after students got hip injuries after months of stretching exercises. Baby Boomers didn't do yoga back in the late Seventies. *We figured if God had wanted us to bend over and stretch out with our face down he'd have sprinkled cocaine on the floor.  (Argus Hamilton)

T-Mobile has announced it will pay people $650 per line to switch over from their carrier. *In other words, they will pay the last monthly bill for anyone who is still with AT&T.  (Jim Barach)

Playboy is defending its interview with Azealia Banks where she said she “hates everything about America.” *They were surprised at the backlash, mostly because it’s the first time anyone had ever actually picked up a Playboy for the interview. (Jim Barach)

Kendall Jenner says she will always love her dad Bruce whether he is a man or a woman. *At least as long as he doesn’t borrow and stretch out her favorite top.  (Jim Barach)

A CBS soap opera has revealed one of its characters is transgender. *The sex change was a complete surprise to the character’s four ex-husbands, eight lovers and evil twin.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 3/24/15                

The NFL is considering some big rule changes this week. They include moving the extra point attempt from the two-yard-line to the 15, and mandatory possession for both teams in overtime. *One new proposed rule aims to reduce team locker room overcrowding, it would limit each team to only 3 parole officers in the shower area.  (Paul Dudley)

Archeologists working on an excavation near Berlin unearthed a pretzel they believe was baked 250 years ago. *According to a receipt found nearby, it was purchased at a booth during the grand opening of the Mall of Kaiser Wilhelm in 1766.  (Bob Mills)

Chris Borland, a 24-year old linebacker with the San Francisco Forty Niners, has walked away from a multimillion dollar contract due to "fear of the long term effects of repetitive head trauma on the brain." Smart. *The only body part you should ever leave in San Francisco is your heart.  (Bob Mills)

The Cincinnati Museum Center is sponsoring the "Mummies of the World" tour featuring a 500 year old, perfectly preserved, Peruvian girl. *The tour kicked off with an appearance by the Tour's Grand Marshal, Cher.  (Bob Mills)

“Home” opens in theaters on Friday. An inept alien race invades Earth and interacts with humans. *The purpose is to feel better about themselves. (Alan Ray)

The MLB season approaches. Yesterday in an exhibition game, Alex Rodriguez touched them all. *HGH, Andros, Creatine, Primobolan... (Alan Ray)

The Archdiocese of San Francisco's Roman Catholic cathedral installed a sprinkler system over the sheltered outdoor steps in order to flood the homeless trying to sleep in there and run them off. *It was an innocent mistake, The archbishop is dyslexic and he thought Jesus turned the winos into water.  (Argus Hamilton)

The EPA launched a campaign to get Americans to reduce their backyard barbecuing time this summer during cookouts. However, any reduced grilling time could result in e-coli outbreaks from undercooked beef. *Generally speaking, you can tell your steak is too rare if it's eating your salad. (Argus Hamilton)

New York billionaire real estate heir Robert Durst faces a murder trial in L.A. after he misspelled Beverly Hills the same way on the envelope of two separate murder letters. He'll face a tough jury in Los Angeles *The feeling in L.A. is, if the son of a real estate magnate can't spell Beverly Hills, he deserves to die. (Argus Hamilton)

A new Oregon law will automatically register all eligible voters unless they decide to opt out. *A similar law is being proposed in Chicago that would even register people who are still living.  (Jim Barach)

A survey says that 46% of Americans are worried they will run out of money during their retirement. *The other 54% just hope they can live to their projected retirement age of 93.  (Jim Barach)

Buick topped the list on the J.D. Power customer satisfaction survey for mainstream cars. *Which was good news for the average Buick owner who knows that being over 80 is now considered mainstream.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Monday 3/23/15              
 

3-D food printing is getting healthy. A Dutch designer is teaming with a research company to create a sort of pastry shell filled with spores and seeds. It's called Edible Growth and the thing is left to germinate until you decide it looks and smells good enough to eat.  *Is there any point at which spores and seeds look or smell good enough to eat?  (Paul Dudley)

Six million boxes of Kraft Mac and Cheese recalled over metal fragments. Marketing tried to spin it positive. “Fortified with Minerals!” (Alan Ray) 

Robin Thicke and Paula Patton’s divorce has been finalized. Movers had to come for his belongings. He only lifts Marvin Gaye’s stuff. (Alan Ray) 

The NCAA tournament has begun. Coaches of Cinderella teams hope to send a message with an upset. *“Hey bigger schools, hire me.” (Alan Ray)

Liza Minnelli back in rehab. *Now, I don’t want to say she has been to rehab a lot, but they just named the front revolving door in her honor. (Alex Kaseberg)

Study claims loneliness deadlier than alcohol or cigarettes. *On the bright side, if alone, your supply of booze and smokes lasts longer.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Nevada would allow dogs to use medical marijuana. Because dogs don’t beg for snacks and lie on the couch scratching themselves enough. (Alex Kaseberg)

Because other retailers have raised their minimum wage, Target is raising its starting salary to $9 an hour. Bad news for Apple. *Now they’ll have to pay Chinese workers $9 a year. (Bill Williams)

In Alabama a fetus can now get a court-appointed lawyer. Won’t work! *What lawyer will wait nine months to get paid. (Bill Williams)

Indiana police shut down the bathroom of a Walmart when chemicals were found in the men's room indicating that someone was cooking crystal meth in there. That was the second clue. *The police first got suspicious when they noticed that a Walmart employee was making a decent living. (Argus Hamilton)

Prince Charles was charming to all in his tour of Washington D.C. He's trying to loosen up. *A survey says that if your favorite royal is Queen Elizabeth, you are classy and elegant, if it is Prince Harry, then you are fun loving and naughty, if it's Prince Charles, then you're Prince Charles. (Argus Hamilton)

Mint Juleps with Teddy Roosevelt: a History of Presidential Drinking is a new book that details the history of alcohol use in the White House. It reveals Reagan's recipe for Christmas egg nog was fifty percent whiskey and fifty percent egg nog. *The Gipper always believed in peace through strength. (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Friday 3/20/15                

Lawmakers in Nevada are considering legalizing medical marijuana for pets. Nevada is one of 23 states where medical marijuana is legal, for people. So far, no state has made it legal for pets, but the bill's sponsor says that it’s only common sense. *And you thought dogs were lazy before. (Paul Dudley)

Patrick Schwarzenegger denies cheating on Miley Cyrus.  His dad warned him about such behavior.  *“You need to wait until you’re married.”  (Alan Ray)

Kylie and Kendall Jenner have launched mobile video game.  What’s biggest difference between these 2 and an Android?  *The phone is smart.  (Alan Ray)

Prince Harry will end duty with British Army.  He has no immediate plans for future work.  *In other words, he’s joining the family business.  (Alan Ray)

Indiana police now suspect Walmart employees were behind the meth lab in the bathroom. *When asked about it, they lied through their tooth.  (Alex Kaseberg)

The Riviera Hotel on the Las Vegas Strip will celebrate its sixtieth anniversary in April before it is torn down to build a city convention center. The legal gaming industry is the greatest racket in the world. *More people would call the Gambling Addicts Hotline if they made every fifth call a winner.  (Argus Hamilton)

Cape Town newspapers reported Sunday that doctors at Van de Brugh Hospital in South Africa just successfully completed the world's first penis transplant surgery. You could hear CIA analysts in Langley slapping their heads. *Suddenly, Vladimir Putin's ten-day disappearance makes perfect sense.  (Argus Hamilton)

The CDC reports sixteen health workers were flown back from Sierra Leone Monday to check for symptoms of Ebola. Last fall, a patient flew to Dallas and died after which an exposed nurse flew to Cincinnati and another exposed nurse went on a cruise. *The first symptom of Ebola is the urge to travel.  (Argus Hamilton)

Kim Jong-un will leave North Korea in May for his first big trip. *He'll wear his big boy pants and travel in an ox cart with really big wheels. (Bill Williams)

Health researchers have determined that parents who refused to immunize their kids from common childhood diseases were responsible for Disneyland's outbreak of measles. Makes sense. *If they won't protect them from a deadly illness, why would they protect them from overpriced rides?  (Bob Mills)

NFL owners are considering a proposal to let instant replays correct officiating errors. *So now we’ll have a timeout for a replay with another timeout to replay whether the officials correctly called the replay.  (Jim Barach)

A former Facebook employee is suing the company for sex discrimination and sexual harassment. *She says that kind of behavior should be limited to people who are her Facebook friends.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 3/19/15              
 

Pope Francis says that one of the things he misses most about ordinary life is the ability to go out and eat pizza without being recognized. *I guess we can assume his favorite pizza place is Pope’a John’s? (Rick Fancy)

The L.A. Marathon ended in Santa Monica Sunday with runners startled by barking dogs owned by homeless people near the finish line. It’s the only city that allows the homeless to own their own dogs. *It's great for the homeless, but the dogs have got to be wondering if this walk is ever going to end.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Justice Department filed corruption charges against Senator Bob Menendez of New Jersey Friday. He reportedly flew to the Caribbean on a donor's plane where they hooked up with young prostitutes and drank the islands dry. *If convicted he could get four-to-eight years in the Secret Service. (Argus Hamilton)

The Weather Channel reported a heat wave in Los Angeles when Santa Ana winds blew in off the desert. It's just miserable for allergy sufferers. Last night in Bakersfield, two people were arrested in a Walmart bathroom trying to convert their crystal meth back into Sudafed.  (Argus Hamilton)

“Danny Collins” opens in theaters. A washed up 1970’s rock star attempts a comeback tour. *Normally, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. (Alan Ray)

Rory Mcllroy is on the cover of the latest EA Sports golf video game. The virtual reality element is incredible. *Players feel like they’re actually doing something healthy.  (Alan Ray)

Quite a weekend for HBO. While filming a documentary, real estate mogul Robert Durst visited the men’s room wearing a live microphone and confessed to killing his wife, her friend and a neighbor. *He was almost drowned out by the guy in the next stall flushing Hillary Clinton's e-mails.  (Bob Mills)

Russian President Vladimir Putin finally emerged after a mysterious disappearance, spurring rumors that he was ill or off marrying his girlfriend. None of the above. *Turns out he was just trying to ditch an HBO film crew intent on getting him to confess to invading the Crimean Peninsula.  (Bob Mills)

Starbucks is getting a mixed reaction to its efforts to encourage the discussion of race relations by printing "Let's Race" on its cups. Costing them a bundle, too. *Customers who thought the slogan meant "run a marathon" are seeking reimbursement for airline tickets to New York, Boston and Los Angeles.  (Bob Mills)

A Paris boutique offers customers the use of a 3D printer to make little copies of themselves. *This will add a whole new line to our vernacular: “Is that a facsimile in your pocket or are you just glad to see me.”  (Bill Williams) 

Poor Bruce Jenner, he’s complaining that he’s lonely living all by himself. But why should he be? *With all those new body parts, it must be like Christmas every night. (Bill Williams) 

Prince Charles and wife Camilla arrived in Washington on Tuesday. *They plan visits to the Lincoln Memorial, the Washington Monument and the tomb of the Unknown Warhorse. (Bill Williams)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 3/18/15                

Yesterday was St. Patrick’s Day. Named for the patron saint of Ireland, March 17th is the day St. Patrick is believed to have died around 490 A.D.. Legend says he’s the guy who drove the snakes out of Ireland. *He’s also the very first person to spend the next morning puking up green beer.  (Paul Dudley)

Oakland A’s pitcher Pat Venditte is ambidextrous. Front office has decision to make. *Do we trade him as a left hander or a right hander?  (Alan Ray)

Cinderella” tops at the box office. A young orphan girl is treated like dirt by her two mean, self-absorbed stepsisters. *Kim and Khloe.  (Alan Ray)

Pope Francis hinted he may retire from being the Pope. You know who may replace him? *Either Ryan Seacrest or Anderson Cooper.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Harvard beat Yale in the Ivy League tournament to advance to the NCAA tournament. *This game was whiter than the Academy Award nominees.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Disney enjoyed their largest March opening since 2010 as "Cinderella," starring Downton Abbey's Lily James, grossed $70.1 million. From PBS to Hollywood stardom with one film. *Proving once again the wisdom of the old adage "If the Shoe Fits."   (Bob Mills)

Critics are praising the San Diego Opera Company's "Nixon in China," a musical about the disgraced president, an "unqualified hit." *This despite a delay on opening night when all of the theater's restroom suddenly developed leaky pipes. (Bob Mills)

For the first time, gays and lesbians marched in the Boston, St. Patrick's Day parade. *It was so cold they wore thermal thongs. (Bill Williams)

Saturday was National Pi Day. Pi is the ratio of roundness to diameter. The number, 3.14 is used in all kinds of math and never changes. *Except in yoga pants, and even Einstein couldn’t figure them out. (Bill Williams)

Utah lawmakers passed a law that brings back the firing squad for capital punishment whenever the lethal injection cocktail is not available. A dozen sharpshooters line up twenty-five feet away from you and open fire at your heart. *However this is Utah, so they do offer you a last milkshake.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau approved Palcohol Thursday, which is alcohol in powdered form that you're supposed to mix with water. Not everyone reads the instructions on the packet. *During the mandatory government testing process, Charlie Sheen nearly destroyed his sinuses.  (Argus Hamilton)

Cape Town surgeons announced in South Africa Friday they successfully completed the world's very first penis transplant surgery. The timing for the operation was just perfect. *Generally, organ donors are dead, but in this case Bruce Jenner just happened to be holding a going-out-of-business sale.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 3/17/15              
 

A pair of game-worn Michael Jordan basketball shoes more than 30 years old will soon be up for bid next month. The shoes could fetch 50 thousand dollars and are believed to be the earliest NBA game-worn shoes by Jordan to ever hit the market. *Collectors are picky, his 1984 game-worn Haines underwear are going for 2 bucks.  (Paul Dudley)

Utah's legislature passed a law allowing capital punishment by firing squad if Utah has trouble getting lethal injection drugs. The European patent-holder of the liquid lethal cocktail will no longer sell it to U.S. states. *Vladimir Putin always carries the antidote in case somebody switches drinks on him.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Colorado Rockies made history announcing they will sell marijuana brownies at the concession stands at their home games in Denver this year. It could improve the officiating of the game. *If the umpires eat these brownies between innings, no one can blame glaucoma for the bad calls.  (Argus Hamilton)

Ferguson policemen were wounded by gunfire in an ambush outside the police station Thursday during protests where demonstrators confronted cops and chanted profanities. Four shots rang out, prompting a melee on the street. It looked like six Los Angeles high schools getting out at the same time.  (Argus Hamilton)

A new study shows teen pot use can lead to memory problems later. *Also, a new study shows teen pot use can lead to memory problems later. (Alan Ray)

Marvin Gaye’s family won suit against Robin Thicke. *Blurred Lines singer says it will not bring him down. “Ain’t no mountain high enough.” (Alan Ray)

March Madness is about to hit. Participating schools share hundreds of millions of dollars in revenues from this 3-week event. *The players get a tote bag. (Alan Ray)

Vladimir Putin vanished for ten days before reappearing yesterday. *We know this because none his opponents have been shot or poisoned.  (Alex Kaseberg)

A meth lab was found inside Indiana Walmart bathroom. *Authorities had no choice but to cordon off the area and declare it part of Florida.  (Alex Kaseberg)

A deadly strain of wild bird flu has been found in Missouri, Arkansas and Kansas, threatening commercial chicken and turkey farms. *McDonalds says their Chicken McNuggets are safe since they don't contain any real chicken parts. (Bob Mills)

The Dodge Charger Pursuit is the most popular police vehicle nationwide with the Ford Taurus and Interceptor Utility closely following. *Cops favor the built-in extras on the Interceptor particularly the combination video game screen and doughnut warmer. (Bob Mills)

A woman in Des Moines, Iowa who miscalculated her pregnancy by six weeks gave birth to a six pound, eight ounce baby girl in the shower. *The kid is clean, but you can bet she's no born mathematician.  (Bob Mills)

The Funny Firm - Monday 3/16/15                

By the year 2020, there will be an additional one-billion subscribers to mobile communications. A report predicts the number of new mobile subscribers to increase from the current three-point-six billion to four-point-six billion by 2020. *Which all adds up to a whole lot more pictures of food posted on Facebook.  (Paul Dudley)

A contestant on Jeopardy, Kristen Sausville, ended up in final Jeopardy all by herself. *It really brings back bad memories of my prom.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Kim Kardashian has vehemently denied rumors of a divorce with Kanye West. *Even though Kim has no idea what the word vehemently means.  (Alex Kaseberg)

The movie “Chappie” is now in theaters. It the story of a robot programmed to think and feel for himself. *As a result, he is often confused for Keanu Reeves. (Alan Ray)

The Apple Watch debuted which allows you to make calls, email, purchase items, activate Siri, go on Facebook, watch TV and videos and monitor your heart. And it's all on one wristwatch. *It's the perfect gift for the person who has everything and needs to be distracted so you can steal some of it. (Argus Hamilton)

Fox News was named the most trusted TV news network in a poll with CNN, NBC and CBS way behind. It's news that's easy to watch. *It's only a matter of time before the Miss America Pageant adds TelePrompter reading to the bathing suit competition and the winner is crowned Fox News anchor.  (Argus Hamilton)

Tim Tebow is training with Tom Brady's quarterback coach to improve his passing for the NFL veterans scouting combine in Phoenix this week. His odyssey has really matured him. *When Tim Tebow sees people kneeling on New York subways, he now knows they're not praying, they're wounded.  (Argus Hamilton)

Disneyland security cameras have filmed a ghost wandering the park at night. Some say it’s the Headless Horseman, but I don’t think so. *This guy’s headless all right, but he’s wearing a suit and holding a mouse by the hand. (Bill Williams)

The owner of an online clothing company says he is interested in buying bankrupt SkyMall. *There have been crazier business deals. *Like the millions of people who actually bought something through SkyMall.  (Jim Barach)

A report says that veterinarians are using acupuncture for pain relief for pets. *Although it might not be a good idea to be the first one to try sticking a needle into a pit bull that is already not feeling real well.  (Jim Barach)

A study says that expensive drugs work better than cheaper versions. *To which anyone who has had a prescription filled out in the past 15 years is asking “What cheaper drugs?”  (Jim Barach)

A new poll shows a huge gap between what scientists and the public thinks. *Especially when it comes to thinking you look good wearing khakis and a polo shirt while driving around in your Prius.

The Funny Firm - Friday 3/13/15              
 

More than 40-million Americans will fill out about 70-million brackets for the upcoming NCAA basketball tournament this year, wagering roughly nine-billion-dollars.  Every year, March Madness pushes worker productivity down.  *Employees spend so much time following the games, they have almost no time left to go on Facebook.  (Paul Dudley)

The exhibition season has begun in the MLB.  The Yankees plan to use Alex Rodriguez as a DH.  *Or, is that HGH?  (Alan Ray)

White House Secret Service agents drove drunk, and crashed into barricade at White House. *Luckily neither they, nor their prostitutes were hurt.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Dunkin’ Donuts has vowed to stop using titanium dioxide, a whitening agent that may be toxic, in its doughnuts. *On the downside, cops will have to find some other way to polish their stinkin’ badges. (Bill Williams) 

St. Patrick’s Day is Tuesday. St. Patrick, he’s the guy who drove the snakes out of Ireland. *Right here where they setup the American Bar Association. (Bill Williams)

Harrison Ford was reported doing fine by doctors and family members after he crashed a vintage World War II trainer plane on a West Los Angeles golf course. *He climbed out of the wreckage with only a few gashes to the head. *Out of habit, CNN is reporting that the plane is missing.  (Argus Hamilton)

Angelina Jolie announced plans to adopt a three-year-old Syrian orphan boy named Moussa to the ever-expanding family that she's raising with her husband Brad Pitt. Human rights activists have just one question for Angelina. *At what point does it stop being adoption and start becoming hoarding?  (Argus Hamilton)

The L.A. Times reports two female Orange County teachers were arraigned in Newport Beach for having sex with high school boys during a field trip. They're also charged with providing the boys cocaine. *In California high schools they teach sex education and drug awareness in the same mini-van.  (Argus Hamilton)

Cinemark's revolutionary new $9 million Playa Vista theater complex in Marina Del Rey, California  features a 70-foot wide screen and a sound system with more than 60 speakers. *So cutting edge, it makes "Hot Tub Time Machine 2" almost bearable.  (Bob Mills)

To raise money for charity, HBO will film WILL FERRELL playing every position on ten MLB teams during Spring Training in Mesa, Arizona. *He'll be treated like an actual player even including the mandatory urine sample.  (Bob Mills)

A professor cleaning out a vault at the University of Buffalo found a cache of ancient coins from the reign of Julius Caesar. According to the imprint on several of them, there really was a Lil' Caesar's Pizza Parlor in Rome. (Bob Mills)

The FDA is taking steps to make sure defibrillators are more reliable when they are needed. *The only problem is when patients who are saved with a defibrillator go back into cardiac arrest once they are given their hospital bill.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 3/12/15                

There's a new study that says giving your child too much praise can harm them later. They become more narcissistic.  They constantly take selfies, text, and post their entire life on Facebook.  *In other words, they become typical teenagers.  (Paul Dudley)

The Apple Watch will be out April 24th.  The battery lasts 18 hours.  *In other words, until they release the upgraded model.  (Alan Ray)

The SAE fraternity has been shut down at the University of Oklahoma.  How can you tell it’s party time at those bros’ house?  *They get sheet faced.  (Alan Ray)

The Iditarod has begun.  The champion musher will receive over $100,000 in endorsements.  *The champion team of huskies each gets a biscuit.  (Alan Ray)

A 27-year-old Florida woman was injured when she was texting and walked into a moving train. *In her case LOL stood for Locomotive On Leg.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Fast and Furious 7 is coming to theaters. And this one’s a greenie. *Seven nerds race to see whose Prius can recharge faster. (Bill Williams)

Legalized pot is the hottest business in America right now. So big, Apple is making a candy apple iPhone. *Called iMunch. (Bill Williams)

Hillary Clinton is under fire for creating private e-mail accounts she used as Secretary of State so that she could erase any conversations that might incriminate her or embarrass her. Life is a circle. *You start out your career by investigating Richard Nixon and you end it by channeling Richard Nixon. (Argus Hamilton)

The Ringling Brothers Circus caved in to animal rights activists and announced they will eliminate elephants from all shows in three years. This will end entire careers. *The clowns who follow the elephants with shovels will have to return to their former job as press secretaries in Washington D.C. (Argus Hamilton)

Harrison Ford was reported in good shape in an L.A. hospital Sunday after he successfully crash-landed is private plane at the Penmar Golf Club in L.A. It made worldwide news. *Fifteen minutes after the plane crash, President Obama called the pro shop to make sure the golf course would pull through. (Argus Hamilton)

March Madness is almost upon us. *Biggest bet this year is how high the University of Oklahoma can climb with nothing but white players.  (Bob Mills)

Utah has become the only state to authorize the firing squad for executions, but with a twist. *The prisoner would be given the option of shooting himself while being forced to watch "Hot Tub Time Machine 2."  (Bob Mills)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 3/11/15              
 

McDonald's is blaming its sales slump on consumers' changing tastes.  The fast-food giant said sales fell four percent last month in U.S. stores. *Analysts say the drop is due to McDonald's customers finally realizing they were eating at McDonald's.  (Paul Dudley)

The Iditarod has begun.  The champion musher will receive over $100,000 in endorsements.  *The champion team of huskies each gets a biscuit. (Alan Ray)

Conference tournaments begin in college basketball.  This time of year it’s one and done for players.  *Sort of like going to class. (Alan Ray)

Christie's Auction House in London recently sold a vial of blood taken from Winston Churchill. *Vials of his sweat and tears have already been sold to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  (Bob Mills)

The new Apple Watch costs $349 to $17,000 plus HBO for $14.99 a month. Even more impressive, the built in health-o-meter displays your heat rate, blood pressure, cholesterol level, and how many calories you have to work off to pay for it. (Bob Mills)

Thanks to parents' increased awareness of what their children are eating, McDonalds dropped another 4% in sales in February. *If this slide continues, management may soon implement a plan to change the "Happy Meal" to the "Please Make Us Happy Meal."  (Bob Mills)

Nobel Peace Prize committee chairman Thor Jagland was demoted to committee member in Oslo. He's ridiculed for awarding Obama the prize six years ago after he'd only been U.S. president less than a month. *It's the only Nobel Peace Prize ever celebrated with a drone strike and a troop surge. (Argus Hamilton)

New York Board of Health voted to make owning a ferret illegal. *But don’t worry, Donald Trump, the ferret on your head is grandfathered in.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Got myself a smart watch. Turns out to be a “Smart Alex” watch. *When I check the time, it smirks at me and says to put it in the form of a question. (Bill Williams)

A study says that drinking three cocktails a day may boost the risk of having a stroke. *Not from the alcohol, but from repeatedly landing on your head every time you keep falling off the bar stool.  (Jim Barach)

A report says that legalized marijuana is the fastest growing business in the U.S. *Followed closely by pizzerias, ice cream parlors and bakeries.  (Jim Barach)

A report says that Apple has enough money to pay every American $556. *Mostly because every American is giving Apple $5,000 so they can have an iPhone, iPad and MacBook. (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 3/10/15                

Boston Medical Center found that 15 percent of 2-year-olds in the Boston area drink as much as 4 ounces of coffee a day. It’s not surprising really.  *What 2-year-old doesn’t love to have a cup of coffee while reading the morning newspaper?  (Paul Dudley)

Court TV cameras were fixed on Jodi Arias as she escaped the death penalty after a second jury deadlocked on her sentence last week. She killed her boyfriend by stabbing him twenty-seven times in the shower and then shot him.  *Jodi Arias has a really hot body, it's under the floorboard in her kitchen.  (Argus Hamilton)

Toys R Us rolled out a toy microphone and microphone stand that produces audience laughter and applause whenever your child speaks into it. Your children will think they're funny whether they are or not. *This is a way for parents to create Frankenstein without running up the electricity bill.  (Argus Hamilton)

Israel's opposition to President Obama's proposed nuclear deal with Iran was joined by Egypt, Saudi Arabia and Jordan. It looks like our president has finally earned that Nobel Peace Prize he won. *Barack Obama is the first president in history to unite Israel, Egypt, Saudi Arabia and Jordan.  (Argus Hamilton)

Female Ukrainian rebels staged a beauty pageant in the city of Donetsk to celebrate Women's Day. *The talent portion was won by a sergeant who twirled three loaded AK-47s.  (Bob Mills)

Marvin Gaye’s family is suing Robin Thicke over “Blurred Lines”. “I don’t steal,” claims Thicke. *“I got 99 problems but plagiarism ain’t one…” (Alan Ray)

The Iditarod Dog Sled race begins. It’s an amazing challenge. *One musher, a team of lean, hungry Huskies, 1100 miles, and one pooper scooper. (Alan Ray)

Daylight Saving Time is in effect. An extra hour of sunlight has huge impact on youth sports. *It gives an additional 60 minutes for parents to bicker.  (Alan Ray)

The military is going to eliminate its ban on transgenders. *Great news for privates who are not happy with their privates. (Alex Kaseberg)

Hollywood has a new “Supergirl” series in the works. *Is the S on her chest for silicone? (Bill Williams)

Kim Kardashian has gone blonde because she’s always wanted to see if blondes have more fun. Wanting to do it scientifically she got herself a spreadsheet. *But being Kim, she put it on her bed. (Bill Williams) 

A report says that group medical visits with several patients are becoming more popular with doctors. *The only bad part is when you are the only one who is there for a prostate exam.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Monday 3/9/15              
 

The world's oldest person celebrated her 117th birthday Thursday.  *When you’re 117, isn’t everyday a reason to celebrate?  (Paul Dudley)

A “Sharknado 3” is in works. There will be standard animal cruelty disclaimer at the end. *“No lawyers were hurt in the making of this movie.” (Alan Ray) 

A reports shows cost of college is up over a year ago. The average monthly living expense is $1,200. *And that’s mostly for room and beer. (Alan Ray)

NBA fined Knicks Phil Jackson for comments about college player. *Most of time when he talks about amateurs, he’s referring to the Knicks. (Alan Ray)

2015 is a wild year so far. *Two llamas escape, nobody can agree on the color of a dress and Harrison Ford has hit more fairways than Tiger Woods. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Seattle Seahawks have reached a deal with running back Marshawn Lynch. *And here I was afraid they would pass on it. (Alex Kaseberg) 

After years of research NASA concluded Mars is way wetter than anybody ever thought, with puddles everywhere; lakes even. *Proving conclusively that men are from Mars, and they left the toilet seat up. (Bill Williams)

Forbes magazine published its annual list of billionaires that listed Microsoft founder Bill Gates as the richest man in the world with a net worth of almost eighty billion dollars. Bill Gates once surprised his wife Melinda by giving her a fountain pen for Christmas. *She was expecting a yacht. (Argus Hamilton)

CBS announced Wednesday it has extended the TV contract of Judge Judy Scheindlin to star in the daytime hit Judge Judy for another five years. Financial terms were not disclosed but her current contract pays her forty-five million dollars a year. *Only Kobe Bryant gets paid more to sit on the bench.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Smithsonian will display Mad Men character Don Draper's gray suit, fedora hat and office bar cart to honor the rollicking Sixties drama. What an era. *The difference between now and fifty years ago is today you shout at the drug store clerk for condoms and you whisper if you'd like a pack of cigarettes.  (Argus Hamilton)

The sheriff of Butler County Ohio used the Facebook page of a suspect wanted for burglary to turn himself in voluntarily and it worked. Andrew Marcum showed up within a hour. *The clincher was putting guard towers and searchlights on his wall.  (Bob Mills)

Accepting a pay cut of $4 million to compensate for his advancing years, Denver Bronco quarterback Payton Manning will return for an 18th season. *He's so near retirement, when he calls signals opponents sometimes yell "Bingo!"  (Bob Mills)

The Funny Firm - Friday 3/6/15                

Microsoft introduced a foldable keyboard at Mobile World Congress in Spain. The foldable keyboard is for people who use Microsoft products…it replaces the throwable keyboard. (Paul Dudley)

The Chicago Cubs stepped up renovation of Wrigley Field.  They want it completed before their season ends.  *In other words, the All Star Break.  (Alan Ray)

Denver Nuggets fired head coach Brian Shaw.  The players reacted to the decision the way they defend a fast break.  *No one got in the way.  (Alan Ray)

Green Bay Packer Jarrett Bush was arrested for drunkenness. He’ll discover community service different from football.  *Road jersey is orange.  (Alan Ray)

Unveiled at the Geneva Motor Show this week, the Aston-Martin Vulcan and the Ferrari FFX-K are priced at over $2 million a copy. And those are just the stripped down models. *You start adding options and accessories and pretty soon you're in sticker shock territory.  (Bob Mills)

A bird photographer in England caught a rare shot of a weasel carried aloft on the back of a woodpecker he'd attacked. *When it comes to carry-on luggage, Mother Nature isn't as strict as Delta and Southwest.  (Bob Mills)

Switching her TV show to California, Oprah Winfrey has sold her Harpo Studios in Chicago. No free cars under the seats this time. *At the end of the show, each audience member got to take home the seat itself.  (Bob Mills)

California gun rights activists are lobbying legislators in Sacramento to change the state's law which bans Californians from openly carrying handguns. The ban has a few exceptions. *The law allows exemptions for hunting and shooting events, such as changing lanes on the Hollywood Freeway. (Argus Hamilton)

The Inglewood City Council approved Rams owner Stan Kroenke's construction plan for a new NFL stadium in Los Angeles that's equipped with a retractable roof. The roof is vital. *It's always seventy-six degrees in Los Angeles, but if the cloud cover isn't exactly right, everyone looks ten years older. (Argus Hamilton)

Christie's Auctions in London announced they'll auction a vial of Winston Churchill's blood. His doctor allowed the great man a daily regimen of brandy, cigars and champagne and he lived to be ninety. *Winston Churchill is the father of the idea that if you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor. (Argus Hamilton)

Delta flight at La Guardia airport skidded off the snowy runway. *There were no injuries, so passengers were charged a $100 sledding fee.  (Alex Kaseberg)

In Paris, Kim Kardshian revealed she is now a platinum blonde. *And believe it or not, she is now even dumber than before.  (Alex Kaseberg)

A report says that the world is now at “peak food” production. Which is no coincidence because it is pretty obvious that Americans are trying to reach peak food consumption.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 3/5/15              
 

Taco Bell is testing a new product called “Cap’n Crunch Delights,” which are balls of sweet dough, covered in crushed Cap’n Crunch cereal, and filled with a “milk icing”. *They settled on that name because "Type 2 Cap’n Crunch Delights” was just a bit too honest. (Paul Dudley)

Season 5 of Downton Abbey ends. Aristocrats treat help like objects to be discarded.  *Or, as it’s called at Walmart, “management training”. (Alan Ray)

Paris Hilton in Cuba.  Folks there prefer water along the beach to seeing this American celebrity.  *The water along the beach is less shallow.  (Alan Ray)

Scientists say Britons imported wheat 8,000 years ago.  Grain wasn’t filtrated like today.  *It’s what we would now call Keystone Light.  (Alan Ray)

Tuesday was National Pancake Day. *The official sponsor of “The New Honey Boo Boo Show.” (Bill Williams) 

Microsoft founder Bill Gates tops Forbes List of 1826 billionaires worldwide with a net worth of $79.2 billion. Yet, according to close friends, he has retained his innate concern for those less fortunate. *For instance, he always compliments Warren Buffet when he shows up once a week to clean his swimming pool. (Bob Mills)

Charged with murder, Death Row Records founder SUGE KNIGHT was taken to the LA Jail Infirmary after telling a judge that he "didn't comprehend" what was happening to him. His defense team suggested that from now on, court rulings in the case be delivered in rhyme by a major rap artist. (Bob Mills)

Conan O'Brien made history by taping his talk show in Havana, the first American entertainer to do so since the relaxation of our boycott. Castro drove a hard bargain, two outfielders and a Yankee Spring Training bimbo be named later.  (Bob Mills)

Washington D.C. legalized the possession of marijuana, joining Colorado, Washington state and Alaska where pot is legal now. The Baby Boomers can finally retire now, our work is done here. *In ten years, the most visited shrine in Washington D.C. will be the Cheech and Chong Memorial. (Argus Hamilton)

Interpol reported that South America is now a hotbed of illegal human fat peddling for cosmetic laboratories. Human fat-trafficking rings in Peru are now selling cellulite to European cosmetic doctors for sixty thousand dollars per gallon. *Kim Kardashian just realized she's sitting on a gold mine.  (Argus Hamilton)

Taco Bell announced they're going to open their first Taco Bell restaurant in Japan. No word yet on the anticipated whale meat burrito. *Last year Taco Bell pulled lion meat from its menu when PETA protested, however, lions announced they will continue to eat humans every chance they get.  (Argus Hamilton)

College students at Virginia Tech have designed what they call the kitchen of the future. *Which for college students consists of a refrigerator that holds 20 cases of beer along with enough room left over for a full keg tap.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 3/4/15                

The third season of House of Cards premiered on Netflix this past weekend. The show features corruption, deceit and moral bankruptcy.  It was disgusting. *I was able to watch the whole thing by borrowing a friend’s Netflix username and password.  (Mark Wheeler)

Exhibition baseball begins. It’s a laid back atmosphere where no one pays attention to the game on the field. *Or, as the umps call it, “June”. (Alan Ray) 

Justin Bieber has turned 21. His smashing of a piñata at his party was a lot of fun for him. *It’s the first successful hit he’s had in a while. (Alan Ray)

The Walt Disney Company announced that Disneyland in Anaheim as well as Disney World in Orlando will be raising their ticket prices to ninety-nine dollars a ticket per adult. They consider any kid over the age of ten to be an adult. *And of course, as always, kids with measles get in free. (Argus Hamilton)

The New York Post reported the Kardashian family signed a hundred million dollar deal with E! Entertainment Channel to continue starring in their weekly family TV reality show. It's a reality only by L.A.'s definition of reality. *Lamar Odom smokes crack and he's the most normal person on the show. (Argus Hamilton)

Arnold Schwarzenegger announced in Hollywood he will star in his sixth Terminator movie this year. It's his best-loved role. *In this one he travels back fifteen years in time and kills the person who suggests he run for governor and then he agrees to do his own housecleaning and laundry.  (Argus Hamilton)

Fifty year old Monica Bellucci, the new Bond Girl, will be the oldest 007 playmate ever. In fact, everything about the franchise is getting a little dated. *It remains to be seen whether fans will accept an Aston-Martin with wheelchair access. (Bob Mills)

A study published in the AMA Journal points out that men in Finland who spend at least twice weekly in a sauna heated to 174 degrees live longer than those who don't. Believed due to the fact that men who expose themselves nude to other men seldom let themselves become fat slobs. (Bob Mills)

A 1915 painting by Pablo Picasso was discovered stored in a Manhattan warehouse. It may have great historical value. *It shows Brian Williams' great grandfather, Otto, riding in a WWI tank under fire from the Huns. (Bob Mills)

A woman has been charged with making adult movies on the campus of Oregon State University. *Apparently she thought she could get away with it as no one would probably notice one more Beaver. (Jim Barach)

The National Highway Transportation and Safety Administration is pushing Congress to prohibit used car dealerships from selling vehicles that have an open recall. Dealers say it’s already plainly posted on all their vehicles. *Just look for the big “GM” written anywhere on the car.  (Jim Barach)

A survey says that 14% of all Baby Boomers are being treated for depression. *At least the ones whose kids are now just graduating college and they are getting their first bills for their tuition loan payments.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 3/3/15              
 

A student at Philadelphia University has created a Batman costume that can withstand punches, machetes, and baseball bats. *It's only weakness...it's completely useless against a wedgie attack. (Paul Dudley)

A man was awarded $2.5 million after growing 46DD breasts as a side effect from taking an anti-psychotic drug. *In a related story, Bruce Jenner says he's showing anti-psychotic behavior. (Bill Williams)

William Shatner was unable to attend Leonard Nimoy's funeral. It's not that he didn't want to go. *He's just too fat to fit into the transporter. (Bill Williams)

An upstate New York couple have been married 82 years. *The couple owe their longevity to love, respect, and a toilet seat that closes automatically. (Bill Williams)

A millionaire is planning trip to Mars in 2018. He’s already preparing to for 300-day journey. *He recently booked a flight on Southwest. (Alan Ray)

A South Korea court has nixed a decades-old ban on adultery. Jubilation being heard from various sectors. *Prostitutes give the ruling 2 legs up. (Alan Ray)

The Miami Gardens, Florida police chief was arrested for soliciting a prostitute. Hookers don’t mind cops as clients. *They bring their own handcuffs. (Alan Ray)

Conan O'Brien made history last weekend by taping his talk show in Havana before a cheering and appreciative studio audience. It was no surprise that the crowd went wild for Conan. *If there is one thing that television has taught us over the span of sixty-five years, it's that Cubans love redheads.  (Argus Hamilton)

Alex Rodriguez wrote a letter to New York Yankees fans in which he apologized for the mistakes he made which got him suspended for a year. He gave his word it won't happen again. *If Alex Rodriguez's word were any more worthless, his portrait would be displayed on Greek government bonds.  (Argus Hamilton)

Vladimir Putin warned that a U.S. shipment of arms to Ukraine will be considered as an attack on Russia. The economic sanctions and reprisals are serious enough. *Russia just ordered McDonald's restaurant in Russia to post the calorie count on all menu items and for Cinnabon to post its death toll.  (Argus Hamilton)

Uber says it is developing its own self-driving car. *Just as soon as it can be programmed to recognize drunk passengers it can charge $150 for a three mile fare.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Monday 3/2/15                
 
Police are investigating the theft of a Sprint Cup race car. Driver Travis Kvapil's Team Xtreme Number 44 car was taken from a hotel parking lot in Morrow, Georgia.  Police found the car Saturday morning but do not have anyone in custody.  *Police are pretty certain it’s a guy named Jim Bob…or Bubba Joe…or Billy Bob.  (Paul Dudley)

A new football stadium could be coming to the Los Angeles. To appeal to the So Cal crowd, the views are amazing. *You can text from anywhere in the venue.  (Alan Ray)

“The Lazarus Effect” opened in theaters. A group of med students bring the dead back to life. *The code name for this work is Project Viagra. (Alan Ray)

The latest “Dancing with the Stars” cast was announced last week. Most are novice and have no business on the floor. *Oh wait, the TV was tuned to a Knicks game. (Alan Ray)

A video has gone viral of police lassoing a llama. *But whatever you do, do not Google the phrase “lassoing a llama.” You can’t un-see it.  (Alex Kaseberg)

CBS aired coverage of a commuter train colliding with a truck in Southern California last week in Oxnard. It's epidemic. The National Transportation Safety Board says that a person is hit by a train every three hours in the United States. *We need to find this person, and tell him to stop pressing his luck.  (Argus Hamilton)

King Abdullah formally took the throne of Saudi Arabia and in his first decree he gave his subjects thirty-two billion dollars. Every Saudi subject gets a check for ten thousand dollars. *They won’t be so happy when they find out the check has to be sent directly to their health insurance provider.  (Argus Hamilton)

Keith Olbermann was suspended by ESPN for mocking Penn State students on Twitter over the school's annual marathon dance that raises millions of dollars to battle childhood cancer. This happens everywhere he goes. *Keith Olbermann's been fired more times than a Civil War cannon.  (Argus Hamilton)

A missing 100-year-old Picasso painting was discovered in a NYC warehouse. It's from his cubist period and worth millions. Picasso was the first artist to foresee modern politicians. *Two faced. (Bill Williams)

Cops in Berkeley, CA are not allowed to use tasers, attack dogs, battering rams, or helicopters. *And instead of the Miranda Warning, they're required to read suspects the soliloquy from Hamlet.  (Bob Mills)

Following the example set by Walmart, TJ Maxx and Marshall's will give their employees a raise. *Looks like last year's fashions are okay, but not last year's minimum wage. (Bob Mills)

A study says that airlines could succeed better and make more money if they were nice to their customers. To which the airlines asked “So what is Plan B?”  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Friday 2/27/15              
 
 
It is now legal in Washington D.C. to possess small amounts of marijuana and grow it.  Several members of Congress continue to voice opposition, but DC Mayor Muriel Bowser says they're on firm legal standing.  So now when you hear people say…what these politicians in Washington D.C. smoking?  *Well, now you know.  (Paul Dudley)

Maya Angelou is honored with a forever stamp.  Her legacy will be remembered by those who still mail letters.  *And both of them are excited.  (Alan Ray)

“Maps to the Stars” opens in movie theaters.  A dysfunctional Hollywood family copes with inner demons.  *Or, as the Kardashians call it, a “home movie”.  (Alan Ray)

Thanks to an eye implant, man sees his wife for the first time in ten years. *So touching…until she smacked him for looking at the nurse.  (Alex Kaseberg)

New James Bond movie features the oldest Bond girl ever, 50-year-old Monica Belluci. *She prefers her Metamucil shaken, not stirred.  (Alex Kaseberg)

There are rumors going around that Apple is going to build an electric car. Take my advice, don’t get the mouse option. It’s embarrassing. *It’s faster than the car. (Bill Williams)

A mysterious pack of surveillance drones buzzed major tourist attractions in Paris including the Eiffel Tower and the Sorbonne. Government officials scrambled to find out who staged the invasion. *They didn't even know who to surrender to. (Bob Mills) 

Keith Olberman was suspended from ESPN for insulting Penn State alumns in a Tweet for raising money for a kids' charity. *ESPN feels it's insulting enough admitting that you went to Penn State. (Bob Mills)

The movie “Fifty Shades of Grey” features 20 minutes of sex scenes in the 100 minute movie. *Which apparently was a conscious decision by producers to save money on the film’s wardrobe.  (Jim Barach)

Southwest Airlines had to pull 128 planes out of service for failing to keep up maintenance records on an important hydraulic system. *Part of a device that automatically catapults any Tourist passenger who accidentally wonders into the First Class section. (Bob Mills)

Veterans Administration head Bob McDonald admitted he lied when he told a wounded Special Forces soldier he was also in Special Forces. He was a U.S. paratrooper. *If court-martialed for lying about his military service, McDonald could get four-to-eight weeks as anchor of the NBC Nightly News. (Argus Hamilton) 

President Obama says he refuses to blame religion for the strife in today's world. That's insane. We live in a world where Muslims don't recognize Israel, where Jews don't recognize Jesus, where Protestants don't recognize the Pope and Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.  (Argus Hamilton) 

The Funny Firm - Thursday 2/26/15                
 
The new upcoming James Bond movie features actress Monica Bellucci.  At 50-years-old, she’ll be the oldest Bond girl ever. *Her fight scenes are intense…they all take place in the clearance isle at Chico's. (Mark Wheeler)

Little Caesar's Pizza made news by introducing a giant deep-dish Chicago pizza with everything on it including anchovies, beef, pepperoni and mushrooms. The pizza crust is wrapped in three feet of bacon. *On hearing the news, the American Heart Association gave up and surrendered.  (Argus Hamilton)

Chinese health officials were forced to cancel Chinese New Year fireworks shows in Beijing last week due to the heavy air pollution. That's a sign of how serious it's getting. *You know your pollution is thick when the biggest danger in shooting fireworks in the air is that they might ricochet back at you.  (Argus Hamilton)

Cox Communications has partnered with the Cleveland Health Clinic to provide subscribers with video-enhanced in-home medical treatment. *Just think, soon you'll be able to have your pacemaker put in by your cable installer.  (Bob Mills)

A San Jose Girl Scout arm wrestled a thief who snatched her cookie-selling cash box containing $600 from in front of a supermarket, detaining him until police arrived. *She now qualifies for the coveted Charlie's Angels Merit Badge. (Bob Mills)

American Airlines new Boeing 787s are so large, they can safely carry 250 passengers, a crew of eight, and 400 carry-on bags. *And that's not even counting the six bags of Margarita ice reserved for the pilots.  (Bob Mills)

Patti LaBelle, Suzanne Somers and Rumor Willis are the featured contestants on the upcoming latest installment of “Dancing With The Stars“. . *“Dancing with the Stars” is now “Dancing with “People” Magazine’s “Where Are They Now?”  (Alex Kaseberg)

The “Dancing with the Stars” lineup also includes, Riker Lynch, Redfoo and Robert Herjavec. *Isn't it now “Dancing with People We Have to Google”?  (Alex Kaseberg)

A theater showing the latest Sponge Bob Square Pants movie showed “50 Shades of Grey” by mistake. *The theater tried to pass it off…calling it “Sponge Bob Square Knot.”  (Alex Kaseberg)

A study says late night eating hampers learning and memory. *What’s the first sign of poor dining habits? “Denny’s Always Open”.  (Alan Ray)

“Focus” opens in movie theaters. Two con artists pull the ultimate scam on an unsuspecting public. *They become tele-evangelists. (Alan Ray)

Admission to Disney parks raised to $99. When kids experience the Magic Kingdom, you can see it on their faces. *Or, is that measles?  (Alan Ray)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 2/25/15              
 
 
Cable TV provider Cox Communications is working with the Cleveland Clinic on a new venture that would provide in-home healthcare services such as video consultation and in-home monitoring. *Great, now we’ll have to wait for a doctor to arrive between 9am and 12pm. (Paul Dudley)

American Airlines has pressed into action new 787 aircraft. Amenities are incredible. *It has 250 passengers, 400 spaces for carry-on’s, and 2 flight attendants. (Alan Ray)

A study is looking for ways to stop bleeding in trauma patients. *Although most hospital patients don’t know what bleeding is until they start getting in the steady stream of all their medical bills.  (Jim Barach)

An investigation says that many store brand herbal supplements are filled with fake ingredients. *Namely herbal supplements.  (Jim Barach)

Scientists have identified eight genetic diseases that can lead to schizophrenia. *Researchers say they came to their conclusions because they know those microbes are out to get them.  (Jim Barach)

Singer Smokey Robinson turned 75 recently, he still loves crusin' together...but just in a jazzy scooter. (Mike Pritchett)

Disneyland ups ticket prices to $99 a day. Ironic this because it’s also the name of their latest movie. *99 Shades of Green. (Bill Williams)

Stephen Hawking says the greatest threat to the survival of humanity is aggression. *That, and speed bumps. (Bill Williams)

Videos taken at the scene of that fatal crash on PCH in which BRUCE JENNER rear-ended the driver ahead of him. *With all of his experience, wouldn't you think Bruce would know how to change lanes, too? (Bob Mills)

Prince Harry dating Emma Watson.  He doesn’t know if family will accept her because of her occupation.  *“Sorry Miss, what is ‘occupation’?”  (Alan Ray)

“50 Shades of Grey” is in theaters.  A woman reluctant to get into relationship with older guy.  *At first she doesn’t want to be tied down.  (Alan Ray)

Vanilla Ice was arrested for burglary and grand theft in Palm Beach last week. Twenty five years ago he recorded a lot of songs trying to be the first great white rapper. *During the arrest, he knew he was in trouble when the Florida police didn't want to shoot him until they found out he was Vanilla Ice.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 2/24/15                
 
President Obama is giving fourth graders and their families free admission to national parks for a year. *For most kids, it'll be the first time they are able to relax in the wilderness, sit by a rushing stream, and stare down at their smartphone.  (Paul Dudley)

Spring Training begins.  Veteran pitchers only throw an inning or two before they sit down.  *Or, as it’s called in the Cubs dugout, July.  (Alan Ray)

“Focus” opens in theaters this weekend.  Will Smith is a con artist who discovers ex-lover is an even better schemer.  *She got experience working on Capitol Hill.  (Alan Ray)

“Birdman” was the second lowest grossing best picture Oscar winner. *That’s why the sequel will be named “50 Shades of Birdman.”  (Alex Kaseberg)

Bruce Jenner cut out of next season's "Keeping Up with the Kardashians." *And yet not the most important thing that will be cut out of Bruce.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps is getting married. *Funny enough, her name is Mary Jane. (Bill Williams)

While driving in Montana, the Kardashian sisters hit an icy patch of road and slid off into a ditch. *No one was hurt thank God, and the girls were able to use their butts as flotation devices. (Bill Williams)

An unknown manuscript by the late childrens' author Theodor Geisel called "What Pet Should I Get" will be published by Random House. *No surprise that he recommends tossing your hat into an animal shelter and adopting the first cat that crawls into it.  (Bob Mills)

Cal Poly's Innovation Brew Works is the nation's first craft beer making distillery located on a college campus. *The facility will be run by Professor Samuel Adams and operated by members of Gamma Alpha Coors. (Bob Mills)

At a concert in Mississippi, singer Afroman punched a female fan in the face. *Apparently he was covering a Chris Brown song. (Mike Pritchett)

Eastern Ukraine was secured by pro-Russian rebels before the cease-fire took effect Tuesday. It leaves Russia in control of Eastern Ukraine and the Crimea. *This summer Vladimir Putin will star in a commercial for Russian tourism in which Putin urges you to visit Russia, before Russia visits you.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Academy Awards show aired live Sunday on ABC. The whole town is buzzing about just one movie. *Fifty Shades of Grey earned ninety million dollars over the Presidents Day weekend...and that was just at Ace Hardware. (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Monday 2/23/15              
 
 
Last night the 87th annual Academy Awards were held at the Kodak Theater in Hollywood.  *Kids under 18 years old were heard saying, what the hell is Kodak?  (Paul Dudley)

Spring Training starts for baseball. Teams will practice the squeeze, the sacrifice, and the take. *And that’s just at the ticket window. (Alan Ray)

Rapper Vanilla Ice was arrested in Palm Beach, Florida for burglary. His alibi was like his last CD. *Nobody bought it. (Alan Ray)

Kim Kardashian and Amber Rose are in Twitter feud. The war of words is out of character for both. *Yesterday, one even tweeted a complete sentence. (Alan Ray)

A UN report claim the world can be saved from destruction through veganism. *How many are like me and would rather go with world destruction?  (Alex Kaseberg)

Apple engineers were reported to be developing the Apple electric car to the point of offering Tesla workers huge raises to help build it. They're working on a long range battery. *The Apple car will drive by itself anywhere you tell it to go but it won't stop at any place that has Windows.  (Argus Hamilton)

San Diego Chargers executives confronted city officials about their need for a new stadium this week during tense negotiations in City Hall. The owner is threatening to move the team. *The San Diego Chargers could be in Los Angeles either by next year or year after next, depending on the traffic. (Argus Hamilton)

The Pentagon revealed that U.S. military researchers are hard at work trying to develop a pizza that can last three years and still remain edible. It's been an odd couple of years for the U.S. military. *One year, you are tracking down Osama bin Laden and the next you're trying to outsmart Papa John.  (Argus Hamilton)

Two and a Half Men is over. Originally Charlie Sheen had a say in the title. *His idea: “I’m as Sexy as Two and a Half Men.” (Bill Williams)

All the Oscar winners are aging. Jack Nicholson is so old his dark glasses have joined AARP. *American Association for Retired Peepers. (Bill Williams)

A California woman claims she makes $70,000 a month on Etsy. Simple how she does it. *Her husband spends $70,000 a month on Etsy. (Bill Williams)

A Princeton University graduate donated his $300 million book collection to his alma mater. The collection includes a Gutenberg Bible, Shakespeare's first, second, third and fourth folios, and the complete set of Sports Illustrated swimsuit editions. (Bob Mills)

The Funny Firm - Friday 2/20/15                
 
The NFL Scouting Combine got underway in Indianapolis this week. The event gives all 32 clubs a look at the top college players available in this year's draft as they go through workouts. *The NFL combine was packed with defensive ends, defensive backs, and defense attorneys.  (Mark Wheeler)

Mattel is launching a new marketing campaign to rebuild the Barbie brand.  The new look reflects today’s world.  *Her accessory handbags cost $500. (Alan Ray)

New Kids on Block touring again.  You can tell guys have aged.  *They still sing about “right stuff”, but now they’re referring to Rogaine.  (Alan Ray)

The District of Columbia was pounded by a winter storm.  You can tell when it’s icy in Washington.  *Congressmen finally stick to something.  (Alan Ray)

Wednesday was National Drink Wine Day. *Or as Kathy Lee Gifford and Hoda call it: Wednesday.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Washington Monument is ten inches shorter than thought. *“Honestly, this has never happened before,” said an embarrassed Washington Monument.  (Alex Kaseberg)

The Oscars on Sunday will no doubt have its usual share of back patting. *The winners will pat themselves on the back for their performances while the dress designers pat themselves on the back for their lack of fronts.  (Bob Mills)

President Obama issued a presidential order removing restrictions on imports from Cuba now that relations have relaxed. *Exemptions include drugs, firearms and pitchers with less than a 2.5 earned run average.  (Bob Mills)

A woman on an Alaska Airlines flight to Oregon from LAX bitten by a scorpion while the plane taxied. *She declined treatment, but told reporters she resented the $35 "Insect Carry-on" fee.  (Bob Mills)

Fifty Shades of Grey on Sunday broke the February opening weekend box office record that was set eleven years ago by The Passion of the Christ. Fifty Shades of Grey just topped Passion of the Christ. *It's so sweet when February rolls around and the movie-going public's fancy turns to torture porn.  (Argus Hamilton)

Washington state officials announced they have a surplus in legal marijuana grown in the past year. Growers overproduced in the first year of legalization. *Washington state has more pot than they can smoke, which finally explains why Pete Carroll called for a pass play on the Patriots one-yard line.  (Argus Hamilton)

NBC's Saturday Night Live celebrated its fortieth anniversary by saluting its founding geniuses Richard Pryor, John Belushi, Dan Ackroyd and Chevy Chase. The partying on that show was nonstop. *NBC studio in New York was the only theater in the world where the nosebleed seats were onstage.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 2/19/15              
 
 
A female beagle named Miss P beat out more than 27-hundred competitors to be awarded Best In Show at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog show.  The show was broadcast live on the USA Network. *Finally a TV show featuring a bitch that wasn’t called The Real Housewives.  (Paul Dudley)

The District of Columbia was pounded by a winter storm.  You can tell when it’s icy in Washington.  *Congressmen finally stick to something.  (Alan Ray)

Lady Gaga is engaged to actor Taylor Kinney.  She’s already picked out her wedding dress.  *The bride will wear all white meat.  (Alan Ray)

Major League Baseball spring training begins next week.  Alex Rodriquez will show up a few pounds lighter.  *He’ll leave his medicine bag with his cousin.  (Alan Ray)

Kanye West’s ex, Amber Rose, tweeted that Kim Kardashian is a whore.  “That’s offensive. *You take that back”…said whores.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Bruce Jenner was photographed talking on a cell while driving a Ford Fiesta in Thousand Oaks California Tuesday three days after his SUV crash. It made locals sick. *Transitioning from man to woman is one thing, but going from an Escalade to a Ford Fiesta in three days is more than people in L.A. can stomach. (Argus Hamilton)

Green Bay Packer Letroy Guion was arrested with a large supply of marijuana and a pistol and two hundred grand in cash last week the same day Hall of Fame lineman Warren Sapp was arrested for assault and soliciting hookers. All signs are clear as a bell. *The NFL off-season has officially begun. (Argus Hamilton)

NBC News was swamped by more evidence of NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams wildly exaggerating his role in news stories he's witnessed or in war stories he's covered. Hopefully his problem's treatable. *Yesterday he said he still suffers nightmares about the night he saved Private Ryan.  (Argus Hamilton)

The success of "50 Shades of Gray" has radically changed the film business. *Starlets all over Hollywood are asking their personal trainers to make them double-jointed. (Bob Mills)

SNL is 40 years old. The show had a profound influence not only on comedy but the whole country. *Just think, when it began, the SNL writers room smelled like the entire state of Colorado smells today. (Bob Mills)

A poll says that 77% of Millennials can’t name one Senator from their home state. *What’s worse is the other 23% can’t name their state.  (Jim Barach)

A survey says that construction workers are the happiest with their jobs. *You can always hear them whistle while they work, especially if you are a good looking woman.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 2/18/15                
 
Organizers for a proposed one-way trip Mars have revealed the mission's top candidates. The 100 finalists were selected from more than 200-thousand applicants.  Mars One is a not-for-profit organization hoping to establish a human colony on Mars by 2025.  *Unfortunately none of the Kardashians are on the list.  (Paul Dudley)

“Fifty Shades of Grey” toped the box office over the weekend.  A rich guy practices sadomasochism in the bedroom.  *He forces his lover to watch The Bachelor.  (Alan Ray)

The Oscars are this Sunday.  Whiplash depicts a tyrannical music teacher who only sees two types of performers.  *The haves and the Justin Biebers.  (Alan Ray)

Expedia will buy Orbitz for $1.34 billion.  It originally cost $1 billion.  *But the buyers opted for the trip cancellation insurance.  (Alan Ray)

Researchers say Washington Monument is ten inches shorter than previously thought. *You know the winter has been rough when a monument suffers from shrinkage.  (Alex Kaseberg)

NBC suspended Brian Williams as anchor of the NBC Nightly News for six months without pay for making up Iraq war coverage stories. He says it isn't his fault he misremembered the events in Iraq. *He thinks the hits he took during his fifteen-year NFL career have affected his memory. (Argus Hamilton) 

The Jackie Robinson Little League team in South Chicago was stripped of its U.S. championship title on. It was found they played ringers from outside their district and cheated to win. *When the kids graduate high school, they'll begin college with six credits toward a degree in Chicago Studies. (Argus Hamilton)

House of Cards starring Kevin Spacey as President Frank Underwood premieres its third season on Netflix this weekend. It reveals the world of politics as a life of double-crossing, manipulation, lying, blackmail, and access granted for sexual favors and cash. *There's also a negative side to politics. (Argus Hamilton)

In a solemn ceremony in St. Peter's Basilica in Rome, Pope Francis welcomed twenty newly minted cardinals, urging them to "set aside pride, jealousy and self-interest." *Private function, no wives or girlfriends.  (Bob Mills)

Paleontologists examining the skull of King Richard III have determined that he died during the War of the Roses from a weapon "thrust into his head from the base of his neck." *This was confirmed by the crumpled "Game of Thrones" script found nearby. (Bob Mills)

NFL Films founder Ed Sobol has died at age 98. When he first put NFL players on film, the results were called action shots. *Today the police do it and they're called mug shots.  (Bob Mills)

The IRS commissioner says the agency is running the same technology it used in 1963. *They use even older methods than that for audits when they pull out the Iron Maiden, rack and thumbscrews.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 2/17/15              
 
 
Twenty-year-old Benjamin Miller an American from Georgia is in the hospital with injuries after he was gored at a bullfighting festival in Spain. He had been participating in the Carnival of the Bull where people flee from charging bulls by jumping into the Mediterranean Sea.  *Let this be a lesson…Normally people avoid charging bulls by not running with charging bulls.  (Paul Dudley)

Ruth Bader Ginsburg admits “not being 100% sober” during the recent State of Union speech. She still paid attention the President up there.  *“Both of them.”  (Alan Ray)

“Hot Tub Time Machine 2” opens Friday.  Producers say it’s not a tired rehash of the first movie.  *That will be “Hot Tub Time Machine 3”.  (Alan Ray)

A man in England on trial for having sex with a Shetland Pony. *They're going to make a movie about it: "50 Shades of Neigh."  (Alex Kaseberg)

The marketing campaign for "Fifty Shades of Gray" is being singled out as one of the most effective in Hollywood history. *In particular the decision to print anatomical diagrams on the back of each ticket.  (Bob Mills)

Costco has fired American Express and will replace the company with MasterCard next year. *What caused the rift was MasterCard’s refusal to pass out store samples of cash.  (Bob Mills)

Tiger Woods announced he'll take a leave of absence from the PGA Tour to "find his swing." Here's an idea. *Why not wait until Thanksgiving and watch how Lindsay Vonn swings his nine iron.  (Bob Mills)

Time magazine says that Michelle Obama's healthy eating and exercise program was not lowering child obesity rates. Nutritionists say kids are eating too much pizza. *To give you an idea of how bad it is, the menu at Chuck E. Cheese Pizza now lists its sixteen ounce pizza as Individual Sized. (Argus Hamilton)

Fifty Shades of Grey opened and theaters were packed with female fans of the best selling novel centered around bedroom bondage. It's all about a rich young man and a college graduate he hires to be his lover. *By far the most outlandish fantasy scene is where the girl gets a job straight out of college. (Argus Hamilton)

President's Day is the holiday traditionally set aside by Americans to honor the life and birthday of George Washington. At his Virginia plantation, he raised tobacco, distilled whiskey, brewed beer and grew hemp. *He was recognized by young people throughout the Colonies as the Father of Spring Break.  (Argus Hamilton)

Microsoft’s CEO says that pens will be extinct in the next decade. *To which everyone under 30 is asking “What’s a pen?”  (Jim Barach)

Apple is reportedly testing cars with roof top cameras. *They are either rumored to be self-driving prototypes or specially ordered vehicles for the Kardashian women that help them take selfies while they are driving.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Monday 2/16/15                
 
A new report says that last year Colorado collected $44 million in marijuana taxes.  The money will be spent on schools.  *So Colorado students should prepare to be knee deep in Frisbies and Hacky Sacks.  (Paul Dudley)

50 Shades of Grey out in theaters.  It’s the story of a successful, but lonely guy at end of his rope.  *No wait, he has more in the bedroom.  (Alan Ray)

Valentine’s Day was Saturday.  What does Kanye West say to his one true love on this very special occasion?  *“Mirror, mirror on the wall…”  (Alan Ray)

Washington State’s pot industry has a surplus. Some blame promoters. *Every time they try to pitch product, they can’t stop giggling.  (Alan Ray)

A Florida couple passed out in a dumpster and had to be rescued when dumped in a garbage truck. *Or, as that is also known: a Florida Hayride.  (Alex Kaseberg)

England has made it legal for a baby to have the DNA of three parents. *And you thought Father’s Day was confusing in the NBA?  (Alex Kaseberg)

Oregon Governor John Kitzhaber resigns office after scandal. He was caught breaking Portland’s most import law: “Keep Portland Weird.”  *He said he was weird, but was then seen wearing matching black socks and shoes. (Bill Williams)

Saturday was Valentine’s Day. It was so sweet. Bruce Jenner asked himself to be his Valentine. *Alas, he said no. (Bill Williams)

A Korean Air jetliner collided with another plane on the ground at Yangon International Airport but went ahead and took off anyway. *Korean Airline requires nuts served on a plate, but this pilot obviously had his right in the bag. (Bill Williams)

The International Association of Cruise Lines predicts that a million more people will take a cruise this year than cruised in 2014. *Estimates are based on more convenient online booking, lower prices and the availability of inoculations for the novo virus, e-coli, and salmonella. (Bob Mills)

Jon Stewart announced he's leaving The Daily Show, setting off speculation that the comic might replace Brian Williams as the NBC News anchor. Nobody saw this coming. *A month ago, you would have said before that happens, Charles Manson will call of his wedding because his fiancee is too weird. (Argus Hamilton)

Variety released a projection predicting that American Sniper could top three hundred and fifty million in ticket sales by President's Day. The movie is a phenomenon. *More and more it looks like Brian Williams' biggest mistake with his Iraq story was not getting Clint Eastwood to direct it.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Friday 2/13/15              
 
 
People in the Northeast are so sick of snow, they're ready to arrest the messenger.  Police in Merrimack, New Hampshire issued a bogus arrest warrant on Facebook for Punxsutawney Phil, the famous groundhog who last week predicted six more weeks of winter.  *An arrest warrant for Punxsutawney Phil?...I had no idea he played in the NFL.  (Paul Dudley)

The NBA All Star Game is Sunday.  The FanFest features replicas of 2 courts used by the players.  One is parquet.  *The other is family.  (Alan Ray)

Valentine’s Day is Saturday.  Just simple card given by your spouse really says a lot.  *Like, “I’m too damn cheap to buy you a gift.”  (Alan Ray)

Scientists say cockroaches have personality types.  Researchers made discovery by accident.  *They were having lunch at a Dell Taco.  (Alan Ray)

The movie “50 Shades of Grey” opens this weekend. *Or as guys call it: foreplay.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Tiger Woods announced he is going to take a leave of absence. Oh no, did he lie about getting shot at in Iraq too?  (Alex Kaseberg)

The Akron Rubber Ducks minor league baseball team is hosting a "Brian Williams Liar, Liar Pants on Fire" night. *Better than "Bill Cosby Dope and Grope."  (Alex Kaseberg)

Charles Manson broke off his engagement to his L.A. fiancée after learning she planned to claim his body when he dies, display it in a glass case and sell the public tickets to see it. You couldn't make it up. *What does it say about L.A. women when Charles Manson is the voice of reason in the relationship.  (Argus Hamilton)

Bostonians began digging out of their record third blizzard in one week Tuesday. The bad news is, many people in Massachusetts had to go four days with no electricity and no television. *The good news is, they got to generate their own sexual situations, graphic language, partial nudity and violence.  (Argus Hamilton)

German Chancellor Angela Merkel urged a peaceful solution to the fighting in Ukraine without use of NATO arms or troops. Germany's troops are not allowed outside of Germany for the same reason you don't send Robert Downey Jr. to get the beer. *As well as they've been doing, it's still too soon.  (Argus Hamilton)

The broadcast following Brian William's "mistake" apology cost NBC a half million viewers as 440,000 former fans defected to ABC News. *Or as Brian would have described them "440,000 bodies floating away from 40 Rock."  (Bob Mills)

A rival to Instagram says it may pay photographers for their pictures. *The only question is should they really be encouraging people to snap even more selfies for the Internet?  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 2/12/15                
 
Reports are now out that at the Grammy’s on Sunday night, audience members reported smelling a lot of marijuana in the audience.  *The audience was so stoned, they awarded Snoop Dogg went home with a Grammy and he wasn't even nominated.  (Paul Dudley)

Scientists say cockroaches have personality types.  Researchers made discovery by accident.  *They were having lunch at a Del Taco.  (Alan Ray)

Ed Sabol, founder of NFL Films, has died at 98.  His works often showed the violent nature of football.  *And those were just the bail hearings.  (Alan Ray)

“50 Shades of Grey” opens in theaters.  *In one of the more sadomasochistic scenes, Christian makes Anastasia watch a Michael Bay movie.  (Alan Ray)

Saturday Night Live's fortieth anniversary show Sunday will have clips of George Carlin, Chris Farley, John Belushi, Chevy Chase and Richard Pryor. What a roster. These comics had such a huge influence on young people they named sandwiches named after them in the Betty Ford Center cafeteria. (Argus Hamilton)

The Academy Awards will air live on ABC from the Dolby Theater in Hollywood Sunday. There's one thing that never changes year after year. *Watch how the Oscar winners during their acceptance speeches always look up to the rafters and thank God, as if God couldn't get better seats. (Argus Hamilton)

Cleveland Browns quarterback Johnny Manziel checked himself into a rehab. He'd hit bottom before the Browns' last game when he missed a practice because he was passed out drunk on his apartment floor. *What's worse, when he woke up, Bill Cosby was standing over him in his bathrobe.  (Argus Hamilton)

If 80-year-old mass murderer, Charles Manson and is 26-year-old bride can't make it...*What chance to the rest of us have?  (Alex Kaseberg)

Cadillac is eliminating the driver's blind spot. *On the rapper's Escalade model, the mirror says "Suge Knight appears larger than he actually is."  (Bob Mills)

Brian Williams may not be back as the NBC nightly news anchor, but he won't be unemployed for long. *He's been hired by the Executive Training Program at Burger King, home of the Whopper.  (Bob Mills)

Staples has announced that it will purchase Office Depot for $6 billion. *It could have been $10 billion, but the negotiator from Staples couldn't find anyone to wait on him.  (Bob Mills)

Glu Mobile is crediting the game they created with Kim Kardashian for an increase in their profits. *Which means her bottom line ended up helping theirs.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 2/11/15              
 
 
According to the a National Retail Federation Spending Survey, the average person will spend 142-dollars on flowers, candy, and more for their sweetie on Valentines Day. And don't forget, Valentine's Day is this Saturday, February 14th.  *More importantly for the guys, 7-11 is open late when you forget.  (Paul Dudley)

The NBA All Star game is Sunday in New York City. The Fanfest next door features a virtual reality court. *Kids can pretend they’re missing free throws. (Alan Ray)

Boston is buried in another snow storm. The streets aren’t very navigable. *There is less traction than a Tom Brady press conference. (Alan Ray)

Rosie O’Donnell is leaving “The View”. It’s for personal reasons. *She wants to spend more time having petty arguments with her family. (Alan Ray)

There is a porn version of “American Idol,” where contestants try out to be in adult films. *It’s called: “Why didn’t I think of that when I was single?”  (Alex Kaseberg)

Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston emerged as the likely top NFL draft pick this year in a poll of ESPN draft experts. His college career was dogged by charges of sexual assault, shoplifting and obscenity. *Jameis Winston says he's innocent, and Roger Goodell says that's good enough for him.  (Argus Hamilton)

Ukraine's leaders met with French and German leaders to try to obtain aid from the European Union. To try to attract tourist dollars, Ukraine just opened up its nuclear disaster site at Chernobyl and turned it into an amusement park. They say it's just like Disneyland except the six-foot mouse is real.  (Argus Hamilton)

Researchers say they have found 637 types of bacteria living in the New York City subway system. *The heaviest concentration was in the Bronx, especially the ones that when observed under a microscope said “What are you looking at?”  (Jim Barach)

San Jose, California is offering free dinner and a movie in exchange for ideas on people’s favorite places to go. Which is pretty much anywhere that offers free dinner and a movie.  (Jim Barach)

"Sponge Out of Water" is Bob's second feature film that hit theaters this weekend. in it, Bob and his pals must defeat evil crabs threatening to take over the world. *But they're not the kind of crabs featured at the Red Lobster. (Bob Mills) 

A sequel to Harper Lee's "Kill a Mockingbird" is discovered. It has a more high tech feel. *It's called "To Kill Angry Mockingbirds."  (Bob Mills)

Facebook is developing a newspaper for its users. No restaurant column, though, just pictures of good looking meals users send in.  (Bob Mills)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 2/10/15                
 
Girl Scout Cookie season has started across the U.S.  The cookie sales run until March. *Except in Colorado where cookie season is now a year long celebration  (Paul Dudley)

‘Fifty Shades of Grey” hit the theaters this weekend.  The director originally told the actors it was a comedy of sorts.  *“There will be a lot of gags.”  (Alan Ray)

In Florida, a woman delivered a 14 pound baby. *Or as Brian Williams called it: a twenty pound baby.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Next month, “Comedy Central” is going to host “The Roast of Justin Bieber.” *Technically, isn’t this known as a wienie roast? (Alex Kaseberg)

Radio Shack is closing. *Now how am I supposed to find out where to get that thing Radio Shack never has?  (Alex Kaseberg)

Brian Williams is in  hot water. And he should be. *I've said it a billion times: do not exaggerate.  (Alex Kaseberg)

An Oregon judge has ruled taking photos up a girl's skirt is not illegal. *In a related story, Kim Kardashian applies for Oregon citizenship. (Bill Williams)

Coca-Cola debuts Fairlife, milk which contains less sugar more protein aimed at health nuts they hope will not balk paying twice the price of regular milk. *It's guaranteed to come from cows who graze while on a treadmill. (Bob Mills)

Government officials in Berlin were shocked when the Finance Minister from Greece arrived at a high level meeting seeking debt forgiveness for the cash strapped Greek government. That's nothing. *They used to show up at the Olympics with no clothes at all.  (Bob Mills)

Diners at Sunday's Grammy Awards will be served Vietnamese hand rolls with miniature carrots, tuna BLTs, wrapped Jumbo Prawns and Grammy cookies. According to tradition, some nominees had a choice between humble pie, sour apples or crow. (Bob Mills)

Harper Lee will release her second book, Go Set a Watchman, this spring--fifty-five years after she wrote her first book, To Kill a Mockingbird. It's set in the same Alabama town twenty years later. *The editors made just one change in the book, to make sure it's a huge best seller, they've added a sniper. (Argus Hamilton)

Lance Armstrong struck two parked cars with his SUV while drinking in Aspen two years ago. He then convinced his girlfriend to switch seats with him and say that she was driving the SUV. *The police began to get suspicious when the girlfriend tested positive for a new house. (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Monday 2/9/15              
 
 
Researchers spent 18 months swabbing turnstiles, railings, and benches in the New York City subway system and found more than 15-thousand different types of microorganisms.  Among the bacteria found are those that cause dysentery, meningitis, and bubonic plague. *Most people are shocked…who knew a New York City subway was so clean.  (Mark Wheeler)

Scientists are working on a smartphone attachment that would test for STD’s. *It has a marketable name...i-Itch.  (Alan Ray)

Staples has acquired Office Depot in a $6 billion deal. All locations will soon have that familiar store icon. *One open checkout line. 

50 Shades of Grey” the movie opens Feb 13. It’s the story of single man who doesn’t like to be tied down. *Oh wait a minute, yes he does.

Disney’s next movie in the Frozen saga will be, “Frigid.” *The story of Hillary Clinton’s rise to power. (Bill Williams)

Bruce Jenner is having a little trouble transitioning into a woman. *He tried on pantyhose for the first time and couldn’t tell the front from the Kardashian. (Bill Williams)

Seattle Seahawks Richard Sherman’s girlfriend had a baby boy. *It was the first baby in medical history to come out trash talking.  (Alex Kaseberg)

You can forget where you parked the car. You can forget a password. *You can't forget if you weren't shot down in a helicopter in Iraq. (Alex Kaseberg)

Last week Radio Shack filed for bankruptcy. *They filed via a Xeroxed facsimile that listed their attorney’s beeper numbers.  (Alex Kaseberg)

A study says that antipsychotic drugs prompt a zombie-like state among patients. In other words, they are the medical equivalent of a PlayStation.  (Jim Barach)

ABC’s Diane Sawyer landed the first TV interview with Bruce Jenner after the Olympic decathlon gold medalist decided to become a woman. Now you can't get into Supercuts. *Men who've had long hair since the Beatles arrived are getting their hair cut short so no one will think they are transitioning. (Argus Hamilton)

Longevity magazine published diet, exercise and lifestyle tips to help readers reach a very old age one day. This week the world's oldest woman celebrated her one hundred and sixteenth birthday. *It was one of those rare times when Americans joined in one voice to wish Bruce Jenner a happy birthday.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Friday 2/6/15                
 
The CDC announced that there are currently 102 measles cases in the U.S., many of which can be traced back to Disneyland.  Many people are now avoiding Disneyland, and it’s clearly hurting their  bottom line. *They say until this goes away, they no longer have a license to print money.  (Paul Dudley)

Valentine’s Day approaches. *Kim Kardashian will spend the evening with the one she loves most. Kim Kardashian. (Alan Ray)

Strippers in Oregon have hired a lobbyist. Public opinion research is not part of the deal. *They usually do their own polling.  (Alan Ray)

Bruce Jenner to document "Journey."  *In basketball terms, the journey is from playing for Ball State to going to the Clippers.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Taco Bell has an app that lets you order from your cell phone. *It's called the "Dude, I'm too stoned to talk" app.  (Alex Kaseberg)

The Woman on the Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover, Hannah Davis, is Derek Jeter's girlfriend. *"Give us your retirement gifts back," said all of baseball.  (Alex Kaseberg)

The American Society of Plastic Surgeons reported a record number of procedures in America last year. *The competition is fierce. Actress Melissa Gilbert announced she had her breast implants removed, but it's not true she hired the Patriots equipment manager to perform the procedure. (Argus Hamilton) 

Oregon strippers banded together and hired a lobbyist firm to lobby the legislature. The firm is tasked with convincing lawmakers to get the strippers better working conditions. *When asked how they could lower themselves to work with such sleazy people, the strippers said it just goes with the territory.  (Argus Hamilton) 

Phoenix police arrested NFL Network analyst and Hall of Fame lineman Warren Sapp Monday for soliciting prostitutes and assault. Sapp and the prostitutes agreed on the price and then afterwards he refused to pay the agreed-on amount. *If convicted he could get two-to-five years in the Secret Service.  (Argus Hamilton) 

A nun who complained of stomach pains shocked her fellow sisters when she gave birth to a baby boy.  She claims she had no idea she was pregnant. *Someone got into the habit and now she’s a mother superior.  (Ian Searle)

A study says that marijuana smokers have less inflammation than people who have never smoked. Although most pot smokers think inflammation is the act of lighting up your bong.  (Jim Barach)

A study says that Ibuprofen may improve a person’s longevity. Although probably so will giving up whatever activity makes them need to constantly take Ibuprofen in the first place.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 2/5/15              
 
 
Some customers are paying with love rather than cash at McDonald's restaurants. The fast food chain's new "pay with lovin'" promotion will randomly select customers to pay for meals by either calling a loved one or even dancing, rather than using cash. *Pay with lovin’ is all well and good until your spouse finds out.  (Paul Dudley)

OSHA fined Ashley Furniture for violating safety rules. The penalty has had immediate impact. *Management has canceled No Hard Hat Fridays. (Alan Ray)

A new SpongeBob movie opens in theaters. The film is in 3D. *No wait, that’s a 4 year old throwing something at the screen. (Alan Ray)

Winter weather hampers much of the nation. Talk about frigid. *New Yorkers haven’t seen cold like this since the last Knicks shoot around. (Alan Ray)

Ten million people watched the Puppy Bowl. *It was a great game until the last seconds when the Labrador coach pooped on the field. (Alex Kaseberg)

After 55 years, Harper Lee, has written a sequel to “To Kill a Mockingbird.” *It’s called; “The Mockingbirds Strike Back.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Study shows more teens are abandoning Facebook. *Especially in West Virginia where they’re tired of getting poked by their cousins. (Alex Kaseberg)

The U.S. Senate passed a bill authorizing the Keystone pipeline, setting the stage for an Obama veto. The Congress and the president agree on little. *The last two years of the Obama administration could feature more vetos than an emergency meeting of the Five Families of New York.  (Argus Hamilton)

Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg began polling groups to determine what stories go on News Feed daily. He wants to make a newspaper for FB users along with personal posts, photos and videos. *More than anybody, Mark Zuckerberg has revolutionized the way we avoid doing work in this country. (Argus Hamilton)

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady won the Super Bowl MVP Award after Sunday's victory. It brought tears to millions of eyes. *Americans love it when a super-good-looking, insanely wealthy white guy married to a super-model can overcome the odds and make a success of himself.  (Argus Hamilton)

Tiger's 12 over par finish in the Phoenix Open was a career worst. Remember when he chased Jack Nicklaus's records? *Now he's struggling to beat John Daly's. (Bob Mills)

Engineers at Cadillac have used technology to virtually eliminate the car’s blind spot. *Although the biggest blind spot in most Cadillacs has to do with the field of vision of the 80 year old who is sitting behind the wheel.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 2/4/15               Funnyfirm 
 
Everyone is still talking about the Super Bowl. The big story is un-drafted rookie Malcolm Butler, who made the game-winning interception for the New England Patriots. *He can look forward to a nice pay raise and a Campbell’s Soup commercial to be named later.  (Mark Wheeler)

The Grammy awards will be given out Sunday. Lot of predictions are being tossed about. Drake, best rap performance. *Suge Knight, longest rap sheet. (Alan Ray)

“Seventh Son” opens. Julianne Moore is a witch who unleashes her wrath upon the world. *She has 3 daughters named Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney. (Alan Ray)

A parade takes place in Boston for the Patriots today. Why don’t they use a layout suggested by Bill Belichick?  *He always takes the most crooked route. (Alan Ray)

Tom Brady is going to give his MVP Chevy truck to the guy who won the game for the Patriots. *So enjoy that truck…Pete Carroll. (Alex Kaseberg)

President Obama's nominee for Attorney General Loretta Lynch told her Senate confirmation hearing she thinks that marijuana is more dangerous than alcohol. The facts say otherwise. *The murder rate in Colorado is so low because anybody you shoot must be within range of your couch. (Argus Hamilton)

Bruce Jenner’s transition into a woman is going really well. *So well in fact, Bill Cosby invited him over for coffee. (Bill Williams) 

McDonald's is selling its Big Mac Special Sauce for $20,000 a bottle on Ebay. *It’s part of “McDonald’s Redistribution of Obesity” plan. (Bill Williams)

Cadillac will offer their CT6 sedan aimed at successful rappers. *It features bullet proof glass and a GPS controlled Suge Knight warning system. (Bob Mills)

For the first time, the city of Brentwood, California conducted a census of their homeless population. *Canvassers reported that most were found sleeping in their Bentleys.  (Bob Mills)

Rap mogul Suge Knight was charged with murder in an L.A. hit-and-run last week. Last fall he was shot six times at a VMA rap music awards party. The party must have been in honor of Stevie Wonder and Beethoven because when the cops came, nobody heard anything and nobody saw anything.  (Argus Hamilton)

NBC drew a hundred million viewers to the Super Bowl Sunday with the specter of Deflate-gate hanging over the game. The scandal is just starting. *L.A. attorney Gloria Allred just dropped all her lawsuits against Bill Cosby and is now representing the eleven balls that Tom Brady allegedly squeezed.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 2/3/15              
 
 
Cheetos are about to take a leap to the sweeter side. A new sugar puff snack called Cheetos Sweetos will be hitting the shelves in late February. The new snacks will be available for limited-time only. *And by a limited time, they mean as long as marijuana remains legal in a few states. (Paul Dudley)

It was so cold in New York Monday...*people were shaking like Pete Carroll at a Seattle coffee shop. (Alex Kaseberg)

That was the most shocking Super Bowl ever. *The only way a lion gets in a Super Bowl is if Katy Perry is riding it.  (Alex Kaseberg)

A Chinese man who had his penis cut off twice by his wife has been offered a role in an adult movie. *It's called; "Dude, Who Cares Where My Car is?". (Alex Kaseberg)

Shake Shack now on New York Stock Exchange. Shares have risen dramatically in just a few days time. *No wait, that’s customer cholesterol.  (Alan Ray)

Suge Knight has been charged in a deadly hit and run. He may discover prison is different than the hip hop world. *Your bling has a key. (Alan Ray)

The Grammy Awards will be handed out February 8th. Who’s the best new female performer getting all the buzz in Los Angeles these days? *Bruce Jenner.  (Alan Ray)

Mitt Romney has bowed out of the 2016 presidential race. Instead he plans to take long vacation with his family. *The dog immediately went into hiding. (Bob Mills)

Bruce Jenner was the talk of Hollywood when he went public with his transgender nature. The former Olympic men's decathlon winner is going to live the rest of his life as a woman. *For some reason, all of the great athletes believe they have to deflate their balls to get to the Super Bowl. (Argus Hamilton) 

NBC sold out all its Super Bowl advertising time a rate of nine million dollars per minute. The game has become a national feast day. *An estimated one hundred and twenty million Americans tuned in to watch the Super Bowl, or as Hollywood calls it, the Oscars for straight people. (Argus Hamilton)

Justin Bieber went on the Ellen Degeneres Show to apologize for his long pattern of wild behavior. He's been arrested for DUI, malicious mischief, drag racing and assaulting his limo driver. *It was just a year ago that Justin Bieber retired from music to focus on building up his criminal record.  (Argus Hamilton)

The British Army to start fighting the war on terror using social media. *They will start by firing off fifty rounds of rapid tweets, then unfriend ISIS on Facebook, adding an unhappyface. (Ian Searle)


The Funny Firm - Monday 2/2/15                
 
On eBay, a group of four Super Bowl tickets was selling for $51,000. *Ironically, anyone who could actually afford to pay that much for tickets was probably already playing in the Super Bowl.  (Paul Dudley)

I prefer puppies to super models in Super Bowl commercials. *At least I have a chance of holding a puppy in the future.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Justin Bieber made a surprise appearance on the Ellen show last week. *Wow, so they really aren’t the same person after all.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Bruce Jenner is producing his own TV docu-series. Many on his crew put in 15-20 hour days. *And those are just his plastic surgeons. (Alan Ray) 

The Loft in theaters. 5 married guys share penthouse for affairs. *It’s gotten critical acclaim from some circles. Mostly divorce lawyers. (Alan Ray)

Colorado hospitals reported an alarming increase in the number of cases of respiratory illnesses diagnosed in Coloradans this year. *The treatment is obvious. In order to clear up lung congestion, Colorado doctors are advising all sufferers to switch from recreational marijuana to medical marijuana. (Argus Hamilton)

The State Department asked Disney to deploy the characters in Frozen to indoctrinate kids about global warming. *That's crazy. Walt Disney, who fought environmentalists for years to get Disneyworld built, would roll over in his grave at the suggestion, except he too is frozen.  (Argus Hamilton)

Google's new instant translator promises to change tourism forever. *For instance, if you yell "Taxi!" in English, a Paris cabby will respond with an obscenity in French.  (Bob Mills)

A new Facebook app claims to prove their ads work. *If someone buys your product, you get a message that says they "friended" it.  (Bob Mills)

American Airline's 2014 profits soared 115% over the previous year. *Looks like "Doin' What We Do Best" turned out to be making a bundle off of us.  (Bob Mills)

The European Court of Justice has ruled that obesity can be considered a disability. *It is only right that the decision came in Europe, as the cause of most of the obesity in the U.S. is those fries from France.  (Jim Bararch)

The IRS is warning that budget cutbacks could result in a delay in refunds. *But just try to use the same excuse when you file your return two minutes after midnight on April 16th.  (Jim Bararch)

The Funny Firm - Friday 1/30/15              
 
 
A survey of cosmetic plastic surgeons shows, women continue to dominate the market for plastic surgery, making up 82 percent of all procedures done in 2014.  *All the rest were done on Bruce Jenner.  (Paul Dudley)

NFL told Seahawk’s, Lynch, his team will be penalized if he grabs his crotch after a touchdown. *So the NFL crisis over balls continues. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Super Bowl is to real football fans…*what New Years Eve is to real drinkers. (Alex Kaseberg)

We've all learned a lot from the Patriot's deflation gate. *Namely, no guy can resist making, or laughing at, ball jokes. (Alex Kaseberg)

Super Bowl is Sunday. The over/under for this game is 13. Seahawk footballs will be over 13 psi. *Patriot footballs will be under 13 psi. (Alan Ray)

The Northeast is digging out from the snowstorm. People slipping, sliding, falling on their butts. *The landscape looks like a Knicks practice.  (Alan Ray)

Super Bowl is Sunday in Phoenix. Defenders know it’s impossible to get a ball out of Marshawn Lynch’s hand. But enough about his crotch.  (Alan Ray)

The Super Bowl will be played at the University of Phoenix Stadium Sunday. The die-hard fans will be there. Super Bowl fans are people who pay five thousand bucks for a ticket, a hundred bucks for parking and ten dollars for a stadium beer, and then cry foul if they think the footballs are inflated.  (Argus Hamilton)

Kentucky Fried Chicken has introduced the Double Down Dog. It's an all-beef hot dog covered in melted cheese and wrapped in fried chicken shaped like a bun. *Health experts and nutritionists say the Double Down Breakfast Dog is perfect for people who like to start their day stoned.  (Argus Hamilton)

McDonalds will attempt to stem their profit slide by cutting new hires and limiting new start ups. There are also plans to rent out their extra French fry warmers as tanning beds.  (Bob Mills)

Snooki has become an ordained minister. It cost $29.99 on the internet. *About the same as her breast implants. (Bill Williams)

Northeast hit with killer snowstorm, but it melted fast in New York City. *You can salt the roads, but urine in the subway works best. (Bill Williams)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 1/29/15                
 
A new "USA Today" analysis shows Apple currently has a cool 178-billion in cash and investments.  The company technically has enough money right now to pay every person in the United States 556-dollars each.   *Or as they call it at the iPhone factory in China...a year's pay. (Paul Dudley)

The Super Bowl between the Seattle Seahawks and New England Patriots is rated a tossup by Las Vegas bookies. According to a new survey, one out of four Americans believe that God plays a role in determining who'll win a sporting event. *The rest of them will be betting on the Patriots. (Argus Hamilton) 

Patriots owner Bob Kraft referred questions about deflated footballs to Bill Belichick who denied all wrongdoing and blamed Tom Brady who denied wrongdoing and blamed the ball boys, who might rat out everyone. We baby boomers loved it. *For one beautiful day, Nixon was still president and we were all young again. (Argus Hamilton) 

Lindsay Lohan was hospitalized in London with a disease she caught from a mosquito bite in Africa a few months ago. The disease makes you mentally drowsy and physically listless and hot. *Had she shown symptoms of this disease in Los Angeles she could have gone undiagnosed for years. (Argus Hamilton)

The Super Bowl is this Sunday. Of course, officials will huddle before game to make sure everything is properly inflated. *Talking about price of beers. (Alan Ray)

The Sundance Film Festival continues in Utah. What movie is considered a long shot to win the grand jury prize?  *“The Expendables: Part 4”. (Alan Ray)

Two balloonists are attempting to fly from Japan to North America. They face hours of torturous, extreme conditions. *But the alternative was flying United. (Alan Ray)

Virgin Atlantic will soon offer free lectures. *Topics include history, medicine and a nutritionist will describe the meals they used to serve.  (Bob Mills)

Emma Watson has been signed for Disney's "Beauty & the Beast."  *The part of the Beast has been whittled down to Bill Belichick, Donald Sterling, or Bill Cosby.  (Bob Mills)

T-Mobile has agreed to pay $90 Million to settle claims of bogus charges on customers’ bills. *Or as AT&T subscribers call bogus charges, their monthly statement.  (Jim Barach)

Disney is replacing Harrison Ford in the next Indiana Jones movie. *They figured "Indiana Jones and the "Squeaky Walker" wouldn't sell. (Bill Williams)

Katy Perry is the halftime entertainment at Super Bowl 2015. *She promises a show so hot, there won’t be an under-inflated ball in the house. (Bill Williams)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 1/28/15              
 
 
Facebook says hackers weren't behind last Monday's service outage.  In a statement, Facebook said the outage occurred after they introduced a change that affected their systems.  *Experts say the outage caused at least 100 million dollars in gained worker productivity.  (Paul Dudley)

A blizzard has pummeled the Northeast. You can tell there’s a lot of snow in New Jersey. *Governor Christie has set up emergency KFC’s. (Alan Ray)

Kobe Bryant ended his season with torn rotator cuff. The pain was too intense to continue. *Being on the Lakers night after night was really that bad. (Alan Ray)

Sky Mall has filed for bankruptcy protection. Creditors didn’t go for the company’s offers of restitution. *Something from Sky Mall. (Alan Ray)

Right now New York is…*whiter than a best actor Oscar nominee. (Alex Kaseberg)

A guy crashed his drone on the White House lawn. *It’s the worst case of a guy mishandling his joystick at the White House since Bill and Monica. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Los Angeles Clippers attended the grand opening of the new L.A. strip club Ace of Diamonds despite the dangers. Two men getting lap dances at a Tulsa strip bar this week were hit by bullets fired outside the club. *Both men are expected to recover from their injuries, until they get home.  (Argus Hamilton)

Pope Francis angered free speech advocates en route to Manila by urging cartoonists not to make fun of other people's religions. However the right to poke fun at the sacred is an old Protestant liberty. *Nothing brings Americans together like the freedom to say Tom Brady's deflated balls.  (Argus Hamilton)

A man has been questioned by police after traveling on the Beijing Metro with a watermelon on his head. Passengers and subway staff in the Chinese capital called police after several people said they were unnerved by the sight. *He claims he’s no fruitcake, so let’s hope he gets his just desserts.  (Ian Searle)

Lindsay Vonn won the Super-G at St. Moritz, Switzerland in 1:23.55. That's a good sign. *She'll have to be fast on her feet if she intends spending next Thanksgiving with Tiger.  (Bob Mills)

US hotel wi-fi trails that in Mexico, India, S. Korea and Vietnam. Makes sense when you think about it. *Their food ordered online is much better, too.  (Bob Mills)

"Birdman" gained Oscar traction from the SAG Awards Best picture win. Producers of "American Sniper" are not sitting idly by. *They may switch him to a shotgun.  (Bob Mills)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 1/27/15                
 
A new study suggests that having one glass of wine every night can have a positive effect on heart health. Remember, everything in moderation. *There a difference between a glass of wine, and a box of wine. (Paul Dudley)

The Patriots won with under-inflated balls. Amateurs! *Try it with one, says Lance Armstrong. (Bill Williams)

American and Cuban government officials have met in Havana to iron out details of the new diplomatic recognition of Cuba by the United States. *Until now, most Cubans who held talks with rich Americans were on a mound. (Bob Mills)

Colorado ERs report rise in pot calls since new law legalized the drug. *Complaints include nausea, dizziness and urge to sing "On the Road Again."  (Bob Mills)

Kobe Bryant has sought a second opinion and is praying for a miracle that his torn rotator cuff will not end his hoop career. He's leaving no stone unturned. *Pope Francis said "What's a rotator cuff?"  (Bob Mills)

The Queen Anne Cannabis Club in Seattle named its most potent pot after Seahawks star runner Marshawn Lynch. Its proponents know the mantra. *It states if everyone in the world smoked a joint at the exact same time, we would have world peace for about an hour, followed by a global food shortage. (Argus Hamilton)

NASA announced that the Mars Curiosity rover has a new science team chief who will supervise the rover's work on Mars. It's scouring the Red Planet quipped with two picks, a drill and a laser cannon. *So far the rover's found no intelligent life on Mars, just simple organisms playing video games. (Argus Hamilton)

The National Enquirer published a cover story headlining a claim that President Obama and Michelle's marriage is in big trouble. It says the First Couple are fighting like cats and dogs. *To give you a general idea of just how bad things are, their Secret Service code names are Bill and Hillary.  (Argus Hamilton)

An analysis says deaths from car crashes dropped 25% in the past decade because of safety gear. *However, it should be back up to its old levels in no time thanks to the introduction of texting.  (Jim Barach)

A study says that people who cook at home eat healthier meals with fewer calories. *The study is called watching the people in line at McDonald’s.  (Jim Barach)

NASA will run an experiment with twin astronauts, with one staying in space for a year with the other on the ground to measure differences of life in zero gravity. *The only bad part is since they are twins, the one staying on Earth insists on dressing identically and wearing a space suit everywhere.  (Jim Barach)

Shubham Banerjee a13-year-old Californian boy from Silicon Valley is thought to be the youngest entrepreneur ever to receive venture capital after he invented a Braille printer using Lego. *A real chip off the old block!  (Ian Searle)

The Funny Firm - Monday 1/26/15              
 
 
This year will mark the final chapter of competing for the championship for NASCAR star Jeff Gordon. Gordon admitted recently that he might be forced to retire earlier than planned. *He says he wants to spend more time with his family of Miss Sprint Cup Girls.  (Paul Dudley)

Denver County Fair officials reported that marijuana plants will be judged for blue ribbons this year as well as marijuana brownies. The pot pavilion will also include a joint-rolling contest. *As a result, the county fair organizers are expecting a record number of contestants in the pie-eating contest.  (Argus Hamilton)

The New England Patriots are accused of deflating their footballs so Tom Brady could get a better grip as he threw passes in the cold wind and rain. The referees watch closely for deflated balls. *It's the closest thing they have to a steroids test right in the middle of the game. (Argus Hamilton)

The NFL found eleven of New England's twelve game footballs were under inflated. They let the air of out them before the game started somewhere inside the stadium. *The best guess is, Coach Bill Belichick had the footballs deflated in the elevator because he knew the NFL wouldn't watch the video.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Sundance Film Festival has begun. So far, what’s the least attended exhibition at this artsy conclave? *“Madea: A Retrospective”. (Alan Ray)

Mike Huckabee is thinking about running for president. It’s unprecedented. *The words “Mike Huckabee” and “running” in the same sentence. (Alan Ray) 

The Winter X Games are taking place in Aspen, Colorado. Alternative sports superstars gather seeking gold. *Because it’s legal now to purchase in Colorado. (Alan Ray)

NFL fines Seahawks Lynch $20,000 for grabbing his crotch. Biggest fine for grabbing a crotch since, well, Michael Jackson. (Alex Kaseberg)

Google is now in orbit after buying 10% of SpaceX, the civilian version of NASA. *They wasted no time and are already taking aerial shots of the Sea of Tranquility for Google Maps.  (Bob Mills)

Scientists are using the latest electronic x-rays to view rolled up scrolls preserved during the Pompeii volcanic eruption without unrolling them. *And the NFL has to rely on players to tell them when the ball is under inflated?  (Bob Mills)

On the BBC's "Graham Norton Show," pop warbler Jessie J demonstrated how to sing without opening your mouth. Now, if he could just teach Miley Cyrus how to master the technique.  (Bob Mills)

A bachelor in Norwich in the UK is trying to raise money through an internet site to help him find true love. Bearded bartender Tom Packer wants to the money to pay for the 13 dates he believes it will take him to find the girl of his dreams. *You know what they say, "Two's company, thirteen is crowd funding"!  (Ian Searle)

The Funny Firm - Friday 1/23/15                
 
Tiger Woods has his ski star girlfriend Lindsey Vonn on his side when it comes to his claim that a cameraman accidentally knocked out his tooth. She says that she felt "terrible that his tooth got knocked out".  *Tiger didn‘t see it coming, usually when he gets a tooth knocked out it’s at the hands of an enraged Swedish woman with a 7 iron.  (Paul Dudley)

The National Association of Theater Owners reports that the average price of a movie ticket is now $8.17. *May just be a coincidence, but that's also the average price of a regular size bag of popcorn. (Bob Mills)

The Super Bowl is coming up. *I long for the old days of football when the only deflation was Joe Namath wearing pantyhose. (Bill Williams)

‘Honey Boo Boo” reality stars Momma June and Sugar Bear are trying to reconcile. A recent get together turned ugly. *They had make up sex. (Alan Ray)

A Florida teen posed as OB/GYN for 1 month at a hospital. Patients began to suspect something was wrong. *Every time they got into the stirrups, he would start to giggle. (Alan Ray) 

The New England Patriots coaching staff denies any wrongdoing in the football deflation scandal. Good alibi. *“We were too busy spying.” (Alan Ray) 

New England has been accused of deflating 11 of 12 game balls last week. *There is actually a technical term for deflating balls: marriage. (Alex Kaseberg) 

In Michigan, two men discovered mastodon bones in their backyard. *The men are excited- according to their wives, Betty and Wilma. (Alex Kaseberg)

Aaron Rodgers does not think god cares about a football game. *Easy for him to say, god is the one who let him date Olivia Munn. (Alex Kaseberg)

Clint Eastwood's American Sniper set January box office records last weekend earning over one hundred million in ticket sales. Its success angered the anti-war crowd. *On Sunday Michael Moore tweeted that snipers are cowards and now nobody in Hollywood will walk outside the building with him. (Argus Hamilton)

Tiger Woods showed up in the Alps to surprise Lindsay Vonn when she won a World Cup title in Italy Sunday. However, as she skied past the finish line, a video camera swung quickly and knocked out Tiger’s front tooth. *The camera had just found out that he was seeing dozens of other video cameras. (Argus Hamilton)

The Super Bowl will pit the New England Patriots against the Seattle Seahawks in Phoenix. It's become a national feast day. *Advertising Age says that fans are expected to eat twenty-one million hot dogs on Super Bowl Sunday so don't be surprised if this year's Budweiser ad doesn't feature any horses.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 1/22/15              
 
 
According to the "Daily Mirror," Scott Loxley has been walking around the Australian Outback dressed as a Stormtrooper for charity. He recently encountered a snake that tried to sink its teeth into him, but he says his plastic Stormtrooper outfit saved him.  *The suit is pretty amazing, not only does it repel snakes, it also repels possible girlfriends.  (Paul Dudley)

Tiger Woods. *Either get your missing front tooth fixed or change your name to Tiger Backwoods. (Alex Kaseberg) 

Chicago Bears have hired John Fox as coach. Handshakes with the wide receivers were awkward. *They grabbed his hand, but couldn’t hold on to it. (Alan Ray)

Tony Verna, the Emmy-winning inventor of Instant Replay has died at age 81. *At first, his doctors believed he was just suffering from chronic exhaustion, but on further review, they concluded his condition was permanent.  (Bob Mills)

The Super Bowl bound Boston Patriots have been accused of using an under-inflated football in Sunday's game. There's a rule prohibiting under-inflation of balls?  *How about one prohibiting over-inflation of salaries?  (Bob Mills)

Arizona high school students won't be allowed to graduate before taking a course in Civics. *In a recent poll, 87% of them identified the three branches of government as Fox, CNN and MSNBC. (Bob Mills)

Duke University reversed its decision to allow the Muslim call to evening prayer sound from the chapel bell tower chimes. The school is an old Methodist private school with very different traditions. *For two centuries, Duke students have gathered on campus corner every sundown for the Call to Beer. (Argus Hamilton)

The N.Y. Mercantile Exchange saw oil prices fall to forty-five dollars a barrel. Fifteen states across the country now have gas prices that have dipped underneath two dollars a gallon. *This means that it's now cheaper to buy a gallon of liquid dinosaur bones than a cup of coffee at Starbucks. (Argus Hamilton)

Daily Variety reported that Stevie Wonder will extend his Concert in the Key of Life tour to eleven more dates due to the huge demand. *We have to enjoy this great artist while we still have him. At his show in Cleveland last year, Stevie Wonder broke his neck when the drummer picked up the beat.  (Argus Hamilton)

A teen girl says she’s marrying her father, moving to New Jersey and having his babies. Eww!!! say her friends. *Moving to New Jersey. (Bill Williams) 

Justin Bieber is spokesmodel for Calvin Klein underpants. Seems like a good product. *Room for your junk and a couple of socks too. (Bill Williams)

A teenager posed as a doctor at a medical center in West Palm Beach for a month. The teenager had donned a lab coat, a stethoscope and a surgical mask as he wandered the facility's obstetrics department. *He was finally exposed as a fraud when someone pointed out you could read his writing!  (Ian Searle)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 1/21/15                
 
The New England Patriots will take on the Seattle Seahawks in the Super Bowl. Idina Menzel from the movie "Frozen" will sing the national anthem, and Katy Perry will perform at halftime.  *Anyone over 40 years old are demanding they bring back the marching bands.  (Paul Dudley)

Scientists say 2 planets may exist on the other side of Pluto. No intelligent life on either. *Just simple organisms playing video games. (Alan Ray)

Former NBA player Greg Anthony has been suspended from his job at CBS after getting caught soliciting hooker. He’s been embarrassed before like this. *During prior transaction, he was called for 3 seconds. (Alan Ray)

The Chicago Cubs say the bleachers at Wrigley will be closed till May 11 for reconstruction. How do you stop team from going near it?  *Pitch them a hanging curve. (Alan Ray)

A recent Delta flight from Cleveland to New York had just two passengers. *And there still wasn’t enough room for their luggage in the overhead bins. (Alex Kaseberg)

A man with two penises has written a book. *Oddly enough the book is about wood crafting. (Alex Kaseberg)

The man who invented sports replays, Tony Verna, passed at 81. *His service is noon on Saturday and will be replayed at one, two and three o‘clock. (Alex Kaseberg)

Season 1 of the 1970's hit "Welcome Back, Kotter" has been re-released on DVD but with an updated name aimed at snagging young viewers: "Welcome Back John Travolta With Hair." (Bob Mills)

The Vermont Legislature is considering a bill that would legalize marijuana, which grows easily there. Their pot is slightly different from the usual varieties. You don't smoke it. *You pour it on pancakes.  (Bob Mills)

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell came under renewed calls to clamp down on player conduct as the post-season player arrest tally began. This week an NFL player was arrested in Florida on gun charges. *This news is shocking to anyone who knows nothing about the NFL or Florida. (Argus Hamilton) 

Arizona's legislature passed a law requiring all public high school students to pass a U.S. civics course before they can graduate. The private schools see the future a little more clearly. *They require their students to pass a course that shows how the British held onto India for two hundred years. (Argus Hamilton)

Major League Baseball salaries reached a record $4.06 Billion in 2014. *Now the players need to take steroids just to be able to carry home the cash they get from their signing bonuses.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 1/20/15              
 
 
It’s now being reported that Justin Bieber and Keith Richards hung out together on New Year’s Eve. Just the picture of the two of them together was a public service announcement.  *See this kids…before, after.  (Mark Wheeler)

Super Bowl teams have been determined.  Payouts to the participants will reach six figures. *Those beer stand workers make a ton of money.  (Alan Ray)

A dog in Seattle rides the bus by herself to the dog park. But the dog isn’t that smart. *It left the Seahawks game early.  (Alex Kaseberg)

*People in Los Angeles are shocked. They have buses?  (Alex Kaseberg)

Looks like the Wrigley Field bleachers will not be ready for the start of the season. *Just like the Cubs.  (Alex Kaseberg)

USC’s Alpha Chi Omega sorority requires its members to wear contacts rather than glasses, have natural color hair, non-bushy eyebrows, and neutral pink fingernails. *Pledges are advised to obtain a color photograph of Bruce Jenner as a guide. (Bob Mills) 

Donald Trump donated almost 13 pristine acres of prime California coast to be set aside as a Nature Conservancy. *In appreciation, his hair has been officially designated an Endangered Species. (Bob Mills)

An 18-year-old boy and a 13-year-old girl did a “Bonnie and Clyde” crime spree around the south. *They stole pickup trucks, wrote bad checks, and lied on Facebook. (Bill Williams)

Playboy this month published advice to young men on how to pick up ladies at singles bars in Los Angeles. It's all common sense. *As a general rule it's a good idea to smile, ask her about herself, listen to her and show a sense of humor and never under any circumstance offer to buy her a Cosbytini.  (Argus Hamilton)

Boyhood was the prediction of most movie critics to take home the Oscar for Best Picture. It took twelve years to film a boy's life as he developed and grew in experiences from age six to age eighteen. *The sequel to Boyhood will show him smoking pot and playing video games for twelve years.  (Argus Hamilton)

BlackBerry is reportedly developing a self-destruct phone which will be able to render itself inoperable for security reasons. *Or people could just get the same result by signing up with AT&T.  (Jim Barach)

A report says debt collectors are harassing millions of retired Americans. *The elderly victims don’t report them to authorities because their tactics are a lot less aggressive and threatening than when they are pestered for money by their grandchildren. (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Monday 1/19/15                
 
Police are looking for a woman who stole $3,000 worth of cat-grooming supplies at an airport baggage carousel. *Police say the woman is armed and adorable. (Paul Dudley)

“Taken 3” is tops at the box office. Liam Neeson gets back at his enemies with vengeance and no mercy. *He threatens them with “Taken 4”. (Alan Ray) 

Kourtney Kardashian has named her third child Reign Aston Disick. *Apparently after Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their child North, there is a brand new competition in the family to come up with the most ridiculous name. (Jim Barach)

Heidi Klum’s ads for Sharper Image had to be altered for display at McCarran International Airport in Las Vegas. *Not because of censorship, but because the ad agency figured the last way to get people’s attention in Las Vegas is by showing them yet another barely dressed woman. (Jim Barach)

Jennifer Lawrence’s character of Katniss Everdeen from “The Hunger Games” is now a wax figure at Madame Tussaud’s in London. *Apparently foreigners in London can relate to what they call “The Hunger Games” when they have to live on a diet of British food. (Jim Barach)

The Teamsters Union is negotiating with TV commercial producers to avert a strike. Good luck. *You ever tried to reason with that Geico lizard? (Bob Mills)

Moroccan-born Muslim mayor of Rotterdam Mahmoud Aboutaleb told Muslims who don't like freedoms of the Netherlands to go home. It's a nation of legal drugs, legal prostitution and bars open twenty-four hours. *The cops can always spot a radical Muslim in the Netherlands by his white knuckles. (Argus Hamilton)

The White House refused to disclose President Obama's strategy for emptying Guantanamo Bay prison despite so many released terrorists returning to the battlefield. Obama hasn't had much success in the area of prisoner rehabilitation. *Even the turkey he pardoned last November is back in jail. (Argus Hamilton)

ISIS made headlines by hacking into the Pentagon's Twitter and YouTube websites in a daring cyber-attack. They must stay in the news. *If Ferguson, Ebola and Lindsay Lohan taught the world anything, it's that as soon as a problem stops getting ratings, it's no longer considered a problem. (Argus Hamilton)

Some don’t like Michael Keaton’s portrayal of drunk movie star who attempts comeback. *“Don’t give Mel Gibson ideas.” (Alan Ray)

Samsung wants to purchase BlackBerry. The buyers are still reading the fine print. *On the keyboard. (Alan Ray)

NBC’s advertising fees for the Super Bowl are $4 million a minute. Actually, that’s not too far out of line. *In a good year, that’s what Bill Cosby paid his pharmacist. (Bill Williams)

The Funny Firm - Friday 1/16/15              
 
 
New research suggests that the first human conversations may have been about tools.  It makes sense.  *After all, the first mancave was an actual cave.  (Mark Wheeler)

“Paddington” is out in movie theaters.  The film features surround sound.  *The four year olds in front and back of you won’t stop talking.   (Alan Ray)

The Brooklyn Nets are for sale.  The team has minimal maintenance.  *In fact, the only consistent overhead is an errant pass.  (Alan Ray)

Todd Bowles has been hired to coach the New York Jets.  He will start the job with a blank slate.  *Or, as the team calls it, “a playbook”.  (Alan Ray)

A woman in Montana gave birth to three identical triplets. *Their names are Hey there, Oh Hi and Look, it’s you.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Miley Cyrus goes full frontal nude in photos. What’s the big deal you ask? None. *She’s twerked all the good stuff to her backside. (Bill Williams)

Facebook announced it's teaming up with the Department of Labor to post available jobs in the labor market. Now young people can use Facebook to get a job before they post party photos on Facebook that cost them the job. *It's Facebook's way of teaching young people the cycle of forest fires. (Argus Hamilton)

The Golden Globes aired live from the Beverly Hilton and drew forty million viewers to NBC. It was held in the hotel ballroom. *The Golden Globes lasted so long that by the end of the show, the kid from Boyhood had passed through puberty and was old enough to order a drink at the open bar.  (Argus Hamilton)

President Obama cited France's aid to colonial patriot rebels in the Revolutionary war Monday in his praise of France. It wasn't long before France reverted to form. *French fries were invented in America, but we named them after the French because after you eat them, you feel fat and defeated.  (Argus Hamilton)

The government estimates that Americans will save $550 on gasoline in 2015. *Which finally gives Congress something to do next year, which is figuring out how to put some sort of tax on that extra money.  (Jim Barach)

“America’s Top Model” was rated as the least watched network show of 2014. *The show had such low ratings that it may be re-titled “A Whole Bunch of Broke Girls.”  (Jim Barach)

A study says that eating junk food may lead to lower school results for U.S. kids. *The results will be in just as soon as researchers can find an American student who actually eats a healthy diet. (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 1/15/15                
 
NASCAR star Kurt Busch took the stand this week for a hearing over a protective order filed against Busch by his ex-girlfriend Patricia Driscoll.  Driscoll claims Busch attacked her last year.  *If he gets kicked out of NASCAR, he still has a shot at a career in the NFL.  (Paul Dudley)

Montana woman gave birth to identical triplets.  Like any mom, she’s worried about them being healthy and rested.  *Talking about her boobs.  (Alan Ray)

Broncos and coach John Fox part ways.  The front office was depending on the offense to retain him.  *But, as usual, they dropped the ball.  (Alan Ray)

Knicks trying to trade 2 more players.  Phil Jackson is building a new foundation.  *And this year the team is putting up a lot of bricks.  (Alan Ray)

Ohio State’s Ezekiel Elliot rushed for 246 yards. *That is the record for most rushing yards ever for someone named Ezekiel.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Are you kidding me? ISIS was able to hack into the Army’s Centcom Twitter account? Great. *Now I have to decide whether to retweet or reload.  (Bob Mills)

California’s super hot Attorney General Camilla Harris will seek Barbara Boxer’s Senate seat. *Either that or replace Teresa Giudice on “Real Housewives of New Jersey.”  (Bob Mills)

Ohio State is the college football champion after defeating Oregon. The difference between Ohio State players and Super Bowl winners is that NFL players don’t have to pretend to attend classes the next day.  (Bob Mills)

McDonald's and Dunkin' Donuts offer free coffee on Monday mornings. Coffee’s free. *Cup costs eight bucks. (Bill Williams)

President Obama was ripped for not joining other Western leaders in Sunday’s Paris rally against recent Islamist attacks. He decided to stay home and watched the Dallas Cowboys-Green Bay Packers playoff game. *When President Obama deals with terrorism, he always asks himself what would Bush do. (Argus Hamilton)

Ford Motor Company unveiled the GT Raptor at the Detroit Auto Show that boasts a six hundred horsepower turbocharged engine. It's the first sign that we've finally stopped apologizing for being Americans. *The new Ford GT Raptor does not run on gasoline, it runs on ground-up Smart Cars.  (Argus Hamilton)

NBC has sold out its Super Bowl ads at four million dollars a minute of advertising time. It's a delicate balancing act. *Every Super Bowl Sunday they run public service ads calling for an end to domestic violence, for safe sex and for responsible parenting, in-between forty-six beer commercials.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 1/14/15              
 
 
At the Golden Globes Sunday night, George Clooney was presented with a lifetime achievement award. *Not for acting…for the total number of women he’s slept with.  (Paul Dudley)

The NFL postseason continues.  The Seattle Seahawks defense is ferocious.  *They put more guys on their backs than a Kardashian.  (Alan Ray)

“Blackhat” opens in theaters.  An ex-con stalls a worldwide cybercrime network. *He reduces their browser option to just Internet Explorer.  (Alan Ray)

Now, I don’t want to say Peyton Manning had a bad game Sunday…*but even his “Nationwide Insurance” pitch was underthrown.  (Alex Kaseberg)

General Mills is coming out with Cheerios made with quinoa. *It is the first cereal where the fun surprise at the bottom of the box is just being done with the cereal. (Alex Kaseberg)

Sure hope this year's Puppy Bowl goes better than last year's. *A referee overturned a key unnecessary leg-humping call.  (Alex Kaseberg)

USA Today published a study on the political effect of cable news networks on viewers. It makes sense. *The survey says watching Fox News makes you more conservative, watching MSNBC makes you more liberal and if you watch CNN you never think any airplane is going to land safely or be found.  (Argus Hamilton)

President Obama recently held a cordial meeting with Mexican President Nieto. Gifts were exchanged. *Nieto gave Barack a matador's cape and Obama gave him a drivers license. (Bob Mills)

Former “Real Housewives of New Jersey” star Teresa Giudice is reported to be adapting beautifully to life in jail. *She’s personalized her cell with photos and fan letters and is working on a new cookbook: “101 Ways to Prepare Slop & Gruel.” (Bob Mills)

Bill Gates demonstrated the effectiveness of his new human feces conversion system by drinking a glass of water produced by it. *Of course, the biggest question remains -- Will his dog like it? (Bob Mills)

A study says that using smartphones supercharges thumb control in the brain. *Which is ironic in that opposable thumbs are supposedly what sets us apart from the other animals, while being glued to our cellphones puts us right back in the mix.  (Jim Barach)

The New Cadillac CTS-V reportedly will be able to go up to 200 mph. *That is just a bit faster than the record speed ever reached by a Cadillac driven by its owner which is just over 57 miles an hour.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 1/13/15                
 
North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un celebrated a birthday last week. He gathered family and friends together for a birthday party.  *Things got awkward when someone asked when his uncle was going show up.  (Paul Dudley)

“Paddington” opens in movie theaters.  A British family befriends a talking bear.  *Or, as Ted Nugent would call him, “a rug”.  (Alan Ray)

General Mills is going to introduce a Cheerios with quinoa. *I think the name of it is “Why?”  (Alex Kaseberg)

A man born with an extra penis has written memoirs.  Critics are giving it very good reviews.  *Wait a minute, those aren’t two thumbs up.  (Alan Ray)

There is an online list of celebrities who have had contact with Justin Bieber and despise him. *Or as I call it "My Favorite Celebrities".  (Alex Kaseberg)

According to a new report, the average college freshman reads at a seventh grade level. *That is shocking. *College freshman read?  (Alex Kaseberg)

George Zimmerman arrested for throwing wine bottle at his girlfriend. Guess that answers one question. *Who is Honey Boo Boo's mom dating. (Bill Williams)

Police in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho have launched a new Text-a-Crime system as an alternative to 911 calls. *It has the added advantage of texting the required Miranda warning to the suspect’s cell phone. (Bob Mills)

A new smart phone app helps spot signs of mental distress in social media. *The first sign of mental distress on social media is following Justin Bieber, Britney Spears and the Kardashians.  (Jim Barach)

Jennifer Lawrence was named the highest grossing actor for 2014. *Movie experts credit her success in film to hard work, good looks and not starring in any pictures that feature Adam Sandler.  (Jim Barach)

A study says that smartphone use is changing the way we use our brains. *Ironically, when we have our smartphones in full use we put our brains into the “sleep” mode.  (Jim Barach)

A study says that weight training as well as cardio workouts are needed to lose belly fat. *The only problem is that most Americans got their belly fat by seeing how many Big Macs they were able to lift during their lunch break.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Monday 1/12/15              
 
 
Bill Gates says he is a strong advocate of new technology that converts human feces into drinkable water.  He says the water tastes great.  *Then again, Bill Gates thinks Windows works great.  (Paul Dudley)

Justin Bieber now models Calvin Klein underwear. The style he wears resembles his overall contribution to the music world. *Brief. (Alan Ray)

The NFL postseason continues. They were packed in like sardines at Lambeau Field for Packers-Cowboys game. *And that was just in Chris Christie’s suite. (Alan Ray)

It’s Oregon taking on Ohio State for number 1 in college football. The game highlights athleticism and physical fitness. *It’s sponsored by Dr. Pepper, Velveeta, and Taco Bell.  (Alan Ray)

Chefs in Colorado and Washington are taking high-paying jobs designing Nouvelle Cuisine for marijuana and marijuana byproducts . *Munchies, they’re not just for potheads anymore. (Bill Williams)

Boxing superstar Floyd Mayweather’s car collection features nine supercars including three Bugattis and is worth millions. All have power steering. *The champ hates fighting the wheel. (Bill Williams)

St. Louis Rams owner Stan Kroenke revealed plans to build an NFL stadium at Hollywood Park racetrack in Los Angeles where he will move the Rams. Adjusting to life there will be no problem for the team. *In only eight or nine concussions, the players will talk and sound like they've lived in L.A. all their lives. (Argus Hamilton)

Lindsay Lohan is suffering from a tropical virus called Chikungung after a mosquito bit her last week on a Caribbean vacation. It's a lose-lose situation. *Lindsay is in a London hospital suffering from fever and muscle ache and the mosquito's on the nearest lily pad suffering from alcohol poisoning.  (Argus Hamilton)

Mercedes has debuted their revolutionary new F015 Luxury in Motion driver-less car in which the passengers face one another. *Sounds like a nice idea but really, how many chess players are there?  (Bob Mills)

They had to Photoshop Justin Bieber's crotch in his new Calvin Klein underwear ad. They had to make his Justin longer and his Biebers bigger. (Alex Kaseberg)

Washington Nationals hired a “Life Skills Coordinator.” *In Babe Ruth’s era, the life skills coordinator had a different name: pimp.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Scientists say they have created artificial human eggs and sperm. *Which means we can finally see what it would be like if Cher and Bruce Jenner had kids.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Friday 1/9/15                
 
Actress Lindsay Lohan was recently diagnosed with a rare mosquito-transmitted disease called Chikungunya. *Meanwhile the mosquito was seen nervously getting tested at the local free clinic to see what he may have caught from Lindsay Lohan. (Paul Dudley)

Four ex-Major Leaguers selected to Hall of Fame. Randy Johnson had an amazing fastball. *He sat down more batters than a PED test. (Alan Ray)

Chris Christie is a Dallas Cowboys fan. You can see him in the owners box chanting a familiar refrain. *“Hey, can I get some more nachos?”   (Alan Ray)

Ex-Virginia governor Bob McDonnell gets 2 years prison. The joint is different from political office. *At least this time he won’t be chained to a desk.  (Alan Ray)

Senator Harry Reid missed Tuesday opening session due to injuries he said he suffered while he was working out at home. He has stitches in his face, a busted jaw and two broken ribs. *Tiger Woods heard the news and was glad to hear he's not the only guy who doesn't know how to erase text messages.  (Argus Hamilton)

ESPN's analyst Skip Bayless came out and said Cleveland Browns rookie quarterback Johnny Manziel arrived in the NFL with a drinking problem. At Texas A&M he majored in Coors. *Binge drinking is so prevalent in colleges that this year's NFL draft will be available in both bottles and cans.  (Argus Hamilton)

The popular "Empress of China" TV drama was yanked off the airwaves in Beijing for what officials described as “excessive cleavage.”  *And I’ll bet you thought the gulf between the East and the West was narrowing.  (Bob Mills)

New York women are complaining about “manspreading,” men sitting with their legs wide apart taking up too much space on the subway. *Not to be confused with Taylor Swift’s dating habits. (Bill Williams)

Jonathan Cheban, best friend of Kim Kardashian is opening a chain of burger joints called, Burger Bandit. Try the “Kim Burger.”  *A Botox patty generously slathered with olive oil served between two magnificent buns. (Bill Williams) 

Beyonce’s sister Solange Knowles has been slapped with a $55,000 tax lien by the state of California. *It’s the first time the words “Solange” and “slapped” have been used together in a sentence that didn’t also include “elevator” and “Jay-Z’s mouth.”  (Jim Barach)

A study says that ants almost always turn to the left when they are exploring new territory. *Mostly because they are usually following the oldest member of the colony who always leaves their left blinker on.  (Jim Barach)

Hotels are starting a Wi-Fi war to attract customers with free Internet service. *Which isn’t good for Super 8 Motels whose customers only want the service to find out where else in town they can still get another room.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 1/8/15              
 
 
One of the new gadgets introduced at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas this week is a belt that tells the person wearing it when it's time to lose weight. *It’s much better than the old fashioned way…realizing that both ends of the belt no longer meet.  (Paul Dudley)

Real Housewives’ Teresa Giudice has begun prison term. She got shock of her life right away. *Everyone showed up to dinner in same outfit. (Alan Ray)

“Taken 3” opens in movie theaters. Liam Neeson is once again an angry, desperate man. *He has to act in another Taken movie. (Alan Ray)

The Knicks have traded 3 players to save $20 million. The deal took about 2 weeks to maneuver. *Or, as the team calls it, “a fast break”.  (Alan Ray)

Kim Jong Un so upset by US sanctions...*he fell off his booster seat at the Pyongyang Chuck E. Cheese.  (Alex Kaseberg)

McDonald's has a new take-out bag for those too cool to carry one from the Golden Arches. *From now on “brown bagging it” will be the new obese. (Bill Williams) 

Want a piece of Elvis? His two private jets are for sale. *Be the first on your block to own a jet powered by “a hunk a hunk of burning love.” (Bill Williams) 

American Airlines cut year-end bonus checks for thousands of management personnel. *The guy who suggested increasing the fee for extra carry-ons, got his in cash stuffed in a carry-on. (Bob Mills)

Krispy Kreme Donut founder William Rudolph passed on last week at age 95. *Among the myriad honors he received over the years were a 21-stun gun salute by the Police Athletic League and a Certificate of Commendation from the Heart Defibrillator Manufacturers of America. (Bob Mills)

Sylvester Stallone announced that he’ll produce and star in yet another “Rocky” sequel, “Rocky the Umpteenth.”  *He’ll still triumphantly scale the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art in the final scene, but if you look closely, you’ll notice he’s using the wheelchair ramp. (Bob Mills)

A study says that sending text messages to parents makes for a better chance their kids will get a full flu vaccination. *Mostly because the messages can then be forwarded to their children since texting is the only way most kids will even communicate with their parents anymore.  (Jim Barach)

Han Solo may get his own “Star Wars” spinoff movie. *Which would be ironic in that “solo” is the way most “Star Wars” fans go on movie date night.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 1/7/15                
 
The Associated Press is reporting that President Obama and daughters Sasha and Malia visited Pearl Jam frontman Eddie Vedder at his house in Kailua on the last day of the first family’s Hawaiian vacation.  *Apparently Obama wanted to party like it's 1999. (Paul Dudley)

The NBA Atlanta Hawks are for sale.  The team doesn’t employ towel boys.  *Rather, to mop up the floor, they use the Knicks. (Alan Ray)

Sylvester Stallone will produce final “Rambo” film.  It has a fitting title for the now aging soldier of fortune.  *“Rambo: Iron Poor Blood”. (Alan Ray)

Can't wait to see…*"Taken 3: Liam Neeson's Retirement Plan."  (Alex Kaseberg)

Sly Stallone agreed to a fifth Rambo. Sly is up there. *This one is how he saves his assisted living facility from a corrupt bingo caller.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Word out of North Korea confirms that Kim Jong Un welcomed the New Year at a party with his generals and their wives.  *The party included confetti, horns, champagne and a Seth Rogen piñata. (Bob Mills)

A new Nevada law bans high school students who cut classes from applying for a drivers license. *Except if she needs a car to drop off her kid at daycare. (Bob Mills)

The economic downturn in Russia is worst than we thought. *Prices there are so high, the Russian Mafia is borrowing cement from the Italian Mafia. (Bob Mills)

Chrysler has recalled 67,000 pickup trucks that have a defect that prevents them from starting. *Which is otherwise known as being a Chrysler. (Jim Barach)

A report says that Radio Shack is not expected to make it through 2015. Their name says it all. *No one under 30 even knows what a radio is, and who wants to buy anything out of a shack?  (Jim Barach)

Chefs in Colorado are reportedly leaving respected restaurants to take more lucrative jobs coming up with recipes for food made with marijuana. *Or as any food containing edible marijuana is called, an appetizer.  (Jim Barach)

A study says that teenagers are more likely than middle aged drivers to die in car crashes involving older and smaller cars. *Mostly because by the time most Americans reach middle age, they have gotten too fat to even be able to fit inside a compact car in the first place.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 1/6/15              
 
 
Sylvester Stallone has announced he will reprise his role as Rocky Balboa and make yet another Rocky movie.  *He'll take on his biggest challenge yet...making it to the early bird special on time. (Paul Dudley)

The NFL postseason continues.  Moving the ball against the Baltimore Ravens defense is like dating Taylor Swift.  *Most go three and out.  (Alan Ray)

Oregon v Ohio State Jan 12. The payout to each school incredible. The coaches receive high six figures. *The players receive high fives. (Alan Ray)

Krispy Kreme founder William Rudolph died last week at age 95. He started way back in 1937 with the idea of getting thugs off the streets. *That’s why the original name was "Cop Cakes.” (Bill Williams)

The Vatican arrested a women in St. Peter’s Square on Christmas day who bared her breasts and grabbed a statue of the baby Jesus. *Pope Francis later issued her a Christmas pardon and said, “Wear a bra next time Ms Kardashian.” (Bill Williams) 

Porsche is building an all-electric car, cost about 100 Grand. But it’ll be fast, really fast. Alternative energy cars are great for the environment, but I want a car like my sister has. *Powered by a sugar daddy. (Bill Williams)

A 74-year-old Albuquerque woman finally got sex change surgery last month after wanting it all her life. *She’s now leaving the toilet seat up and lovin’ it! (Bill Williams)

The man who invented Viagra was knighted by the Queen. *England was grateful because they were tired of just having a stiff upper lip. (Alex Kaseberg)

Florida man decapitated mother because she asked him to put some boxes away. *Way to set the 2015 crazy bar way up there, Florida.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Tesla Motors founder Elon Musk filed for divorce on January 1 from his wife, Tuluah Riley, whom he had married twice. *Friends say they had high hopes the relationship would flame up but instead it just ran out of juice. (Bob Mills)

A couple from Santa Maria, California was married on New Years Day at the local Costco where they met a year ago. *The bride tossed an industrial sized bouquet and the guests tossed a 50 pound tub of rice.  (Bob Mills)

The new Cadillac CTS-V reportedly goes from 0 to 60 mph in 3.7 seconds. *Which is not to be confused with the average age of a Cadillac owner which goes from 65 to 90.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Monday 1/5/15                
 
You can get a veggie Slider on your next trip to White Castle. The burger chain says the Veggie Slider hit the market this week for 99-cents each. It's a limited-edition item that may not be for the health conscious because it packs more calories than the regular beef Sliders.  *On their menu, it’s listed as the…what’s the point burger? (Paul Dudley)

It’s 2015  *Thousands of bad spellers have started their Glutton-Free diets.  (Alex Kaseberg)

*Here is it 2015 and I'm still writing "2014, don't cash this for two weeks" on my checks.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Bravo has a new show called “Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce.”  *“Wow, I cannot wait to see that,” said no straight man. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Pentagon launched drone strikes Monday which killed an al-Qaeda-affiliated group leader as he drove down the highway in a jeep convoy. These drone kills are becoming so commonplace. *There are now road signs on every highway in the Middle East that read Caution: Seventy-Two Virgins Ahead.  (Argus Hamilton)

Egypt's government banned the showing of the movie Exodus: Gods and Kings, saying the movie presents inaccurate historical facts. They had to do it to lure young people into the theater. *It's not true that Moses came down from Mt. Sinai with the Nine Commandments and the Kennedy Family Waiver. (Argus Hamilton)

January 1st was National Bloody Mary Day, so I combined two New Years traditions. *I resolved to give up celery and got drunk. (Bill Williams)

In a desperate move to regain police support…*New York City Mayor Bill De Blasio claims he invented the donut. (Bill Williams)

Twenty nine year old Karla Carbo, was caught impersonating a lawyer and negotiating plea deals for clients at Utah’s Summit County Courthouse. *Her fakery was revealed when a bailiff, used to seeing hundreds of lawyers a day, noticed she didn’t have the telltale back fin when she removed her coat. (Bob Mills)

A new Nevada law says that teens who cut high school classes, may no longer get a drivers license. *Except if they need car to drop off their kid at daycare.  (Bob Mills)

The state of Nevada may soon impose the same strict regulations on brothels as they require for porn filming. Probably a good idea health wise, but will the Johns resent having to dress up as the plumber or the cable installer?  (Bob Mills)

American Airlines is reportedly trying to make its employees happier with raises and bonuses in 2015. Now all they need to do is make their customers happier by pretending they are flying on Delta.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Friday 1/2/15              
 
 
Hundreds of new laws went into effect across the nation yesterday, including minimum wage increases in 19 states.   Utah and West Virginia are now requiring health care providers to wear ID badges any time they're dealing with patients.  *Great, you go to medical school for years so you don't have to have a job wearing a nametag, you become a doctor, and now you have to wear a nametag.  (Paul Dudley)

The Obama administration is very excited to welcome in 2015.  *For the first time in months it was finally someone else dropping the ball.  (Rick Fancy)

My first New Year's resolution is to quit drinking. *My second resolution is not to make unrealistic resolutions when I am sober.  (Alex Kaseberg)

I call my New Year’s resolution the Kim Kardashian. *I resolve not to make a huge ass of myself.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Can you believe it is 2015? *Desmond Diamond, the guy who played Screech, is still writing 1989 on his checks.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Parts of Los Angeles got snow. *It was wild, millions of people woke up and thought they were at Charlie Sheen’s New Year’s party.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Russia's Vladimir Putin was voted Most Interesting Man in Russia a month after Forbes named him the Most Powerful Man in the World. He cultivates a macho image. *Last night Vladimir Putin struck and killed a deer and he said he feels awful about it, but when he's jogging he's in his own world.  (Argus Hamilton)

PGA Tour star Dustin Johnson returns  from a six-month suspension from the PGA Tour after he tested positive for cocaine last year. After a warning, he tested positive a second time. *They gave him a light suspension because to his credit, Dustin Johnson was never warned once for slow play. (Argus Hamilton)

The FBI was briefed by cyber-security detectives who've been investigating the Sony hacking for three weeks. They say the hacking could be the work of a laid-off Sony employee, not North Korea. *We should've believed Kim Jung Un last week when he said he's still using Windows XP.  (Argus Hamilton)

Porsche is building an all-electric car, cost about 100 Grand. But it’ll be fast, really fast. *Go from 0 to mid-life crisis in 3.2 seconds. (Bill Williams)

Burglars with exquisite taste for fine wine broke into the closed for remodeling French Laundry Restaurant in Napa and made off with 76 bottles of 2004 to 2010 Romanee Conti worth $11,000 to $15,000 per bottle. *Napa undercover officers immediately staked out all high end food retailers in the area specializing in vintage Brie.  (Bob Mills)

A survey by Coinstar, the company that puts coin sorting kiosks in malls says 66% of consumers went over their spending budget for the holidays. *How bad is it when Christmas shopping habits are monitored by a company that tracks people’s loose change?  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 1/1/15                
 
The Royal Canadian Navy slapped a nearly total alcohol drinking ban on its ships at sea last week after several sailors got into trouble during an exercise. Navy brass also ordered the removal of all beer vending machines from Canadian warships.  *Why is it not surprising that the Canadian Navy had beer vending machines on their warships?  (Paul Dudley)

New Year’s morning. Hangovers, recriminations, resolutions, the Rose Parade. Or as Hugh Hefner calls it: *The morning after a Viagra high. (Bill Williams)

Customer pulls a gun on Tennessee McDonald’s employee at the drive-thru window. Could be two reasons for the gun. She forgot his fries. *Or she was his cousin and he was proposing. (Bill Williams)

Once the bread-and-butter of the networks thanks to their lower budgets, reality shows like “American Idol,” “The Voice” and “The Comeback” have been in a steady ratings decline. *Industry analysts blame in Internet, social media, and professionals are more fun to watch go into rehab. (Bob Mills)

Lots of long-awaited films have opened over the year end holiday, “American Sniper,” “Unbroken,” “Selma.” I went to see “Into the Woods” on a double bill with “Into the Wild” an a weird thing happened…Meryl and Reese ended up sleeping together in a Coleman tent.  (Bob Mills)

Atlantic City and Las Vegas hotels posted signs on the wall above casino ATMs that give out the toll-free phone number for the Gambling Addicts Hotline for help. Most gamblers ignore the sign completely. *More people would call the Gambling Addicts Hotline if they made every fifth call a winner. (Argus Hamilton)

Walmart will build smaller stores to get around Los Angeles ordinances that ban Walmarts due to their effect on cities and people. A couple was recently arrested at a Walmart in Salinas for trying to sell their kid for twenty-five dollars. *Walmart called it horrifying but proof of its everyday low prices. (Argus Hamilton)

PGA star Dustin Johnson is set to return to the PGA Tour after a six month suspension for testing positive for cocaine. You can't hide it. *The PGA suspected he had a cocaine problem at the AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am this year when every Hollywood celebrity asked to be paired with Dustin Johnson.  (Argus Hamilton)

Playstation continues to suffer online outages. It’s starting to lose subscribers to its main competitor. *Doing something productive. (Alan Ray)

Coach Jim Harbaugh is heading to the University of Michigan. College and pro are not same. One features overpaid, pampered players who don’t attend classes. *The other is the NFL.  (Alan Ray)

People around the world welcomed in the new year last night. When you hear loud singing of “auld lang syne” off key, it can only mean one thing. *It’s midnight at Mariah Carey’s house.  (Alan Ray)

Health officials have confirmed the first case of Ebola in Scotland. *Apparently it took so long to identify because the symptoms of intense stomach pain, high fever and blood hemorrhaging from the eyes was pretty much the same as someone who has just eaten their first haggis.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 12/31/14              
 
 
The mystery behind a gay-themed Taco Bell commercial is deepening, now that the fast-food giant denies producing the ad.  The 30-second commercial on YouTube features two men having breakfast at Taco Bell.  *The commercial is a bit unrealistic, everyone knows gay men only go to Taco Bell for brunch.  (Paul Dudley)

Archie Comics turns 75.  You can tell the gang from Riverdale is getting old.  They still drive around in the same VW bus.  *But now they leave on the turn signal.  (Alan Ray)

New Year’s Eve is Wednesday.  Drinking, dancing on the tables, loud music, and mosh pits.  *Or, as Johnny Manziel calls it, “Wednesday”.  (Alan Ray)

Screech stabbed a guy in a bar.  *“I’ll take “Seven words I never thought I would say” for $500, Alex.”  (Alex Kaseberg)

Florida woman died after she had a crack pipe and other items in her vagina. *Or as they call that in Florida: dying of natural causes.  (Alex Kaseberg)

New York City police began jailing anti-police demonstrators who assaulted them in the streets or threw things at them at street anti-cop protests. They'll spend a week at Riker's Island. *You know your New Year is off to a bad start when your New Year’s Eve kiss is with your cellmate Chuck.  (Argus Hamilton)

The NFL pronounced the first season of blood-testing players for Human Growth Hormone to be a success. It took NFL players three years to agree to blood-testing for HGH. *Professional athletes generally believe there is a time and place for blood-testing, and that's at their paternity tests.  (Argus Hamilton)

Britney Spears is performing at Planet Hollywood's new five-thousand-seat amphitheater in Las Vegas this holiday and she's selling out. She's being paid nineteen million dollars by the casino hotel to stage her shows. *This officially makes Britney Spears the highest paid mime artist of all time.  (Argus Hamilton)

Snow is forecast to blanket Las Vegas tonight for New Year’s Eve. *Which will provide a wonderful winter spectacle for the five people who spend their Las Vegas vacation anywhere other than in the casino, their hotel room or the buffet line.  (Jim Barach)

The new Cadillac CTS-V reportedly goes from 0 to 60 mph in 3.7 seconds. *Which is quite a bit faster than the 3.7 hours it takes for the average Cadillac owner to remember where they put their car keys.  (Jim Barach)

A study says that lying on Facebook causes people to be paranoid. *Although why would anyone be paranoid about a website that allows millions of perfect strangers to find out just about all of your personal information?  (Jim Barach)

Porsche is planning an all-electric car to compete with Tesla. It's a whole new market share for Porsche. *Nerds going through a mid-life crisis who live in the parents basement but still have a garage. (Bill Williams)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 12/30/14                
 
"The Hobbit" is still the favorite at the movie box office.  In its second weekend, the third and final film in the "Hobbit" trilogy, "The Battle of the Five Armies," pulled in more than 41-million-dollars. Meanwhile the PlayStation gaming network and Microsoft Xbox Live experienced outages over the weekend.  *It always helps a movie franchise when it’s biggest fans are stuck all weekend with nothing to do.  (Paul Dudley)

Quincy Acy of the New York Knicks was suspended one game for scuffling with Washington Wizard John Wall.  He will appeal. *He’s asking to be suspended 3 Knicks games. (Alan Ray)

Two men dressed as UPS drivers tried to rob Long Island home. Witnesses suspected these guys didn’t work there. *They made a fast getaway. (Alan Ray)

Tomorrow is New Year’s Eve. How do organizers prep to drop the ball in Times Square? *They throw it to a New York Jet. (Alan Ray) 

Aston Martin recalls 7,256 vehicles with overheating front seats. *Owners complained of getting shaken, stirred, and dry roasted. (Bill Williams)

An app in San Francisco gets you fresh-baked cookies delivered in less than 20 minutes. *As Tony Bennett would say, “I left my arteries in San Francisco.” (Bill Williams) 

Tesla came out with a new electric car on Christmas day called the Roadster 3.0 with a range of 400 miles. *Typical Christmas present though, batteries not included. (Bill Williams)

According to a recent survey, motorcycle sales to women are have gone up 17% over the past five years.  *Most female cyclists say they took up the sport thanks to gas prices, freeway congestion, and the convenience of drying their nail polish in 6.8 seconds. (Bob Mills)

“Unbroken,” Angelina Jolie’s look at the torment of battle through the eyes of Olympic athlete and prisoner of war Louis Zamperini, is getting good reviews from critics. No surprise here as Angelina is used to torture. *You ever tried to get eighteen adopted kids from twelve different countries who don’t speak English off to school in the morning? (Bob Mills)

KFC in Japan served a fried chicken dinner plus cake, cherry pie and champagne for Christmas dinner. Just imagine being an American in Tokyo eating this dinner ten thousand miles away from all your relatives. *Some days it seems like the wrong franchise copyrighted the Happy Meal.  (Argus Hamilton)

North Korea said its Internet was out for days in what was seen as U.S. retaliation for North Korea's hacking of Sony. The next day, they had more problems logging on. *North Koreans enjoy watching dog shows and cat videos on the web like everyone else, but theirs are hosted by Paula Deen.  (Argus Hamilton)

A McDonald's drive-thru cashier in Tennessee fainted when a customer returned to the window and pulled a gun on her after she forgot his Double Cheeseburger. *She's alright now and the cops are looking for the gunman. In the gunman's defense, she did forget his double cheeseburger.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Monday 12/29/14              
 
 
The NFL levied an $11,050 fine against Marshawn Lynch of the Seattle Seahawks. The league punished the running back for grabbing his crotch in an end zone celebration after a touchdown against the Arizona Cardinals.  *In his defense, at least it was his own crotch he was grabbing.  (Paul Dudley)

The Hollywood Reporter confirmed reports from the Kardashian family Sunday that Kardashian matriarch Kris Jenner and Olympic hero Bruce Jenner's divorce has been finalized. It's so sad. *We were all so looking forward to spending the rest of our lives watching Bruce and Kris grow younger together.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Los Angeles School System let kids out for two weeks without calling it Christmas vacation or Hanukkah in respect for secular objections . The assault on our founding culture never ends. *They teach schoolkids that nobody knows the exact birthday of Jesus because he refused to sign up for Facebook.  (Argus Hamilton)

Cleveland Browns rookie quarterback Johnny Manziel lost his second start in two weeks Sunday but he showed improvement over the week before. He adjusted better to defenses. *This past Sunday, Johnny Manziel got blitzed, but then he got back up, left the strip club and went straight to the game.  (Argus Hamilton)

Now it turns out the Oakland Raiders will not move to Los Angeles in 2015. So Los Angeles will not have an NFL team. Just like Oakland. (Alex Kaseberg)

The thing to remember about the Bill Cosby rape allegations is there are two sides to every story. But there are 23 sides to this story.  (Alex Kaseberg)

The Rolling Stones hinted at a tour in 2015. This will be the “Have I told this story before? Oh, hell, I’ll tell it again anyway” tour. (Alex Kaseberg)

In an attempt to stem a tide of red ink, McDonald’s is rolling out over 2000 “Create Your Taste” kiosks which serve up a sandwich combinations from an array of ingredients chosen on a computer screen within six to eight minutes. The new concept of fast food may take awhile for customers to accept. *Few of them could have dreamt that Ronald McDonald would someday be replaced by R2D2. (Bob Mills)

Haggen, an 18-store supermarket chain based in Bellingham, Washington has purchased 146 Vons, Albertson’s, and Safeway stores in Washington, Oregon and California for an aisle-popping $2 billion. *The deal was originally scheduled to conclude in 2017, but luckily the buyer spotted the “$3 billion or Less” line and got in it. (Bob Mills)

A new app allows fans of graphic novels to point their smart device or phone at a page to make the characters pop up and even provides background music and appropriate commentary. *And to make the experience even more like a movie, the app comes with a special attachment that converts your device into a popcorn maker. (Bob Mills)

TurboTax has come up with an app that allows people to file their returns with their phones. *The only question people have is whether they deduct the cost of repairing their car after running it into a tree while filling out their tax forms behind the wheel.  (Jim Barach)

Anheuser-Busch is set to launch a tequila flavored beer in the U.S. Apparently it is for people who like the sensation of drinking tequila but don’t like waking up wearing only a feather boa with a new thigh tattoo on someone’s lawn two states from home.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Friday 12/26/14                
 
Yesterday, KFC restaurants in Japan continued a tradition of offering customers a Christmas dinner, which includes chicken, wine, cake, and champagne.  That menu illustrates how people in Japan do things much differently.  *In this country, everyone gets drunk and then makes a run to KFC.  (Paul Dudley)

The CIA identified North Korea as the source of the hacking of Sony Studios in anger of over The Interview, which ridicules Kim Jung Un. The movie was released in theaters yesterday. Kim Jung Un is now the odds-on favorite to win the Academy Award for Best Animated Short.  (Argus Hamilton)

Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt announced he will produce a porn movie version of The Interview just to annoy North Korea's government. That really benefits nobody. *Porn gives young people an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly the plumber might come to your house.  (Argus Hamilton)

President Obama is in Hawaii on a two-week vacation where he will relax with his pals, play golf, watch a lot of football and basketball on TV and catch up on movies. Doesn't he ever like to change things around? *The idea of a vacation is to get away from your day-to-day routine. (Argus Hamilton)

Hailed by French critics as “brilliant” during creator Charles Shultz’s life, Peanuts is being dubbed into French and will be released as a film in 2015. *Aside from Snoopy demanding croissants and Brie instead of dog food, the only other Franco inspired change is the white flag Charlie Brown holds up while surrendering to Lucy after she pulls the football away.  (Bob Mills)

Originally scheduled for release during the reign of former New York mayor Michael Bloomberg, the anti-censorship documentary “Free the Nipple,” featuring topless girls on the streets of the Big Apple, was shelved until he was replaced. With good reason. *The former mayor had vowed to ban the public display of breasts holding more that 16 ounces.  (Bob Mills)

Clint Eastwood’s wife officially divorced him this week after 18-years of marriage. *She had no specific complaint, just that he was dirty, hairy, and no longer made her day. (Bill Williams)

A study done by the British Medical Journal claims at least half of Dr. Oz’s medical advice is bogus. *Brush after every meal, Phooey!! (Bill Williams)

A report says that San Antonio is ready to make a pitch to have the Oakland Raiders move there. *What better place for the Raiders than San Antonio where the oddsmakers still have them rated slight favorites over the results of the Alamo.  (Jim Barach)

Mark Zuckerberg says that in five years Facebook will be mostly videos. *Which means we will now be able to see our friends completely wolf down what they ordered for breakfast at IHOP.  (Jim Barach)

A new headset can reportedly use brainwaves to record a person’s dreams. *Which is not a bad idea until the user’s wife sees that all his dreams are about Jessica Alba.  (Jim Barach)

A robotic butler can reportedly be programmed to put away dishes from a dishwasher. *Or as bachelors call that, throwing away the dirty paper plates. (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 12/25/14              
 
 
Next year, Iowa will become the first state to offer residents an app that allows them to use smartphones as their driver's license. *For anyone interested in getting one, the license will look the same, work the same, and just like your regular license, the picture on the front will look like you just woke up. (Paul Dudley)

Wal-Mart is accused of selling used underwear. But were confident they had never been worn. *Paris Hilton returned them. (Bill Williams)

This year I’m giving the wife a real bang-up Christmas present. *A ticket to “The Interview.” (Bill Williams)

Since Santa stops in Colorado before hitting my state, *Last night I left out milk, cookies and Doritos. (Bill Williams)

Kris and Bruce Jenner finalized their divorce. It’s a brokered deal. She gets the house. *He gets full custody of their plastic surgeon. (Alan Ray) 

Lions center Dominic Raiola suspended for stomping Chicago Bear. Bears fans didn’t notice. *Most opponents walked all over them this season. (Alan Ray) 

It's Christmas! The story of 3 wise men who travel afar symbolic. *It’s another example of guys waiting ‘til the last minute to get gifts. (Alan Ray)

Apple CEO Tim Cook is reported to be “deeply offended” by an expose that claims child assemblers of iPhones at a factory near Shanghai work 12 hour shifts and often sleep beside their work stations. The spokesman points out that remaining on the factory premises is a part of an employee “Sleepover Program.”  *And he continued, “You know how teens love sleepovers.”  (Bob Mills)

Sony released of the movie “The Interview.” into theaters and the internet Wednesday.  *It looks like Santa gave Sony a pair of testicles for Christmas. (Alex Kaseberg)

Florida woman offers to trade a pizza delivery van to a hitman to whack her husband. *But only if he delivers the hit in 30 minutes or less.  (Alex Kaseberg)

The economy in Russia is so bad, *Putin is going to sell Crimea back to Crimea.   (Alex Kaseberg

“Toy Story 4” has been announced to come out some time in 2017. *Which is ironic in that it is another sequel to the original that came out in 1995, which was long enough before the digital age that kids actually still played with toys. (Jim Barach)


The Funny Firm - Wednesday 12/24/14                
 
AMC’s Walking Dead producers announced they will spin off a new series called Walking Dead: Los Angeles in which brain dead zombies roam the streets of LA.  Don’t we already have  a TV show like this?  *It’s called Keeping up With the Kardashians.  (Mark Wheeler)

Donald Trump told Fox news that he's very seriously considering running for the GOP nomination for president. Polling can be deceptive at this point. One poll shows Donald Trump with a sixty percent approval rating, but it's actually a thirty percent approval rating that he combed over.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Bank of Russia increased interest rates to seventeen percent to protect the ruble due to plummeting oil prices. They're counter-attacking against U.S. sanctions. Russia just ordered McDonald's to post the calorie count on all menu items and they forced Cinnabon to post its death toll.  (Argus Hamilton)

Santa Claus sat in a Cadillac convertible in the Hollywood Christmas parade. Santa's the most talked-about guy Tinseltown. He sees us when we're sleeping, he knows when we're awake, he knows when we've been bad or good, and we're pretty sure his workshop is in North Korea.  (Argus Hamilton)

A 103 year old Florida golfer shot a hole in one. Scoring his game is a delicate matter. *Never say “you’re 6 under” to someone that age.  (Alan Ray)

“Into the Woods” opens. Little Red Riding Hood has to beware of big bad wolf. *You never can tell when she’s going to run into Bill Cosby.  (Alan Ray)

Thursday is Christmas. Exchanging gifts symbolic of day. *Nothing says “Happy Birthday Jesus” like the latest version of World of Warcraft.  (Alan Ray)

Remember the TV show “Entourage”? Well they’re making a movie of it. *Great, where are the North Korean hackers when you really need them?  (Alex Kaseberg)

Pope Francis told a group of Catholic bishops visiting the Vatican that he partnered with U.S. President Barack Obama to open relations with Cuba as a step toward world peace rather than continued isolation of a Communist regime. *Later, however, he confided to reporters that he also needs parts for his 1947 Buick Roadmaster.  (Bob Mills)

On Saturday night they lit the National Christmas Tree. This year the tree was dedicated to the U.S. Congress. *It was lit with some really dim bulbs. (Bill Williams)

A robot has been developed that can create in people the uncomfortable sensation that someone is standing behind them. The ability to do that has been around for years. *It is called your boss.  (Jim Barach)

A study says that a “longevity gene” is one key to a long life. *The other is to not sit around all day reading studies on how to live longer.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 12/23/14              
 
 
Dr. Oz is dishing out bunk medical advice about half the time.  A new study shows half the advice offered by the celebrity television doctor lacks verifiable evidence of health benefits.   Dr. Oz is wrong 50 percent of the time.  *In the words of anyone who follows medical advice from a celebrity TV doctor would say, I like those odds.  (Paul Dudley)

North Korea’s entire Internet went down yesterday. *This is horrible news for the people in North Korea who own computers, all seven of them.

The economy is Russia is doing badly. How bad is it doing? *Putin is losing the shirt he isn’t wearing.  (Alex Kaseberg)

College bowl games begin.  The talented athletes who appear in the Popeye’s Bahamas Bowl are there for a reason.  *They don’t eat Popeye’s.  (Alan Ray)

Michael Phelps received probation for his second DUI conviction.  He doesn’t train in the U.S. anymore.  *He now goes to a Canadian Club.  (Alan Ray)

Thai Union Foods is buying Bumble Bee tuna for $1.5 Billion.  It should have cost $1 billion dollars.  *But the purchasers forgot their coupon.  (Alan Ray)

Cuba and the U.S. have normalized relations after 54 years. They gave back our spy, we gave back their spy. But it’s more than that. *Obama’s always wanted a 53 Chevy. (Bill Williams)

Joe Biden emceed a Hanukkah ceremony on the South Lawn of the White House last week and he performed the first of eight nightly candle-lightings of the National Menorah. The ceremony is an ancient ritual. *Hanukkah lasts for eight days, unlike Christmas, which lasts for three and a half months. (Argus Hamilton)

AMC’s Walking Dead producers announced they will spin off a new series called Walking Dead: Los Angeles in which the zombies roam the streets of LA. They will be very easy to spot in that town. *The zombies will do two things that people in Los Angeles would never do, walk and eat meat. (Argus Hamilton)

North Korea computer hackers stopped the movie The Interview from being released Christmas Day by threatening terror attacks on its theaters. The movie makes fun of Kim Jung Un. To celebrate, Kim Jung Un had himself promoted to North Korea's highest military rank, five-foot-two.  (Argus Hamilton)

A study says that people should not tell their friends the details of the vacation they just took. *Mostly because they are probably already tired of looking at each of the 500 vacation photos they have downloaded onto all their friends’ Facebook pages.  (Jim Barach)

A study says that 75% of people say they still text while they drive. *The other 25% are still picking the splinters out of their face after running their car into a tree while they were busy texting.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Monday 12/22/14                
 
The Kris and Bruce Jenner divorce was made official last week.  It’s an interesting relationship.  *They both still eat dinner together, they both spend time together with the family, and they both love shopping for clothes at Chico’s . (Mark Wheeler)

Sony axed “The Interview”. It raises a question about theater paranoia. *If Regal is worried about bombs, why did they run “Jack and Jill”? (Alan Ray)

U.S. to normalize relations with Cuba. Win-win for both. *Cuba gets much-needed trade partner. U.S. gets host of left-handed pitching.  (Alan Ray)

Christmas is near. Joseph and Mary traveled from Nazareth to Bethlehem to have the baby Jesus. *It was decreed by Joseph’s HMO.  (Alan Ray)

More on the Sony hacking scandal. *They leaked the script for Liam Neeson’s “Taken 6: Hostages at the Assisted Living Facility.”   (Alex Kaseberg)

Sony gave in to hackers and cancelled the release of “The Interview.” *Apparently Sony is an acronym for Surrender to Online Nerds Yesterday.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Lindsay Lohan says she will live in London permanently now that she's acting onstage there and successfully staying sober. She says policemen even walk her home from the theater. *The weirdest feeling in early sobriety is the realization that you and the cops are on the same side now.  (Argus Hamilton)

Pope Francis was serenaded by a street party outside the Vatican in Rome on the occasion of his seventy-eighth birthday. The pope worked his way through Catholic seminary as a bouncer in a Buenos Aires disco back in the Sixties. *Now every Monday night in heaven is Ladies Night. (Argus Hamilton)

Washington D.C. emergency crews had to be called to restore power last week after a huge power blackout hit government buildings including the State Department during working hours. The offices were dark for two hours. *Government workers sat idly doing nothing, and then the electricity went out.  (Argus Hamilton)

The natural look is back, shaving your pubic hair is out say Hollywood stylists. *This is bad news for Donald Trump who’s been pasting it on his head. (Bill Williams)

Researchers say they have been successful with brain to brain communication, where one person can control another’s movements with their thoughts. That’s been around for years. *Just ask any man who has forgotten his wife’s birthday and knows without being told he will be sleeping on the couch.  (Jim Barach)

The Post Office says it will deliver seven days a week during the holidays. *Which means people have a much better chance this year of getting the package they were shipped just days before Christmas. In 2004.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Friday 12/19/14               
 
 
The U.S. Postal Service says yesterday was the busiest day for package delivery of the holiday season. Monday was the biggest mailing day of the holidays.  *The Postal Service says this Saturday is the deadline to send holiday mail to be sure it will be lost by Christmas Day. (Paul Dudley)

Christmas week away. Biblical scholars discuss why Joseph and Mary stayed in stable that night in Bethlehem. *Alternative was her parents. (Alan Ray)

British Royal Family released holiday photos. They all stand around that centuries old English symbol of the holidays. *Queen Elizabeth. (Alan Ray)

Ringo Starr Rock Hall of Fame. You can he’s has aged. *He still gets “by with a little help from his friends”, but now he’s referring to Metamucil.  (Alan Ray)

Ryan Seacrest broke up with his girlfriend, Shayna Taylor. *They decided they wanted to pretend to date other people. (Alex Kaseberg)

Eighty-year-old murderer, Charles Manson, married his 26-year-old finance. *To get them a gift, they are registered at Bed, Bath and Bonkers.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Camille Cosby defended Bill Cosby Monday, saying the media should vet her husband's accusers’ backgrounds. There are twenty-one of them. *If you're Camille Cosby, you know it's bad when you're in news the same week as the woman who married Charles Manson and you're considered the enabler.  (Argus Hamilton)

London's Daily Mail warned readers not to use Hollywood stars as role models in relationships, reminding them that romantic comedies are fantasies. Their lure is irresistible to both sexes. *Men spend their entire lives trying to get women to love them the way women in commercials love yogurt.  (Argus Hamilton)

Sony Studios computers were hacked by North Koreans angry over the movie The Interview that makes fun of Kim Jung Un. It makes sense. *Kim Jung Un's CIA profile says that when Kim was a kid, he wanted to be an actor, but it's difficult to do dinner theater in a country where there's no theater and no dinner.  (Argus Hamilton)

Kathie Lee Gifford says Bill Cosby once tried to kiss her. Out of desperation! *It was the only way to shut her up. (Bill Williams)

Turns out North Korea is the one that hacked into Sony. *Payback for dumping Betamax on them in the 70’s. (Bill Williams)

A 9,000 year old mummified bison has been discovered. *It will be examined by researchers and then given back to where it was found, on the buffet table at a local Sizzler.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 12/18/14                
 
Lindsay Lohan says she wants to move to London permanently.  She fits right in.  *She loves going to British football matches knowing that she's the least drunk person there. (Paul Dudley)

Lindsay Lohan is living in London and says it’s the best thing she’s ever done. *She’s saving a fortune on drugs, alcohol and toothpaste. (Bill Williams)

Miss South Africa is the new Miss World 2014. Her goal in life is to end world hunger. *But first, “I’m going to Disney World!” (Bill Williams)

North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un says “The Interview“ makes fun of him and has declared war on the U.S. We are not worried. *Some day he’s going to want Jenny Craig. (Bill Williams)

Kourtney Kardashian has given birth to her third child.  While she was pregnant, she didn’t know the gender.  *But enough about Bruce Jenner.  (Alan Ray)

A third “Night at the Museum” movie is out.  Once again, old relics come alive for a few hours.  *It’s like watching the New York Giants.  (Alan Ray)

The Cleveland Browns are out of the playoff picture. *At FirstEnergy Stadium, they now sell a candy named after Johnny Manziel. Milk Duds.

Can't wait to see Liam Neeson's *"Taken 3: Maybe You Should Work On Your People Skills."  (Alex Kaseberg)

Can’t wait to see the latest Liam Neeson “Taken” movie. *This one is called; “Taken 3: I think your family is trying to tell you something.” (Alex Kaseberg)

According to a report from the American Hotel and Lodging Association, only 58% of hotels offer free newspapers, 12% offer DVD players, and 7% offer mini-bars. *On the upside, 80% of them now have flat screen TVs, 89% offer free wi-fi and 46% offer complementary hookers.  (Bob Mills)

Delta and American Airlines are in a wingtip-to-wingtip battle to gain an advantage attracting the upscale First Class passenger. *Along with plusher seats, American will offer a walk-up bar in its long haul 777s and Delta will authorize First Class passengers to use an obese passenger in Tourist as an emergency flotation device in the event of a water landing. (Bob Mills)

Charles Manson married his twenty-six-year-old Los Angeles fiancée named Star last weekend in California state prison. She showed off her wedding ring to photographers on Sunday. *The weird thing about marrying Charles Manson is that for the rest of your life, you'll be known as the crazy one.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 12/17/14              
 
 
Last week, Malala Yousafzai and Kailash Satyarthi were presented with the Nobel Peace Prize. *They're either Nobel prize winners or a random collection of unused Scrabble tiles. (Paul Dudley)

TLC is launching a late night talk show “All About Sex”. Married couples will identify with sexual nature of show. *It’s pretty much all talk. (Alan Ray)

Sacramento Kings fired head coach Mike Malone. Players are reacting to the news the way they do a clutch free throw. *They miss him badly. (Alan Ray) 

There are only two types of dudes. *Those who, at the Christmas party, will stick mistletoe on their belt and those who won't. (Alex Kaseberg) 

Psychedelic mushrooms were found growing at Buckingham Palace. *They thought Prince Charles’s ears looked big before? (Alex Kaseberg) 

“The Nutcracker Suite” is a Christmas musical...*not the name of Gloria Allred’s law office. (Alex Kaseberg)

The American Medical Association published a study predicting that forty percent of Americans will be morbidly obese within the next fifteen years. They say the symptoms creep up on you. *You might be morbidly obese if you go horseback riding and then afterwards, they have to shoot the horse.  (Argus Hamilton)

Angelina Jolie admitted on Fox News she may run for political office after her movie career. She looks good. *Last month Angelina made a televised plea for the children of Africa, and within a few days the children of Africa pooled their resources and Angelina is finally getting the nutrition she needs. (Argus Hamilton)

Modern Health published an obesity study warning that fifty percent of Americans will be obese in twenty years if Americans don't change their eating habits. Half that number will be morbidly obese. *The good news is, we'll be a lot easier to spot by satellite if we get lost in the woods.  (Argus Hamilton)

A house in Flint, Michigan sold for $188. *What’s even worse is that it comes with a fixer upper kit that consists of a can of gasoline and a book of matches.  (Jim Barach)

China has approved a $113 Billion infrastructure project. *If you think we have infrastructure problems in the U.S., they have one wall over there that has been in need of repair for nearly 2,000 years. (Jim Barach)

The adult film industry is urging Google to help fight porn piracy. *Although when most people think of porn and pirates, they usually think about movies where an eye patch is pretty much all that anyone is wearing. (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 12/16/14                
 
Last week Apple stores in China held free computer programming classes for children. *The Apple store employees showed the Chinese children how to program Apple products, while the Chinese children showed the Apple store employees how to make Apple products. (Paul Dudley)

Las Vegas hosted an alcohol and drug recovery convention at the Tuscany Hotel and Casino recently. The city is all heart. *At every ATM in Las Vegas is a sign that gives you a number to dial if you have a gambling problem, for instance, you have an ace and a six and you don't know what to do. (Argus Hamilton) 

The Cleveland Browns started Johnny Manziel at quarterback on Sunday. The approaching NFL playoffs as well as college playoffs have men in a trance this time of year. *Football is the hot girlfriend who is just waiting until after the holidays to dump you. (Argus Hamilton) 

North Dakota shale oil abundance caused oil prices to fall to sixty dollars a barrel and could cause the fall of Russia's, Iran's and Saudi Arabia's economies. There's nothing they can do about it. *North Dakota's where we put all our missiles because we thought there was nothing up there. (Argus Hamilton)

Taylor Swift celebrated a birthday on stage.  Her cake had 25 candles on it.  *One for each ex-boyfriend.  (Alan Ray)

A tornado touched down near Los Angeles.  Talk about weird wind shifts.  *A Laker jump shot actually went in the basket.  (Alan Ray)

Christmas Eve is coming.  Santa Claus will  make 80 million stops on December 24.  *His flight training was with Southwest.  (Alan Ray)

A company called Bluesmart is marketing a line of carry-on luggage that contains a built-in battery to recharge electronic devices in flight. It also features a small readout screen that automatically calculates and posts the airline’s charge and rates it. *"Unreasonable," "Unconscionable" or "Outrageous."   (Bob Mills)

The world’s largest container ship, the CSCL Globe, which is 1312 feet long, 192 feet wide, and has cargo space equaling four soccer fields, is currently completing its maiden voyage and shakedown cruise from the port of Shanghai, China to London, England. *It was launched last Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.  (Bob Mills)

North Korea has no Internet. You know what that means? *No Grumpy Cat. (Bill Williams)

Nominations for the Golden Globe and Screen Actors Guild awards are out. *And for those stars who have fallen a little in popularity, the SAGGYS. (Bill Williams)

Ralph H. Baer, father of video games died at age 92. *As usual girls were invited to his funeral, but as usual none came. (Bill Williams)

The Funny Firm - Monday 12/15/14              
 
 
A massive storm hit Southern California on Friday. Hillsides in Malibu slid into the ocean, there were hundreds of accidents on the freeways. *Then the storm arrived. (Paul Dudley)

Studies on the human eye conducted at the Jules Stein Eye Institute have established that the pupil expands up to 45% when the subject is observing something “pleasing to the eye.” *When the phenomenon is observed in male patients, ophthalmologists label it the “38 Double D.” (Bob Mills)

A longtime customer sued the Plush Salon in Woodland Hills, California claiming they served her a marijuana-laden Christmas cookie. *Her suit alleges that she experienced hallucinations, confusion, and an overwhelming urge to put on a headband, beads and sing “On the Road Again.” (Bob Mills)

A theater in Khimki, Russia hired IKEA to design and install beds to replace the seats which had been removed. *Movie goers seem to enjoy the new beds although several complained that, unless you arrive early, it’s difficult to assemble them in the dark.  (Bob Mills)

McDonalds is going to trim 8 items off menu. The fast food chain plans to keep its popular cold entrees. *McFlurries, McShakes, French fries. (Alan Ray)

Jon Lester has signed with the Chicago Cubs. He likes the perks of that organization. *Vacation begins October first.  (Alan Ray)

Exodus: Gods and Kings opened Friday starring Christian Bale as Moses, who leads the Israelites from Egypt. Bible movies always do well. *Theater owners make more money on Moses movies than Jesus movies because during Jesus movies the theater is able to feed the entire crowd on one box of popcorn. (Argus Hamilton) 

United Health Foundation released its annual fitness survey of states Monday which found that Hawaii has the fittest people in the United States. The South had seven states listed as least fit. *The most obese state is Mississippi, which makes sense, because Mississippi's state bird is the fried chicken.  (Argus Hamilton) 

A McDonald's in Switzerland accidentally showed a porn movie to its customers on the restaurant's video screen instead of a local sports show. Reaction was swift. *Three of the McDonald's customers walked right up to the cashier and asked if the Happy Ending comes with fries.  (Argus Hamilton) 

Ralph Baer, developer of the first home video game in 1969 died at the age of 92. *He’ll be buried with honors in his parent’s basement. (Bill Williams)

A study says that older adults should break their sedentary behavior by getting up nine times for every hour they are sitting. *Otherwise known to men over 60 as having to go try to pee again.  (Jim Barach)

A new startup is building sensors that analyze users’ sweat to track their health. *Apparently the best time to use it to get maximum sweat is right when the person opens up their monthly 401(k) statement.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Friday 12/12/14                
 
A man at a Sheepshead Bay, New York TGI Friday's was hit in the face by mistletoe drone.  Employees were flying the drone around the restaurant trying to get people to kiss.  *Who has the bad judgment…the employees, or the guy who decided to actually eat at TGI Friday’s?  (Paul Dudley)

Some of the CIA torture techniques were invented by true sadists: *Time Warner Customer Service Representatives.  (Alex Kaseberg)

The rumor is, at a club in Miami, Miley Cyrus made-out with Paris Hilton. *Now when Miley sticks out her tongue it’s to check for sores.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Johnnie Walker and Harris Tweed Hebrides have made a fabric that permanently smells o whisky. *They made a shirt. *It’s called “The DUI shirt.  (Alex Kaseberg)

The United States is accusing Deutsche Bank of tax fraud. This global financial service has deep pockets. *They easily fit several hundred politicians.  (Alan Ray)

Johnny Manziel will start for the Cleveland Browns on Sunday. This season he has set a bar for himself. *And that bar is TGI Fridays. (Alan Ray)

NFL scouts say college players in this spring's draft will be scrutinized as much for their character as their talent to improve the NFL image. Last spring the Baltimore Ravens traded up in the NFL draft. *They swapped a guy who gets out of jail in a year for a guy who gets out of jail in six months.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Baltimore Sun reported al-Qaeda prisoners in Guantanamo under interrogation only began yielding intel when they were given Happy Meals, Taco Bell tacos and Twinkies. Makes sense. *Forget bamboo slits under fingernails and waterboarding, no prisoner can withstand the American way of life.  (Argus Hamilton)

Men's Health published a survey in its December issue saying that Madison, Wisconsin, is the city whose residents have the healthiest teeth in the United States. They have a secret. *The dentists in Madison, Wisconsin, say wearing cheese on your head instead of chewing it really cuts down on cavities.  (Argus Hamilton)

A Picasso painting was stolen from an art show in Florida. *Police are looking for someone blue, period. (Bill Williams)

A thief snuck into a medical research laboratory on the campus of the University of Texas and made off with over 100 human brains being dissected for a study on dementia. *Austin police issued an all-points-bulletin to be on the lookout for a suspect who’s armed, dangerous and has an IQ of 6,834. (Bob Mills)

A report says that 50% of today’s occupations will no longer exist by 2025. *Which most people would be fine with as long as the half that are gone include politicians, TV evangelists and telephone marketers.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 12/11/14              
 
 
The University of Texas is looking for the culprit who made off with 100 human brains. A psychology professor tells the "Austin American-Statesman" the brains were supposed to be used for research purposes.  *Officials are taking the matter seriously, but say it's nothing to lose your head over. (Paul Dudley)

Madison Bumgarner is the Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year. Talk about command on the mound. *He’s handcuffed more opponents than the CIA. (Alan Ray)

NFL to issue fines for a brawl during Saints-Panthers game. It could be upwards of $10,000. *Cited players will have to pay for parking. (Alan Ray)

A report says the number of toy related injuries is up. Choking seems to biggest problem. *Kids are now playing cops and unarmed citizens. (Alan Ray)

A woman gave birth on a Southwest flight from S.F. *When her water broke, the airline charger her for having more than 3.4 ounces of liquid. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Victoria Secret Fashion featured a diamond-encrusted bra worth a million. *I cannot get excited about any underwear described as encrusted. (Alex Kaseberg) 

When cash registers in November failed to jingle with their usual vigor, McDonald’s fourth quarter earnings took a 4.13% dive taking the fast food giant’s stock price with them. Talk about eating crow. *That sign out front now reads “Five billion not Sold.”  (Bob Mills)

TGI Friday's in Great Britain began flying small drone aircraft laden with mistletoe inside their restaurants to encourage women to get romantic and kiss their dates whenever the mistletoe hovers over them. That's a bit old-fashioned for America's bar scene. *Bill Cosby says mistletoe is for amateurs.  (Argus Hamilton)

A California police dog is back on duty in El Cerrito after the German Shepherd inhaled a quantity of cocaine during a vehicle search. The dog is fine. *The cops knew something was wrong back at the station when they saw the other police dogs sniffing under his tail with rolled-up twenties.  (Argus Hamilton)

A study says that insects grew the first wings 400 Million years ago. *The results came about when it was discovered the first flyswatter was invented 399.9 Million years ago.  (Jim Barach)

A report says that theater chains around the country are boosting their bottom line by offering alcoholic drinks during movies. *Which finally explains how some people are actually able to sit through an entire Adam Sandler film.  (Jim Barach)

Video game companies have announced The Game Awards to honor achievements in gaming. *The sad part is that all the acceptance speeches will pretty much be the winners thanking their parents for letting them live in their basement.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 12/10/14                
 
Super Bowl advertisers are already working to score points with viewers.  Dorito's is putting out its annual call for ad concepts, and Go Daddy is picking a puppy to appear in its Super Bowl ad alongside NASCAR driver Danica Patrick.  *For the Oakland Raiders, it's a sneak peak at what will be on their TV when they're watching the Super Bowl at home.  (Paul Dudley)

The winner of the Heisman trophy will be announced December 13.  Oregon’s Marcus Mariota has incredible stats.  *He scores more times on a football field than a Kardashian.  (Alan Ray)

“Mockingjay – Part 1” remains tops at the box office.  The Capitol threatens Katniss Everdeen with the ultimate weapon.  *Bill Cosby.  (Alan Ray)

Due to popular demand, General Mills is bringing back French Toast Crunch cereal after an 8-year absence. *Thank you, legalized marijuana.  (Alex Kaseberg)

A Fight broke out at the Oakland Raiders upset of the San Francisco Niners on Sunday. *They could not agree on which team sucked and which team stunk.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Christmas shopping is tough but I finally found what my tweener daughter’s been hinting at all year. *Whatever. (Bill Williams) 

Prince William and his wife Kate Middleton traveled to New York City last weekend. *The prince, famous for his baldness, wanted to see Donald Trump’s hair museum. (Bill Williams) 

For the first time since 2005, more applicants failed the California Bar exam than failed. Industry analysts aren’t blaming fly-by-night laws schools, though. *They attribute the decline to law school graduates watching “Shark Tank” instead of studying.  (Bob Mills)

The massive attack on Sony Pictures’ computer system has been traced to Kim Jong Un, of North Korea who called Seth Rogan’s “The Interview” which parodies an assassination attempt on the Korean leader, “an act of war.” *On a brighter note for Kim, he’ll receive a special Oscar for “The Most Effective Film Marketing Campaign” in the history of Hollywood. (Bob Mills)

Bravo and E! have joined TNT, USA and AMC in producing shows using scripted material and starring many many former realty stars. The changeover would have happened much sooner but the networks needed time to teach the former reality stars how to read. (Bob Mills)

Sony Studios was computer attacked with malware by North Korea under the orders of Kim Jung Un over Sony's new movie comedy The Interview, in which the plot is to kill Kim. North Korea is safe from reprisal. *We already attacked them with Dennis Rodman but they returned fire and sent him back. (Argus Hamilton)

Pope Francis carried a lamb to the Vatican Nativity Scene which the pontiff visited outside St. Paul's Basilica in Rome as the children's choirs sang carols. It's a sacred tableau worldwide. The Nativity Scene outside the Beverly Hills Courthouse shows six lawyers standing around a car wreck.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 12/9/14              
 
 
The trailer for the new "Terminator" movie was released last week. Arnold Schwarzenegger once again stars in it.   *In this one he goes back in time to make sure he doesn't get caught with the maid.  (Paul Dudley)

A Picasso work was stolen from a Miami art show.  Cops issued an APB.  *The suspects are considered armed and extremely surrealist.  (Alan Ray)

North Korea hacked Sony Pictures.  Actually, two entities are somewhat alike.  North Korea has the bomb.  *Sony Pictures has “Jack and Jill”.  (Alan Ray)

Christmas approaches.  Why doesn’t Camille Cosby have a decorated tree at her house?  *Because Bill will attack anything in a skirt.  (Alan Ray)

Caltech has made Einstein’s books containing his theories and correspondence free online. *According to a Caltech spokesman, “E equals MC squared dot com will provide users an opportunity to learn the theory of relativity the same way E Harmony dot com encourages them to create new relatives.”  (Bob Mills)

The Minnesota State Legislature has authorized schools to offer their students to self identify their gender -- male, female or transgender -- before the start of the 2015 school year. *First school to take advantage of the new option was Bruce Jenner Junior High in Duluth.  (Bob Mills)

A Brooklyn artist is starting a new company that will manufacture "pizza beds" with tomato sauce sheets, pepperoni and cheese blankets and breaded pillows. *Twin and King sizes will sell for $150-200 and buyers in a romantic mood may order the "bedmate" option which provides your choice of Chuckie Cheese, Papa John or Lil’ Caesar.  (Bob Mills)

Bill Cosby resigns from Temple University trustees. *Also, Temple has cancelled workshop titled “Better dating through chemicals.” (Alex Kaseberg) 

The IMF, the International Monetary Fund, says America is no longer the world’s largest economy. China is number one. *They know this because the Forbidden City is now open on Sunday. (Bill Williams)

Starbucks raised prices again, mainly to pay for their biggest store ever, a 15,000 square foot place in Seattle. *Which prompted economists to complain, “What this country needs is a good five dollar cup of coffee.” (Bill Williams)

Hollywood executives denounced North Korea's attack on Sony Studios in reprisal for the movie The Interview that lampoons Kim Jung Un. The town did not see this coming. *Ashton Carter was named Secretary of Defense Monday and ninety percent of Los Angeles thinks he was replacing Charlie Sheen. (Argus Hamilton)

Terminator: Genesis starring Arnold Schwarzenegger released its poster and the movie trailer. Arnold went back to being a movie star since he cannot be elected U.S. president because he wasn't born in America. *We all knows what happens when an Austrian takes over a foreign country.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Monday 12/8/14                
 
According to a new report, parents are naming their babies after characters from their favorite television shows. I'm glad my parents didn't do that. *It would be kind of tough going through life known as The Fonz. (Mark Wheeler)

The City of Provo, Utah has officially snatched the Guinness title of “World’s Largest Nativity Scene” from the city of Ipswich, England by fielding 1,039 costumed participants, not including the camels, goats and sheep. Took a bit of a stretch, though. *The baby Jesus is played by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.  (Bob Mills) 

The new Bond movie “Specter” will feature an updated version of the Aston Martin which Bond first drove in “Goldfinger.”  *Much more technically advanced than the original DB 5 which spewed oil slicks and nails to discourage pursuers from Specter, the DB 10 hacks into their GPS system with erroneous directions which seem absolutely accurate. (Bob Mills) 

Disney is launching an iPad app designed for children with names like “Mickey’s Magical Math World,” Minnie’s Robot Count Along” and “Goofy’s Silly Sorting.”  *If successful, the “Imagicademy” will offer more advanced versions like “Scrooge McDuck’s Padding Disney Movie Box Office Receipts.”  (Bob Mills) 

U.S. News and World Report published a study of successful diets and concluded that the Atkins Diet is the most effective. The Atkins weight-loss snacks are so popular that the Catholic Church approved a low-carb, low-calorie communion wafer last week. *It's called I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus.  (Argus Hamilton)

The U.S. national debt passed eighteen trillion dollars last week, setting an all-time record. This explains why the U.S. birth rates are so low despite the U.S. pregnancy rate being so high. *On the date of their birth, the babies see the amount of money they are going to owe and they refuse to come out.  (Argus Hamilton)

USA Today published a U.N. opium survey Tuesday which revealed that Afghanistan's poppy crop harvest was their second-largest in recorded history. The poppy flower is made into opium and then into heroin. *The highly addictive drug has a hundred million users worldwide, second only to Facebook.  (Argus Hamilton)

Lady Gaga has bought a home in Malibu for $22 million. The plumbing in there is like her music. *It runs hot and cold. (Alan Ross)

Belgium’s first cat bar has opened in Brussels. Felines leisurely roam from table to table. *At Chili’s, that’s called “a server”. (Alan Ross)

Christmas is less than 3 weeks away. Why does Santa Claus deliver toys in a sleigh with 8 tiny reindeer? *His other option is UPS.  (Alan Ross)

A report says Justin Bieber is reportedly going through anger management classes and community service to serve out his sentence for egging a neighbor’s house. *His community service apparently involves helping work in a shelter kitchen just as long as he isn’t allowed near the omelet bar.  (Jim Barach)

Sharon Osbourne says that “The Osbournes” will be coming back to TV. *Mostly because the show has been off the air for 13 years and Ozzy has finally come down from whatever he was taking while it was on.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Friday 12/5/14              
 
 
Google has reportedly signed a 60 year lease from the Navy for a dirigible hanger in Silicon Valley. *Apparently Google is going to party like it's 1929. (Mark Wheeler) 

Mudslides threatened Southern California this week. What’s most common expression in the exclusive Malibu area? *“Well, there goes the neighborhood.”  (Alan Ray)

“Wild” opens in theaters. A woman camps along Pacific Crest. She sleeps in dirty, uncomfortable surroundings. *It’s the last time she books Days Inn.  (Alan Ray)

Outfielder Nelson Cruz has signed a $57 million deal with the Seattle Mariners. *He’s led the Majors in several categories. RBI, OBP, HGH.  (Alan Ray)

Frenchman claims he invented a pill that makes passed gas smell better. *Now if he could only make a pill that makes a Frenchman smell better. (Alex Kaseberg)

A brother and sister in Minneapolis who have opened the first Vegan butcher shop. *It is right next to the celibate brothel.  (Alex Kaseberg)

New Hampshire Police airplane clocked a 19-year-old male driving 127 MPH. *He told the cops he just washed the Vette and couldn’t do a thing with it. (Bill Williams)

Walking Dead's season finale set ratings records for AMC with a huge number of young viewers. It's begun affecting electoral politics. *Americans are no longer worried about Russia and China, the polls now ask which candidate would you trust to be president during a Zombie Apocalypse.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Weather Channel aired footage of torrential rainstorms lashing Los Angeles that loosened steep hillsides and propelled huge boulders to roll down onto Pacific Coast Highway. Contrary to popular misperception, Los Angeles has four seasons. *They are earthquake, mudslides, verdict and riots.  (Argus Hamilton)

Iran's government announced it'll start awarding gold coins to couples who have babies to try to increase Iran's population. The Supreme Leader wants to double Iran's population to one hundred fifty million. If he really wants to increase pregnancies, he should start by legalizing alcohol over there.  (Argus Hamilton)

Shareholders at Microsoft approved an $84 million pay package for their new CEO Satya Nadella  whose performance since February has resulted in a 30% rise in the firm’s stock price. *And if that weren’t enough, they presented him with a Christmas bonus, a new $9,600 Apple Mac-Pro laptop.  (Bob Mills)

Pizza Hut is trying to spice up its menu with items that include Sriracha, ginger and curry. *Another way they could try to change the way people think of them is to not name themselves after a hut.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 12/4/14                
 
Parenting website BabyCenter says Sophia and Jackson are the most popular names for girls and boys born this year. The website also lists the most surprising baby names, which include handles such as Amore, Rhythm, Finnick, and Zeppelin. *This can mean only one thing...Bruce Wills and Demi Moore are back together again and naming children. (Mark Wheeler)

Olympic gold medal swimmer Michael Phelps is out of drug rehab for alcohol and marijuana addiction. He's got two choices. Go back to the breast stroke. *Or move to Colorado. (Bill Williams)

“Jersey Shore” star, Snooki got married. Pope “Love Everyone” Francis didn’t  attend. *You gotta have limits somewhere. (Bill Williams)

Dale Scott, an MLB umpire, announced that he's gay. It should have been obvious. *After every home plate slide he called, "I'm out!” (Bill Williams)

House Republicans were reported considering disinviting President Obama from giving his State of the Union speech in the House Chamber in January. What a shame. *This is the speech where the president opens up by saying the State of the Union is strong, and it's the biggest laugh he gets all year.  (Argus Hamilton)

A U.S. arbitrator ruled the NFL can't punish Ray Rice twice for hitting his fiancée in a hotel elevator last summer. Last week, Johnny Manziel got in a fight with a fan on an elevator. *Clinical researchers warn that NFL players have developed an immunity to the calming effect of elevator music.  (Argus Hamilton)

NBC is pulling out all the stops for their debut tonight of “Peter Pan Live!” starring Allison Williams and Christopher Walken which will be broadcast from a multi-million dollar sound stage specially built on Long Island. No detail has been overlooked. *In the event of a breaking news story during the show, Brian Williams will be flown in by cable wearing green leotards, pointy shoes and a pirate’s hat. (Bob Mills)

Burger King has announced it will bring back the once-popular “Yumbo” sandwich which debuted in 1968 and was scratched in 1974. Forty years may seem like a long time, but not in the mass-produced fast food business. *Actually, some franchisees still have stacks of them hanging around in freezers. (Bob Mills) 

Angelina Jolie almost became the fist victim of L.A.’s big rainstorm when her driver lost control of her SUV limo on Santa Monica Boulevard, sliding into a curb which blew out two tires and spun the vehicle out of control. Luckily Angie suffered only a minor injury when she hit the dashboard -- a swollen lip. Oh, sorry… my mistake. That’s her regular lip. (Bob Mills) 

A Texas woman had to have surgery when her breasts swelled to a size 36NNN. *Not only that, but the men who saw her walking around also had to have surgery to put their eyes back in their head.  (Jim Barach)

A Pennsylvania mom found a liver transplant donor for her daughter on Facebook. *Which shows that some people will do anything to keep from being unfriended.  (Jim Barach)

A report says that Wall Street executive bonuses will be flat this year compared to the $164,000 average bonus given out in 2013. *Things are so tight some of the CEOs have had to cut back to lighting their Cuban cigars with only $50 bills.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 12/3/14              
 
 
A credit union designed to serve marijuana businesses is expected to open in Colorado by January 2015. Since marijuana's a controlled substance under federal law, banks have often opted not to serve pot businesses. *Their slogan is: wake n’ bank.  (Paul Dudley)

“Mockingjay, Part 1” tops box office.  Katniss Evergreen must battle an oppressive regime.  *She tries to get out of her contract with AT&T.  (Alan Ray)

Tis the season to be jolly.  Why does Santa shouts “ho, ho, ho” at the mall?  *He’s the only one who’s found decent parking.  (Alan Ray)

A survey shows a majority of teens have sexted.  *Or, as many 8th grade boys would call it, a  “selfie”.  (Alan Ray)

Madonna posed topless for “Interview” magazine. *She was on page 32, her boobs were on page 33 and 34.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Yesterday was "Cyber Monday"  *It's a technical term that means: "Buying useless crap while in your underwear."  (Alex Kaseberg)

Bill Cosby has resigned from the board of directors of Temple University. *He wants to spend more time infuriating his family. (Alex Kaseberg)

Denmark's PK Anhalt public relations firm polled twenty thousand people in forty countries last week and found that Germany is the world's favorite country. It's stunning. *For Germany to stage a comeback like this after having the worst century in history gives hope to Chicago Cub fans everywhere. (Argus Hamilton)

Amherst University cut off all ties with Bill Cosby due to the accusations swirling around him. His secret life seems horribly at odds with his public persona. *The good news is, he's just been offered to play the title role in a Broadway play called Dr. Huxtable and Mr. Hyde. (Argus Hamilton)

The New York Mercantile Exchange saw oil fall to sixty-six dollars a barrel Friday after OPEC decided not to cut production. Gasoline is a dollar and a half per gallon cheaper in Los Angeles than just six months ago. *Hummers have resumed playing soccer on Sunset Boulevard with Smart Cars as the ball.  (Argus Hamilton)

The legendary folk group responsible for the million-seller “If I Had a Hammer,” Peter, Paul & Mary celebrate their 50th year as a group this year. *Looking back on their remarkable career, they confessed that they never regretted breaking away from the original group which was called “Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Peter, Paul & Mary.”  (Bob Mills)

Daily commuters who met and fell in love on the New York Subway, Hector Irakliotis and Tatlana Sandler got married on the Brooklyn to Manhattan N Train. *Radiant in a white satin wedding dress with antique embroidery and embedded pearls by Vera Wang, the bride arrived in a carriage pulled by six subway rats. (Bob Mills)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 12/2/14                
 
A new twist on speed dating has debuted in New York City. It's called paper bag speed dating and emphasizes personality over appearance. Sixty participants recently wore bags over their heads while trying to make a two-minute love connection, keeping their faces hidden until the end of the dating event. *Things could get awkward if a potential mate tells someone to put the bag back on their head. (Paul Dudley)

“Wild” opens in movie theaters.  A woman hikes 1100 miles from Southern California to Canada.  *Her only other option was Alaska Airlines.  (Alan Ray) 

A judge ruled Ray Rice be reinstated into the NFL.  The running back has been staying in shape.  *He’s been working out at a local elevator.  (Alan Ray)

The National Retailers Federation reported huge sales on Thanksgiving Day at all the big retail stores. The procession of shopping days is set in stone. *Thanksgiving Day is followed by Black Friday, followed by Small Business Saturday, followed by Online Monday, followed by Identity Theft Tuesday. (Argus Hamilton)

Rap star Pitt Bull put on a sensational halftime show in Dallas during the Thanksgiving Day NFL game between the Dallas Cowboys and the Philadelphia Eagles. People forget that this is still the South. *The marquee outside AT&T stadium simply read Pit Bull and six guys showed up with their dogs.  (Argus Hamilton)

China reports that two of Vladimir Putin's pet Siberian tigers which he released into the wild last summer have invaded northeastern China and eaten fifteen goats and devoured five chickens. He raised them himself. *The Putin Doctrine states that if your nation has vodka, it should be part of Russia.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Union of Healthcare Workers has gone on strike against Kaiser Permanente, charging the giant HMO with neglecting its members’ mental health issues. And this isn’t a new problem for them. The company was fined $4 million last year for inadequate care of its mental patients. *A judge ruled in that case that “advising patients to watch Dr. Oz hardly constitutes therapy.” (Bob Mills)

Kids digging in an Athens, California backyard discovered a 1974 264 Dino Ferrari in perfect condition save for a small hole in one tail light. *Remarkably, the owner had the foresight and good sense to purchase a 40 year extended warranty that included burial. (Bob Mills)

Warner Brothers’ “Horrible Bosses” turned in a disappointing $15.7 million in weekend grosses, disappointing studio executives who were expecting a $40 windfall. *They blamed the studio heads of distribution and marketing whom they called “horrible bosses.”  (Bob Mills)

The 2015 Mustang GT can do the quarter mile in 9.9 seconds. *Which is especially handy if you live quarter mile from Taco Bell and are really, really hungry. (Bill Williams)

Mayonnaise maker Hellmann's is suing a company for labeling a vegetable version of mayonnaise as “mayo.” *They are even requesting a court order telling them to hold the mayo.  (Jim Barach)

A study says that kids who are obese at a young age often stay that way. Which just means they have a head start on all the other kids who given enough time will eventually catch up to them.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Monday 12/1/14              
 
 
A survey from RetailMeNot.com finds that 85 percent of respondents plan to take advantage of Cyber Monday online shopping deals today during work hours. The average shopper will spend up to four hours searching for deals online while at work. *Experts say it will seriously cut into workers Facebook time. (Paul Dudley)

Ferguson, Missouri rioting spread to street protests in twenty American cities Tuesday, shutting down L.A. freeways and New York tunnels. The attention of the media and the world is focused on rioting and looting on American streets. *Bill Cosby and Ebola must be breathing a major sigh of relief.  (Argus Hamilton)

U.S. Navy SEALs rescued six Yemenis, a Saudi and an Ethiopian held by al-Qaeda inside a remote cave in Yemen for two months. The freed hostages are in re-orientation. *They have been off their iPhones for two months and it's going to take them some time to regain the use of their thumbs.  (Argus Hamilton)

A Frenchman has invented a pill that makes passed gas smell sweeter. *The pill’s motto; “If you pull my finger, zee sweetness will linger.”  (Alex Kaseberg)

Fiancé-puncher Ray Rice is now available to sign with any NFL team. *Most teams are opting to go with a ten-foot pole instead. (Alex Kaseberg)

A group of brawny, bearded Sheboygan, Wisconsin brewers have released a nude calendar for 2015 in an attempt to raise money for a non-profit men’s health organization. *Mr. August has gotten the most attention exposing his six-pack lying naked on a stack of six-packs.  (Bob Mills)

As Americans across the country basted their Butterballs and watched football, three million onlookers crowded the sidewalks along New York’s sixth Avenue to view the annual Thanksgiving day parade. Balloons included Spiderman, the Power Ranger, and the Aflac Insurance Duck. *Honda had planned to have one, too, but their air bag failed to inflate.  (Bob Mills)

Neuroscientists at Brown University published a paper in the Journal Biology that claims elderly people retain information as well as younger ones but may lose important information already stored in their brain cells. *For instance, an 84 year old man in otherwise good health will recall the exact address and route to his Viagra store, but forget where he left the car needed to drive there. (Bob Mills)

A New York plastic surgeon is working on developing a “vacation breast” surgery that lets women try out larger breasts for about two weeks. *Apparently the doctor says it would help women make the decision for permanent surgery, like knowing once they test drive a Maserati they won’t want to go back to their Kia.  (Jim Barach)

A report says that the Harvard Business School has created three times as many billionaires as any other business school. *Mostly graduates who get into the business of loaning money to students who want to attend Harvard Business School.  (Jim Barach)

Seven companies have been issued permits to test self-driving cars in California. Mostly because it’s easy to claim a car can drive by itself when it is stuck in traffic and hasn’t moved in three hours.  (Jim Barach)

Apple is being sued over lost texts on their iMessage system. *Apparently several people claim they have crashed their cars while having to drive around for hours just to resend all their texts.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Friday 11/28/14                
 
Taylor Swift performed at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. She topped the list of stars booked to entertain the thousands lined up on the streets of Manhattan for the holiday tradition. *It was pretty amazing, she started her performance with her current boyfriend, and by the end, she was already dating someone new. (Paul Dudley)

Redbox is hiking their rental prices. The movie rental service isn’t scoring with latest promotion. *“Rent it Tonight: ‘Lone Ranger - Director’s Cut’.”  (Alan Ray)

“Mockingjay- Part 1” tops box office. In future world, people kill each other in a competition. *Or, as it’s called today, “Black Friday”.  (Alan Ray)

Gotta love San Francisco 49er defense versus the Seattle Seahawks. *They’ve given up fewer points than a Marshawn Lynch interview.  (Alan Ray)

California prison officials confirmed Charles Manson will marry a twenty-six-year-old Los Angeles girl. He's eighty and she's twenty-six. *Her parents have been waiting to see the day that she'd be changing diapers and straining baby food but she won't invite them to join them on their honeymoon. (Argus Hamilton)

Cleveland Browns quarterback Johnny Manziel got in a brawl with a fan who just wanted to shake his hand at a hotel elevator. He has signed a huge contract as the future face of the franchise. *How many more terrible things have to happen to Cleveland before it's downgraded from city to town? (Argus Hamilton)

Vladimir Putin said Sunday he won't be president for life but plans to step down in line with the Russian constitution. He said that if he's re-elected president in four years he would step down six years after that. *An optimist is anybody in Russia who stays up late to see how the elections came out. (Argus Hamilton)

In a departure from their usual roller casters and carnival thrill rides, Knott’s Berry Farm is challenging Disney with their planned underwater “Voyage to the Iron Reef” ride. *Advance word is incredible, they say the visitor is exposed to more threatening deep sea creatures than the bilge that seeps into your stateroom on a Carnival Cruise. (Bob Mills)

Convicted murderer Charles Manson and his girlfriend who calls herself Star have announced they’re engaged to be married. If you’re in a gift giving mood, they’re listed at Bed, Bath & Exercise Yard.  (Bob Mills)

A New York plastic surgeon is working on developing a “vacation breast” surgery that lets women try out larger breasts for about two weeks. *Unfortunately, once they get back from vacation their hopes and dreams aren’t the only things that deflate to reality.  (Jim Barach)

A pocket watch has set a record, selling for $24 Million. *To which anyone under 30 as asking “What’s a watch?”  (Jim Barach)

A $20,000 residence suite being offered by Etihad Airways on its Abu Dhabi to London flights has been sold out. *Mostly because it still costs less than flying coach on United when passengers are done paying all the hidden fees.  (Jim Barach)


The Funny Firm - Thursday 11/27/14              
 
 
Kmart holiday shopping starts at 6am this morning.  Black Friday is now black Thursday. *Which is nothing new for anyone who spends Thanksgiving at the in-laws.  (Paul Dudley)

The Midwest is still in a cold snap. *People are shaking like Bill Cosby at Thanksgiving with his wife and family. (Alex Kaseberg)

Eighty-year-old mass-murder, Charles Manson, is marrying a 26-year-old woman. *It’s cute, he calls her his other ball and chain.  (Alex Kaseberg)

More teens taking muscle building products. Parents don’t notice difference in strength. *Around the house, most will barely lift a finger. (Alan Ray)

Johnny Manziel was involved in hotel fight. Browns coaches may punish him for his bad behavior. *He could see reduced clipboard time. (Alan Ray)

Robin Thicke is dating a 19 year old woman. What a romantic this guy is. *To show his interest, he stole a song just for her. (Alan Ray)

Charles Manson's wedding license arrived at a California prison Thursday permitting his upcoming wedding to take place in the prison chapel. A twenty-six year old Los Angeles girl has agreed to marry the eighty-year-old serial killer. *The wedding photographs will appear exclusively in Psychology Today.  (Argus Hamilton)

Mexican drug gangs are reported to be stealing oil from Mexico's oil pipelines and smuggling the oil across the border into the United States. It's so easy to smuggle. *They just melt the oil down to powder form, then dye the powder white, and then the border guards just wave it through. (Argus Hamilton)

Thanksgiving week travel was predicted to be very heavy by the Auto Club and the airlines this week as American families gather for the traditional feast. This is a tradition four centuries old. *The first turkeys weren't wild, they just went crazy when they found out what we planned to do with them.

Staid, reliable high end automaker Mercedes-Benz has debuted the $130,000 AMG-GT-S, a full throated muscle machine they hope will compete with the Chevrolet Corvette. *Perfect for the successful dot com entrepreneur with a mid-life crises and a desire to invade Poland. (Bob Mills)

Samsung has unveiled a 360 degree virtual reality camera. *It’s primary use will be to allow people to make Facebook posts of what everyone in the entire restaurant is eating.  (Jim Barach)

A report says that businesses are cashing in on women who want larger backsides. *Which has confused men to the point where they are now completely afraid of what to say when a woman asks if a dress makes her rear end look big.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 11/26/14                
 
Most Americans say it's not Christmas until the tree goes up.  A new survey conducted by Sears finds that 38 percent agree that the holiday season in their household only begins once the first decorations are put up.  *Or as my neighbor says, it’s not Halloween until the Christmas lights come down.  (Paul Dudley)

TV Land canceled its The Cosby Show marathon of old episodes of his NBC sitcom which had been scheduled for Thanksgiving Day. That was a very wise decision. *Thanksgiving is a big drinking holiday and TV Land assumed that nobody wanted Bill Cosby to be the last person they see before passing out.  (Argus Hamilton)

Corcoran State Prison officials in California confirmed that Charles Manson and his fiancée Star will be married in a prison ceremony in December. Everyone can imagine how hard the bride's family tried to stop her from doing this. *Right now stripping looks like a Masters degree from Harvard.  (Argus Hamilton)

“Mockingjay” toped the weekend box office.  The competition of juveniles is fierce, brutal, and nasty.  *Or, as the LA Lakers call it, “the locker room”.  (Alan Ray)

There are 3 NFL games on Thanksgiving. Bears QB Jay Cutler is a guy people on this holiday can relate to.  *He also falls asleep during third quarter.  (Alan Ray)

Britain may pass stricter laws against prostitution.  Hookers are outraged.  *As a protest, they plan to organize a massive work speed up.  (Alan Ray)

How about that three-fingered catch by New York Giant, Odell Beckham? *The only thing I could catch with three fingers would be the Ebola virus.  (Alex Kaseberg)

How amazing was that three-fingered catch by New York Giant, Odell Beckham? *That ball was harder to catch than a confession from Bill Cosby.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Kathy Griffin is the new Joan Rivers on “Fashion Police.” She’ll start where Joan left off. *39 years old. (Bill Williams)

In HBO’s “The Comeback,” former Friends star Lisa Kudrow plays a former sitcom star playing a former Cable star playing the star of a reality show. Which means if she ever wins an award, it will be an Oscar playing a Grammy playing a Tony playing an Emmy.  (Bob Mills)

Oceanographers at the Monterrey Bay Aquarium Institute recently photographed a rare Black Devilfish, also known as the Deep Sea Anglerfish, at a depth of 1900 feet in the 3-mile deep Monterrey Canyon. Believed to live as long as 300 years, the more mature specimens are usually identified by their constantly flashing turn signals.  (Bob Mills)

A lobby poster for Lon Cheney’s “London After Midnight” sold for $478,000 at Heritage Auctions in Dallas, Texas. The largest sum ever paid for an advertising art card, the 1927 film featured the famed American actor terrorizing the British countryside in a departure from his usual monster makeup. *He was dressed as a dentist.  (Bob Mills)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 11/25/14              
 
 
Smartphones may be stealing time from the family over the holidays. A new survey finds a  majority of Americans say Christmas, followed by Thanksgiving, is the day when family members typing away at their phones can be the most annoying. *I wouldn’t say it’s annoying, every minute of typing on a phone is one less minute of forcing an actual conversation. (Paul Dudley)

Thursday is Thanksgiving. Tears of joy will stream when we hear relatives utter those 3 magic words. *“We’re leaving now.” (Alan Ray) 

Charles Manson will marry a 26 year old woman. It’s definitely unique. *He’ll bring new meaning to wearing “that ol’ ball and chain.” (Alan Ray) 

R.I.P. Marion Berry. *He was a crack-smoking mayor long before Rob Ford made it cool. (Alex Kaseberg) 

The Harvard football team beat Yale 31-24. *This is the only football game where the players are so smart, they don’t high five, they high square root of pi. (Alex Kaseberg) 

*This is the only football game where, when the players drink their Gatorade, they extend their little pinky. (Alex Kaseberg) 

Accusations of sexual assault continue against Bill Cosby. *On the bright side, he has been named an honorary member of the Baltimore Ravens. (Alex Kaseberg) 

SEC suspends companies selling Ebola-related products. Most blatant offender was "Murray's HazMat Suit Warehouse."  (Bob Mills)

Farm Bureau says cost of average Thanksgiving dinner up $ .37 from 2013. Turkeys are much harder to catch since they learned evasive moves from “Hunger Games.”  (Bob Mills)

The BMW i3 cops "Green Award" at the LA Car Show. Although $42,500 price points most of the green toward BMW's bottom line.  (Bob Mills)

ISIS is going to mint its own money. Coins will be like Kim Kardashian. *All tail and no head. (Bill Williams)

Tiger Woods went on a tirade against Golf Digest's satire interview with him on the fifth anniversary of the Thanksgiving meltdown. What a night. *It's now a tradition before every wedding ceremony for the best man to make sure the groom knows how to erase text messages before he hands him the ring. (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Monday 11/24/14                
 
Charles Champlin, a longtime movie reviewer with the Los Angeles Times has passed away at the age of 88. *His memorial service was held at 2:15, 4:30 and 6:45.  (Paul Dudley)

Black Friday is a week away. Millions will cram shopping centers in search of that most valued commodity. *An available parking space.  (Alan Ray)

Thieves in Illinois stole $120,000 in goods from a Louis Vuitton store. *Police estimate the total number of purses taken at 2.  (Alan Ray)

NBC canceled a new Bill Cosby comedy show. The sitcom he did in the 1990’s was quite popular. *His ratings were through the ruffies. (Alan Ray)

A San Diego jury granted an employee of AutoZone $185 million in punitive damages in a sex discrimination lawsuit. The ruling has sent shivers through the entire retail auto parts industry. In fact, Pep Boys decided to take no chances. *From now on, they’ll be known as “Manny, Moe and Louise.”  (Bob Mills)

Facebook shuttle bus drivers have voted to join a local union. *As part of the benefit package, each driver will get 2 extra lives on Candy Crush Saga. (Mike Pritchett)

Forbes released a list of the world's most powerful leaders and named Russian President Vladimir Putin as the world's most powerful leader with President Obama coming in second. It's subject to debate. *Americans say the power ranking isn't fair, because in Russia being president is a full-time job.  (Argus Hamilton)

Charles Manson acquired a marriage license to marry a young Los Angeles woman named Star who visits the serial killer in California prison. She is twenty-six years old and Manson is eighty. The age difference may not seem like much now, but when he's ninety, she'll have been dead for ten years.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Miami Marlins signed Giancarlo Stanton to a thirteen-year contract for three hundred and twenty-five million dollars last week. The popular clean-cut young slugger is part African-American, part Irish and part Puerto Rican. *His only drawback is that he missed eight games last year to parades.  (Argus Hamilton)

A study says that people who are having trouble swallowing pills are usually doing something wrong. *Especially if the pill they are taking is a suppository.  (Jim Barach)

A study says that Vitamin B and folic acid supplements don’t help people with their memory. *Especially when they can’t remember where they left their bottles of Vitamin B and folic acid.  (Jim Barach)

A study says that falls are the leading cause of head trauma for kids. *The good news is that the worst fall most kids are danger of is dropping two feet off the couch to the carpet while reaching for the remote.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Friday 11/21/14              
 
 
The family of the late Jamaican reggae artist, Bob Marley, has launched what they call the world's  first global cannabis brand. They plan to use a likeness of Bob Marley on the package.  *Bob Marley must be rolling one over in his grave.  (Paul Dudley)

*The family tried to hold a press conference, but couldn't stop laughing. (Mike Pritchett)

A massive snow storm has trapped several Buffalo, New York residents in their homes recently. *Even worse, they still live in Buffalo. (Mike Pritchett)

U2 frontman, Bono, needs surgery on his arm after a cycling accident recently. *Sources close to the singer say he is having trouble finding a doctor, because he 'Still Hasn't Found What He's Looking For'. (Mike Pritchett)

The unemployment rate is dropping. *In fact, right now, five jobs opened up in the Bill Cosby Production Company.  (Alex Kaseberg) 

Kim Kardashian defends her butt pics as an art project. *Which reminds me, I need to get my “art” to a proctologist and get my “project” examined.  (Alex Kaseberg)  

It is cold across the country. *People are shaking like Bill Cosby’s publicist.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Pope Frances to tour U.S. next year.  He will visit early settlements.  *Jamestown, Plymouth Rock, John Doe v. the Diocese of Philadelphia.  (Alan Ray)

The Magic Mike sequel is now scheduled for a summer 2015 release.  It’ll be feature length.  *At least 14 inches.  (Alan Ray)

New information claims that Mormon founder Joseph Smith had 40 wives. What a challenge! *Forty toilet seats to leave up. (Bill Williams)

Charles Manson obtained a California marriage license from his prison cell to marry his frequent visitor, a beautiful twenty-six-year-old California blonde named Star. Her family is begging her not to marry him. *They reminded her that Charlie's old enough to have murdered her grandparents.  (Argus Hamilton)

Missouri's Governor Jay Nixon activated the Missouri National Guard Monday as the Ferguson grand jury verdict nears. No one wants a race riot to occur near Thanksgiving Day. *It could be the first time in history that looters were overwhelmed by Christmas shoppers determined to pay for the stuff.  (Argus Hamilton)

Microsoft has just patched a bug that has been around for two decades. *It has been the longest lasting nuisance in the tech world since Bill Gates’ haircut.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 11/20/14                
 
Charles Manson has applied for a license to marry his 26-year-old girlfriend, who calls herself "Star.  *To all those single, available men out there who aren’t in jail and haven’t committed murder, your move.  (Paul Dudley)

Charles Manson is set to marry a 26 year old woman. They’ve already ordered the wedding cake. *One of the layers will be a file.  (Alan Ray)

A new study says sun block creams cause fertility probs. Researchers experimented with men in the study. *Unfortunately, many of them had to be yanked. (Alan Ray)

NBA player Raymond Felton has a 4 game suspension for gun charges. He wouldn’t fit in on a team like the Lakers. *This guy has weapons.  (Alan Ray)

The DEA raided NFL training rooms. *In a surprise, the DEA recommended the 0-10 Raiders take more performance enhancing drugs. (Alex Kaseberg)

Russia announced their long-range bombers will fly on reconnaissance missions from the Arctic Circle to the Caribbean to the Gulf of Mexico. It's one of two things. *Russia is either flexing its military muscles or they're so broke they have to make extra money by doing Christmas deliveries for Amazon.  (Argus Hamilton)

Stung by the documentary “Blackfish” which exposed longtime harassment of captive whales for the entertainment of visitors, Sea World suffered a 28% loss in revenues in 2014. *The once popular attraction is spurting more red ink than a wounded octopus. (Bob Mills)

The City of New York will restore those old abandoned pay phone booths which have become eyesores. *Rebuilt and freshly painted, they will offer free wi-fi hotspots, electronic device charging stations, and with fogged glass windows, will provide Clark Kent privacy when changing into his leotards and cape.  (Bob Mills)

Turns out American stock and real estate aren’t the only attractions. China is now the second largest market for movies made in the U.S. *Which explains MGM’s recently replacing their roaring lion with a quacking Peking Duck.  (Bob Mills)

A study says that having just one drink can double the risk of ending up in the ER. *Especially when your wife walks into the bar where you are having that drink with your girlfriend.  (Jim Barach)

A new dating site called The League gives out apps only by invitation to what they call “high quality” singles. *Which pretty much should exclude people who need an app to find a date.  (Jim Barach)

Microsoft has just patched a bug that has been around for two decades. *The only problem is that when something affects Windows so that it doesn’t work properly, how can anyone even tell?  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 11/19/14              
 
 
On Sunday, the DEA raided several NFL teams suspected of giving prescription drugs to their players. Personally, I think it’s the fans who are on drugs.  *How else do you explain someone paying 100 dollars for a ticket to see the Raiders play?  (Paul Dudley)

DEA investigating NFL over prescription drugs. Why aren’t New York Giants suspected of popping pills? *It’d require hand-eye coordination. (Alan Ray)

Solange Knowles was married over the weekend in New Orleans. At the reception, the bride threw 2 things. *A bouquet and a right hook. (Alan Ray)

170 people caught the norovirus on Princess Cruise. Captain tried to spin it positive to passengers. *“There’s no line at the midnight buffet.” (Alan Ray)

Bruce Jenner crashed an off-road truck in the Baja 1000. *This sets new record for manliest thing ever done by a guy about to become a woman. (Alex Kaseberg)

Olive Garden is advertising their new Northern Tour of Italy menu. *The tour goes all the way North to the town of Crapola, Italy. (Alex Kaseberg)

Probe on comet is recording sounds that sound like bad singing. *And before you get excited, no, they did not put Justin Bieber on the comet. (Alex Kaseberg)

Microsoft has overtaken Exxon-Mobil as the second most valuable company on the Wall Street ticker, just under Apple. *Easy to predict, actually. All you had to do was look out the windows. (Bob Mills)

A Botox injection can make your boobs perkier says a British doctor. Kanye West ordered some for his wife. *He wants to be married to a perky boob. (Bill Williams) 

Ukraine claims Russian tanks are rolling into Ukraine to consolidate gains made by pro-Russian rebels and establish a land bridge to Crimea. It's all in good fun. *Vladimir Putin just recorded a YouTube tourism commercial for the Christmas holidays inviting you to visit Russia, before Russia visits you.  (Argus Hamilton)

Napoleon Bonaparte's famous bicorn hat was put up for auction by Monaco's ruling family this week. France never recovered from the Emperor's exile. *Last July, Disneyland Paris celebrated Bastille Day with a tremendous fireworks show and fifteen minutes later the government of France surrendered.  (Argus Hamilton)

Miley Cyrus was spotted at a USC game with USC junior Patrick Schwarzenegger by TMZ. The story had to be updated to specifically identify Patrick by name. *Miley was originally identified as dating the son of Arnold Schwarzenegger, and that doesn't narrow it down in Los Angeles. (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 11/18/14                
 
A survey conducted by BullGuard finds that 80 percent of parents with children between ages eight and twelve agree that their kid is becoming too independent, too quickly.  An average eleven-year-old in America has a cell phone of their own, can start wearing makeup, set up an email account and ride a bus alone.  *And people wonder why To Catch a Predator is doing such brisk business.  (Rick Fancy)

The NFL fined Jets coach Rex Ryan $100K for profanity.  His foul language was shocking and appalling. Who does he think he is?  *A Jets fan?  (Alan Ray)  

“Cake Boss” chef Buddy Valastro was arrested for DWI.  His blood alcohol test read like one of his recipes.  One part sugar.  *Two parts rum.  (Alan Ray)

Prince William and Kate will visit the U.S. Neither can be away from Buckingham Palace for very long. *They only have 52 weeks vacation.  (Alan Ray)

With negative reviews, Kim Kardashian's naked butt pics are backfiring. *And when a butt that big backfires, look out.  (Alex Kaseberg)  

JC Penney announced it will open its doors at six in the morning on Thanksgiving Day to greet Christmas shoppers. It all centers around the West's biggest holiday of the year. *It's amazing how the birth of Jesus became so famous, when his mother never posted any of his baby pictures on Facebook. (Argus Hamilton)

The Man Who Shot Osama bin Laden on Fox News showcased Navy SEAL Robert O'Neill who told Fox News how he entered bin Laden's house and walked up the stairs. It was then he heard bin Laden say his last words through the bedroom door. *Hey, are you guys here about the dishwasher?  (Argus Hamilton)

Brooke Shields lost her virginity to “Superman” Dean Cain. *Yes, he was faster than a speeding bullet, but he could leap tall broads in a single bound. (Bill Williams)

In her shocking new memoir “There Was a Little Girl,” Brooke Shields reveals that her mother was a raging alcoholic and that her former husband, Andre Agassi, was a regular user of crystal meth. But it gets even worse. *He’d do it while parading around the house dressed in her favorite pair of Jordache Jeans. (Bob Mills)

Los Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant has done nothing to alleviate his team’s God awful season start by setting the NBA record for missed hoops. *He’s become an expert at missing...except his wife when the team’s on the road.  (Bob Mills)

Twitter CEO Dick Costolo denies allegations from industry analysts that the service is growing too fast. *He points out that, though admittedly higher than most online services, annual profit can not exceed 142 zeros.  (Bob Mills)

The government says that gasoline will average less than $3 a gallon through 2015. *The only thing is, everyone has forgotten if gasoline went up in price because we started all those Middle East wars or if we started all those Middle East wars because the price of gasoline went up.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Monday 11/17/14              
 
 
Sharon Osbourne announced that "The Osbournes" is coming back to TV. Sharon said Ozzy looked back on his life and he wished he could have done a show when he was clean and sober.  *Apparently the show will focus on when he was 10 years old.  (Paul Dudley)

Kim Kardashian bares butt on the cover of “Paper”. It was a unique photo shoot. *Usually when she shows off her ass, she brings Kanye.  (Alan Ray)

Poker ace Martin Jacobson won $10M and world title. How is his play different than a Miley Cyrus concert? *He will often have a full house. (Alan Ray)

An arctic blast has hit the Midwest. You can tell it’s freezing outside. *The only thing colder in Chicago right now is Jay Cutler’s arm.  (Alan Ray)

Robert Craves, the founder of the giant Costco warehouse stores, died in Bellevue, Washington at age 72. *Attendees at his memorial service were offered an eye examination and a hearing test, while Costco employees handed out samples of food items that would be served later at the reception.  (Bob Mills)

UPS has announced it will hire 95,000 seasonal workers over the Christmas holidays. *This came as wonderful news to the 95,000 unemployed workers, not to mention those with jobs in factories that make brown shorts.  (Bob Mills)

Frizzy-haired promoter Don King was rushed to a Cleveland ER for multiple suturing of his face after suffering a bad fall in the hotel suite where he was staying. *While recovering, he plans to promote a championship bout between the Hilton and Marriott hotel chains. (Bob Mills)

The world’s largest corn field maze in Dixon, Illinois is so complex, panicked people often call 911 to be rescued. *The new Cheetos theme park in Battle Creek, Michigan will feature an even more difficult maze made out of corn chips which lost visitors can eat to stay alive. (Bob Mills)

Rio de Janeiro has designated its first nude beach. *Until now, anyone who wanted to be naked in public in Rio had to wait for Carnival. (Jim Barach) 

IBM’s Watson is being used to create a consumer app that uses consumers’ genetic makeup to help them live a healthier lifestyle. *The first thing the app does is tell people they are on their cellphone way too much.  (Jim Barach)

A poll says that texting, e-mails and cellphone calls are the most common forms of non-personal communication. *Except when people are driving and they still communicate most effectively with their middle finger.  (Jim Barach)

Six banks have been fined a total of $4.3 Billion for manipulating currency markets to boost their profits. *Otherwise known banking.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Friday 11/14/14                
 
Happy birthday to Leonardo DiCaprio. He turned 40 this week.  *You can tell he’s 40, he was seen driving around Hollywood in a new fire engine red Prius. (Mark Wheeler)

Kobe Bryant has set the NBA career mark for missed field goals. That’s just his style.  *He takes more shots than an Andy Dick happy hour.  (Alan Ray)

Justin Bieber visited a Pittsburgh Steelers faith meeting. He wanted to worship with the New York Giants. *But, they don’t have a prayer.  (Alan Ray)

McDonalds recalled Hello Kitty toys in Happy Meals. A health danger lurks inside boxes. *And once the burger is eaten, the toy is risk too.  (Alan Ray)

Pepsi is coming out with a soft drink that combines the flavors of Mountain Do and Doritos. Or as red necks call it: vomit. (Alex Kaseberg)

According to the FAA, the Ebola scare will not significantly reduce Thanksgiving air travel. *Just to be on the safe side, Jet Blue is offering free HazMat suits in First Class.  (Bob Mills)

ISIS recruits are now booking cruises. That explains Carnival's "Jumpin Jihad Sand 'n' Sandals Ramadan Jubilee."  (Bob Mills)

Move over Target, Home Depot and Walmart. It appears that the U.S. Postal has been the victim of a massive cyber attack. The breach was discovered only after a supervisor at the main distribution hub noticed the mail was suddenly arriving on time.  (Bob Mills)

A British guy set a new speed record of 207 MPH on a rocket-powered bicycle. *But if you think that was fast, you should see the Chihuahua that chased him. (Bill Williams)

Subway will start allowing customers to pay with their smartphones. *You would think that a place named “Subway” would have thought to have people be able to pay with tokens. (Jim Barach)

A man has been locked up in a Washington, D.C. mental hospital for 40 years for stealing a $20 necklace. *Apparently the court felt he was crazy for not trying to rob a more upscale jewelry store.  (Jim Barach)

AT&T says it will stop spending money on high speed fiber Internet connections until the FCC makes a plan for Internet regulation. *AT&T officials were disappointed after the company has already committed as much as $3 into the project.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 11/13/14              
 
 
Bob Dylan's grandson is going to release a rap album next year. *The bad news, it's going to be filled with explicit lyrics, the good news is, you won't be able to understand any of it. (Paul Dudley) 

Nick Jonas plays MMA fighter in “Kingdom”.  His role as mixed martial artist different from his band.  *In new gig, he has more than one hit.  (Alan Ray) 

Aaron Rodgers tied mark for most TD’s in one half.  When he’s on his game, it’s no contest.  *Or, is that Adrian Peterson in a courtroom?  (Alan Ray) 

Porn stars asking Google for anti-piracy measures.  Actors are the most aggressive in this fight.  *They don’t just stick their necks out.  (Alan Ray) 

Mormon founder Joseph Smith had 40 wives. *His cause of death is now changed from mob shooting to mercy killing.  (Alex Kaseberg) 

A new book claims Jesus had a wife and two kids.  *Now we know the real reason why he turned water into wine.  (Alex Kaseberg)

New York's biggest subway station opened in Manhattan, the $1.4 billion Fulton Center. *It’s so big, a thousand bums can urinate at the same time. (Bill Williams)

Bob Dylan is divorcing his third wife Darline Springs on the grounds of excessive spending on jewelry, high end restaurants and designer clothing. Can’t say we didn’t see this one coming. *It was literally written on her Wyndom New Yorker Hotel receipts.  (Bob Mills)

An 1881 Manet was recently purchased by the Getty Museum for $65,125,000. *Now before you groan, that’s with the frame.  (Bob Mills)

Pixar compu-artists are working on a "Toy Story 4" scheduled to be released in 2017. It will tell a much more contemporary story. *Woody and Buzz enter a "same toy" marriage.  (Bob Mills)

Netropolitan is a new social network that claims to be Facebook for the wealthy, costing $9,000 to join. *It is so exclusive people only post pictures of their meals when they are eating lobster, caviar and Dom Perignon Champagne.  (Jim Barach)

UPS says it expects to hire 95,000 seasonal workers over the holidays. Which is finally some good news for all the elves who have been collecting unemployment since Santa had to lay them off after all the online merchants started offering free shipping.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 11/12/14                
 
In an effort to boost ticket sales, the country's largest movie theater chain, Regal Entertainment, is adding motion, smells, and wind to enhance the movie watching experience in certain theaters.  *That’s all well and good until the movie cuts to a New York City subway.  (Paul Dudley)

“Big Hero 6” tops the weekend box office.  A young boy’s special bond with an inflatable toy is far-fetched.  *Most kids couldn’t find it in their rooms.  (Alan Ray) 

Yesterday was Veteran’s Day.  Federal government workers did nothing all day.  *In other words, work from home.  (Alan Ray)  

Police in Miami broke up prostitution ring at strip club.  The undercover cop overwhelmed with the assignment.  *A lot was thrown in his lap.  (Alan Ray)  

This past weekend in Beverly Hills, Madonna auctioned off many of her personal items. *And some of them were not really long and did not vibrate.  (Alex Kaseberg) 

A new book claims Jesus had a wife and two kids. *So that made the last supper a boys night out.  (Alex Kaseberg) 

Kim Kardashian’s app game has made $43 million. *“Wow, that is way too much money for someone as awful as Kim Kardashian,” said Satan.  (Alex Kaseberg)

The Dallas Cowboys played the Jacksonville Jaguars Sunday at Wembley Stadium in London. It went off without a hitch. *In England they drink beer by the pints and they drive on the left side of the road, so for most of the NFL players, the only adjustment was the time change.  (Argus Hamilton)

Demanding stricter rules on porn production, actors, actresses, producers, directors and writers picketed outside the Los Angeles Office of the state’s Occupational Health & Safety Administration. Onlookers expressed shock and disbelief. *Pornos have writers? (Bob Mills)

The City of Amsterdam, Holland is appealing to visitors to the historic Dam Square to please cease and desist urinating on the walls. *Maybe it would help if they remove the porcelain fountain with the green sanitizing tablet in the bottom. (Bob Mills)

A robber held up a Dunkin’ Donuts in Boston while wearing a Barack Obama Halloween mask. *He left with $466 and a promise from the manager to raise the minimum wage to $15 per hour.  (Bob Mills)

Citing educational opportunities New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio added one hour to the public school day. The downside is less time for extracurricular activities. *The upside is fewer robberies at the 7-Eleven. (Bill Williams)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 11/11/14              
 
 
For the first time in years, Burger King has beaten McDonald's in sales. They attribute it to their new offering: chicken fries...and the fact that clearly the entire county has just decided to let themselves go.  (Paul Dudley) 

“Beyond the Lights” opens. A talented young singer struggles with superstardom.  *It mirrors Demi Lovato’s career, except for talented part.  (Alan Ray) 

The Oakland Raiders are considering relocation to San Antonio.  Most of the players have not been there yet.  *Talking about the end zone.  (Alan Ray) 

Oregon voters chose to legalize marijuana.  It was an unusual election day in that state.  *Turnout for this proposition was extremely high.  (Alan Ray) 

So pot is legal in Oregon now. *I wonder if Portland will stay weird, or change to “giggly.” (Bill Williams)

Papa Johns has a pizza with Fritos. *How lazy, fat and stoned have we become when it is too much work to sprinkle Fritos on a pizza?  (Alex Kaseberg)

The hapless one-star-shoots-all Los Angeles Lakers suffered the team’s worst opening performance since 1957. Kobe Bryant is so embarrassed, he’s now buying diamond rings for the fans.  (Bob Mills)

Sony reluctantly announced that the company endured a fourth quarter loss of $1.2 billion on Smart Phone sales alone. *But showing they haven’t lost their sense of humor over the collapse, they’ve renamed it the “Dumb Phone.”  (Bob Mills)

An elementary school teacher in Salt Lake City accidentally discharged her 9 mm Glock while visiting the ladies room. *Police charged Michelle Montgomery with child endangerment, felony negligence and impersonating Jose Canseco.  (Bob Mills)

A new blood test can reportedly diagnose depression. *Especially when the patient finds out their health insurance plan doesn’t cover the cost of the blood test. (Jim Barach)

A report says that one in ten Americans aged 35-44 have money seized for debts from their paychecks. *The other nine are still waiting to actually get the opportunity to some day be able to earn a paycheck. (Jim Barach)

A Vermont woman just celebrated her 105th birthday. *She says the secret to a long life is trying to figure out a way to eventually be able to move to somewhere warmer than Vermont.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Monday 11/10/14                
 
In Washington, D.C., residents voted to legalize marijuana.  It was a pretty miraculous accomplishment for supporters of legal marijuana. *If you think it's hard to get people to remember to go the polls, imagine what it must be like to stoners to remember to go the polls.  (Paul Dudley) 

Obviously feeling the results of the U.S. boycott on aid to Russia, Vladimir Putin has raised the country’s interest rate to 9.5%. *Though he claims it’s pure coincidence, that also happens to be Jose Conseco’s latest finger count.  (Bob Mills)

Taco Bell hired some top programmers to come up with an app that will allow people to place orders via their cell phones without actually calling in the order. *Not to be outdone, Apple is now working on a cell phone in the shape of a taco.  (Bob Mills)

A high end pharmaceutical company named Reinast is actually selling a toothbrush that retails for $4,000 and is, according to a company spokesman, “for individuals with an incredibly high net worth.” *And If that’s not shocking enough, they’ve been named official dental supplier for three NHL teams.  (Bob Mills)

At Starwood Hotels, you can unlock room with phone. *If they can equip place with latest technology, how come they can’t fix the ice machine?  (Alan Ray)

Oregon voters chose to legalize marijuana. It was an unusual election day in that state. Turnout for this proposition was extremely high. (Alan Ray)

A Utah State wide receiver suspended for soliciting a prostitute. Talk about a standout player. *He leads the team in both TD’s and STD’s.  (Alan Ray)

Iraq has a sitcom that mocks ISIS. *Talk about a show that hopes it doesn’t bomb. (Alex Kaseberg)

The first “Selfie” was taken in 1839. *It’s titled: “For the love of god, put some clothes on Larry King. (Alex Kaseberg)

The first porn movie filmed by a drone is set to be released. *It stars two people who didn’t know they left the window open.  (Alex Kaseberg)

United Airlines is offering some of their flight attendants $100,000 to retire. *Or at least they are giving them equal value, meaning one free suitcase along with an in-flight movie and a blanket.  (Jim Barach)

Heart experts say that a 14 point checklist should be used instead of EKGs on student athletes to detect heart problems. *The only problem is finding any student athletes who can actually read the questions on a 14 point checklist.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Friday 11/7/14              
 
 
Verizon and AT&T are facing criticism after it was revealed that they use “supercookies” on smartphones to track users' Internet activity. *Tech experts say that Verizon and AT&T now have access to a massive collection of Facebook snapshots of food. (Paul Dudley) 

New York Giant Prince Amukamara out for season after tearing biceps. He’s taking something for the pain. *Of being a New York Giant. (Alan Ray) 

Taylor Swift is an ambassador for New York. She’s got perfect song for a tourist and his money. *“We are never, ever getting back together. (Alan Ray) 

Beyonce will release a “Platinum Edition” box set. What is sister Solange’s favorite type of music? *Swing. (Alan Ray) 

A good look? An "I Voted" sticker on your t-shirt on Tuesday. A bad look? *An "I Voted" sticker on your t-shirt on Friday. (Alex Kaseberg)

The marijuana industry will soon be bigger than the NFL. *And it will be bigger than the NFL in large part thanks to the players in the NFL. (Alex Kaseberg)

The U.S. inspector who probed the Secret Service hooker scandal was himself caught with hookers. How ironic is that. *Eleven agents were fired over the hooker-and-cocaine hotel parties and the rest resigned because it wasn't going to be any fun to work there anymore.  (Argus Hamilton)

CDC officials warned that the obesity epidemic is far more lethal to Americans than the Ebola craze. There are certainly exceptions. *Last summer a doctor in Mississippi diagnosed one of his patients with the flesh-eating disease and gave the man forty years to live.  (Argus Hamilton)

Last week marked the 40th birthday of Hello Kitty, the feline that became a worldwide design icon. *Hard to believe that one kitten has produced 7 billion in profits each year, 4,392 shredded couches, and 9,867 hair balls.  (Bob Mills)

This year’s New York Marathon took place on the same day that the New York Subway system was opened 110 years ago. *Not surprisingly, three sewer rats were among the top twenty finishers. (Bob Mills)

Survey data collected in selected cities on Halloween night indicates that more chocolate changed hands this year than in any past trick or treat season. *The nationwide poll was financed jointly by the National Confectionery Consortium and the American Dental Association. (Bob Mills)

“Dating Naked” is a TV show about well, naked dating. But it’s a little different from “The Bachelorette.”  *Instead of giving the winner a rose, the loser gets a fig leaf. (Bill Williams)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 11/6/14                
 
Godzilla turns 60 years old this week. *Nowadays he only breathes fire on people who won’t get off his front lawn.  (Mark Wheeler)

A Russian company has removed statue of Apple’s iPhone because the CEO says he’s gay. That’s weird. *Still standing is a statue of Walt Disney holding hands with a mouse. (Bill Williams)

San Francisco had a Pride Parade last week to celebrate their World Series win. The place was full of switch hitters. *And the Giants. (Bill Williams)

Starbucks to start a delivery service next year. *No word on how the plan will work, but all you need is a smartphone and eighteen bucks. (Bill Williams)

Jose Canseco accidentally shot off his middle finger as he was cleaning his gun and watching the World Series. It's only right. *After Jose Canseco's tell-all book led to the end of the Steroids Era, he owed it to baseball to show how to make watching the game more exciting.  (Argus Hamilton)

A Dunkin Donuts in Boston aired video of a robber in a Barack Obama mask robbing the cashier and ransacking the counter. It's alright. *Afterwards a woman in a Hillary Clinton mask walked in and promised to clean up the mess made by the guy in the Barack Obama mask. (Argus Hamilton)

Charlie Sheen lobbied openly to be included in the final episode of Two and a Half Men this spring. He's gotten his act back together. *He lives in a ranch house he just renamed the Sober Valley Lodge, located exactly where Whiskey River Creek runs into Crack Head Canyon. (Argus Hamilton)

Facebook is bringing back anonymous chat rooms. It can link people with similar interests. *For example, people who are addicted to Facebook. (Alan Ray)

Chicago Cubs hire Joe Madden as manager. To the players, his arrival was like 2 and 0 fastball down the middle. *They didn’t see it coming. (Alan Ray)

A Celebration Cruise ship got stranded with passengers near Bahamas. The captain tried to spin it positive. *“Today’s excursion features rafting.”  (Alan Ray)

Undertaker Michael Turch, who owns a chain of funeral homes in Virginia, offers customers a Harley-Davidson hearse to carry your loved one to his reward on the wings of Hell’s Angels. *The complete “Biker’s Eternal Package” includes a headstone or mortuary marker with exact replicas of the resident’s tattoos. (Bob Mills)

Though savaged by critics as “lightweight and stupid,” the cheaply made “Ouija” which Universal had high hopes for, has been doing surprisingly well at the box office. *Although the studio admits they predicted its success after using a Ouija board.  (Bob Mills)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 11/5/14              
 
 
People are taking selfies with bears and then using them as their profile pictures on dating apps. The U.S. Forest Service is warning people to not do it. *There is a name for people like this...people who have never heard of Photoshop. (Paul Dudley)

President Obama congratulated San Francisco Giants. He was in awe of pitcher Bumgarner.  *Here’s a guy who can win something on the hill.  (Alan Ray) 

Washington Redskins bus was in an accident Sunday.  That marks the second wreck in the NFL this season.  *The first is the New York Jets.   (Alan Ray) 

Environmentalists protest Lowe’s over pesticides.  You can always spot a group of pickets at that store.  *It’s the only line that’s moving.   (Alan Ray) 

Renee Zellweger is selling her East Hampton house. *The problem is she has had so much work done on the place, nobody recognizes it.  (Alex Kaseberg)

McDonald’s will use the Super Bowl to debut it’s new slogan “Lovin’ Beats Hatin’” to replace the current “I’m Lovin’ It” used since 2003. *Their idea to have customers suggest a suitable replacement was abandoned when the top vote getters were “Not As Bad As It Looks” and “Only If You’re Really in a Hurry.”  (Bob Mills)

The CDC gave safety tips to TSA agents to protect them from Ebola-exposed people flying back and forth to West Africa. It's really of no concern to air passengers. *Travelers would be safe from being infected by TSA agents because Ebola can't be transmitted from hand to breast.  (Argus Hamilton)

Fox News reports fifty voters in Maryland complained their votes for Republicans were switched to Democrats by voting machines. Vote stealing is part of our cherished heritage. *The most popular inscription on tombstones in Chicago is a bumper sticker that reads I Voted. (Argus Hamilton)

Michael Jordan ripped President Obama's golf game and refused to include him in his ideal foursome. He should talk. *Last year golf's leading moneymaker was Tiger Woods and the second leading moneymaker was whoever played Michael Jordan the most number of times.  (Argus Hamilton)

An unmanned supply rocket bound for the International Space Station exploded moments after liftoff in eastern Virginia. *No one was hurt, but it was the biggest Tang spill in the history of mankind. (Bill Williams)

Google pill when swallowed will flow through your bloodstream looking for cancer. The findings transmitted to a remote sensor. Problem though. *You first have to watch ads for Chevrolet Impala, Nationwide Insurance and how to cleanse your colon. (Bill Williams)   

Concerns are being raised about the dangers of powdered caffeine, of which one teaspoon is equal to drinking 25 cups of coffee. *Apparently it’s for people who just don’t have time to wait in line at Starbucks and drink a whole triple espresso Venti.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 11/4/14                
 
Apple CEO Tim Cook announced last week that he's gay.  *This explains why the new iPhone 6 is 60 percent more fabulous than the iPhone 5.  (Paul Dudley) 

The Seven Dwarfs ride at Disney World caught fire.  The park released a positive statement.  *At no time were souvenir shops ever in danger.  (Alan Ray) 

“Interstellar” opens in theaters this week.  An astronaut travels vast distances in the universe.  *To prep for role, Matthew McConaughey flew United.  (Alan Ray) 

Taco Bell has introduced a mobile ordering app. It’s being launched to compete with the fast food chain’s biggest rival. *Healthy eating choices. (Alan Ray)

The men and the women’s New York Marathon races were won by Kenyans. *In equally shocking news, people breathe air.  (Alex Kaseberg) 

Former slugger, Jose Conseco, was cleaning his gun and shot off his middle finger. *He’s OK, but there goes his future as a cab driver.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Major contender on the morning sweet wars Dunkin’ Donuts is debuting a new menu item it describes as half doughnut and half croissant. *They still increase your risk of a heart attack, but you can call for help in French.  (Bob Mills)

The cast of the hit series “State of Superstition” on Iraq’s Al Iraqya TV perform sketches and routines that make fun of Islamic state terrorists in Iraq and Syria. *They mimic the opening of Saturday Night Live -- only theirs goes “Temporarily alive from Baghdad… “  (Bob Mills)

The Georgian House Hotel in London’s Soho District is converting all of its rooms to a Harry Potter theme, each named for characters and places in the popular series. Which, actually, is none too soon. *These days, you need a magic wand to get Room Service to appear.  (Bob Mills)

Fireball Whisky was recalled in 3 European countries because it has antifreeze in it. But it’s OK in the US. *Obesity absorbs antifreeze. (Bill Williams)

Hillary Clinton caused a firestorm last week when she declared onstage that businesses and corporations don't create jobs. It made no sense at all. *Bill Clinton didn't help when he defended what Hillary said, saying that it all depends on what your definition of the word job is.  (Argus Hamilton)

The NHL is saying no for now to sponsors’ ads on team jerseys. *Although so far they are getting a lot of interest from Crest, Oral-B and the American Dental Association.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Monday 11/3/14              
 
 
Papa John's has released a new pizza that comes topped with beef, chili, onions, cheese, and Fritos corn chips. *The pizza is very popular with people who frequently order pizza, but 30 minutes later can‘t remember why they ordered pizza.  (Mark Wheeler)

Friday was Halloween. How can you spot the house of a New York Jets wide receiver? *He’s the one with the Butterfingers.  (Alan Ray)

Game site Twitch banned nude gaming. Opponents question such behavior. *“Is that a joystick you’re holding, or are you glad to see me?”  (Alan Ray)

The Chicago Cubs have hired Joe Madden as manager. He likes the main perk of the job. *Your vacation always starts October 1.  (Alan Ray)

Two most popular US dog names? Bella and Bailey. Two least popular dog names? *Ebola and Bieber. (Alex Kaseberg)

Kris Jenner is mad at Bruce Jenner for going out with her friend, Ronda Kamihira. *In Bruce’s defense, it was more of a girls-night-out.  (Alex Kaseberg)

The New York City Marathon ran before a million spectators Sunday. Many of the runners just arrived from Africa . *No one wants to say that New Yorkers were a little edgy about that, but this year when the gun went off, the spectators took off running away from the runners. (Argus Hamilton)

Nurse Kaci Hickcox from Maine railed against her home-confinement orders last week after she returned from Africa and tested negative for Ebola. She refuses to stay at home on full salary for twenty-one days. *She doesn't have Ebola and she obviously doesn't have Netflix. (Argus Hamilton)

Big cosmetic changes at the Post Office that they hope will help reverse their money losing ways. Express Mail will now be known as Priority Mail Express and Parcel Post has become Standard Post. There may be some legal issues with their biggest change, though. From now on, instead of U.S. Postal Service, they’d like to be known as UPS.  (Bob Mills)

Major contender on the morning sweet wars Dunkin’ Donuts is debuting a new menu item it describes as half doughnut and half croissant. *They still increase your risk of a heart attack, but you’ll can call for help in French.  (Bob Mills)

“Dating Naked” has been picked up for a second season on VH1. The show isn’t doing that well in the ratings, but the show still makes money by saving a bundle on wardrobe expenses.  (Jim Barach)

Joan Rivers’ personal doctor is being accused of taking a selfie with the comedian in the operating room while she was under anesthesia. Authorities don’t see it so much of a selfie as they consider it a possible mug shot.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Friday 10/31/14                
 
How about those San Francisco Giants?  People in San Francisco were dancing in the streets, dressed in colorful outfits, throwing confetti around…and then people found out the Giants had won the World Series. (Paul Dudley)

Former baseball player Jose Canseco blew a finger off while cleaning a gun. This is departure for him. *When he played, he would shoot himself with HGH. (Alan Ray)

The conference races are getting intense in college football. The North Carolina Tar Heels run a triple option. *Fake right, fake left, fake classes. (Alan Ray)

The guy who jumped the White House fence last week and beat up two Secret Service dogs was declared incompetent to stand trial after a mental screening. But life’s a two way street. *Too crazy for prosecution but perfect for politics. (Bill Williams)

North Korea's Kim Jung Un made his first appearance before TV news cameras in weeks, dedicating a new orphanage near his palace. Kim had to grit his teeth while he was there. *Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt mistook him for a five-year-old and nearly adopted him. (Argus Hamilton)

The Auto Club reports oil prices fell below eighty dollars a barrel for the first time in four years. That's because so many people drive electric and hybrid cars powered by coal plants. *Saudi Arabia will be going to the U.N. Halloween Party dressed as West Virginia to attract chicks.  (Argus Hamilton)

Pat Robertson advised his TV viewers to invest in oil pipeline manufacturers for optimal dividends and profits. His ability to foresee the future is suddenly respected . *Pat Robertson was warning Americans that we're doomed long before this Ebola thing came along.  (Argus Hamilton)

A cow who lives on a farm near Peoria, Illinois was declared the “tallest in the world” after Guinness judges measured her 6' 4" at the shoulder. *Of course her owner has had to make some adjustments to accommodate her height...like every morning having to sit on bar stool to milk her. (Bob Mills)

Google executive Alan Eustace recently set a world record for parachuting from a hot air balloon 128,000 feet up. *Couldn’t he have saved himself a lot of time, expense and effort and just ranked himself first on Google’s search engine list of altitude records?  (Bob Mills)

This weekend we set our clocks back one hour. *This means on Sunday the New York Jets will lose an hour and a game.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Apple CEO, Tim Cook, announced he is proud to be gay. *Which explains Apple’s new app that measures your fabulousness.  (Alex Kaseberg)

A London hotel is offering Harry Potter-themed rooms. *Look, if you don’t want people to have sex in your hotel, just say so.  (Alex Kaseberg)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 10/30/14              
 
 
Cleveland Cavaliers' fans wanting to see LeBron James in his return will have to shell out big bucks.  CNN reports the average ticket price for tonight's game through sellers like StubHub and SeatGeek are around 800-dollars each.  *That’s gotta hurt…most Cleveland fans are still paying off all the LeBron James jersey’s they burned 4 years ago.  (Mark Wheeler)

Taylor Swift’s new CD “1989” is out.  The songs demonstrate her vast range.  *Each track reflects a completely different boyfriend.  (Alan Ray) 

Halloween is tomorrow.  How do you tell difference between a jack o lantern and a politician on a doorstep?  *The jack o lantern is less hollow.  (Alan Ray)

My niece can’t make her Halloween costume work.  *She wants to go as a slutty Kim Kardashian, but she can’t make it sluttier.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Watch out for Dumb and Dumber in theaters in November right after the elections. *Oh yeah, there’s a movie too. (Bill Williams)

A Michigan man was arrested for riding his lawn mower drunk. Poor guy, what choice did he have. *His wife was out partying on the leaf blower. (Bill Williams)

While newly arrived in the news, the Ebola Virus has been carbon dated by scientists at the University of Buffalo to have been around for as many as 23 million years. Must have been a bigger problem back then. *Can you imagine trying to make an effective Hazmat suit out of mastodon skins?  (Bob Mills)

Queen Elizabeth became the first British monarch in history to send a tweet which she signed “Elizabeth R.” *Then she got carried away and attached a selfie which people immediately printed and are using as a stamp.  (Bob Mills)

As residents abandoned their homes in its path, molten lava spewing from the erupting Kilauea Volcano threatens to engulf the town Pohoa, Hawaii. *It’s strange watching something able to spread that much fire that isn't a Tesla.  (Bob Mills)

USA Today reviewed the NFL's new marijuana testing policy that allows players to smoke one joint a week. Pot distracts from the culture of winning. *Every Monday for the Oakland Raiders begins with a team meeting in which players review the previous week's cartoon shows. (Argus Hamilton)

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio urged New Yorkers to be calm after a New York doctor tested positive for Ebola. There's no reason for the locals to panic. The CDC pointed out that Ebola has an eighty percent survival rate in the U.S., so it's still safer than New York high schools.  (Argus Hamilton)

A study says that violent movies can cause aggression, but only in people who are already prone. Although moviegoers can also become very angry after realizing they paid $8 to see the latest Adam Sandler movie.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 10/29/14                
 
Due to a technical glitch, Taylor Swift's new digital download single was released as eight seconds of static.  *Actually, 8 seconds of static is a bit more pleasing than 8 seconds of Taylor Swift.  (Paul Dudley)

Lava flow threatens homes on big island of Hawaii.  Real estate agents are trying to spin it positive.  *Pools in the area are all heated.  (Alan Ray) 

Boy band One Direction has announced their 2015 tour.  Watch them venture out musically.  *They plan to add a second rhythm.  (Alan Ray) 

Friday is Halloween.  This year the Bruce Jenner mask looks incredibly realistic.  *It’s made mostly of plastic.  (Alan Ray)

A new book entitled “How Google Works,” written by two nerds who worked there reveals the secrets previously known only inside the hive. Turns out, it’s not as complicated as they had led us to believe. *Seems it’s all done by 20,000 workers leafing very quickly through 50,000 encyclopedias. (Bob Mills)

Profits of the major domestic and international air carriers are up 64% over last year. And by a strange coincidence, that’s the percentage of luggage that fails to arrive simultaneously with passengers at their destinations.  (Bob Mills)

An Apple computer that Steve Jobs constructed in his parents’ garage sold at auction for $990,000. Bidders were surprised that such an early prototype was so user friendly. It came with a built in tech guy from New Delhi.  (Bob Mills)

Novo Nordisk, a pharmaceutical company from Denmark is planning an obesity research center in Seattle. *Which just seems a bit ironic that a Danish company interested in solving a problem caused by eating too much cheese Danish.  (Jim Barach)

Researchers say that magic mushrooms could be used to cure depression and addiction. *Mostly after people eat the mushrooms and forget what they were depressed about because they spend the entire afternoon wondering how their shoes got tied.  (Jim Barach)

Canadian and U.S. officers last week surveilled Islamic converts prone to join ISIS whom profilers had refused exit passports. It's a dilemma. North America is full of young men who want to join the violent armed group with no respect for Western laws, but the IRS is not hiring.  (Argus Hamilton)

Renee Zellweger shocked her movie fans by arriving at a fashion show with a completely new face recently. It's not a bad idea nowadays. The good thing about making yourself totally unrecognizable is, if you have any nude selfies that get hacked, no one will know it's you.  (Argus Hamilton)

The U.S. Postal Service changed the name of Express Mail to Priority Mail Express and Parcel Post to Standard Post. They're always thinking. Last week the Postal Service tried to cash in on the Ebola scare by issuing a postage stamp that celebrates salad bar sneeze guards.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 10/28/14              
 
 
Warner Brothers has announced 10 new movies based on DC Comics. Between DC, Marvel, and some smaller comic book companies, they're projecting around 40 superhero movies by the end of the decade.  *Warner Brothers is betting that for at least the next few years a significant number of people will be living in their parents basement. (Paul Dudley)

Sears is planning on closing approximately 100 stores to curb expenses. *The news shocked shoppers, because they thought Sears closed all of their  stores years ago. (Mike Pritchett)

A 57 year old Google executive has set a new space jump record. *However, not too many people knew about it, because he posted the pictures on Google+. (Mike Pritchett )

Singer, Shakira , has partnered with Fisher-Price and is releasing a new line of musical baby toys. *A source close to her says it's true, because her hips don't lie. (Mike Pritchett)

A new app sets up legal marijuana delivery door to door. It’s like getting a pizza from Domino’s. *Except customer is the one who’s baked. (Alan Ray) 

The World Series shifts to San Francisco. The field at AT&T Park is uniquely shaped. *It has deeper gaps than a Secret Service detail. (Alan Ray)

Uruguayan professional Luis Suarez is back after a 4-month suspension for biting another player. There are certain opponents he doesn’t like very much. *They leave a bad taste in his mouth. (Alan Ray)

Renee Zellweger stunned her fans when she arrived at a fashion show with a completely new face Tuesday. It's an L.A. rite of passage. *Last week, a young lady asked her Beverly Hills plastic surgeon to make her just like Paris Hilton so he gave her cheek implants and a lobotomy. (Argus Hamilton)

Canadian Parliament Sergeant at Arms Kevin Vickers got a five minute standing ovation from the House after he killed the Islamic terrorist who tried to shoot up the Chamber. He killed the guy with one shot. *It'll be years before he has to shout twice for the House to come to order.  (Argus Hamilton)

Auto safety group says we are driving around with 8 million defective airbags that won’t work in a crash. *The car makers are texting all owners. (Bill Williams)

Horn magician Kenny G. innocently incensed Communist Chinese officials in Beijing when he wished the Hong Kong demonstrators “good luck.” *Probably won’t have any ill effects on his career, though. I mean, how many elevators can there be in China?  (Bob Mills)

World Series Nielsen Ratings for the first games of the San Francisco Giants, Kansas City Royals match up are 15% below last year’s. The League isn’t standing idly by. *To broaden the game’s appeal, the first ball in game three will be twerked out by Miley Cyrus.  (Bob Mills)

The Funny Firm - Monday 10/27/14                
 
The University of North Carolina is being accused of setting up sham classes for athletes.  The classes allowed student-athletes to skip lectures and instead submit a paper graded by the manager rather than a professor.  *College football programs across the county refer to this practice as…Tuesday.  (Paul Dudley)

While Vladimir Putin is denying any knowledge of it, the Swedish Navy has detected what may be a disabled Russian nuclear submarine in waters off the coast of Stockholm. *Also, no comment from Putin after three Russian sailors were spotted over the weekend buying bunk beds in IKEA. (Bob Mills)

Competing with Pandora. Spotify and other internet tune suppliers, Google will begin offering a $10 per month mood music service with titles like “Jumping Out of Bed” and “In the Lonely Hour.” Just think of it. *Now you’ll be able to make your entire life sound as good as being in an elevator. (Bob Mills)

Struggling to avoid obsolescence, the venerable Encyclopedia Britannica is retraining its entire sales force. *From now on, they’ll still go door-to-door, but now they’ll offer a complete set of Moroccan leather bound Google Search Operating Manuals. (Bob Mills)

Catholic bishops meeting in the Vatican for their annual Synod rejected Pope Francis' ground-breaking welcome to gays and lesbians, instead embracing their usual anti-same sex marriage stance. *They did loosen the behavior rules, however, declaring that shopping at Bed, Bath & Beyond and attending Cher concerts will no longer be considered mortal sins.  (Bob Mills)

Fury tops the weekend box office. Troops face impossible odds. *Not only must they get thru enemy lines, they also have to seek out veterans benefits. (Alan Ray) 

Bob Seger is still touring at age 69. He’s aged. He still sings about those “Night Moves”. *But, they’re now mostly getting up and going to the bathroom. (Alan Ray) 

L.A. Clippers player Blake Griffin is being investigated for assaulting a man over a camera. Police know it couldn’t be a Laker. *They never hit anything. (Alan Ray)

President Obama’s credit card was rejected at a New York restaurant last month. The president was embarrassed. *The restaurant tab was added to the national debt. (Bill Williams)

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration announced last month was the hottest September in 135 years. *What made it particularly hot was Bruce Jenner got his first mini skirt. (Bill Williams)

A report says there is a shortage of breast implants available in Venezuela, a sign of the country’s widespread economic issues. Ironically, at a time when women can’t get larger breasts the country’s bond rating is now DD.  (Jim Barach)

A report says that strong holiday hiring is expected this year. And that’s just for store security departments to break up all the brawls involving shoppers during the Thanksgiving weekend sales.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Friday 10/24/14              
 
 
Scientists have identified ancient fish they believe are the first creatures in history to have had sex. The journal "Nature" names a bony, three-inch-long fish that lived in lakes in what is now Scotland 385-million years ago. *They made the conclusion when they found two of the fossilized fish laying together sharing a cigarette. (Rick Fancy)

Toys R Us to remove “Breaking Bad” action figures.  The big box store is also rethinking other items as inappropriate.  *Mister Ebola Head. (Alan Ray) 

The NBA season begins next week.  *For the current Los Angeles Lakers, it’s not over ‘til the fat lady sings…*The National Anthem.  (Alan Ray) 

The parents of Honey Boo Boo, Mama Jean and Sugar Bear, have split for good. *Their attorney cited irreconcilable illiteracy.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Last week the Catholic Bishop’s Council said gays were welcome in the Catholic church. This week they say, gays go away. *Looks like a case of “Queen for a Day.” (Bill Williams)

Denver warned parents to keep watch for marijuana-laced candy this Halloween. The Kirstie Alley method is best. *Eat all the candy yourself. (Bill Williams)

Office supply chain, Staples, is investigating  a possible data breach. *A spokesperson  for the company  said the hackers gained access to the servers by using their "easy button" (Mike  Pritchett)

Rapper Snoop Dogg, turned 43 recently. *Or 301 in Dogg years. (Mike Pritchett )

Rapper, Snoop Dogg, celebrated a birthday recently. *He’s now forty thrizzle. (Mike Pritchett)

The legendary high fashion designer Oscar De La Renta has died the age of 82. *By pure chance or a highly ironic coincidence, that was also the average weight of New York’s Fashion Week model. (Bob Mills)

Apple has launched its long anticipated automatic pay system that will allow users to avoid using cash, checks or credit cards to pay for goods and services. Just a swipe of the phone withdraws money from your bank account. Just think of it. *The buyer of a new I-Phone can even swipe it right there in the Apple store and it pays for itself! (Bob Mills)

Dallas has released Michael Vick, the first NFL player to admit he’s gay. *Now the only way you can see an openly gay cowboy is to watch the Village People. (Bob Mills)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 10/23/14                
 
If the San Francisco Giants win the World Series, you can expect a big parade.  *San Francisco fans will have to figure out how to make a Giants baseball jersey look good with backless leather chaps.  (Rick Fancy)

Macy's announced it will open at six o'clock in the afternoon Thanksgiving for Christmas shoppers this year. It's the retail chain’s best weekend. *Thanksgiving Thursday is followed by Black Friday, which is followed by Small Business Saturday, followed by Identity Theft Monday.  (Argus Hamilton)

Colorado health officials seek to ban pot brownies.  Opposition to the proposed regulation slow to organize.  *They just can’t stop giggling.  (Alan Ray) 

Investors to buy Reebok for $2 billion.  The original asking price was $1 billion.  *But, they decided to purchase it through Foot Locker.   (Alan Ray) 

Dallas Cowboys cut only openly gay NFL player, Michael Sam, from practice squad. Cowboy players are furious. *There goes Tony Award party.  (Alex Kaseberg) 

Renee Zellweger had so much work done on her face...*she now goes by the name Bruce Jenner.   (Alex Kaseberg) 

There are 270 companies or services named ISIS in the US, so many are changing their names to something more marketable. *Like Ebola.   (Alex Kaseberg)

Space exploration experts at the Georgia Institute of Technology are developing a robotic version of the poisonous desert sidewinder they hope will someday explore the unstable surface of Mars. They had a workable prototype of another slithering creature but the robotic lawyer kept threatening to sue NASA. (Bob Mills)

The International Association of Undertakers and Mortuary Owners point out that, contrary to popular belief, a deceased’s hair and fingernails do not continue to grow after death. The increased length is caused by shrinkage. You know, like the family’s bank account following the services. (Bob Mills)

Charlie Sheen cancelled his marriage to former porn star Brett Rossi. And it was all her fault. *She wanted to make sure the best man was the best man. (Bill Williams) 

Bill Gates bought Jenny Craig’s horse farm in Southern California. The good news is Bill’s daughter can go horseback riding whenever she wants. *The bad news is Jenny Craig will have to find a new meat source for her meals. (Bill Williams)

Did you hear this? Some guy went around to fast food joints in St. Petersburg, Florida stealing bathroom fixtures. *He finally got caught trying to lift the knobs off a McDonald’s fry cook. (Bill Williams)


The Funny Firm - Wednesday 10/22/14              
 
 
A gang member turned rabbi has been arrested in New York for impersonating a police officer. A gang member, a rabbi, and a police officer. *Whenever he walks into a bar a joke basically writes itself.  (Paul Dudley)

Halloween is a little more than a week away.  Office parties feature 2 guys in horse’s costume.  One guy is the horse’s head.  *And the other guy is Donald Trump.  (Alan Ray) 

The World Series begins.  It's the time of year when a casual observer of the game starts paying attention.  *In baseball, these people are known as “umpires”.  (Alan Ray) 

Monica Lewinski is now on Twitter. Bill Clinton is on Twitter. Hillary Clinton is on Twitter. *This will not end well.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Dubbed “The Summer of Clunkers,” Warner Bros. suffered numerous box office disasters like the high budgeted “Jersey Boys,” and “Blended.”  *As it rolls out DC Comics proven favorites like “Batman vs. Superman,” “Wonder Woman,” and “Green Lantern,” the studio will lay off 2,000 employees -- everyone in their workforce who doesn’t look like, think like, or act like a cartoon character.   (Bob Wills)

The City of Houston, Texas exercising its newly passed nondiscrimination ordinance issued subpoenas to evangelical pastors for all sermons that included references to the city's newly elected lesbian mayor. *Lawyers for the fundamentalist Christian clerics appealed to the state's Supreme Court, claiming violation of Texas' Separation of Church and Are You Out of Your Mind provision.

The Paradise Funeral Chapel in Saginaw, Michigan offers mourners a drive-through window through which they can view their casket bound loved one, accompanied by a medley of religious ditties. *For a slight additional charge, a magnifying glass drops down to supersize the corpse.

The iPad Air 2 is 18 percent thinner than its predecessor. Troubles with being that thin and stylish though. *Every time you feed it data, it vomits Apps. (Bill Williams)

Famed fashion designer Oscar de la Renta has died at 82. In his time he designed pants for everyone. Movie stars, politicians, royalty. *In fact, if all the pants Oscar designed were placed end to end, they’d fit completely around Kim Kardashian. (Bill Williams)

Maggie is a new movie about a farmer's daughter who gets infected by a virus that turns her into a zombie. In horror movie lore, zombies are only able to survive by eating human brains. *This explains why the zombies invaded Washington D.C. last week and came back hungry. (Argus Hamilton)

The TSA screened arriving air passengers for Ebola at five major airports on the Eastern seaboard by taking their temperatures. They're just testing back east. *The West Coast is safe as long as you can't catch Ebola by sitting in a coffee shop and talking loudly about your script.  (Argus Hamilton)

A report says there is a shortage of breast implants available in Venezuela. *Apparently the shortage is a result of a sagging economy.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 10/21/14                
 
A group called Clowns of America International is criticizing the FX show “American Horror Story: Freak Show,” saying its portrayal of clowns feeds into the fear of clowns. *Clowns of America International is the biggest organization of clowns in the world…well, if you don’t count the NFL.  (Mark Wheeler)

The World Series begins tonight. The Kansas City Royals are known to score runs in bunches. *They touch the plate more often than Chris Christie. (Alan Ray)

Halloween is coming. How do you spot the kid in the Toronto mayor Rob Ford mask? *The candy goes in his nose. (Alan Ray)

Charlie Sheen called off his wedding to adult film star Scottine Rossi. Whenever she works, they are apart a lot. *But enough about her legs. (Alan Ray)

The Canadian Ebola vaccine looks very promising. *If Canada can rid themselves of Justin Bieber, they can get rid of anything. (Alex Kaseberg) 

Arkansas Supreme Court declares new voter ID Law unconstitutional. The state is going back to their old ways of voter registration. *Showing a hickey from your cousin. (Bill Williams)

Dubbed “The Summer of Clunkers,” Warner Bros. suffered numerous box office disasters like the high budgeted “Jersey Boys,” and “Blended.” As it rolls out DC Comics proven favorites like “Batman vs. Superman,” “Wonder Woman,” and “Green Lantern,” the studio will lay off 2,000 employees…everyone in their workforce who doesn’t look like, think like, or act like a cartoon character. (Bob Mills)

Amazon has completely revolutionized traditional Christmas gift giving. *This holiday season, they’ll hire 80,000 temporary employees at 50 distribution centers to ship gifts to 150,000 temporary postal workers who will sort and deliver them to customers who’ll most likely hold them temporarily before exchanging them for something they really want. (Bob Mills)

Television broadcasting as we’ve known it has become a technological dinosaur. Following the lead of Netflix and HBO, once venerable CBS will live stream its shows over the internet. *And catering to its more mature audience, the shows may be accessed on mobile devices, laptops or piped to them directly through an IV. (Bob Mills)

Arnold Schwarzenegger will star in a zombie movie titled Maggie about a guy whose daughter gets infected with a virus which turns her into a flesh-eating zombie. No one will want to see this. *The whole idea of going to the movies is to escape the drudgery of everyday life in America. (Argus Hamilton)

Italy's rascal billionaire Silvio Berlusconi's conviction for sex with underage hooker Ruby the Heartstealer was overturned by a court that agreed the then-prime minister didn't know Ruby was seventeen. Silvio has a way with women. *It's a few hundred bucks, but it's still a way.  (Argus Hamilton)

Encyclopedia Britannica is looking to increase its digital presence and gain users. The reference book is 246 years old. *Which means unfortunately the people there have apparently never heard of Google or Wikipedia.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Monday 10/20/14              
 
 
A 17-year-old girl was honored last week by the Nobel Committee to share this year’s Nobel Peace Prize. She survived an attack where she was shot 3 times. *Her name is Malala Yousafzai...but she's probably best know as 50 Cent Jr. (Paul Dudley)

To allow women easier passage up the corporate ladder, Facebook and Apple will pay employees between $5,000 and $15,000 to freeze their eggs to facilitate later pregnancies. *In keeping with long standing corporate policy, the eggs will be stored in the U.S. but the babies will be assembled overseas.  (Bob Mills)

Archeologists digging near Dumfriesshire, Scotland unearthed gold an silver Viking artifacts believed dating to 1014 AD. *Among the items were horned helmets worn in battle, elk skin covered shields, and a goatskin permit granting the state of Minnesota NFL team naming rights. (Bob Mills)

Chrysler has recalled 907,000 cars, including 470,000 2011 to 2014 Jeep Grand Cherokees, Chrysler 300s, and Dodge Chargers, Challengers and Durangos to correct defective parts that can cause fires. *Looks like Chrysler could use another bailout…only this time water in the buckets instead of money. (Bob Mills)

A 113 year old Minnesota woman has joined Facebook. She has a different kind of page. Her friends don’t post pics. *They post mortem. (Alan Ray)

Halloween is 2 weeks away. What are the decorations like at the home of a Baltimore Oriole? *Lots of scary stuff, just not many bats. (Alan Ray)

Lady Gaga to marry actor Taylor Kinney. The wedding ceremony will contain all the symbols. *The “something borrowed” will be Madonna’s act.  (Alan Ray)

The Giants are in the World Series. San Francisco is bursting with pride and plan a parade to celebrate. *It’ll be their first Pride Parade with everyone dressed. (Bill Williams)

The top 1 percent in the world have 48 percent of the money in the world. It’s called the “Inequality Measure.” *Gee, that sounds so much better than just plain greedy. (Bill Williams)

The Knicks Amar'e Stoudemire takes baths in red wine. This treatment is called: *"Why the rest of the world hates us."  (Alex Kaseberg)

It's an exciting World Series between the San Francisco Giants and the Kansas City Royals. *And Neil Patrick Harris is the host.  (Alex Kaseberg)

A new ad campaign is trying to explain the difference between smoking and eating marijuana. *Although if you can’t tell if you are smoking or eating pot, you are probably too stoned in the first place.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Friday 10/17/14                
 
Hulk Hogan says he's going to wrestle again.  He’s 61 and hasn’t wrestled in years.  *He still has a sleeper hold, unfortunately he’s one who ends up asleep.  (Paul Dudley)

Nielsen Ratings Service confessed a technical error caused incorrect television data over the past seven months. *Making ISIS and Ebola just summertime replacements for Keeping Up With The Kardashians. (Bill Williams)    

Euro Disney is losing money. They’re in the red. *So far in the red, the Hall of Presidents features Khrushchev. (Bill Williams)

The Kansas City Royals beat the Baltimore Orioles and are heading to the World Series. The Orioles had trouble scoring runs during the series. *They left more men stranded than Taylor Swift. (Alan Ray)

Gas prices have dropped across the U.S. Possible layoffs at service stations would affect seasonal workers. *The people who clean the rest rooms. (Alan Ray)

Dallas Cowboys running back Joseph Randle arrested for shoplifting at mall. He now feels just like Jerry Jones. *He’s trying to save face. (Alan Ray)

Dallas Cowboys running back Joseph Randle was arrested for shoplifting underwear and cologne from a Dillard's department store in Dallas on Monday. It's so sad. *One of these days, the U.S. economy's going to rebound and NFL players will be shoplifting at Neiman-Marcus again.  (Argus Hamilton)

Travelocity reported huge airline ticket sales for Christmas Eve travel across the country this holiday season. The Bible says the infant Jesus was born in a stable surrounded by pigs, sheep and cows.  *We commemorate that event each Christmas Day by entertaining our relatives.  (Argus Hamilton)

A survey conducted by the World Health Organization shows that there are now 2825 billionaires on the planet. Interviews with several of them confirm what most of us always suspected, a billion dollars will not buy happiness. *Most agreed that you need at least $3 billion to afford today’s high end real estate, automobiles, and restaurants.  (Bob Mills)

Initially expected to top the costume sweepstakes among Halloween trick-or-treaters this year, an $80 Ebola HazMat suit may be taken off the shelves by BrandsOnSale.  *Kids rejected it after learning that any candy they collect has to be held in isolation for 21 days.  (Bob Mills)

Ever conscious of pleasing their upscale customers, Whole Foods will begin ranking fruit and vegetables “good,” “better” and “best” based on the grower’s pesticide use and water conservation efforts. *If the program is successful, they’ll rank their prices also: “Pricey,” “Ridiculously Expensive” and “Only an Idiot Would Pay This Much.”  (Bob Mills)

A report says that more than half of all Americans are single now, compared with 37% back in 1976. *Which means the latest “Star Wars” release can expect at least a 13% increase in ticket sales.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 10/16/14              
 
 
On Monday they announced the Nobel Prize winner for economics. He gets about million dollars with the award. His award winning economic theory?  *Figure out how to win the Nobel Prize for Economics. (Paul Dudley

American Music Award nominations are out.  Justin Bieber is a heavy favorite in one category.  *Best performance by a single malt.  (Alan Ray) 

Before I got this gig I was an arborist. *In fact I once won an award for having the biggest ash in town. (Bill Williams)

A house in Missouri was so overrun with spiders the owners had to abandon it. *There were so many of the ugly brutes they could chase every ambulance in town at the same time. (Bill Williams)

National Football League owners had meetings in New York City last week where they discussed new ideas that include a pre-season exhibition game in Australia next year. It's only right. *Australia started out as a prison colony while the NFL has evolved into one. (Argus Hamilton)

CDC Director Tom Frieden urged all hospitals to provide the right protection to staffers against the spread of Ebola. Not all regions are alarmed. The disease still isn't an issue in Los Angeles, where the panic to stop Ebola is nowhere near as hysterical as the panic to stop aging. (Argus Hamilton)

Hollywood actresses demanded harsher laws against hackers who upload and post their private photos online. It drives down the price Playboy might pay them. *Hollywood people believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, wholesome and natural things that money can buy.  (Argus Hamilton)

Health officials began screening international passengers arriving at New York’s Kennedy Airport from Africa. *Those found to have a temperature of 101 or above are detained and as well as those suffering from nausea -- unless, of course, they ate the in-flight meal. (Bob Mills)

Southwest Airlines and other economy minded carriers keep in flight entertainment costs low by offering free wi-fi so travelers can view their own devices. The wi-fi system called BYOD -- Bring Your Own Device -- weighs only 70 pounds as opposed to heavy seatback screens. *Seeking even cheaper seating, Jet Blue is experimenting with BYOLC…Bring Your Own Lawn Chair.  (Bob Mills)

Universal Studios has unveiled plans to build a $3.3 billion, 300 acre theme park, city walk and resort hotel in Tongzhou, China. *Among the attractions will be “China’s Unique Heritage,” displays and reenactments celebrating the invention of gun powder, building ancient sampans, and assembling I-Pads. (Bob Mills)

A new Radar gun can reportedly catch drivers who are texting behind the wheel. *It works not only by measuring speed but also detecting the car’s movement from side to side across three lanes of traffic.  (Jim Barach)

Nine thousand customer service agents for American Airlines based in southern states have voted to unionize. Labor experts were shocked. *American Airlines has a customer service department?  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 10/15/14                
 
Twenty-two year old Dallas Cowboys running back Joseph Randle is facing theft charges.  Police in Frisco, Texas say Randle stole some items from a Dillard's Monday night.   *At this rate, NFL referees are going to have wear something other than black and white stripped uniforms on the field to keep from matching the players jumpsuits.  (Paul Dudley)

Halloween approaches. Soulless zombies knocking on your door with same refrain. *“I’m running for Congress. Please vote for me.”  (Alan Ray)

A report says demand for sperm donors is on rise. Not a lot of guys make final phase of such a program. *Many of them are yanked early.  (Alan Ray)

The NHL season has begun. When fans gyrate wildly in the third period, it can only mean one thing. *The men’s room is out of order.  (Alan Ray)

Homeland Security said airport screenings for Ebola are beginning at five major U.S. airports up and down the East Coast. That's a great comfort to all of us. *The TSA just announced that flyers can't carry more than three-to-four ounces of Ebola and it must be in a clear, zip-top bag.  (Argus Hamilton)

Reported in the Journal Nature is the discovery of cave paintings in Sulawesi, Indonesia estimated to be 40,000 years old. *Authentication by art experts was swift after a scan with ultraviolet light revealed they were signed “Barney Rubble.”  (Bob Mills)

Cane toads, introduced into Australia from Brazil, are increasing at six times the rate of other species, mainly because they’ve learned to jump in a straight line, the first toads to do so. Gourmet chefs at upscale restaurants believe their muscular legs will be worth a bundle. *Problem is they haven’t been able to catch one to find out. (Bob Mills)

The 7-Eleven franchise is experimenting with a healthier menu featuring whole wheat sandwiches, salads with low cal dressing, veggie wraps, and natural juices including gluten free smoothies. *Most stores will have a medical team standing by to treat regular customers for shock.  (Bob Mills)

Vatican changes age-old policy and says gays have something to offer the Catholic Church. *Good to hear they're finally going to remodel. (Bill Williams)

Mars Rover Curiosity finds humanoid statue on planet. NASA knows the alien builders have visited Earth. *It has Larry King suspenders. (Bill Williams)

In Georgia a man was shocked when the police mistakenly converged on his property and found he was growing…okra. *Your tax dollars at work: the fight against vegetables. (Jason Shaw)

Robert Downey Jr. is getting ready to ink another deal making 40 million to play Iron Man in three  Captain America movies. *Much respect for anyone who can turn iron into gold.  (Jason Shaw)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 10/14/14              
 
 
A woman in the U.K. recently held a wedding ceremony to marry herself. *That's going to an awkward honeymoon. (Paul Dudley)
 
*If you want to get her a present, she's registered at Bed, Ben and Jerry's. (Mark Wheeler) 

Paula Patton has filed for divorce from singer Robin Thicke. It’s rumored she cited cruelty. *All he wanted to do was sing “Blurred Lines”. (Alan Ray) 

Baseball’s postseason continues. The Kansas City Royals play tremendous defense. *They snag more flies than a Taco Bell worker. (Alan Ray) 

ESPN reports Colin Kaepernick is being hit with a 10-thousand-dollar penalty for donning a pair of Beats by Dre headphones around his neck in a post-game press conference. *NFL, did it seriously not occur to you the players you fine $10,000 for wearing Beats headphones are getting paid $20,000 by Beats? (Alex Kaseberg) 

The Supreme Court said no to Oklahoma's ban on gay marriage. *What else could they do where even the wind is so gay it sweeps down the plain. (Bill Williams)

AT&T developed the car phone and the first call was made this month in 1947. *It was from a traveling salesman to his wife telling her the farmer’s daughter meant nothing to him. (Bill Williams)

According to a new study by the Caffeine Genetics Consortium which monitored 120,000 coffee drinkers, two genes in coffee beans may have beneficial health effects. *On the downside, however, several others may be harmful, causing drinkers to loose their common sense and repeatedly pay as much as $7.00 for blends with exotic names like Espresso Grande and Latte Supremo.  (Bob Mills)

Twenty-two year old Euro Disney near Paris which never caught on with visitors will receive a $1.3 billion bailout from Disney to avoid the embarrassment bankruptcy. The signs have been there for some time. *For instance, Mickey was spotted moonlighting as a guide at the Eiffel Tower and three dwarfs regularly work as extras in “Game of Thrones.”  (Bob Mills)

Just as predicted by the anti-pot crowd, the legalization of medical marijuana in Washington state is already causing problems. Wildlife officials have observed that salmon swimming in rivers near marijuana farms appear to be effected by the irrigation runoff. *Uncharacteristic behavior includes swimming in circles and buying snacks at 7-Eleven. (Bob Mills)

Brett Favre's NFL record of five hundred and eight touchdown passes could fall to Peyton Manning. Of course, Favre accumulated his record over a much longer career. *Brett Favre is the only player who was drafted by both the Atlanta Falcons and the Confederate Army.  (Argus Hamilton)

NBC News cameraman Ashoka Mukpo flew home to the U.S. after contracting Ebola while covering Ebola in Africa. He's the fifth Ebola victim who has been flown back from West Africa to the United States by U.S. health officials. *Clearly these people have never seen a zombie movie.  (Argus Hamilton)


The Funny Firm - Monday 10/13/14              
 
 
The new super-charged Corvette can go from zero to 60 in three seconds. *It's so fast it'll completely spill the middle aged balding man's bottle of ensure. (Paul Dudley)

The Federal Communications Commission fined the Marriott Corporation $600,000 for blocking wi-fi that was supposed to be for the use of guests. The hotel will recoup their losses quickly, though. *From now on, they plan to provide the wi-fi…at $60 a minute. (Bob Mills)

1960s hoops icon Wilt Chamberlain will be honored by the U.S. Postal Service with his own stamp. In his autobiography “A View From Above,” WILT claims to have slept with 10,000 women over the course of his career on the boards. *Which means that for many women licking his stamp will just seem like old times.  (Bob Mills)

Lincoln Logs, invented almost a century ago and a popular item in every kid’s toy box, will be manufactured in the U.S. after decades of being made in China. *But parents may have a hard time explaining why the cabin their kid built still has a Chinese mortgage on it.  (Bob Mills)

Queen Elizabeth has bestowed an honorary knighthood on billionaire and former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg. Because he’s not a UK citizen he can’t be called Sir Michael. *But I know he’d like it if you called him Sir Billionaire.  (Argus Hamilton)

Olympic gold medal star Michael Phelps checked into rehab after his second DUI, indicating that his life is right on schedule. Most young people have to reach the age of thirty before they realize that life is not a fairy tale. *If you lose your slipper at midnight, you're drunk.  (Argus Hamilton)

The FBI arrested a nineteen year-old Muslim American kid at O’Hare Airport in Chicago for trying to fly to Turkey and fight for ISIS . He's fearless. *To fight for Islam he was willing to risk strafing, car bombs and machine gun fire, and that was just on the way to O'Hare Airport. (Argus Hamilton)

Halloween approaches. Why won’t a trick or treater in a Wiz Khalifa mask ring your doorbell? *He’s already buzzed. (Alan Ray)

Another Sunday in the NFL is in the books. Seattle Seahawks have most consistent offense in football. *They’ve gone 20 consecutive quarters without an arrest.  (Alan Ray)

The ALCS and NLCS begin. The outcome in postseason baseball is like the White House security detail. *No one has anything locked up.  (Alan Ray)

A report says that tracking chips will be coming to the NHL soon which will monitor players’ speed and movement on the ice. *More importantly, after a brawl it will be able to match up which teeth found on the ice belong to which player and who has what blood type for transfusions.  (Jim Barach)

A survey shows that the number of billionaires in the world has reached a record high of 2,325. On one hand, people are impressed that so many people can become that rich. *On the other hand, they figure it can’t be that difficult if one of them is Donald Trump.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Friday 10/10/14                
 
The world's largest convenience store chain, 7-Eleven, is testing a new line of food that the company calls "nutritionally balanced." Their healthier menu will include a choice of sandwiches, salads, wraps, and four cold-pressed juices.  *However, if you visit 7-Eleven at 2am with a case of the munchies, is it still considered healthy if you buy one of each?  (Paul Dudley)

“Annabelle,” which cost Warner Bros. only $6.5 million to make earned a whopping $37 million on its opening weekend. To the casual observer, Annabelle appears to be an ordinary child’s toy but with one important difference. *This one turned out to be stuffed with money.  (Bob Mills)

Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps has entered a Baltimore rehab center after being busted for driving under the influence of alcohol. *His publicist attempted to put a positive spin on the case, pointing out that his client posted the fastest time in Maryland history walking a straight line. (Bob Mills)

Web sites catering to marijuana users are proliferating. There’s one for those seeking a bed and breakfast called “Cot ‘n’ Pot.com,” a site devoted to surrogate parenthood called “Seed ‘n’ Weed,” and the popular sit for potheads who light up while listening to Frank Sinatra records called “Dooby-Dooby-Doo.com”  (Bob Mills)

Robin Thicke's wife has filed for divorce. *Sheesh...you do one video with gorgeous topless supermodels…  (Jason Shaw)

AMC has not only given the green light to a sixth season of The Walking Dead, but a spin-off is now in the works.  * I don't know about you, but I don't want anything to do with something that "spins off" of a zombie. (Jason Shaw)

Two Americans and one German have won Nobel Prize in Chemistry. These men continue to work on an elusive quagmire. *How to talk to a girl.  (Alan Ray)

Someone pointed a laser at Buffalo players during an NFL game at Detroit. Several had trouble seeing plays. *They were reduced to refs.  (Alan Ray)

Apple has issued a statement on their new iPhone 6 saying the phone will not bend if you sit on it. *Results may vary for Kardashian sisters.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Fox News interviewed an immunologist who said his top worry is Ebola will mutate and become airborne. Mutations are lethal. *We all know what happened when pro football players mutated this year and developed a resistance to the soothing effect of elevator music.  (Argus Hamilton)

Kim Kardashian released photos of her baby daughter playing with dolls of her parents on the baby's first birthday, one of them a Kim Kardashian doll and one of them a Kanye West doll. The baby's name is North. *Leave it to the Kardashians to name of their girls after a pole. (Argus Hamilton)

Microsoft has announced it will be laying off 2,100 employees. *The hardest part will be getting the word out to their workers who use Outlook and use a PC that’s operated by Windows 8.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 10/9/14              
 
 
Red Bull has agreed to settle a lawsuit based on the slogan it has used for almost 2 decades.  Red Bull is paying a 13-million dollar legal settlement because the energy drink doesn't actually give you wings.  *Get ready for the new, more truthful slogan…Redbull, It gives you jitters.  (Mark Wheeler)  

The MLB postseason continues.  The Kansas City Royals have amazing speed.  *They reach first base faster than a Kardashian blind date.  (Alan Ross)

Salmon is being poisoned in waters near pot farms. It’s affected behavior as well. Now when they jump a ladder, they giggle uncontrollably.  (Alan Ross)

USA Swimming banned Michael Phelps 6 months.  In his eyes, “jack and coke” and “on your mark” are alike. *In both, it’s “bottoms up”.  (Alan Ross) 

FBI is seeking help identifying the ISIS spokesperson with the North American accent. Me? *I think it’s Ben Affleck.  (Alex Kaseberg)

The Supreme Court overturned Oklahoma's ban on gay marriage. The state was cornered. *The court ruled that Oklahoma, no matter how conservative, how Southern, how religious, made its deal with the devil when they agreed to be named after a Broadway musical.  (Argus Hamilton)

President Obama called for tighter controls over who can board America-bound flights from Africa. He called for stronger airport security questionnaires to help detect Ebola. *Right now if you answer yes to any three out of the twenty questions given, you might be an alcoholic.  (Argus Hamilton)

An alarming Pew Research study shows that 31% of the nation’s millennials don’t read, watch, download, click, Tweet, post or text topical news of any kind. *So we can assume they won’t hear about the worldwide threat posed by the Ebola virus until either Honey Boo-boo or one of the Kardashians catches it. (Bob Mills)

Protestors seeking democracy continue to congregate by the hundreds of thousands in Hong Kong. *While the marchers insist that they are totally self-reliant and don’t need mainland China, they had to admit that their protest signs were printed in Taiwan.  (Bob Mills)

A British man killed his BFF after finding out the guy “poked” his girlfriend on Facebook. I know him!  *He’s the same guy who killed his uncle for “pull my finger.” (Bill Williams)

Hilton is selling the Waldorf-Astoria to a Chinese insurance company for $1.95 billion. New owners promise to change nothing. *Except, 30 minutes after checking out you'll want to check in. (Bill Williams)

An ancient Egyptian woman was discovered wearing hair extensions 3,300 years ago. *The discovery finally puts to rest the question of what happened to Cher’s original beautician.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 10/8/14                
 
The world's oldest clown, Floyd "Creaky" Creekmore of Montana, recently passed away at age 98.  *It was the funniest open casket funeral ever.  (Paul Dudley) 

The Coast Guard is waiting for the Drug Enforcement Agency to pick up a truckload of cocaine.  Coast Guard crews unloaded more than 28-thousand pounds of cocaine in San Diego on Monday after making 18 drug busts in recent weeks. 

A Texas meat processor recalled 90,000 pounds of beef for metal parts. Marketing had tried to spin it positive. *“Fortified with Minerals.”  (Alan Ray)

Wilt Chamberlain will be honored with a postage stamp.  Post Office was going to honor a famous female athlete as well.  *But Bruce Jenner said “no”.  (Alan Ray)

Kansas City faces Baltimore in ALCS.  What do you call a guy who watches these games on his butt in the living room?  *A Los Angeles Angel.  (Alan Ray) 

Larry King's Dodgers seats are right behind home plate. *He hasn't had seats this good since he cheered for the Christians to beat the lions.  (Alex Kaseberg) 

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un hasn't been seen in public for about a month. *Has anyone thought to check Dennis Rodman's man cave?  (Alex Kaseberg)

According to a study conducted by the World Health Organization, half of the world’s animal species that existed 40 years ago are now extinct. *This includes ocean sea life, amphibians, reptiles, mammals and competent Secret Service agents. (Bob Mills)

This week marks the first time a World Series was broadcast on radio when WJZ in Newark, New Jersey covered the Yankees and Giants in 1947. The Yanks won the opener 3-0 but lost the series 5 games to 3. *It was also the first year that Hollywood bimbos started dating Yankee rookies.  (Bob Mills)

The 100-mile stretch of highway between Nogales and Tucson, Arizona is the only road in the U.S. where distance is measured in kilometers. But it pays to plan ahead. *If you stop to buy gas, you'll get your change in Euros. (Bob Mills)

The FDA has approved a fast acting drug for treatment of Erectile Dysfunction. *Which is great for men who wanted to get rid of the time they had to actually talk to their partners while waiting for the older drugs to work. (Jim Barach)

Michael Vick says that Roger Goodell is doing a “great job” as NFL Commissioner. *Which is about as meaningful an endorsement as having Adam Sandler recommend your film for Oscar consideration.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 10/7/14              
 
 
Some people say using Apple's new iPhone 6 can be rather painful.  iPhone 6 users are complaining that the seam where the aluminum and glass pulls their hair when they make calls.  *Usually when people with an iPhone pull their hair out, it’s when they’re on hold with AT and T customer service.  (Paul Dudley)

Coca-Cola and Pepsi Cola are squaring off in what promises to be a tussle to end all tussles. Both are introducing new low-cal versions of their popular soft drinks, Coke’s called “Life” and Pepsi’s called “True.” This could get ugly. But, thank goodness, any injuries will be treated by Dr. Pepper.  (Bob Mills)

“The View” star Joy Behar is appearing off-Broadway at New York City’s Cherry Lane Theater in her own one-woman show called “Me, My Mouth, & I.” In her case it’s called an “off Broadway shoutout .”  (Bob Mills)

Route 66 will soon have musical accompaniment. New Mexico officials have approved a plan to install a series of rumble strips between Albuquerque and Tijeras that will reward drivers who maintain the speed limit and punish those who don’t. The safe motorists will hear Bobby Troup’s “Route 66,” and the scofflaws hear Yanni elevator classics.  (Bob Mills)

A Rod is serious about his return to Major League Baseball next year. So serious he’s been training like an NFL player. *Already beat up three girlfriends, and all three have agreed to marry him. (Bill Williams) 

Windows 10 is coming out and this one is definitely more user friendly. When it crashes you don’t have that tired old Control, Alt, Delete anymore. *Just hit the WTF button. (Bill Williams)

The maker of Angry Birds to cut 16% of workforce. HR tried to be positive to affected employees. *“You will have more time to pay Angry Birds.” (Alan Ray) 

FCC fined Marriot $600,000 for blocking guest Wi-Fi. Commissioners to settle for half that. *They want something from the mini-bar. (Alan Ray)

Baseball’s postseason continues. How is a Washington National pitcher like a politician in DC? *They both try to put something by you. (Alan Ray)

Lincoln Logs will once again be made in the U.S. *It’s the only way that most people will be able to afford to build a home that is American made and won’t be at risk of being foreclosed.  (Jim Barach)

U.S. food makers say they will cut 6.4 Trillion calories from their products by next year. It was easy. *They just put half the food they used to in all their packages.  (Jim Barach)

A study says that trauma and food addiction are linked in women. *Anyone knows that who has tried to take a piece of chocolate away from their wife.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Monday 10/6/14                
 
The head of the Secret Service, Julia Pierson, resigned last week. We found out that she once worked at Disney World. *She was clearly qualified to run the secret service, she had a ton of experience working for a Mickey Mouse operation.  (Mark Wheeler)

“Annabelle” opens in movie theaters. A couple discovers a vintage doll in the house is satanic. *She behaves just like Niki Minaj. (Alan Ray)

Baseball’s postseason begins. The Dodgers’ Clayton Kershaw is best pitcher in baseball. *He’s got nastier stuff than a Anthony Weiner tweet. (Alan Ray)

The US Federal Trade Commission accused a firm selling bras with caffeine of false claims. Undergarment changes how guys talk. *“Whoa, look at the grande’s on her.”  (Alan Ray)

It takes 90 lbs of pressure to bend the iPhone 6.* Which is unfortunate, because 90 lbs is the average weight of hipsters in skinny jeans. (Alex Kaseberg) 

In Paris a fight broke out between Justin Bieber’s posse and the paparazzi. *As soon as the fight started, 20 French bystanders surrendered.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Now that the first victim has been diagnosed in the U.S., the CDC is averting panic by insisting that the Ebola Virus isn’t transmittable until the victim shows the first symptoms. *My question is: Do we at least get a courtesy sneeze to give us time to withdraw gracefully?  (Bob Mills)

The estate of the late Marilyn Monroe, who generates the third highest annual dead celebrity revenue -- after Elvis and Michael Jackson -- is battling the creators of hologram technology over the right to display Marilyn’s image. *The suit is being closely watched by the Kardashians who are holograms of actual celebrities.  (Bob Mills)

French police pulled over a speeding limo with Vatican plates and found cocaine and pot. An arrest was made. *The cops didn't buy the driver's story that the star in the sky which the Three Wise Men followed to Bethlehem was a Disco Ball. (Argus Hamilton)

A new media site called Netropolitan is designed to be a Facebook for rich people. It's six thousand dollars to join and a three thousand dollar a year member's fee. *It's so exclusive that for cyber-sex they read each other the L.A. Times Sunday real estate section.  (Argus Hamilton)

Dating sites are being created that cater to people who smoke marijuana. *Those are the sites where all the profile pictures have red eyes and it isn’t because of the camera. (Jim Barach)

Two skeletons were unearthed in England that had been holding hands while buried for 700 years. *The last time two skeletons were seen holding hands was at a supermodel fashion show. (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Friday 10/3/14              
 
 
The Bravo TV network is under fire after it let go 16 show editors after they tried to unionize.  *Which is really strange, most people on Bravo are much more interested in trying to accessorize.  (Paul Dudley)

Chiefs Husain Abdullah penalized for kneeling to Allah.  Why won’t you see a Jaguar hit with that?  *A prayer is something they don’t have.  (Alan Ray)
 
Michael Phelps has been busted for DUI. Record books show accomplishments. A 1:55 in butterfly.  A 1:59 in individual medley.  *A .19 in breathalyzer.  (Alan Ray) 

Jets quarterback Geno Smith apologized for cursing at a fan. He faces a harsh penalty.  *He may have to play another game with the Jets.  (Alan Ray) 

Justin Bieber and Kendal Jenner were in Paris having a romantic dinner. *If they ever have a kid, we need to check it for the 666 sign.  (Alex Kaseberg) 

Right about now George Clooney is realizing:  *A, he married a lawyer and, B, he lives in a joint property state.  (Alex Kaseberg) 

Plastic grocery bags banned in CA. Now if you want something cheap, plastic and bad for the environment, you have to date a Kardashian.  (Alex Kaseberg)

A sheriff in a Northern Ireland county is issuing scratch ‘n’ sniff cards to local residents so they will recognize the smell of marijuana and report anyone they suspect of cultivating it. We don’t need that in the states. *We just scratch ‘n’ sniff Willie Nelson.  (Bob Mills)

After Burger King of Tokyo debuted it’s new “Black Kuro Burger,” McDonald’s answered with its own octopus entree it calls the “Black Ink Squid Burger.” *Mickey may have the best ad campaign, though, aimed at the fitness crowd. They claim the workout from arm wrestling it neutralizes the calories. (Bob Mills)

Pessimists say genetically modified food could cause men to grow breasts. *So what’s the problem? (Bill Williams)

The inventor of Rogaine has died at 91. Like all Rogaine users his name is confidential. *And like all Rogaine users, he’ll be buried with his baseball cap on. (Bill Williams) 

China is awash with protesters shouting for democracy. And Obama may be letting it go to his head. *In a speech at the UN he said, “Mr. Mao, tear down this Great Wall.” (Bill Williams)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 10/2/14                
 
Apple is adding gold to its iPad options to help boost lackluster tablet sales. Bloomberg says the company will roll out the new gold-colored backings for 9.7-inch iPads next month.  *Now your iPad can also be iTacky. (Paul Dudley)

The MLB postseason is here. The Detroit Tigers play superb defense. *They stop more rallies than the Chinese military. (Alan Ray)

The Oakland Raiders fired coach Dennis Allen. The termination was conducted far away from the players. *It was held in the end zone. (Alan Ray)

Never one to miss a marketing opportunity, Cowboy owner, Jerry Jones, has announced new stadium seating options.  *An Ebola Free section. (Alex Kaseberg)

Ninety-two year old dermatologist Dr. Gunter Kahn, credited with changing the lives of countless men with his discovery of Rogaine, a chemical formula which could restore hair growth on bald heads, has passed on in South Florida. *In his memory, Donald Trump lowered the flags in front of his office buildings to half staff. (Bob Mills)

California Governor Jerry Brown signed a measure that requires students at all state owned colleges including USC, UCLA and Occidental, to “give affirmative consent” before engaging in sexual activity. May be unconstitutional, though. *To be enforceable, there must be a pre-signed agreement drafted by a UC law student. (Bob Mills)

This week marks the 50th anniversary of the television debut of “Gilligan’s Island” which ran for three seasons and became an American cultural phenomenon. *Deemed pure fantasy at the time, the story of five passengers stranded on a desert island today seems totally plausible given the fate of the average passenger on a Carnival Cruise. (Bob Mills)

The White House endorsed a proposal to require every policeman in America to wear a mini-camera on their lapel while they're on duty. Every arrest would be recorded on tape. *The idea's being sold as a way for Americans to keep up with their favorite NFL players. (Argus Hamilton)

Peter Fonda will auction the Harley Davidson he rode while starring in the movie Easy Rider in the late Sixties. You just had to be there. *Hippies believed that if everyone smoked a joint at the same time, we'd have world peace for an hour, followed by a global foot shortage. (Argus Hamilton)

Pizza Hut is testing a new “skinny slice” pizza that has fewer calories by using less dough and skimping on the toppings. Don’t we already have that? *It’s called Little Caesar’s.  (Jim Barach)

The Air Force has dropped the phrase “So help me God” from its oath of enlistment. *Apparently they figure their pilots will get religious enough when they get into a dogfight with two enemy fighter jets at 30,000 feet.  (Jim Barach)

Clemson University is being criticized for asking prospective students to give details about their sex lives. *Apparently the school doesn’t realize that many entering freshmen don’t even have a sex life which is why they enrolled in college in the first place. (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 10/1/14              
 
 
Microsoft announced the name of their new operating system, it’s called Windows 10.  The company went from Windows 8 to Windows 10 skipping 9 saying they were in search of the perfect name.  *Windows 10 does have a ring to it, it’ll be so much easier to scream at the top of your lungs as you watch your computer crash. (Paul Dudley)

The price of gas continues to fall.  This could cause layoffs at service stations.  *And you think restrooms are dirty now.  (Alan Ray)

Pope Benedict showed up at an event with Pope Francis.  It was a bit awkward to say the least.  *They were wearing the same outfits.   (Alan Ray)

Seven-time Olympic gold medalist, Michael Phelps, was arrested for his second DUI. *Phelps was so drunk he thinks he’s an NFL player.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Lady Gaga split with her longtime manager. He wasn’t sophisticated enough for her. *To him, aged beef was a Big Mac left out overnight. (Bill Williams) 

The iPhone 6 bends when carried in a back pocket. *One day in Kim Kardashian’s back pocket turned hers into an oPhone. (Bill Williams)

NASA scientists are delighted with the data being gathered by its Maven spacecraft which is now 22,000 miles above Mars. Images being gathered of the surface of the Red Planet reveal topography never before seen. *The cutting edge digital images are so detailed, you can even make out the Chinese flag.  (Bob Mills)

Shocking Pew Research Center study shows that only 36% of Americans are able to name all three branches of the government. *Even more pathetic, 23% of those who missed guessed “Fox,” “CNN” and “MSNBC.” (Bob Mills) 

Ben Kingsley and Simon Pegg star in “The Boxtrolls,” a bunch of gnome-like creatures who raise an orphaned human who helps them escape from their arch enemy Archibald Snatcher. *Not to be confused with “The Botox Trolls,” a documentary starring the cast of “The View.”  (Bob Mills)

Tim Tebow's role as a college football analyst was expanded after he displayed so much wit and humor and enthusiasm in his SEC football commentary. He's just patiently biding his time in the studio. *Soon there will be no one left to play in the NFL except Tim Tebow. (Argus Hamilton)

Anheuser-Busch issued a statement expressing their disappointment in the way the NFL is dealing with spousal abuse cases. It had to get the commissioner's attention. *You know your league is in trouble when alcohol is disappointed in the way you are handling things.  (Argus Hamilton)

A snail that was thought to be extinct for the past 17 years was found on an atoll in the Indian Ocean. *The snail was discovered about three feet from where it was last seen in 1997.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 9/30/14                
 
Derek Jeter has played his last major league baseball game. *He says he's stepping down so he can spend more time with his supermodels. (Mark Wheeler)

Despite rumors, Volkswagen announced that it has no plans to build a modern version of its legendary micro bus, a permanent fixture at Woodstock and a favorite among early rockers and roadies. *The company shelved the plan after a preliminary study showed it would have to compete with the music industry's current vehicle of choice, a bullet riddled Cadillac Escalade. (Bob Mills)

Having lost market share to Apple’s I-Phones and Google’s Android phones, the Canadian made Blackberry “Passport” smart phone hopes to get back into the fray. And it’s not a Passport in name only. *Before users can activate it, they have to have it checked and stamped by a Customs Officer.   (Bob Mills)

The United Arab Emirates first female fighter pilot, Maj. Mariam Al Mansouri, a squadron commander who fly an F-16 fighter jet is likely among those conducting air strikes on ISIS strongholds. Looks to be a fine pilot, too, if nicknames mean anything. *Among her squadron peers, she’s referred to as a “Top Gunette.”  (Bob Mills)

Mariam al-Mansour, that female Arab fighter pilot has the same goal as the terrorists she’s bombing. Virgins in Heaven. *Only she plans to put some there. (Bill Williams)

George Clooney got married. To a lawyer! They vow to do everything together. On Sunday they’ll rest. Monday thru Wednesday, make movies. *Thursday thru Saturday, chase ambulances. (Bill Williams)

The Post Office has started delivering packages on Sunday. Trying to be competitive with Fed Ex it looks like. *So everyone’s been taking package throwing lessons. (Bill Williams)

The FDA is investigating false claims about male enhancement drugs. Agency examiners will carefully go over the data. *Inch by inch.  (Alan Ray)

A survey claims one-in-ten US workers have gone to work high. *Asked to comment, one worker said; “Wow, one in ten? That’s like 30%.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Pizza Hut has a pizza with cheese and bacon stuffed in the crust. *It’s their new Coronary Thrombosis Lovers Pizza.  (Alex Kaseberg)

A study says that less than one quarter of adults 45 or older meet muscle strength recommendations. *Although if the study only measured thumb muscles, thanks to texting we would be the strongest nation on the planet.  (Jim Barach)

The White House press secretary admitted that US troops were on the ground in the Middle East in an advisory capacity. They're always going to world trouble spots. *Last week, president Obama sent four hundred U.S. troops to Iraq and five hundred troops to the NFL. (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Monday 9/29/14              
 
 
In sad news, the parents of Honey Boo Boo, Mama June and Sugar Bear, have split up. *Mama June says, it's OK, there are plenty of other fish in the sea. *Unfortunately she plans to batter, fry and eat them all. (Paul Dudley)

Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig has convened a group to study ways to speed up the game to better complete with the NFL. *One solution being considered is to ban those game-delaying mound conferences, requiring managers to text message their pitchers instead. (Bob Mills)

After a separation of almost a year, Kris Kardashian has filed for divorce from Olympic gold medalist Bruce Jenner. *While attracting world headlines due to the family name, the case is notable on another level as well. It’s the first use of an obscure California domestic relations law which allows for divorce on the grounds of “irreconcilable cosmetic facial alterations.”  (Bob Mills)

According to a survey conducted by the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the most dangerous jobs include taxi drivers and loggers.  *Closely followed by circus high wire artists, rodeo cowboys and NFL wives.  (Bob Mills)

Apple released and pulled iOS 8.0.1 on the same day. *Mainly because Alex Trebeck couldn't put it in the form of a question. (Bill Williams)

A London chef has created a burger he says tastes like human flesh. I had one and it tasted a little Scottish. *You know, chicken. (Bill Williams)

The Maven spacecraft is 22,000 miles above Mars.  *It’s sending pictures to NASA that are so detailed you can see where men are from. (Bill Williams)

Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a baby girl early Saturday morning. Little Charlotte came into the room late, screamed at everyone then smiled sweetly. *Sounds like that girl’s ready for a pants suit. (Bill Williams)

Another weekend in the NFL. What is Roger Goodell’s favorite game time cheer? *“Block that investigation.”  (Alan Ross)

“The Boxtrolls” open in theaters. This animated feature has a lot of fast moving action. *The 4 year olds around you won’t sit still.  (Alan Ross)

Kris and Bruce Jenner headed for divorce court. Tough thing is there are dependents. *Together they have two wonderful plastic surgeons.  (Alan Ross)

iPhone 6 is bending in hipsters too-tight, skinny jeans. *Which is ironic because I always tell hipsters in skinny jeans to get bent.   (Alex Kaseberg)

The Funny Firm - Friday 9/26/14                
 
McDonalds is experimenting with a new menu offerings called “McBrunch.” It's an attempt to lure a very specific demographic to their restaurants. *Gay men who love fast food. (Paul Dudley)

Colorado cops busted drug ring for selling meth from a taco truck. Agents suspected something was up by the menu. *A cup of ice was $3,000. (Alan Ray) 

Another Sunday of NFL action is on the way. When a high powered offense moves ball down field, it’s no contest. *In fact, that’s how many of them plea. (Alan Ray) 

The Dodgers head to the postseason. You’ve gotta admire their starting rotation. *Opponents have fewer hits than M. Night Shyamalan. (Alan Ray)

A Wisconsin man has ailment which causes 100 orgasms a day. *To stop this, Doctors have prescribed binge-watching "The View." (Alex Kaseberg) 

The reason Marine guards let that guy into the White House is they thought he worked there. *He saluted them with a coffee cup. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Los Angeles County Vector Control District reports an increase in mosquitoes carrying the West Nile Virus. *Entomologists from the CDC point out that the West Nile species is easier to identify than the others -- when squashed on a car’s windshield, the outline looks like a profile of Cleopatra.  (Bob Mills)

Expecting any day now, Chelsea Clinton went shopping with mom. *She bought some diapers, a teething ring, a stroller, and a maternity pants suit. (Bob Mills)

The Hollywood Sheriff's Department will soon be wearing cop cams. *Of course, this being Hollywood, makeup and lighting won't be far behind. (Bob Mills)

While exploring the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico scientists discovered an underwater jellyfish-like creature that isn’t a single creature. It’s two creatures in one, called a “siphonophore.” *They say the closest thing to it on land is the “Branjelina.” (Bill Williams) 

Pabst Blue Ribbon beer has been sold for $700 Million. *When anyone asks if it is good beer, the answer is that it got someone drunk enough to buy Pabst Blue Ribbon beer for $700 Million.  (Jim Barach)

A survey says that 37% of people in a relationship are hiding money from their partners. *The other 63% are men who are more interested in hiding their Facebook password from their wives which could cost them half of everything they own. (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 9/25/14              
 
 
Some sad news, Bruce and Kris Jenner are getting a divorce.  At one time Bruce Jenner was the most famous Olympic athlete in the world, winning the Olympic gold medal in the Men’s Decathlon.  *The good news is, Bruce can now try and win the gold medal in the Women’s Decathlon.  (Mark Wheeler)

Kris Jenner filed for divorce from Bruce Jenner. She looks fantastic for a woman her age. *And Kris is pretty attractive too. (Alan Ray)

Miss America was kicked out of a sorority for hazing. Humiliating young women isn’t behavior of a pageant winner. *That would be a pageant mom. (Alan Ray)

Al-Qaeda is trying to expand to India. Recruitment posters for suicide bombers aren’t that appealing. *“Lots of upward mobility”.  (Alan Ray)

A new study shows some dogs are pessimists. *That is true, my dog is a toilet-bowl-is-half-empty kind of dog. (Alex Kaseberg)

In sad news, the parents of Honey Boo Boo, Mama June and Sugar Bear, have split up. *The couple cited irreconcilable incoherence. (Alex Kaseberg)

In Las Vegas, Mike Tyson shielded and calmed an injured motorcycle driver. *It was a sweet story right until Tyson bit off the guy’s ear.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Billionaire Peter Thiel is investing in cutting edge technology to extend human life and delay the onset of death for as long as possible without relying on diet and exercise. He made his fortune by inventing Pay Pal. *He plans to call his new company “Sedentary Lifestyle Pal.”  (Bob Mills)

McDonalds is experimenting with a new menu item to be called “McBrunch.” *Named after the age-old American meal that falls somewhere between breakfast and lunch -- now honored by fast food franchise that falls somewhere between a restaurant and a vending machine. (Bob Mills)

U.S. News and World Report revealed that a federal judge has halted Detroit's bankruptcy proceeding because a settlement's near. That's good news. *Detroit is so broke that to raise money for municipal services the mayor is sending out e-mails claiming to be a Nigerian prince. (Argus Hamilton)

Princeton University released a survey that demonstrates that falling in love and having sex makes you smarter. It's really cyclical. *Falling out of love and having no sex makes you stupid but the royalties you'll earn from the country song you write about it make you rich. (Argus Hamilton)

The Mars Curiosity Rover finally made it to Mt. Sharp two years after a spacecraft landed the rover on the Red Planet. That's the destination point. *It took the Mars Curiosity Rover two years to travel five miles, making it by far the fastest government project in existence. (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 9/24/14                
 
In Los Angeles they're having something called the "Vegan Oktoberfest." Beer drinking and vegan food. *It's always good to know that at the end of the night that what you'll be puking up is certified organic.  (Paul Dudley)

The 14th season of “American Idol” starts. What does a judge say to someone with no talent? *“So, how long you been with One Direction?” (Alan Ray)

Robin Thicke admits he came up with “Blurred Lines” in half hour. Most are shocked at the confession.“  *That took a half hour?” (Alan Ray)

Mama June and Sugar Bear from Honey Boo Boo done. It’s different in rural Georgia. *When a spouse leaves home, he often takes it with him. (Alan Ray)

Cadets at the Air Force Academy have vowed to fly the Academy flag from the highest peaks in each of the 50 states. *Not to be confused with students from the University of Florida who have vowed to get high fifty times in one of the flattest states.  (Bob Mills)

A Los Angeles judge sentenced Ronald Snyder to 17 years in prison on one count each of assault with a semi-automatic firearm, first degree residential burglary, grand theft, criminal threats, witness tampering, and illegal possession of a silencer. Snyder who’s 76 pleaded that he wouldn’t live long enough to complete his sentence. *The judge told him “Well, do the best you can.” (Bob Mills)

Nothing but problems ahead for the long anticipated Apple Watch. Engineers are working furiously to determine how to extend the product’s battery life which, incredibly, is only one day. *Engineers at Samsung point out that apples picked from a tree last longer than that.  (Bob Mills)

California former governor Arnold Schwarzenegger flew up to Sacramento this past week for the official unveiling of his governor's portrait in the California State Capitol rotunda. The portrait of the governor is so lifelike. *They put it right on top of Arnold's housekeeper's portrait. (Argus Hamilton) 

Roger Goodell told CBS he never saw the video of Ray Rice hitting his fiancée but the cops said they sent the video to the NFL commissioner's office last April. There's an innocent explanation. *The video got buried in a stack of other videos of NFL players doing illegal things.  (Argus Hamilton)

Gatorade is saying goodbye to retiring Yankee Derek Jeter with a 90 second tribute advertisement. *Although you know you are only really special when someone dumps a bucket of the sports drink on your head.  (Jim Barach)

An appeals court has rejected a $1 Million lawyers’ fee for a class action suit against Radio Shack that awarded plaintiffs $830,000 in merchandise coupons. *The court’s decision was based on the fact that Radio Shack doesn’t have $830,000 in merchandise left in its stores.  (Jim Barach)

McDonald's was considering a new menu called McBrunch but had to can it when Scotland voted to stay in the U.K. *They had first rights to McChicken. (Bill Williams)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 9/23/14              
 
 
Miley Cyrus is in trouble south of the border.  One of her dancers slapped her on the backside with a Mexican flag while Cyrus was "twerking" onstage in Monterrey, Mexico.  It may land her in jail for 36 hours.  *People in the United States are outraged...they can't understand why the jail term can't be longer.  (Paul Dudley)

Man scaled White House fence.  The Secret Service has a term for someone who doesn’t belong there.  *Joe Biden.  (Alan Ray) 

I thought it was great how Leonardo DiCaprio left his yacht to fly in his jet and get in a limo…*to participate in the People's Climate March.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Kim Kardashian had nude pictures hacked and leaked and she is furious. *Those pictures were supposed to be sold by her agent.  (Alex Kaseberg)

California Governor Jerry Brown signed a landmark bill granting film companies tax incentives of $330 million a year to keep film shoots within the state. But the governor pointed out that increased financial incentives won’t mean relaxation of the usual rules of film production. *For instance, producers auditioning starlets must still wear a condom. (Bob Mills)

Trader Joe’s will open a market in the new USC Village. *As if the hazing and football scandals weren’t enough already, USC is going to make $2 buck chuck readily available to Frat Row? (Bob Mills)

Styx guitarist, Tommy Shaw, turned 61 years old recently. *So now, he doesn't have too much time on his hands. (Mike Pritchett) 

McDonald's is considering a new menu concept called McBrunch. *And for 69 cents more, you can super size your McMimosa. (Mike Pritchett) 

Carmaker, Audi, has received permits to test their self driving cars in California. *Hopefully, they are testing for how long they can sit in traffic. (Mike Pritchett) 

Billionaire Peter Thiel, founder of Pay Pal is putting money into technology to extend human life, saying he is on a mission to cheat death. *As opposed to other billionaires who are on a mission to cheat their partners, investors and the IRS. (Jim Barach)

American Airlines is introducing flights from New York to Los Angeles for $8,000 that include meals with shrimp scampi, vented compartments and privacy. *Which isn’t that bad when you consider the price is about the same amount of fees travelers pay in economy for their luggage, an aisle seat and a blanket. (Jim Barach)

Hertz is paying former CEO Mark Frissora a $10.5 Million separation fee. *It would have been $15 Million but they decided to stick him with a drop off charge.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Monday 9/22/14                
 
A recent report says the majority of Americans cannot name the three branches of government.  *But the good news is that most can name the entire cast of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.  (Paul Dudley)

Miley Cyrus faces a stiff fine and possible jail time in Monterrey, Mexico for incorporating the official flag of Mexico in a performance. *She was apparently unaware that under ancient Mayan law, it’s illegal to twerk a symbol of government.  (Bob Mills)

The Los Angeles Angels have clinched the AL West. Talk about a great outfield. *They throw more guys out at home than Britney Spears.  (Alan Ray)

Anheuser-Busch concerned about NFL abuse cases. *If the brewery wants to look into causes, it could start with men who drink too much beer.  (Alan Ray)

Scientists testing hallucinogens to treat depression. *Lab mice have proven very uncooperative. All they want to do is listen to Metallica.  (Alan Ray)

TMZ reports parents of Honey Boo Boo, Mama June and Sugar Bear, have split. *Apparently they want to start seeing other morbidly obese morons.  (Alex Kaseberg)

A study claims 10% of workers high. *In addition, a study claims 10% of workers want to know if you’re going to finish your sandwich. (Alex Kaseberg)

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said he didn't see the DVD of Ray Rice hitting his wife until recently. Hours later the AP said the NFL office received the DVD in April. *The NFL now admits the DVD arrived last April and they were totally planning to binge watch it this weekend.  (Argus Hamilton)

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones was sued by a stripper for sexual assault. She claimed he forced himself on her as he was having sex with another stripper inside a hotel bathroom. *It's terrible publicity for Jones and his family, but for the NFL it's the feel-good story of the week.  (Argus Hamilton)

South Africa's Oscar Pistorious was found not guilty of murder. The judge said Oscar couldn't have assumed he was killing his fiancée when he fired four times through the bathroom door. *Not taking any chances, the Baltimore Ravens have released Oscar Pistorious. (Argus Hamilton)

The world’s first 3D printed car was manufactured and driven in just 44 hours at a trade show in Chicago last week. Amazing. *And what’s even more amazing, it can print its own parking spot. (Bill Williams)

Scotland decided to take the easy way out and voted to stick with Queen Elizabeth. *So I guess we know what they don’t have under those kilts. (Bill Williams)

The Funny Firm - Friday 9/19/14                
 
Alex Trebek is bringing back his bushy mustache for the new season of “Jeopardy,” 13 years after he shaved it off.  This can only mean one thing. *Alex has entered the porn business.  (Rick Fancy)

Failed pilot: *NFL wives vie with husband's parole officer to guess his next rap and sentence on "First & 10 to 20." (Bob Mills)

The new portrait of former governor Arnold Schwarzenegger unveiled last week in Sacramento has a smudge where a lapel pin with Maria Shriver's face used to be. *Stranger still, if you look carefully, you can make out a housekeeper dusting in the background. (Bob Mills) 

School is back in session, and to promote better health and learning physiologists say school should start no earlier than 9:00 AM. *And to promote better health and living, regular people say school should be 24-hours-a-day. (Bill Williams) 

Michigan funeral home now offers drive-thru viewing. Talk about a novel approach. *It brings new meaning to “Jack in the Box”.  (Alan Ray)

A sequel to “Frozen” in the works. Elsa the Ice Queen finds a new use for her cold nature. *She is given a management position at Walmart.  (Alan Ray)

The Washington Nationals clinched NL East. The pitching staff is truly unique. *A group in that town that accomplished something on a hill.  (Alan Ray)

Archeologists have found the skeletons of a couple that have been holding hands for 700 years. *Or as Larry King calls that: foreplay.  (Alex Kaseberg)

57-year-old actor, Steven Bauer, has an 18-year-old girlfriend. *Creepy when a couple’s age gap is more than the age of Clooney’s fiancé. (Alex Kaseberg)

Charles Barkley threw out the first pitch at Wrigley Field and bounced it. *The Cubs immediately signed him as a middle-reliever.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Facebook stock rocketed on Wall Street drawing investor enthusiasm in Facebook's revenue from advertising on smartphones. They certainly have a locked-in audience. *Facebook now has five hundred million users, second only to heroin. (Argus Hamilton)

The Los Angeles Times reports the Los Angeles Country Club neared agreement to host the U.S. Open in nine years. The bartender at the nineteenth hole just invented a new cocktail that mixes an Arnold Palmer with a shot of pure grain alcohol. *It's called the John Daly. (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 9/18/14                
 
This week Scotland will vote on whether it wants to break up with the United Kingdom. It doesn't look good. *The United Kingdom is already stocking up on quarts of Haagen-Dazs. (Paul Dudley) 

A nudist resort in California is accused of stealing water for a pool. There was a witness. *Some guy was spotted pulling his hose. (Alan Ray) 

A group that worships Satan wants to give “Educational activity books” to Florida children. *To which Florida replied; “What’s a book?” (Alex Kaseberg) 

Charlie Sheen gave the Philly waiter a thousand bucks who was stiffed by Eagles receiver LeSean McCoy. It's just what the NFL needed on top of wife-beating videos and sexual assault suits. *You know your league's in trouble when Charlie Sheen is helping you clean up your image. (Argus Hamilton)

Atlanta Hawks owner Bruce Levenson produced a racist e-mail he once sent and said he'll sell the team. It figures. *Every owner's been digging up their old e-mails and voice mails looking for any evidence they were ever racist ever since Donald Sterling got two billion for the Clippers. (Argus Hamilton)

Ray Rice's wife backed him after he was cut by the Ravens and suspended by the NFL. He has today's celebrity culture working for him. *One day you're the most discussed man in the country and the next day you are starring in a new sit-com called Everybody Hates Raymond. (Argus Hamilton)

Beijing hosted the world’s first electric car race. There was lots of passing, out-braking, even some high-speed bumping. It was plenty exciting. *Until some damn kid pulled the plug. (Bill Williams) 

What’s nice about electric race cars. *They can race all day, then blow dry your hair at night. (Bill Williams) 

A straight woman has written a book about living as a lesbian for a year. *The book is called "Being Bruce Jenner". (Mike Pritchett) 

*However, most drivers won't know that the cars are driving themselves because they will be too busy texting. (Mike Pritchett) 

A French man was sentenced to 10 months in prison for texting his girlfriend 21,807 times. *The judge told reporters, that the man would have received a better deal, if was part of her framily plan. (Mike Pritchett) 

The National Geographic Museum in Washington has unveiled the 95 million year old Spinosaurus aegyptiacus, believed to be the only dinosaur capable of swimming. *Confirming the finding was a crudely carved sign paleontologists found near the fossils that read “The Jurassic Lobster: All You Can Eat Seafood.” (Bob Mills)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 9/17/14                
 
A new report by State Farm says the cost of hitting a deer has increased by 13-percent since just last year.  The average claim cost for a deer-car collision is now nearly four-thousand dollars, up from 34-hundred in 2013.  *For people in West Virginia it costs even more, they also have to spend a few hundred dollars at the taxidermist.  (Paul Dudley)   

 Kendall Jenner has launched a modeling career.  She has similar features as her more famous femme fatale family member.  *Bruce Jenner.  (Alan Ray)

“No Good Deed” tops at the box office.  An Atlanta mom lets a wanted man into the family home.  *“It’s not every day we meet an NFL player.”  (Alan Ray)  

Digital First Media, owner of 76 daily newspapers, is seeking a buyer. *Experts believe that they should try to sell them on eBay first. (Mike Pritchett)

Facebook is releasing a "self-destruct" option for your status updates. *The new option is called, Drunk Facebooking. (Mike Pritchett)

GM plans on  introducing hands-free and foot-free driving abilities in their 2017 model Cadillac. *Pricing for the car is expected to cost an arm & a leg. (Mike Pritchett)

Former PGA Tour superstar Greg Norman Instagrammed a selfie of him recovering from a chainsaw accident that he said “almost cost my right hand.” Of all people, *Greg should know the PGA outlawed carrying a chainsaw in your bag when Rule 6.3, “Behavior in the Rough,” was adopted in 1962.  (Bob Mills)

The London Daily Mail published the account of an investigative author who used DNA to prove Jack the Ripper was a Polish immigrant named Aaron Kosminsky. He butchered five women in Victorian London. *The NFL heard the news and suspended Kosminsky for two games.  (Argus Hamilton)

Mel Brooks appeared at Hollywood’s Chinese Theatre to publicize the DVD Blu-ray release of Young Frankenstein. It was the fortieth anniversary of the monster spoof. *Young Frankenstein was released, but there's no word yet on who Frankenstein punched in the elevator. (Argus Hamilton)

Prince William revealed he and Kate are expecting their second child. It's bad news for every comedian's favorite Royal. *This new baby would knock Prince Harry down to fifth in line for the throne, and already he's having to sleep with models instead of supermodels.  (Argus Hamilton)

Archeologists have named a fossil after Mick Jagger. *They decided to do that when they found out the fossil once dated Mick Jagger.  (Bill Williams)

Somebody explain to me why the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wear masks?  *There are only four of them, and they kinda stick out.  (Bill Williams)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 9/16/14                
 
People who purchased Olive Garden’s 7-week unlimited pasta pass are being told that they must show their ID in the restaurant to prevent fraudulent use of the cards. A word of advice. *If you show up at Olive Garden and the just wave you through, you've probably been taking advantage of the unlimited pasta pass too much. (Paul Dudley)

Singer Jose Feliciano, celebrated his 69th birthday this week. *However, people throughout the day kept wishing him "Feliz Navidad". (Mike Pritchett)

Kanye West was hospitalized in Australia due to a terrible migraine. *Apparently, he finally listened to his 'Yeezus' album, in its entirety. (Mike Pritchett)

Toronto Mayor, Rob Ford, has been hospitalized for a stomach ailment. *Apparently, he accidentally ingested a piece of fruit. (Mike Pritchett)

Anxious to cash in on its $400 million Oscar winner “Frozen,” Disney has announced plans for a new attraction at Epcot’s Norway Pavilion. A spokesman promises guests will be “immersed in many of their favorite moments and music from the film.”  *In a further bow to Norway, Disney will unveil their new frozen “Sardines-On-A-Stick.”   (Bob Mills)

In an attempt to take over Olive Garden Restaurant chain, hedge fund Starboard Value issued a 300-page report on waste and mismanagement including a finding that the bread sticks are distributed too liberally. *Also faulted is the chain’s “outdated advertising strategy,” their new childish logo, and their claim that Jesus can sometimes be spotted praying near he salad bar.  (Bob Mills)

Apple is dominating shipping out of China right now with all their new iPhones. *But don’t worry if you’re waiting for a new Droid, Apple is using Siri and will probably get lost. (Bill Williams)

Miley Cyrus showed up at a party wearing pasties instead of a shirt. So let's see, she's from a famous family, dresses inappropriately, and can't sing. *Yep, Miley’s the winner of this year’s “Paris Hilton Wannabe” Award. (Bill Williams) 

Doug Ford will run in his brother’s place for mayor of Toronto. Talk about a legacy. *He will have huge prescriptions to fill.  (Alan Ray)

NFL season has begun. When an official blows his whistle, he’s sending a message to the players.  *“Stop in the name of the law.”  (Alan Ray)

Major League Baseball has issued clarification of the home plate collision rule. *Some umps still question the regulation. *“Exactly where is home plate?” (Alan Ray)

Apple held a press conference and introduced the Apple Watch along with new iPhones that boasts larger screens. They are determined to improve everything. *Every six months, the people at Apple re-bury Steve Jobs in a nicer, thinner and more expensive casket.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Monday 9/15/14                
 
Taylor Swift and Katy Perry are fighting.  Apparently Katy stole Taylor Swift’s dancers away from her.  *It’s the first time in music history that both 13 year old girls and gay men are outraged by the same thing.  (Paul Dudley)

Ex-female Mets executive suing team for harassment. She claims she was routinely humiliated. *After all, her paycheck said “New York Mets”.  (Alan Ray)

“Dolphin Tale 2” opens. Heroine Winter does tasks and is rewarded fish. *Or, as it’s called at Wal Mart – the employee incentive program.  (Alan Ray)

A Pacific storm affected Los Angeles beaches last week. *The waves in Malibu were so big, they actually washed Lindsay Lohan back into a rehab facility. (Alex Kaseberg)

Not sure about the new Matthew Mcconaughey endorsement of the Lincoln vehicles. Lincoln is introducing the Matthew Mcconaughey model. *It comes with a bong holder, a blender and it only turns all right, all right, all right. (Alex Kaseberg)

The judge in the Oscar Pistorius murder trial has ruled “Negligence.” *And to think I thought Pistorius's case didn't have a leg to stand on. (Alex Kaseberg)

Brad Wilk, the drummer for Rage Against the Machine, just turned 46. *So now, the only thing he rages on... is kids on his front lawn. (Mike Pritchett)

Led Zeppelin is releasing a series of scarves that feature the art from their first three album covers. *Ironically, they won't be made out of "Kashmir". (Mike Pritchett)

A team of scientists from the University of South Florida determined that warm weather triggered the collapse of a huge ice shelf off Antarctica in 2002. *In a related story, the same team determined ice melting in your mouth prevents thirst. (Bill Williams)

Completing its merger with international carrier Airtran, Southwest Airlines has given their planes a complete makeover highlighted by a dramatic blue, yellow and orange paint job. *Boarding passengers will have the option of admiring it in more detail after paying a $25 “Art Appreciation” fee. (Bob Mills)

Prince Harry fell to fifth in line to the throne Monday when William and Kate said they're expecting. He's the comedian's favorite. *Harry wears a Nazi uniform to a costume party and everyone gets mad, then he wears nothing to a Vegas party, and he gets in just as much trouble. (Argus Hamilton)

President Obama paid a visit to prehistoric Stonehenge in England. Ancient druid priests set up giant rock pillars two-by-two and laid them out vertically in a circle. *It took all of President Obama's self control to keep from breaking out his putter and playing miniature golf.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Friday 9/12/14                
 
The U.S. Postal service is refusing to deliver mail to mailboxes that are too low to the ground.  Officials say it requires mail carriers to bend over to put the mail in.  *Big deal, whenever I go to the post office and buy a book of stamps I have to bend over.  (Paul Dudley)

Keith Richards is now a children’s author. *His new release is like “Where the Wild Things Are”, except the wild things in his story are mushrooms. (Alan Ray)

Never before published Dr. Seuss stories out. One poem never caught on because of its adult content. *There was a Lorax from Nantucket. (Alan Ray)

“Dolphin Tale 2” opens. It’s the story of porpoise Winter as she endures another traumatic hardship. *She is bought by Sea World.  (Bill Williams)

Ray Rice’s wife wants the press to leave them alone, saying she has special training in how to deal with this sort of thing. *Crash test dummy. (Bill Williams)

The National Traffic Safety Administration is investigating 2007 Dodge and Chrysler minivans. *They are investigating why men between the ages of 18-35 don't look real cool in them. (Mike Pritchett)

Showtime is ending it's show 'Nurse Jackie' after 7 seasons. *Even worse, TV viewers around the globe didn't know the show made it past season 1. (Mike Pritchett)

The Chairman and CEO of Hertz Equipment Rental has stepped down after seven years in the post. His retirement benefits will be severely reduced, though. *Unfortunately, Mark Frissora made the mistake of returning his company-issued limo without topping off the gas tank. (Bob Mills)

Currently receiving good vibes on the hype circuit, Reese Witherspoon in “Wild” plays a former druggie who hikes the Pacific Coast Trail alone with just a backpack. Well, almost alone. *Her brief affair with Smokey the Bear in the third act looks like nothing more than a thinly-veiled attempt to add a love interest.  (Bob Mills)

“Sons of Anarchy” star Charlie Hunnam claims he had to drop out of “Fifty Shades of Grey” because of a mental breakdown from overwork. That’s his story. According to insiders, it was physical, too. *During rehearsal, he could get through only 37 shades before losing steam and having to get dressed.  (Bob Mills)

The FBI is investigating the hacking of nude photos from movie stars’ smartphones. It's a hot topic. *Scores of more naked photos of actresses turned up on the Internet, but then how you decide to pose for your driver license photo is considered your legal right in California. (Argus Hamilton)

Some colleges are offering places for tired students to take naps during the day. Don’t they already have that? *They used to be called “classrooms.”  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 9/11/14              
 
 
Apple introduced several highly anticipated new products this week, including the new Apple Watch.   Critics are saying the screen is too small, the controls seem clumsy and it‘s tough to type on.  *Apple wanted to call it the Blackberry but that name was already taken.  (Paul Dudley)

GM will release a driverless Cadillac in 2017. It speeds up, brakes, and stops on its on. *Designers got idea from watching a Chevy Cobalt. (Alan Ray)

Home Depot has confirmed a security breach. The clerks now help customers with repairs. *Plumbing, electrical, credit score.  (Alan Ray)

Princess Kate is pregnant with her second child. It’s affected her daily schedule at Buckingham Palace. *She is mostly symbolic for two.  (Alan Ray)

It's Fashion Week in New York. *People, please, please, whatever you do, do not feed the super models. (Alex Kaseberg)

People magazine showed photographs of Angelina Jolie's and Brad Pitt's wedding which took place last week at the couple's chateau located in the South of France. It was a private ceremony. *They exchanged vows surrounded by one hundred and nine of their closest children. (Argus Hamilton)

CVS pharmacies quit selling cigarettes Wednesday and changed its name to CVS Health stores. It's called doing the right thing. *The profits CVS made selling cigarettes was no match for all the money they make selling candy and potato chips to everybody who has quit smoking. (Argus Hamilton)

Apple introduced a new iPhone Tuesday that doubles as a credit card using a touch-tone payment system via Visa or MasterCard. Apple says it's totally safe and secure. *And if there's one company you can trust with your money it's the company that just leaked your nude photos.  (Argus Hamilton)

A new study out suggests that having regular family meals, helps protect teens from the mental health affects of cyber bullying. *However, the meals don't offer any protection from your family. (Mike Pritchett)

The FBI is still looking into nude photos that leaked online of celebrities Jennifer Lawrence and model Kate Upton. *And so is everyone else. (Mike Pritchett)

Steve Jones, of the Punk Rock band the Sex Pistols,  turned 58 recently. *So now, the only anarchy in his life is trying to figure out how to record Matlock reruns on his DVR. (Mike Pritchett)

Twitter is testing a new feature that allows users to purchase goods and services with just two clicks. It will be tested on celebrities, musical artists and brands with millions of followers. One downside, though. *Purchasers are limited to products costing $140 or less.  (Bob Mills)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 9/10/14                
 
Yesterday Apple introduced the new iPhone 6 and the iPhone 6 Plus.  *Congratulations America, we’ve gotten so fat that even the new iPhone now comes in a plus size model.  (Mark Wheeler)

During the webcast of the iPhone 6 announcement, the Apple website was plagued with glitches, people kept getting dropped from the website, and browsers froze.  *The website was so screwed up that by the end of the announcement, half the people on the website actually ended up with a new health insurance policy.  (Paul Dudley)

Fast food workers protested last week for higher wages. How can you tell when there’s picketing at a McDonalds? *It’s the only line that’s moving. (Alan Ray)

The NFL season has begun. Every year quite a few players reach milestones. *Most catches, most sacks, most touchdowns, most wanted...  (Alan Ray)

“Metro: Redux” is out for video gamers. The scenario is set in a post apocalyptic Russian territory. *Or, in other words, Tuesday.  (Alan Ray)

Olive Garden is offering a $100 Pasta Pass for all the pasta they can eat. *It’s nicknamed the Chris Christie bridge and artery closer. (Alex Kaseberg)

There is a pink Ray Rice #27 jersey available online. *It is right next to the Michael Vick line of dog care products.  (Alex Kaseberg)

California's Senate passed a bill allowing families to ask a judge to stop family members with limited capacity from owning a firearm. There's much precedent. *People in L.A. know from personal experience that guns don’t kill people, husbands who come home early kill people. (Argus Hamilton)

Bypassing its home state, Tesla Motors will build a $5 billion plant in Nevada that will employ 6500 workers. *The choice has nothing to do with lower taxes or cheaper land, it seems Nevada’s fire departments have faster response times than California’s. (Bob Mills)

After recently attending the wedding of two customers on his route, there's a UPS driver in New York who is gaining some fame as a match maker. *I'm just happy when they match my address to the one on the box I'm waiting for. (Jason Shaw)

A study says that music with high levels of bass increase people’s feelings of dominance and power. *Mostly because after listening to it long enough, they can’t hear anyone telling them what to do.  (Jim Barach)

Iran is banning vasectomies in order to boost the country’s birthrate. *Although not a lot of patients stuck around when they saw their doctor preparing for the procedure with a Persian military sword. (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 9/9/14              
 
 
Vice President Joe Biden said last week that the United States will follow ISIS to the gates of hell. *Yes, the gates of hell...wait, we’re going to follow them to Golden Corral? (Paul Dudley)

Cee Lo Green gets 360 hours of community service. It ‘s different from touring. *You’re on the road, but you have a bag and an orange vest.  (Alan Ray)

“The Identical” opens. Twins’ music careers go opposite directions. One achieves acclaim and glory. *The other tours with Nickelback.  (Alan Ray)

Comcast has signed on to be a NASCAR title sponsor. It's a good fit with racing. *To get anything done with them, you have to go ‘round in circles.  (Alan Ray)

TV chef Todd English revealed plans for his new TV cooking show while he guest-cooked at an ethnic food night at New York City's Diner en Blanc. The master chef cooked up Russian Beef Stroganoff the exact same way the Russians make it. *First, you invade the kitchen. (Argus Hamilton)

The FBI is probing the hacking of Jennifer Lawrence and Kim Kardashian's private nude photos that got posted. The case takes no detective. *Jennifer Lawrence wants the world to know her privacy's been violated and Kim Kardashian wants the world to know she's lost her baby fat. (Argus Hamilton)

California's state judicial commission censured two state judges last week for having sex in their chambers during proceedings. *It didn't end with the judges’ conduct. *The makers of Cialis have been ordered to be less graphic in their TV commercials about their new trial offer.  (Argus Hamilton)

Country singer , Garth Brooks, started a digital music company to compete with iTunes. *At the launch ceremony, he showed up in boots and ruined the affair. (Mike Pritchett)

Two deer brought commuter traffic to a halt last week when they ran across the Golden Gate Bridge to Marin. That’s the good news. *The bad news is there were three, but the toll was one buck. (Bill Williams)

This iCloud nude photo hacking has got me really nervous, so I’m not taking any chances. *I just posted 149 new ones. (Bill Williams)

Vienna's University of Salsburg has apologized to alumni and benefactors after a psychology exam was passed out to students with the answers already filled in. People were shocked.  *Who knew the NCAA had a branch in Vienna? (Bob Mills)

In a bow toward energy conservation, Arnold Schwarzenegger has placed his monster 1977 Mercedes Benz U1300 on the market for $275,000. The vehicle was getting to pricey to maintain even for him. *He decided to sell when he recently realized it was getting only 9 miles per housekeeper.  (Bob Mills)

The Funny Firm - Monday 9/8/14                
 
Police in California are looking for a thief who has stolen from the same Costco four different times.  It’s pretty impressive actually.  *How do you walk out the front door of Costco without being noticed carrying a 20 gallon tub of mayonnaise?  (Paul Dudley)

"Sean,” a sheep who hid out on a farm in Tasmania to avoid the yearly shearing, yielded 300 bags of wool weighing 52 pounds when finally cornered and sheared. *And wasn’t easy. It took three burly men to hold him down while two IRS agents, flown in from the U.S., completed the fleecing process. (Bob Mills)

Tests conducted on that albino monocled cobra captured in a Thousand Oaks CA yard indicate that its venom glands had never been removed as is required with cobras sold as pets. *Anyone bitten would have died without prompt treatment except, of course, lawyers and politicians who are born with a natural immunity. (Bob Mills)

The NFL season begins. For a team like the Jacksonville Jaguars, it ain’t over ‘til the fat lady sings. *The National Anthem. (Alan Ray)

Justin Bieber was arrested in Canada for dangerous driving. There were other factors in the mix. *He reportedly tested positive for stupidity. (Alan Ray)

The Air Sex World Championship were held in NYC. Men performing sex act with imaginary partner. *Then they left the hotel and went to the contest. (Alan Ray) 

Joan Rivers has died, it’s the end of an era. *She was the last person who actually cared about the Kardashians. (Bill Williams) 

Former Olympian and current virgin, Lolo Jones, picked for "Dancing with the Stars." *Will be challenging dancing with her legs together.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Arnold to make another “Terminator” movie.  *He’s getting up there, his motto is; *“I’ll be back . . . when I remember why I came in here.”  (Alex Kaseberg)

The Weather Channel aired footage of Iowa being struck by tornadoes and Kansas being pelted by hail the size of tennis balls. Desert winds combined with a Baja hurricane to boil Southern California. *It's so hot in Los Angeles that the clouds are raining nude celebrity photos. (Argus Hamilton)

The FBI is probing the hacking of Jennifer Lawrence, Kate Upton and Scarlett Johannsen 's private nude photos. They'd stored the photos on their iPhones. *Once they catch the hacker, it should be hilarious watching the U.S. government prosecute somebody for invasion of privacy.  (Argus Hamilton)

The NFL season got underway Thursday when the Super Bowl champion Seattle Seahawks hosted the Green Bay Packers on national TV. Psychologists say that American football is a substitute that satisfies our lust for war. *And then, just to be safe, we also have a bunch of wars.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Friday 9/5/14              
 
 
Apple will hold a media event on Tuesday where the company is expected to unveil the new iPhone 6.  A line is already forming at the New York flagship Apple store for products that have yet to be unveiled. *Which begs the question, why does somebody who has time to wait in line for days need a phone…they clearly have no friends to call or text.  (Paul Dudley)

“Guardians of the Galaxy” is tops box office. Peter Quill raised by thieves and smugglers. *Ain’t easy when your extended family are lawyers. (Alan Ray) 

Chris Brown has pled guilty to assaulting a man in DC.  His arraignment took several hours.  *The judge read him his priors.  (Alan Ray) 

On the one hand I feel bad that Jennifer Lawrence privacy was invaded…*but on the other hand, well that hand is busy.  (Alex Kaseberg) 

Hackers at Home Depot have made off with so much customer data, it will make Target and Penny’s seem like child’s play. *Aside from credit card data the thieves also took even more personal and sensitive information like square footage of customers’ decks, patios and rumpus rooms.  (Bob Mills)

California olive oil growers will soon be subject to new labeling rules issued by the Department of Agriculture. Seems that some olive oil advertised as “Pure” and “Light” was not. *Even worse, oil labeled “Extra Virgin” had been made from olives that had not only dated but given birth to baby olives.  (Bob Mills)

Scientists studying Viking battle remains discover half of the Vikings were women. *Shock to nobody who has seen a women's shoe sale.  (Alex Kaseberg)

“Former NYC mayor Michael Bloomberg will reassume leadership of the company he founded. There will be some changes around the office. *Cubicles larger than 2 square feet will be banned.” (Gordon Ryan)

German Chancellor Angela Merkel said that America is no longer capable of being the world's policeman. There's evidence to the contrary. *The same day Angela Merkel claimed the U.S. is no longer the world's policeman, a survey showed Americans eat the most doughnuts. (Argus Hamilton)

CVS has stopped selling cigarettes and has changed it's name. *They changed their name to CVS Vape. (Mike Pritchett)

Beach Boys guitarist, Al Jardine, celebrated his 72nd birthday recently. *So now, he "Gets Around" on his Jazzy scooter. (Mike Pritchett)

A study says that ticket prices on the same airline flight can vary by as much as $1,400. *That’s what happens when you bring along an extra suitcase, decide to watch an in-flight movie and buy your snacks on the plane.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 9/4/14                
 
Over the weekend a hacker got into Apple’s iCloud and leaked nude photos of a number of celebrities, including Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton.  Officials from Apple say they quickly fixed the security problem.  *To which men everywhere said, hey, hold on, what's the rush?  (Paul Dudley)

Reports say that several of the world’s leading kale farms are running out of seeds after the recent increase in demand for the vegetable.  *Farmers say they can't grow it as fast everyone pretends to actually like it.  (Paul Dudley)

 Russia’s zero-gravity sex study with geckos killed them. Autopsies reveal a common thread.  *They all died with big smiles on their faces.  (Alan Ray) 

The FBI is probing a nude photo hack of celebrities.  There’s only one term for such a flagrant violation of privacy. *TMZ.  (Alan Ray)

Taylor Swift will be a coach on “The Voice”.  It requires planning with her busy calendar.  *She’ll schedule rehearsals in between break-ups.  (Alan Ray) 

Charlie Sheen turned 49 recently. *Or 333 in warlock years. (Mike Pritchett)

Two unreleased songs from Adele have just leaked online. *Apparently, both songs won 26 awards already. (Mike Pritchett)

The Seattle Seahawks opened the defense of their NFL title, seven months after they beat Denver in the Super Bowl. They have a great defense. *Peyton Manning has not yet developed a strategy to beat the Seahawks, fueling speculation that he's presidential material. (Argus Hamilton)

Lance Armstrong faces ninety-six million dollars in claims by the Justice Department this week for doping while taking U.S. sponsorship money. It's worse. *The worst part of the entire Lance Armstrong fiasco is for the rest of time having to the French telling us that we told you so.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Discovery Channel reported record-high viewer ratings for their annual Shark Week documentaries. The underwater action offers something for everybody. *Shark Week is great TV for people who either have a fascination for sharks or possess a psychopathic hatred of seals.  (Argus Hamilton)

Yet another plane had to be diverted after a heated argument arose over who was entitled to a particular seat assignment. *Order was restored only after the pilot convinced the woman that he needed the seat to see out of the windshield.  (Bob Mills)

Three more Atlantic City casinos are packing up the Keno balls and disarming the slots. Revel, The Showboat, and Trump Plaza are calling in their chips. *Reasons cited include competition from online gambling, more accessible casinos on Indian reservations, and the fact they’re in Atlantic City.  (Bob Mills)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 9/3/14              
 
 
A study by the National Consumers League says 60 percent of U.S. parents offer cell phones to 10 and 11-year-old children. Some carriers, like Sprint with its “WeGo” device, are marketing cell phones to kids as young as five. *It's only fair...just like the rest of the family, five year olds want to stare at their phones at the dinner table. (Mark Wheeler)

Tiger Woods and Bill Clinton were guests of honor in Boston at a dinner before the Deutsche Bank Golf Championship pro-am charity. It's only right this charity is supported by Tiger and Bill. *All proceeds from the tournament go to the Boys Will Be Boys Club of America. (Argus Hamilton)

Hollywood royalty Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were married in a ceremony in their château in the South of France. The pictures were spectacular. *Over one hundred guests attended the service representing twenty-nine countries and that was just their children.  (Argus Hamilton)

“Guardians of the Galaxy” tops box office. Peter Quill raised by thieves and smugglers. *Ain’t easy when your extended family are lawyers. (Alan Ray)

A report says movie industry experienced worst summer since ‘97. What’s the first sign of a box office flop? *“Now Playing: Expendables 3.” (Alan Ray)

Chelsea Clinton has stepped down as a $600,000 per year segment reporter for NBC. *She cited as reasons her pending motherhood, a desire to spend more time with her family, and her new duties keeping her father out of mischief while her mother is running for president.  (Bob Mills)

According to the latest study, the average motorcycle owner is 45, up from 33 in 1990, is above average financially and well educated. Most cycle manufacturers are trying to figure out how to recapture the youth market. *Others, like Harley-Davidson, have chosen to go with the flow and debut the Harley “Early-Bird” that features arthritic handlebars, a tri-focal windshield, and a combination kick starter-defibrillator. (Bob Mills)

A 33-year-old slice of cake from Prince Charles and Princess Diana's 1981 wedding has sold at auction for $1,375. *Not so dear was a salt lick from Charlie’s second wedding that went for 59 cents (Bill Williams)

Southwest airlines lost a family's grandmother for 11 hours recently. *The airline apologized and quickly charged the family a $25.00 "We lost your Grandma fee". (Mike Pritchett)

A new study out suggests that eating meals with family can help ease mental issues caused by cyber bullying. *That is, until your dad gets home. (Mike Pritchett)

An analysis says that fantasy football costs companies $13 Billion a year in lost productivity. *Mostly because workers spend so much time picking their players they need to get overtime hours to catch up on all their porn viewing.  (Jim Barach)

A $2 Million anti-pot campaign in Colorado is telling teenagers if they smoke marijuana they will be like lab rats. *Which to most teenagers is still better than being known as a mall rat.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 9/2/14                
 
Apple is secretly developing a new product rumored to be the largest iPad they've ever made. It's said to be 12.9 inches across.  *Apple officials say users will now be able to shatter their iPad screens on a much bigger scale.  (Paul Dudley)

Kraft foods has issued a recall on thousands of cases of single American cheese slices. *Apparently the recalled product tasted too much like cheese. (Mike Pritchett)

Ashlee Simpson & Evan Ross were married recently at Diana Ross' home. *A source close to the couple, said that most attendees were stunned, when she didn't lip-sync her vows. (Mike Pritchett)

*A source close to the couple said the ceremony dragged on, but then again, "You Can't Hurry Love". (Mike Pritchett)

France has three million people out of work. See, in France they don’t call it unemployment. *It’s, some foreigner has occupied my job. (Bill Williams)

A bunch of brainiac scientists at the Fermi Accelerator Laboratory are claiming we don’t live in a three-dimensional world, we live in a two-dimensional hologram … LOL! Got two words to sink that theory. *Kim Kardashian’s butt. (Bill Williams)

Forget a six pack, a company is now selling a pack of beer with 99 cans. A 99-pack. *Now if they could just put it on a wall and make a song about it.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Southern California beaches saw the biggest waves in twenty years as Hurricane Marie roiled the Baja, creating twenty-foot waves. Some slammed into beachside homes in Malibu. *One wave was so powerful that it knocked Arnold Schwarzenegger off his housekeeper. (Argus Hamilton)

A Texas brewer is selling a single pack of ninety-nine cans of beers in one seven-foot-long container. It makes a cultural statement. *If you see a fifty-year-old man on a bicycle in Los Angeles he's working out, but if you see a fifty year-old man on a bicycle in Texas, he's got a DUI. (Argus Hamilton)

Russia's sports federation met and began making plans for Russia to host the World Cup in four years. The Russians say they will treat visiting fans just like royalty. *Does that mean they're planning to gather up half a dozen of them and shoot them in the basement? (Argus Hamilton)

A spokesperson for Disney Theme Parks announced that they will soon introduce promotional air shows using drones authorized by the FAA. *The drones will represent new Disney characters, four of whom have already been named by the Imagineers -- “Buzzy,” “Droney,” “Snoopy,” and “Spydie.”  (Bob Mills)

The Energy Information Administration says the price of gas will fall through 2015 to less than $3.50 a gallon. *Although it’s hard to consider that a bargain for anyone who grew up in the ‘60s and ‘70s and used to call $3.50 a “fill up.”  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Monday 9/1/14              
 
 
Chinese authorities have seized 30,000 tons of  chicken feet. Authorities say they're tainted.  *How can you tell if chicken feet are tainted?  What, they taste good?  (Paul Dudley)

Drive-in brothels have opened in Switzerland. The servers don’t get very big tips. And the gratuities aren’t that impressive either.  (Alan Ray)

The nation’s kids head back to school. Separation anxiety is a problem for some children. *They really miss their video games.  (Alan Ray)

Katie Ledecky has broken 5 world records. She has really created a buzz throughout the swim world. *Or, was that Michael Phelps’ bong?  (Alan Ray)

The San Diego Padres have unveiled Bud Selig Plaza. *A weird place where steroids are considered illegal, but if you use them, nobody will say anything.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Burger King can take its butt to Canada as long as they take that creepy-ass King in the commercials with them.  (Alex Kaseberg)

The Los Angeles School Districts iPad program is facing yet another setback before its launch. *Apparently, they forgot their iTunes password. (Mike Pritchett) 

Controversial residential water shutoffs, for non-payment, have resumed in Detroit. *Even worse, the customers still live in Detroit. (Mike Pritchett)

David Lucado and Britney Spears have broken up. *So now, their lips will no longer be syncing. (Mike Pritchett)

Burger King is buying Canadian donut chain “Tim Hortons” for $11 billion. Eleven billion for a Canadian donut shop! *Somebody better tell that King he ain’t got no clothes on. (Bill Williams)

Michael Sam is now a Rams player and his teammates have absolutely no problem with him in the shower room. *Well, except maybe for the rubber ducky. (Bill Williams)

A study says that Twitter has the potential to induce psychotic symptoms in some people. *Mostly people who actually care to follow the tweets of Kim Kardashian, Justin Bieber and Britney Spears.  (Jim Barach)

A report says that people 50 or older hold 17% of the U.S. student debt. *Otherwise known as the students back in the 1970s who were philosophy majors.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Friday 8/29/14                
 
In Washington state where marijuana is now legal, a company is selling a pot infused soda. *Talk about Mello Yello. (Paul Dudley)

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got married. If you want to get them a gift, they’re registered at Bed, Bath and Beyond Needing Anything.  (Alex Kaseberg)

California governor Jerry Brown has signed a law allowing animals in restaurant patios. Good news for “Jersey Shore.”  *Now the cast can reunion at Spago. (Bill Williams)    

Archeologists digging in Amphipolis, Greece have discovered a tomb holding the remains of Alexander the Great. *However, after forensic reconstruction scientists determined he was only, at best, Alexander the Mediocre. (Bill Williams)

California outlaws college fraternity hazing … Not fair! *I’ve had to wear my pants backwards for 32 years. (Bill Williams)

The Emmy awards completely bypassed the much-hyped “Game of Thrones.” Not an EMMY in sight. Zilch. Total shutout.  *Even the show’s harshest critics were sure the breakthrough series would win for “Best Use of Crossbows” or at least pick up a technical award for developing a chastity belt that photographs well. (Bob Mills)

Air travelers are snapping up the “Knee Defender,” a $21.95 device that attaches to the tray table and prevents the person sitting in front of them from reclining. It shouldn’t be confused with the similarly designed “Bridgework Defender,” which attaches to the cheek to keep the person seated beside you from sticking his elbow in your mouth while asleep.  (Bob Mills)

Action Comics 1, the comic book featuring the first appearance of Superman, recently sold at auction on e-Bay for $3.2 million. In it, Superman is still in training and had yet to leap tall buildings in single bound. *He still needed two or three bounds to get airborne, sometimes even four.  (Bob Mills)

Miley Cyrus took a homeless man to VMA’s. Some turned off by unkempt appearance and awkward behavior. *And homeless guy was almost as bad. (Alan Ray) 

Kim Kardashian to guest star on “2 Broke Girls”. She will donate her salary from the appearance to her long-held cause. *Kim Kardashian. (Alan Ray)

A Full House revival is in the works. Not 80’s anymore at Tanner’s. They still gather as one happy family...but now they sit around on their cell phones. (Alan Ray)

A study says that eating fish may help preserve aging brains. Although if that is true, when is the last time you saw a Mensa meeting being catered by Long John Silver’s?  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 8/28/14              
 
 
A rare copy of Action Comics No. 1, which was the first published appearance of Superman, just sold on eBay for $3.2 million. The seller pulled off an amazing feat.  *They found a millionaire still living in their parents basement.  (Paul Dudley)

The USC Trojans will hike ticket prices this year.  *Revenue from the increase will go to pay for improvements in the players.  (Alan Ray) 

Burger King to buy donut shop Tim Horton’s.  *It’s an attempt by the fast food giant to go after an expanding market.  *Cops’ waistlines.  (Alan Ray) 

A Washington state company is now selling pot infused soda.  Talk about revolutionizing fast food. *The drink alone would be considered a happy meal.  (Alan Ray) 

That Napa earthquake was rough. *Many wineries are re-packaging their wine with broken glass in it as “Extra Chunky Style.”  (Alex Kaseberg)

“Game of Thrones” was shut out at the Emmys. *It didn’t even win the award for most actors killed during a wedding scene.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Three-year-old Twitch, one of the most popular video games among hard-core gamers has been purchased by Amazon for $970 million. *Twitch got its name from the involuntary head jerking motion that often afflicts gamers who spend eight or more hours in one stretch playing it. (Bob Mills)

Burger King is negotiating to purchase Tim Horton’s’, the Canadian coffee and donut chain that would require the relocation of Burger King’s headquarters to Quebec. *Since the merger would involve relocating English speaking royalty to a French held province, lawyers warn that the merger might be prohibited by the Treaty of Versailles.  (Bob Mills)

After four years, mostly in the rough, Tiger Woods and his swing coach Sean Foley have parted. *Sean tried but could never get Tiger to understand that the picture swing begins with a gentle takeaway accompanied by a smooth hip turn with a down swing led by the hips and legs and ending in a perfect follow through…not in bed with a waitress.  (Bob Mills)

Burger King says it will stop offering its lower calorie “Satisfries.” *Apparently people thought ordering low calorie fries along with a burger and soft drink was about as healthy as ordering a triple thick milkshake without the cherry on top.  (Jim Barach)

Research shows that Millennials shop for smaller and cheaper vehicles. They are mostly interested in transportation they can afford to operate inexpensively while being environmentally aware and using less space. *Like a skateboard.  (Jim Barach)

A study says that eating out adds 200 calories to a person’s daily intake than if they eat at home. *It would be even more except for when they find a bonus slice of pizza in the sofa cushions they had forgotten about.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 8/27/14                
 
Time Warner is planning to cut more than 500 senior employees from one of the company’s  divisions.  *The job cuts will take place sometime Thursday between 9am and 5pm.  (Mark Wheeler)

The True Blood finale is out.  Blood sucking vampires are killed off in the usual way.  *They are suspended by the American Bar Association.  (Alan Ray)

“The Congress” opens in movie theaters.  It’s considered a fantasy feature.  *But, the title suggests a horror film.  (Alan Ray)

A high school senior in Tennessee says she was disciplined for saying "bless you" to a classmate who had sneezed. *Technically Bless You was OK, she went one step too far when she passed the collection plate. (Bill Williams)

Tom Cruise didn’t go to the Emmys this year. Said he had to be in Vienna filming Mission: Impossible 5. But really it was about votes. *He came up a little short. (Bill Williams)

A new study out, suggests that medical marijuana could reduce painkiller abuse. *However, the same study suggests that the abuse of Cheese Puffs will rise. (Mike Pritchett)

Dr. Dre accepted the ice bucket challenge recently. *However, he had mentioned that it would probably be a lot better without, Ice Cube. (Mike Pritchett)

An earthquake measuring 6.3 on the Richter Scale shook Napa, California, home of some of the world’s finest wine vineyards. Trader Joe’s customers should rejoice, though. *At the height of the temblor, grapes at the Two-Buck Chuck Winery were crushing themselves.  (Bob Mills)

Zoologists have identified the “Coywolf,” a new species that’s two-thirds coyote and one quarter wolf, resulting from inbreeding in a remote area north of the Great Lakes. The hybrid appears to have the strength of the wolf, the speed of the coyote and the stealth of the fox. *And you thought the Roadrunner already had enough problems.  (Bob Mills)

Currently filming in Vienna, Tom Cruise and co-star Rebecca Ferguson are completing scenes for “Mission Impossible 5” in and around the Vienna State Opera House. *In this latest reincarnation, Tom takes on the challenge of locating, capturing and killing the villain -- all before the fat lady sings.  (Bob Mills)

Facebook says it will track users across different devices to check their shopping habits. *Currently the only thing that Facebook is able to tell from their users is what a half billion of them ate for breakfast that morning. (Jim Barach)

A report says it is better to be poor in a rich country than to be rich in a poor country. *Although that leaves out any Americans who bought a subprime mortgage back in 2007 who are now pretty much poor in a poor country.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 8/26/14              
 
 
Tiger Woods and swing coach Sean Foley have decided to part ways, ending a rocky four-year run that saw Woods rise and fall out of the world No. 1 ranking. *Tiger knew the partnership was over when his coach chased him down the street and hit him with a 9 iron. (Paul Dudley)

Dungeons and Dragons video game out.  Avid players can take the contest to a new level.  *In one scenario, the avatar has to talk to a girl. (Alan Ray)

 Miley Cyrus banned from performing in the Dominican Republic.  World reaction has been unified.  *“Today we are all Dominicans.”  (Alan Ray) 

Kevin Love traded to Cleveland Cavaliers.  At first, he balked some wording in his contract.   *It said, “You’ll have to play in Cleveland.”  (Alan Ray) 

Big earthquake in Northern California. *In Napa, it shook a wine-snob into a winery that makes Merlot.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Big 6.0 earthquake in Napa Valley, wine capitol of California. *With all that bouncing around the grapes became so bruised and confused they thought Charlie Sheen was in town. (Bill Williams)

This California earthquake is costing the winegrowers millions. *They’ve had to call teams of psychologists to come in and calm the cabernet. (Bill Williams)

Steve Ballmer leaves Microsoft to run L.A. Clippers. His management style is summed up in three simple words. *Control. Alt. Delete. (Bill Williams)

A federal appeals court in Los Angeles upheld a ban on begging by Hare Krishna’s in the lobby of the LA International Airport. *The judge further advised the Krishna’s to “seek employment as NSA screeners if you still have an irresistible urge to fleece airline passengers.”  (Bob Mills)

California’s Governor Jerry Brown has signed into law a provision allowing animals to join their masters for alfresco dining at any restaurant that offers patio seating. *Spago in Beverly is preparing a special menu that will feature entrees like “Braised Loin of Mailman au de Toilet Water ,” and “Roast Pheasant Under Frizbee.”  (Bob Mills)

A survey says that 43% of Americans consider themselves underemployed. *The other 57% are fully employed, just underpaid.  (Jim Barach)

The New York Times is calling for stronger Internet neutrality laws. *To which anyone who uses the Internet to get their daily news is asking “What’s the New York Times?”  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Monday 8/25/14                
 
Israel's Tourism Ministry admitted that summer tourism in Israel was down by ninety-five percent over normal years because of ongoing rocket attacks. It makes sense.  *People like to drink while they're on vacation…but generally try to avoid getting bombed. (Paul Dudley)

Shipping giant, UPS, has been hacked and customers' credit card information across 24 states has been compromised. *After hearing of the data breach, the company immediately changed their name to "OOPS". (Mike Pritchett)

*A spokesperson for the company said now they feel like a "Target". (Mike Pritchett)

I took the Ice Bucket Challenge. *Oh the Shrinkage! (Bill Williams)

Less than half the high schoolers who took their ACT Tests in 2013 passed. So, no college for them. *Just go-nowhere jobs like soda jerk, gas station attendant, or governor of New Jersey. (Bill Williams)

Hostess is closing its Illinois bakery where Twinkies have been produced for 84 years. Eighty-four years producing the same thing. *Nothing’s likely to top that, except maybe the Duggar’s baby factory. (Bill Williams)

Forget the start of the NFL season…*I can’t wait for the fourth season of “Girls,” said no straight man ever.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Marcus Kalani Watson and Rogussia Allen Donaldson have been arrested by the F.B.I. for a series of Honolulu bank heists after they posted pictures of themselves on Facebook holding the loot. *Clearly tripped up by excessive use of social media -- their mug shots were selfies.  (Bob Mills)

Fuhu has debuted 20 and 24 inch Nabi Big Tab HD tablets that they claim will promote family interaction. *The screens are large enough for games like Scrabble and Monopoly and perfect for family friendly apps like "Let's Help Find Dad a Job!"  (Bob Mills)

Even though they’ve never paid halftime performers, the NFL has asked the 2015 candidates, Rihanna, Katy Perry and Coldplay, if they’d be willing to pay a kickback for the privilege of appearing. *The theme of the halftime show is “The Wonderful World of Chutzpah!”  (Bob Mills)

A study says that getting sick on a plane is less likely than people think. *Mostly because airlines quit serving in-flight meals years ago.  (Jim Barach)

The University of Texas has hired former quarterback Vince Young to a non-football post. *People were surprised. UT has jobs that aren’t connected to football?  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Friday 8/22/14              
 
 
Select Starbucks locations are now selling alcohol. *It makes sense since everything at Starbucks is sold at mini-bar prices. (Paul Dudley)

The good news? Kim Kardashian took the ice bucket challenge to raise awareness for ALS. The bad news? *The water did not make her melt. (Alex Kaseberg)

For the first time, satellite TV giants DirecTV and Dish will offer custom political commercials aimed at specific segments of the audience based on voting records, income, and buying habits. Great. *Now along with the usual election claptrap, we’ll have hack politicians hawking Salad Shooters, Pocket Fishermen, and “I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up” panic bracelets. (Bob Mills)

A restaurant called "The Ram" in Happy Valley, Oregon is being targeted by pro-breast feeding demonstrators to protest the owner's refusal to allow bare nipples in the dining room. Unfair really. *The bartender did offer to let the kid suck lunch through the sieve he uses to drain the margarita ice.  (Bob Mills)

The new Chevrolet Corvette offers an optional recorder in the dashboard connected to tiny screens that will record and play back everything that happens to the car after the driver hands the key to a valet. *In addition, the app evaluates the valet's neatness, wardrobe and familiarity with English to recommend an appropriate tip.  (Bob Mills)

Texas Governor Rick Perry is charged with two felony counts of power abuse. *Biggest abuse of Texas power since Carroll Shelby put Pinto wheels on a Cobra. (Bill Williams)

More and more parents are home schooling in North Carolina. *Advantages: Don’t have to cleanup. That’s the janitors job. *Disadvantages: Teacher glares at you during recess. (Bill Williams)

The Salt Lake Tribune reports a Utah high school dropped its Cougars mascot because it connotes middle-aged women out for young men. It's a very hot topic. *Playboy sold out its Back to College issue with a nude pictorial called The Women of Mom's Day Weekend at Florida State. (Argus Hamilton)

Israel's Tourism Ministry admitted that summer tourism in Israel was down by ninety-five percent over normal years. It's all due to the Hamas rocket attacks on Tel Aviv. *If one of the rockets disabled a cell phone tower, Americans would die of social media withdrawal.  (Argus Hamilton)

A study says the sound of a ticking clock actually leads some women to want to start a family earlier. *The only problem is when their husbands keep wanting to press the snooze button. (Jim Barach)

A report says that dirty play causes many kids’ sports injuries. *A real giveaway there may be trouble is when a kid shows up for little league batting practice wearing their hockey skates. (Jim Barach)

A study says that southern fried foods may cause kidney damage. *Mostly because the only way most people wash down a fried chicken dinner is with a six pack of beer.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 8/21/14                
 
Off the coast of Russia, a 200-year-old bottle of booze was found in a shipwreck and it is still drinkable.  *Located right next to it was a 200 year old Twinkie that was still edible.  (Paul Dudley)  
  
To protest a "no breastfeeding' policy at a California restaurant called "The Ram", one mother organized a "nurse-in" there. *Wouldn't that be more of a 'nurse-OUT'?  (Jason Shaw)

Hillary Clinton took the ALS-ice-bucket challenge. *It wasn’t really fair, she wore her wetsuit pantsuit.  (Alex Kaseberg) 

Donations for ALS research reached $13.3 million as a result of the “Ice Bucket Challenge.” Answered by the likes of Oprah Winfrey, Jimmy Fallon, Bill Gates, and LeBron James, the challenge raised ten times last year’s receipts. *Given today, Lou Gehrig’s speech would have gone “Today, I feel like the wettest man… “ (Bob Mills)

Answering McDonalds’ Dollar Menu & More, and Wendy’s Right Price, Right Size Menu, Taco Bell has launched its own Dollar Cravings Menu that features eleven items aimed at price conscious millennials. With an added twist. *Each entree is conveniently shaped to fit the hot plate in mom and dad’s basement room. (Bob Mills)

New words added by editors of the Oxford Dictionary this year include “bro hug,” “subtweet,” “clickbait,” and “yolo.”  *For the first time several words were removed from the Dictionary and among these were “Donald” and “Sterling.”  (Bob Mills)
   
The White House says it's closely monitoring the crisis on the Russian-Ukrainian border, the Israeli-Hamas war, the ISIS slaughter in Iraq and riots in Ferguson. President Obama rushed back to the White House from Martha's Vineyard Sunday. *He forgot his five-iron.  (Argus Hamilton)
           
Bill Clinton enjoyed a sixty-eighth birthday dinner at a New York restaurant with Hillary and Hollywood pals. He loves working the room. *At the bar, one of the waitresses poured a bucket of ice on his head and he quickly explained he'd just accepted the ALS challenge.  (Argus Hamilton)

Legalized marijuana is being credited with increased travel to Washington and Colorado. *Mostly when none of the passengers have any check in luggage, just a carryon bag with a bong and several packs of Zig-Zag papers. (Jim Barach)

The Pentagon gave away $500 Million worth of military gear to local law enforcement agencies last year. *Which may provide an explanation as to what happened to the people whose cars were destroyed by a grenade launcher during a routine traffic stop last week. (Jim Barach)

Starbucks is vowing to change its baristas’ unpredictable work schedules. *Although it’s not like there isn’t enough caffeine around the shop to get someone through an early morning shift.  (Jim Barach)

“Robo-cook,” a restaurant in China features robots who cook and serve the food. *I’ll have chow mien, spring rolls, sweet and sour pork with a side of WD-40 please. (Bill Williams)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 8/20/14               
 
 
Mr. T reported for jury duty in Chicago last week, but ultimately was not picked for the trial.  *The trial was delayed an hour trying to get him through the metal detector.  (Paul Dudley)

Charles Manson confirmed from California prison he will marry a twenty-five -year-old groupie. He led a murderous L.A. cult called the Manson Family who butchered celebrities at a Benedict Canyon house party in 1969. His friends agree it's nice to see him finally settle down. (Argus Hamilton)

The White House warned millions they will lose their health insurance policies if they don't verify their citizenship. Rumors are flying. It's not true President Obama is about to open the U.S. border to everyone and then introduce a new health care plan called EbolaCare.  (Argus Hamilton)

NASA is offering an $800 million contract to build space taxis that will carry astronauts between space stations. The requirements are simple. *The taxis must be safe, reliable, and smell like Tang vomit. (Bill Williams)

“OK panda” is a language learning app for Asians who want to learn English. *Also good for Americans who want to learn the Panda Express menu. (Bill Williams)

Kim Kardashian coming out with a 352-page book comprised entirely of her selfies. *“This does not make me want to puke at all,” said nobody.  (Alex Kaseberg)

NASCAR officials have issued a new rule prohibiting drivers from exiting their vehicles unless it’s on fire. Sounds harsh, but then the rule goes on to say, “If you really must get out of your car, at least put out flares and traffic cones.”  (Bob Mills)

Nickelodeon’s bi-lingual seven-year old sensation Dora the Explorer is now three years older in the net’s redesigned spinoff, “Dora and Friends: Into the City.” And she’s been getting plenty of help from veterans of toonville.  *So, far she’s received hair and makeup tips from Archie’s Veronica, wardrobe advice from Lois Lane, and several training bras from the Little Mermaid.  (Bob Mills)

A recent work space study concluded that a corner office is most desirable for good health because of the abundance of sunlight. Leave it to Google engineers to capitalize on the discovery. *They have successfully developed the “Google Rubik’s Cubicle” which guarantees every employee their own corner.  (Bob Mills)

Some Hawaiian bank robbers were caught after posting their pictures with stolen money on Facebook. *What’s even worse is that they were going on Facebook to use the money to buy some fake farmland.  (Jim Barach)

A survey says that workers are skipping vacations because there is too much work left over when they get back. *Which is the time they realize that they really need to take a vacation.  (Jim Barach)

Warren Buffett’s Berkshire Hathaway stock has topped $200,000 a share. *Which is really tough news to take for people who made the decision to instead put their money into Pets.com back in 1998.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 8/19/14                
 
The Oxford Dictionary is adding cray, YOLO and Zonkey to the ranks of officially recognized words.  Editors also added amazeballs, bro hug, subtweet and clickbait among dozens of other words.  *Apparently the editors are recent graduates…of junior high school.  (Paul Dudley)

Just heard Johnny Depp's voice in a car commercial. *Can we have a rule actors who own their own tropical islands don't get commercials?  (Alex Kaseberg)

A little awkward when Tiger Woods tried the ALS-awareness ice-bucket challenge. *Tiger’s back went out, he missed and hit a Hooters waitress.  (Alex Kaseberg)

So awkward, when the Oakland Raiders tried the ALS-awareness ice-bucket challenge...*the buckets won, 21-0. (Alex Kaseberg)

Paul McCartney played the “Farewell to Candlestick” concert last week. The next day they demolished the stadium to build a mall where promoters promise you can spend your money, *Eight Days a Week. (Bill Williams) 

Al Gore is suing Al Jazeera America claiming the news network owes him $500 million after buying his Current TV channel last year. *The Ex-VP says dollars-to-donuts isn’t enough, although very tasty. (Bill Williams)

A curbside plaque in Tarzana, California was dedicated to the memory of George Reeves, the actor who played the TV Superman, marking his 100th birthday. It was the arrival of the cell phone that spelled doom for the Man of Steel. *As phone booths disappeared, Clark Kent was forced to change clothes in public restrooms and finally gave up after several arrests while emerging from them wearing tights.  (Bob Mills)

Tennessee Circuit judge Russell Simmons, Jr. ruled that the state’s ban on same sex marriage is constitutional. “Neither the federal government nor another state can dictate to Tennessee what has traditionally been a state’s responsibility.”  *Down there, they keep marriage in the family where it belongs.  (Bob Mills)

Because of the violence in Ferguson, Missouri, Congress has promised to investigate how expensive military combat equipment ends up in the hands of small town cops untrained in their use. Embarrassment may be a factor, as well. *Seems several Islamic militants in Iraq saw the Ferguson cops on CNN and surrendered.  (Bob Mills)

A study says that having a corner office is healthier since it has more window space for more sunlight. *That, and the fact there is a better chance of ducking out quickly by being able to see the boss approaching down either hallway.  (Jim Barach)

Condos in Harlem are being snapped up as they are selling for half the price of those in Manhattan. *Half the price of something in Manhattan means being only twenty times higher than what most people can afford.  (Jim Barach)

The National Scrabble Championship was held in Buffalo, New York and was won by 24 year old Conrad Bassett-Bouchard from Oregon. *The winner had an advantage in that he scored 523 points just by spelling out his name.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Monday 8/18/14              
 
 
Apple announced it will ban two toxic chemicals that are used in the production of Apple products.  *The ad campaign for the new iPhone will be…iPhone 6, now 50 percent less toxic.  (Paul Dudley)

University of Notre Dame alums nationwide were shocked by press reports of classroom cheating by Fighting Irish grid stars KeiVarae Russell, DaVaris Daniels, Ishaq Williams, and Kendall Moore. Some immediately pleaded for leniency before the new season starts. *At least they knew where the classroom was.   (Bob Mills)

After a vote by MLB’s Board of Directors, Rob Manfred has succeeded his boss Bud Selig as Commissioner of Baseball. *He faces some daunting challenges that include reducing performance enhancing drug use, illegal importation of players, and keeping Pete Rose out of the Hall of Fame.  (Bob Mills)

South Korea merchants sold half a million Pope Francis T-shirts with his photo on them at seven bucks apiece for his arrival today in Seoul.  His first sermon should be fun. *The pope heard about the T-shirt sales and added copyright infringement to the list of Seven Deadly Sins.  (Argus Hamilton)

Justin Bieber's attorney reached a plea deal with Florida prosecutors reducing his drunk driving and drag racing charges in Miami. He's so polarizing. *A recent photograph showed him smoking a joint and fans of Bieber were shocked and fans of marijuana were embarrassed.  (Argus Hamilton)

They ranked the five unfriendliest cities, three out of five were French. *When asked to comment, a Frenchman gave us the finger.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Vladimir Putin has extended Edward Snowden's tourist visa. This is big news. Really big. *The last guy he did that for was D. B. Cooper. (Bill Williams)

An Internet dating site says that Amazon employees are hotter than Google or Facebook workers. *Although it turns out that the people rating Amazon the best all had a preference for large female warriors.  (Jim Barach)

A record number of parents are turning to home schooling in North Carolina. *Which is different to what most people in North Carolina refer to as getting an education at home, watching Sunday NASCAR racing on TV.  (Jim Barach)

The CDC says that one in four Americans admit they do no exercise at all. *The other three just couldn't make it off the couch to answer the survey.  (Jim Barach)

A restaurant in China is using robots to cook and serve food. *All entrees come seasoned to taste with motor oil along with a side of washers and bolts.  (Jim Barach)

Government revenue in 2014 has hit a record $2.46 Trillion through July. *There is so much money that Congress took off the entire month of August to get a second wind to be able to spend it all before the end of the year.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Friday 8/15/14                
 
On Tuesday, a fight broke out between the Oakland raiders and the Dallas cowboys during a joint practice.  *The Dallas Cowboys called it a fight, the Oakland Raiders called it Tuesday.  (Mark Wheeler)

September is back to school month and I want to thank all teachers everywhere for: *Getting them out of line at Starbucks! (Bill Williams)

A 7-year-old dog named Duke has been elected overwhelmingly Mayor of Cormorant, Minnesota. *He won on the simple campaign slogan: “Only crack I’ll ever snort is, well, you know.” (Bill Williams)

President Obama and Hillary Clinton crossed paths at a birthday party for a mutual friend on Martha’s Vineyard.  *According to aides, their meeting was cordial -- just Obama, Hillary and their food tasters. (Bob Mills)

A hospital in Clermont-Ferrand, France is believed to be the first in the world to provide a fully stocked wine bar for its patients. *The bartender gives them a choice -- glass, spritzer or IV.  (Bob Mills)

The “Fire Challenge” is a new teen craze which involves dousing themselves with raw alcohol and setting themselves on fire. *Those who survive are given free membership in an Ivy League fraternity of their choice. (Bob Mills)

Congress is in summer recess. You can still reach your Representative if you have his contact numbers. *$10,000. $20,000. $50,000. (Alan Ray)

Apple’s workforce is 70 percent male. Upper management would like to change that percentage. *But no one has ever spoken to a girl.  (Alan Ray)

The Little League World Series begins. Already, there’s been a juicing incident. *A young player test positive for Capri Sun. (Alan Ray)

Scientists have created a rudimentary model of a brain that functions at low capacity. Don’t we already have that? *It’s called Kardashians.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Vladimir Putin extended NSA leaker Edward Snowden's tourist visa which allows him to remain in Russia for another three years. He should lie low. *The Germans are still mad at Ed Snowden for spying on their phone calls, and this from the nation that gave us the Gestapo.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Bureau of Labor Statistics has released a list of the types of jobs that that are most endangered in 2014, with mail carrier at the top. *Fortunately, Post Office workers are safe since they are still delivering letters postmarked back in 1996.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 8/14/14              
 
 
Customers at a Georgia subway restaurant located inside a Walmart started throwing things at  the workers because the store's lettuce looked brown.  *They were so busy throwing the brown lettuce they didn’t even realize the meat was green.  (Paul Dudley)

“The Expendables 3” opens in movie theaters. Wesley Snipes performs an unusual stunt in this edition. *He pays his taxes. (Alan Ray)

The nation’s children head back to school this month. It’s a classroom full of the three R’s. *Readin’, Ritin’, and Ritalin. (Alan Ray)

A study shows eating out can add an extra 200 calories per day. What’s always the first sign of an unhealthy meal?  *“Next Exit, Sizzler?”  (Alan Ray)

An 87-year-old nudist is running for sheriff in Oak Harbor, Washington. *His patrol car is easy to spot, not only is his left blinker on, his bulb is bare. (Bill Williams)

Lady Gaga soon to release her own scent. She might think about a name change though. *Eau de Pulled Pork just isn’t romantic. (Bill Williams)

Momentum Machines is developing an electric burger flipping robot that can make 360 hamburgers per hour. Things never change though. *It won’t be long and it’ll be picketing for “minimum wattage.” (Bill Williams)

One group is pressuring U.S. Ryder Team coach Tom Watson to put Tiger Woods on the team. *But how much does the National Association of Waitresses actually know about golf? (Bob Mills)

A man in Russia is crediting his Justin Bieber ringtone for scaring away a bear that had been attacking him. *Of course, the fact that he stopped throwing raw eggs at the bear may have helped. (Bob Mills)

Amazon is now producing its own in house films and sitcoms. Among them is their long awaited sci-fi thriller “Revenge of the Old Fashioned Brick & Mortar Book Stores.” (Bob Mills)

GOP filmmaker James O'Keefe made himself up to look like Osama bin Laden and he shot a video of himself crossing the Rio Grande into the U.S. past U.S. border guards. Now there's proof. *Even dead terrorists are moving to Texas for the low taxes and friendly business climate.  (Argus Hamilton)

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said those published photos of him grabbing woman's breasts and pressing another young woman's face to his crotch are misleading. He said it was a misrepresentation. *He explained the photos were stills from his yet-to-be-released rap album.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 8/13/14                
 
Bruce Jenner was pulled over by police in Los Angeles Sunday night and given a ticket for speeding.  *It took the cops a few minutes to determine whether to give him a ticket for speeding or for drag racing.  (Paul Dudley)

A California school district shelved a sex ed text book because it discusses S&M.  The edition had been revised.  *That chapter was brand spanking new.  (Alan Ray)

“The Giver” opens in movie theaters.  A young boy learns the ways of the world from an old man.  *His first lesson is “Here, pull my finger”.   (Alan Ray)

Anthony Weiner is opening a restaurant in the New York City area.  He will tweet patrons the menu.  *Most likely junk food.  (Alan Ray)

Good news? Researches say dogs can detect prostate cancer. Bad news? *It is really hard to get a dog to wear a rubber glove.  (Alex Kaseberg)
 
Resurrecting the 1980's kids’ superhero craze for the “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” Paramount’s new film has opened to lukewarm reviews. *Some fans are put off by the crass commercialism of Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello and Michelangelo who now have Spalding, Wilson, Rawlings and Nike logos painted on their shells. (Bob Mills)

In Dreamwork's new “Hundred Foot Journey,” Helen Mirren plays a snooty French restaurant owner who gets her apron in a twist when an Indian restaurant opens across the street. *It’s not that their food is that much better -- their waiters can also fix the customers’ computers. (Bob Mills)

The newest addition to the San Antonio Spurs, Becky Hammon, is the first female assistant coach ever hired by an NBA team. Already on thin ice, though. Can’t seem to drum up much support for a name change to the San Antonio Buttons ‘N’ Bows. (Bob Mills)

The L.A. Times reports that porn movie production is the latest industry to flee California. *Thousands of production jobs have been lost. Porn is the only branch of show business where the best Grip is not only a studio executive but also an actress award category.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Washington Post ran an article detailing how often President Obama has been late to scheduled press briefings. So far he has been late a total of thirty-five hours during this year alone. *The president blamed it on the slow play of the foursomes ahead of him.  (Argus Hamilton)

GM is working along with a UK firm to develop a voice activated control system for their cars. *At this point all they need to do is get the car to understand "You've been recalled again."  (Jim Barach)

The drought in California has cost a reported $2.2 Billion. At least they can say it isn't money that has gone down the drain.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 8/12/14              
 
 
Last week, a bear was attacking a Russian man, and he was able to repel the attack by playing his Justin Bieber ringtone.  *The man survived, but unfortunately he’s now being charged with cruelty to animals.  (Paul Dudley)

San Antonio Spurs hire first female coach. No special treatment. *Like everyone else in NBA, she’ll be expected to carry her own marijuana. (Alan Ray)

This is Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. Cameras will take the viewer to exotic places where they school. *Harvard and Yale. (Alan Ray)

Ralph Lauren refuses to sign an anti-slave labor pact. It would be inappropriate within company. *At their factories, the workers are too young to read. (Alan Ray)

Question: Why do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wear masks? *It's not like a whole lot of other Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles out there. (Alex Kaseberg)

In retaliation for our sanctions, Russia is imposing a "full embargo" on food imports from the US. I predict a sad future for them. *No more Happy Meals. (Bill Williams)

Marianne Faithfull claims that in 1971 her boyfriend accidentally killed Jim Morrison of The Doors with an overdose of heroin. *She did NOT however, apologize for her terrible singing. (Bill Williams)

The CDC set up quarantine stations in international airports for Ebola victims. A serum from tobacco plants has been successful on it. *If Ebola really starts to spread, the Surgeon General's warning on each pack of cigarettes will tell you to smoke like your life depends on it.  (Argus Hamilton)

First spotted in Texas, the bite of the Lone Star tick has caused an outbreak of red meat allergies. *Meat lovers are being cautioned to avoid any crab like bug that appears to be wearing a cowboy hat and six tiny boots.  (Bob Mills)

The cast of the "Big Bang Theory" recently got a raise in salary to $1 million per episode plus back end points. *If this keeps up, they’ll end up costing more than the original Big Bang. (Bob Mills)

California water officials have ordered a $500 fine for people who waste water. *In Los Angeles, wasting water means washing a domestic car. (Jim Barach)

A 107 year old Minnesota woman says the secret to her longevity is never drinking alcohol or dancing. *What she doesn't know is that one usually leads to the other.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Monday 8/11/14                
 
Pope Francis is calling on young people to get off the Internet and their smartphones and start doing something productive with their lives.  *Young people all over the world Tweeted that they are now committed to doing something productive on Facebook.  (Paul Dudley)

Boy band One Direction has launched a U.S. tour. The group expanded its musical range in this new concert performance. *They’ve added second rhythm. (Alan Ray)

A hospital in France has a wine bar for patients. Servers reminded of etiquette. *You don’t say to someone in for colonoscopy “bottoms up”. (Alan Ray)

There’s a bed bug infestation in the New York City subway system. How gross is that? *It’s so unsanitary down there, people are now afraid to go pee.  (Alan Ray)

North Korea announced it has opened a summer camp for children from all over the world where kids can swim, play volleyball and learn about the culture. It's run by North Korea's government. *The camp only lasts two weeks, that is, if the parents pay the ransom. (Argus Hamilton)

Russian troops and armor massed on the border of eastern Ukraine last week, appearing set to invade Ukraine for the pro-Russian rebels. The U.S. offered no arms to Kiev to resist the invasion. *The Weather Channel just reported that the five-day forecast for Ukraine is two days.  (Argus Hamilton)

USA Today reported that Russian computer hackers stole the user names, passwords and e-mail addresses of a billion people around the world. They didn't waste any time. *The next morning, a billion people received e-mails for vodka-flavored penile-enlargement pills.  (Argus Hamilton)

As a birthday present, Kim Kardashian sent a naked picture of herself to the guy who designed her wedding dress. He was confused, thinking it was a travel photo at first. *You know, the Grand Canyon. (Bill Williams)

In the “fire challenge,” teen boys set themselves on fire after dousing down with rubbing alcohol. This comes from too many geeks living in one basement. *Nature always finds a way to thin the heard. (Bill Williams)

A San Francisco man was sentenced recently, to three months in federal prison for profiting off of insider trading when the Walt Disney Company purchased Marvel Entertainment. *Disney has already begun filming a movie about the story, and the working title is, "The Muppets take on Alcatraz". (Mike Pritchett) 

Many viewers were stunned by how real the Great Whites in “Sharknado 2” appeared. No mystery, really. *Much of it was filmed during last year’s American Bar Association convention in Wichita. (Bob Mills)

Los Angeles County has purchased an app called Pulse Point that directs heart attack victims to the nearest defibrillator. *The units will be placed in high risk areas like Beverly Hills restaurants where menu price cardiac arrest is rampant. (Bob Mills)

The Funny Firm - Friday 8/8/14              
 
 
A man in New Zealand whose pregnant girlfriend threw a knife at him so hard that it became lodged in his skull, told reporters he was confident their relationship would continue. *Well, I guess he's looking on the bright side, the relationship certainly couldn't get much worse.  (Paul Dudley)

Gannett will spin off it's publishing business.  Exact details of the maneuver were scant and incomplete.  *It was only announced in USA Today.  (Alan Ray)

The NFL exhibition has begun. Cleveland Rookie QB Johnny Manziel got blitzed the other day. *Then he left Hooters and came to practice. (Alan Ray)

The band, Spandau Ballet, is recording their first album in 25 years. *Apparently, they didn't find it hard to write the next line anymore. (Mike Pritchett)

NASCAR driver, Jeff Gordon, turned 43rd recently. *Unfortunately he didn't make it to his party because he kept driving in circles around the venue. (Mike Pritchett)

A semi trailer overturned on an Indiana highway, spilling about 45,000 pounds of packages of butter. *No one was injured, however, the spill did clog up the town's main artery. (Mike Pritchett)

The latest Bachelorette is getting flack because she had sex with both Nick and Josh in the Fantasy Suite. The flack is from the producers. *That’s what their couch is for. (Bill Williams)

We heard the new FDA approved Gluten-Free food labels went into effect this week. *Don't know what gluten is, but if it's free, we're first in line for it!  (Jason Shaw)

Edward Snowden will be staying in Russia for three more years. *Let's hope he celebrates by updating his photo.  (Jason Shaw)

Syracuse was rated America's number-one party school in the annual survey conducted by the Princeton Review. It's their call to make each year. *While teaching at Princeton, Albert Einstein decided to split the atom because he was unable to separate college students from beer. (Argus Hamilton)

Famed Hollywood director Martin Scorsese is supporting Kodak whose film stock sales have declined 96% due to digital conversion. *Of course, he still has an 8-track tape player, talks on a Princess phone, and types scripts on an IBM Selectric.  (Bob Mills)

A North Carolina restaurant gives diners seen saying grace before their meal a 15% discount. Must be a trend. *There’s an Olive Garden in Salt Lake City that offers a free dessert if you can turn the water into wine or the bread sticks into fish.  (Bob Mills)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 8/7/14                
 
Scrabble is adding more than 5,000 words to its dictionary, including “buzzkill.”  *Buzzkill is what happens when someone suggests playing Scrabble.  (Paul Dudley)

“Into the Storm” opens in theaters this weekend.  Small town folk long for simpler times post tornadoes.  *“Why can’t we go back to days of just contaminated water?”  (Alan Ray)

A report says the average airfare is now over $500.  Of course, it’s double that amount if a flier takes a companion.  *His luggage.  (Alan Ray)

MLB division races get intense.  Forty thousand fans at Dodger Stadium all shouting the same refrain.  *“Sorry, I need to take this call.”  (Alan Ray) 

Donald Trump called for a halt of all flights to the U.S. from Ebola-infected countries in Africa . His warning fell upon deaf ears just like the script says. *Americans are ignoring the news about of the Ebola virus like we're the lead character at the beginning of a zombie movie. (Argus Hamilton)

CIA Director John Brennan apologized for the CIA's spying on U.S. lawmakers in the House and Senate. He agreed spying on Congress was stupid. *If the CIA wants to know all about the sex lives of middle-aged white people, the CBS prime-time line-up airs nightly for anyone to see. (Argus Hamilton)

The Big Bang Theory inked its stars to million-dollar-an-episode contracts Friday. It's the number-one hit for CBS in prime time and for WB in syndication. *The Big Bang Theory also fulfills a Department of Education order requiring the state of Kansas to provide science classes. (Argus Hamilton)

The eight year long Kim Kardashian-Paris Hilton feud over. *Suddenly the worries about Israel and Hamas, Russia and Ukraine and the Ebola virus just faded away. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Fast Toys Club of Brentwood caters to car snobs willing to pay a $30,000-$50,000 annual fee to rent cars like the Aston-Martin Volante, the Mercedes G63 AMG or the Rolls-Royce Phantom. *Be wary, though. *If you return it with less than a full tank, the fee doubles.  (Bob Mills)

The makers of upscale BMW sedans have managed to pack the same snob appeal into their new RNineT motorcycle. *At a pricy $14,999, it has a 1170cc oil cooled engine that automatically squirts grease on any Harley that comes within 15 feet.  (Bob Mills)

The CDC says that fewer than 3% of U.S. adults identify themselves as gay, lesbian or bisexual. *They don't actually say so, but that is the number of people that Nielsen says watch Bravo Network and HGTV.  (Jim Barach)

A Peruvian tribe came out of the Amazon last week and made its first contact with the modern world. *Not surprisingly they asked, 'Take us to your Iced, Half Caff, Ristretto, Venti, 4-Pump, Sugar Free, Cinnamon, Dolce Soy Skinny Latte please.' (Bill Williams)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 8/6/14              
 
 
In Houston, a group of 11 men drove their pickup truck through the front door of KY Fashions, ran in, took dozens of hair extensions and then fled the scene.  *Police say the suspects are armed and gorgeous.  (Mark Wheeler)

Mudslides inundated Southern California over the weekend.  The slippery ground in Malibu has affected signage there.  *“Slower homes.  Please keep right.”  (Alan Ray)

Three in five Americans have made love in a car.  Sex while driving is a new twist.  *It adds new meaning to the phrase “pulling out in traffic”.  (Alan Ray)

Jon Bon Jovi trying to buy Buffalo Bills.  Fans will soon shout a popular song refrain.  *“You give football a bad name…”  (Alan Ray)

A survey reveals 50% of Americans have gone to work hung-over. *So that means that the other 50% of Americans are liars.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Mexico City, a drunk man accidentally shot and killed himself while posing for a selfie with his gun. *Police ruled it justifiable homicide.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Tiger Woods has injured his back again. *Guys, for the last time, when picking up a Waffle House waitress, lift with your legs.  (Alex Kaseberg)

A federal judge has ruled the death penalty unconstitutional in California. *The difference is that this time it means for everyone and not just celebrities. (Jim Barach)

Lady Gaga has been enlisted to help with California’s drought relief efforts. *Officials are planning to have her give a concert where people attending will only grow drought resistant tomatoes to throw at her. (Jim Barach)

Cab drivers in Seattle are going through “charm school” classes to compete with driver services like Uber. *Or as New York cabbies know charm school, learning to never point with the middle finger when you are flipping off another driver. (Jim Barach)

A North Carolina diner offers 15% discount for praying in public. *Double that if you’re praying for the Cubs. (Bill Williams)

A space company in Houston will send the ashes of your deceased pets into orbit and back for $995. *For dogs, the route includes several short visits to satellites shaped like fire hydrants.  (Bob Mills)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 8/5/14                
 
A woman in New Mexico pulled a gun on a Comcast technician because she didn't want to pay her cable bill.  It’s pretty shocking really.  *A cable installer actually showed up for an appointment.  (Paul Dudley)

The Kim Kardashian video game is a top download. It’ll remind you of Madden NFL or NBA Live. *You get to score with players.  (Alan Ray)

Piers Morgan and Larry King are feuding. Piers Morgan calls the bickering a petty, insignificant spat. *Larry King calls it a marriage. (Alan Ray)

A Sacramento TV anchor is accused of shoplifting. The station will roll credit at end of show...*“Wardrobe provided by Department of Corrections.”  (Alan Ray)

Vice President Joe Biden likes to swim naked in cold White House pool.  *You thought Obama's popularity poll was shrinking? (Alex Kaseberg)

In Chicago, two older men robbed Viagra from a pharmacy. *Police warn they could be packing a gun, or they are just glad to see you.  (Alex Kaseberg)

A federal judge fined on Bank of America $1.3 billion for mortgage fraud. *He did it dramatically, too, handing his ruling to a teller with instructions to put stacks unmarked bills in a brown paper bag.  (Bob Mills)

Ending their 25 year ad partnership, Southwest Airlines and Sea World have split. *The airline was turned off by evidence that Sea World mistreats its whales and Sea World thinks Southwest's flight attendants are starting to look like Shamu.  (Bob Mills)

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says the NFL Draft will be in Chicago or L.A. in 2015. *The one thing that could keep L.A. out of the running is that when people were told about it they kept asking “What’s the NFL?”  (Jim Barach)

Microsoft says it will be shutting down its Xbox studios as part of its upcoming layoffs. *The worst part is that the laid off employees won’t getting any upgrades to the Xboxes they will be playing on every day while they are out of work.  (Jim Barach)

Competitive gaming is coming soon to ESPN.  *It is being anxiously anticipated by all the gamers who need something to do during meals when they actually stop playing their own games for a few minutes. (Jim Barach)

A U.N. delegate on climate change warned that the drought may soon force people to migrate out of California. That's pretty pessimistic. *Realtors have a new and more uplifting motto: Come to California for the Beautiful Sunshine and Stay Out of Morbid Curiosity.   (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Monday 8/4/14              
 
 
The SyFy channel debuted the movie "Sharknado 2” last week.  *It was a bit of as disappointment, the movie is never as good as the book.  (Mark Wheeler)

Orlando Bloom punched Justin Bieber. The actor faces legal ramifications. *He could be awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor.  (Alan Ray)

Congress leaves for summer break. They can boast of one bipartisan achievement. *They all came together to approve their summer break. (Alan Ray)

Andi Dorman chose Josh Murray in “The Bachelorette”. She knew right he was the man of her dreams. *It was love at first commercial break. (Alan Ray)

The Sarah Palin Channel is offered on the Internet for ten dollars a month to viewers. Already people want refunds. *Guys are complaining that last night they watched the Sarah Palin Channel for almost two hours and she didn't even take off her glasses. (Argus Hamilton)

Russia responded to U.S. sanctions by accusing the McDonald's restaurants in Moscow of consumer fraud. It's a crackdown on American fast food joints. *Russia ordered McDonald's to post the calorie count on all their menu items and they're forcing Cinnabon to post its death toll.   (Argus Hamilton)

Shelly Sterling won a court case to sell the Clippers to Microsoft's CEO after her husband. Donald Sterling lost his court case and made two billion dollars. *Two things on this earth are just impossible, defying gravity and explaining Los Angeles to outsiders.  (Argus Hamilton)

Gary, Indiana will mark the 5th anniversary of Michael Jackson’s death by naming a school after him. *It’s his first such honor unless you count the Dr. Conrad Murray School of Anesthesiology in Muncie.  (Bob Mills) 

Inflicting damage that will cost millions to repair, a 90 year old water main burst and flooded Pauley Pavilion, the home of UCLA basketball. *Incoming freshman are being advised to bring a backpack, a laptop, and a kayak. (Bob Mills) 

A study confirms that people who smoke marijuana can develop short term paranoia. *Mostly from being worried about getting busted for possession of pot.  (Jim Barach)

A study says that people who drink alcohol mixed with energy drinks want to drink more alcohol. *Which means those energy drinks come in handy when you need that extra boost to hold your head up over the toilet while throwing up all night.  (Jim Barach)

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft says the NFL should strive to have a London team by the end of the decade. The only problem is getting fans in England used to a scoreboard that goes higher than 1-0.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Friday 8/1/14                
 
LeBron James announced that he will wear his original jersey number 23 when he returns to the Cavaliers this season.  *It was very sweet of LeBron to let Cleveland fans know what jersey they’ll be setting on fire two years from now. (Paul Dudley)

A tree in LA dedicated to Beatle George Harrison was destroyed by an infestation of tree eating beetles. *If they ever dedicate a tree to Earth, Wind & Fire, it won’t have a chance. (Bob Mills) 

TV’s Batman Adam West has endorsed Ben Affleck, tapped to play the next reincarnation of the action hero in “Batman vs. Superman.” *In fact, he gifted Ben with the custom bat-winged athletic cup he wore during the series. (Bob Mills)

A Chicago company that makes bathroom fixtures has put a limit on the time employees may spend in the bathroom. Isn’t that a little like Apple limiting the time sweat shop employees who assemble iPhones can spend talking on them?  (Bob Mills)

Minnesota's ex-governor Jesse Ventura won a libel suit against the widow of a Navy SEAL who wrote before he died he beat up Ventura in a bar. His legacy is secure. *We owe a great debt to Jesse Ventura for taking American politics and raising it to the level of professional wrestling.  (Argus Hamilton)

The New York Times published an editorial Sunday calling on the federal government to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. The newspaper went all out. *In over one hundred sixty years of publication, it was the first issue of the New York Times that had gummed edges.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Los Angeles Dodgers just got Darwin Barney from the Cubs. The news created a buzz around Dodger Stadium. Fans were so excited, they almost dropped their cell phones. (Alan Ray)

At a night club in Spain, Orlando Bloom threw a punch at Justin Bieber. This just in. *Orlando Bloom is now my favorite actor. (Alex Kaseberg)

Microsoft says it will lay off about 18,000 employees in the next year. *The company is telling employees to use it as an opportunity, and that every time a door closes it’s probably a result of opening Windows 8.  (Jim Barach)

Car rental agencies in Denver report that customers are leaving the pot they bought in town in their rentals rather than risk trying to take it through the airport. *As opposed to the customers who smoke all their weed and instead leave their glasses, wallet and luggage. (Jim Barach)

U.S., China and Australia military forces will take part in an infantry exercise said to teach troops how to survive “out in the wild, eating snakes and bugs.”  *Which means that the Army is preparing to invade Louisiana.  (Jim Barach)

The FDA says it is working on an overhaul of food labeling, making it more understandable what foods are good and bad. Although it’s a pretty good bet that it is bad if it comes in a can or a box and needs a label in the first place.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 7/31/14              
 
 
One software developer is setting an example about how to be romantic in the digital age. According to the "Leader-Post" newspaper of Regina, Saskatchewan, 27-year-old David Kossatz created a mobile app to propose to his girlfriend. *It’s the first time an app was used to propose…it’s also the first time an app developer actually had a girlfriend to propose to.  (Paul Dudley)

Donald Trump says he likely won’t buy the Buffalo Bills. Of course, anything is possible. *After all, he’s been known to get a wild hair. (Alan Ray)

Lyft will operate in NYC. There’s no confusing it with a traditional taxi. *You can tell always tell a Manhattan cab by its iconic smell.  (Alan Ray)

Baseball’s trade deadline is today. What’s the term for someone who can come in for 3 innings and give support? *A Dodger fan.  (Alan Ray)

An Oregon 3-year old drove his parents‘ Jeep into the side of their neighbor’s house then ran back home to watch cartoons. *He was charged with DUR, driving under the influence of the Roadrunner.  

After only three years running Wal-Mart, CEO Greg Foran is stepping down. Policy differences. *He couldn’t understand why someone making $20 million a year should be required to wear a suit from Wal-Mart.

The experts say the U.S. Economy is bouncing back because over 230 thousand jobs were added in July. *Sounds good...even though most of the added jobs involve asking, "Do you want to Super Size that?" 

U.S. health officials are watching the Ebola virus outbreak very carefully because of people who have recently traveled to Africa. *So if you notice a co-worker acting stressed after their vacation, don't ask them, "Hey what's eating you?" (Jason Shaw)

Hitchbot, a hitchhiking robot is crossing Canada’s 3,800 miles using only a mechanical thumb and your car for transport. A word of warning to all Tesla owners though. *He’s a horny little bot and always has his eye out for a one night recharging stand. (Bill Williams)

Canada relief agencies drove truckloads of bottled water into Detroit to help Detroit residents whose water got shut off due to non-payment of water bills. It was confusing. *The labels on the bottles may read Budweiser, Coors and Miller but Canadians consider it water. (Argus Hamilton)

The U.S. Mint released a new John F. Kennedy half dollar coin on the fiftieth anniversary of the first JFK half-dollar. His hair is more tousled on the new coin. *It probably got that way from that affair he had with the Susan B. Anthony coin when the Mint workers weren't looking.  (Argus Hamilton)

Kobe Bryant is featured in a new documentary where he says he is “scared” of his future after basketball. *It must be fearful to be 36 and wonder how long that $200 Million net worth is going to last.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 7/30/14                
 
In broad daylight, two older men armed with guns held up a medical clinic in Chicago and made off with hundreds of dollars’ worth of Viagra. They took 56 Viagra pills worth $1,700. *If caught the two men could face stiff penalties.  (Paul Dudley)

The NFL preseason has begun.  Big scare at the Baltimore Ravens camp the other day.  *Ray Rice suffered a slap on the wrist.  (Alan Ray)

“Guardians of the Galaxy” opens.  The movie has some incredible special effects.  *In one scene, it looks like Vin Diesel can act.  (Alan Ray)

Michael Jackson will have a grade school named after him in Gary, Indiana, in September to honor the King of Pop's regard for children. The day he died five years ago, dozens of kids showed up at the front gate of his mansion. *A half hour later, the cops arrived and let them out.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Pole World News Awards will hold their international pole-dancing contest in Puerto Vallarta in November. Strippers from dozens of nations will be on hand to dance, strip and twirl on the pole before judges. *It's an annual contest to find out who is the world's worst father.  (Argus Hamilton)

NSA leaker Ed Snowden said Friday the NSA routinely spies on leaders around the world. It's no secret. *Jimmy Carter said he will not e-mail foreign leaders because he believes the NSA is reading his advice, and because he can't find the Send button on his Underwood typewriter. (Argus Hamilton)

Science students at Harvard have invented a cake that’s sprayed from an aerosol can.  *Now they’re working on a version that will have a spray painted naked girl in it for fraternity birthday parties.  (Bob Mills)

Safeway supermarkets is being sold to Albertsons stores for a whopping $9.2 billion. *The sale will proceed faster than normal for a merger of this size because Albertsons had the smarts to get into the “10 Billion or Less” line. (Bob Mills)

Girl Scouts can now earn a Barbie Merit Badge for campground skills. *For instance, did you know you can start a fire by rubbing Ken and Barbie together?  (Bob Mills)

A faucet manufacturing company in Chicago has put a limit on the amount of time employees can spend in the restroom each week. *The worst part is trying to hold it while water is constantly running during faucet testing.  (Jim Barach)

A poll says that smokers feel high cigarette taxes are unjust. *Although the good part about cigarette taxes is the more you smoke, the less time you will have to pay them.  (Jim Barach)

“Real Housewives of New Jersey” star Teresa Giudice is reportedly going to be using her entire $700,000 yearly salary on legal fees. *It’s just too bad she wasn’t able to set some of that aside for acting lessons.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 7/29/14              
 
 
Comic book fans are already eagerly anticipating Comic-Con 2015. Comic-Con concluded its four-day run in San Diego with a schedule of events geared for children. *It’s a comic book convention, aren’t all 4 days geared towards children?  (Paul Dudley)

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford broke his little toe working out. *The last time Ford worked out was 20 years ago, which is also the last time he saw his little toe  (Alex Kaseberg)

A tree in Los Angeles dedicated to George Harrison was recently killed by beetles. *In a just world, the Justin Bieber tree would be destroyed by egg-throwing hoodlums.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Michael Moore has shed his wife and film partner for the last 22 years Kathleen Glynn. *The scheduled August release of their latest film “Bowling for Divorce Lawyers” has been postponed indefinitely.  (Bob Mills)

GM has added 60 more recalls, raising their annual total to 30 million vehicles. *Their ad agency has come up with a clever spin, though: “Return it Yourself and Make Detroit Your Vacation Destination!”  (Bob Mills)

A federal judge tossed out a suit alleging that the Chiquita Banana Co. financed guerrillas in the Colombian civil war. *Also included was an allegation the Chiquita was sleeping with several prominent drug lords. (Bob Mills)

The New York Post reported that Bill Clinton is cheating on Hillary Clinton with a blonde in Chappaqua. It was ever thus. In a recent interview, Hillary revealed the first time that Bill proposed, she refused. *The reason was, he didn't propose marriage, he proposed a threesome.  (Argus Hamilton)

NBC's analyst coach Tony Dungy said he would not have drafted gay rookie Michael Sam because he wouldn't want to deal with the distractions. It surprised everybody. *You'd think that the last problem that the NFL's first openly gay player would have would be with the Tony's.  (Argus Hamilton)

After 35 years of trying, Weird Al got a number one album on the Billboard 200. Weird Al is proud of his career. He invented the internet, was vice president, and made a movie…my mistake. *That was Weird Al Gore. (Bill Williams)

"The Rock" made a rare public appearance with his unnamed girlfriend. *I hear he calls her "Paper" or “Scissors," depending if he's horny or not. (Bill Williams)

A study says that Americans are keeping more money in their checking accounts than in the past two decades. People are sleeping better with bigger bank accounts. *Especially from not having all those uncomfortable lumps to contend with when they stuff all their cash into their mattress.  (Jim Barach)

A poll says that Americans who exercise the most feel best about their appearance. *Then why is it that it’s always the obese men who like to walk around the beach wearing Speedos?  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Monday 7/28/14                
 
The recall of millions of General Motors vehicles is not the financial disaster GM dealers feared.  Dealers from around the country say a number of customers who bring in their old cars for repairs wind up driving home in newly purchased vehicles.  The only downside?  *When they get the new car home, the ignition switch won’t turn the car off. (Paul Dudley)

Seven people have been arrested for hacking into StubHub and buying tickets. Cops knew something was up by really odd trends. *A Nickelback concert sold out. (Alan Ray) 

A cook at a Philadelphia-area McDonalds was busted for selling crack. Customers were totally surprised. *“McDonalds has cooks?” (Alan Ray)

Batman is 75. The caped crusader is older. He still drives around town in the bat mobile. *But he always leaves his turn signal on. (Alan Ray)

Germany will use typewriters to outsmart NSA spying. *Really wanting to rub their nose in it, they hired ex-NSA secretaries who can type 200 lies per minute. (Bill Williams)

“Tweets” are sure named appropriately. They’re all from a bunch of bird brains. (Bill Williams)

A New Hampshire woman stopped her car to let some ducklings cross the road and got a $100 ticket. The cop wrote her up on a seldom-used New Hampshire blue law. *Thou shall not flock in public. (Bill Williams)

New York City is the unhappiest city in the U.S. according to the University of British Columbia and Harvard. Don’t know who they studied, but it just ain’t so. *NYC is the only place in the world to combine a combination state-of-the-art subway and urinal. (Bill Williams)

Southern California firm Allergan had to lay off fifteen hundred scientists to increase profits. They make Botox and breast implants. *If Allergen sounds familiar, they always get thanked during Oscar acceptance speeches second, right after the director and before God. (Argus Hamilton)

The University of Missouri released a study saying Facebook contributes to infidelity and accelerates the opportunity for human depravity. Being on Facebook is like being in prison. *You waste a lot of time alone, you write on walls, and you get poked by people you don't know every night. (Argus Hamilton)

An Experian Automotive study found that buyers of convertibles are most likely to: *1) Make more money 2) Live in a sunny climate and 3) Having a midlife crisis.  (Bob Mills)

Over the weekend Huntington Beach, California scaled back their popular U.S. Surfing Open Tournament to avoid a repeat of last year’s near riot. *No alcohol, no live music, and contestants were  limited to hanging only five. (Bob Mills)

The Funny Firm - Friday 7/25/14              
 
 
According to a new poll, two-thirds of people in Colorado think it should be illegal to smoke marijuana in public. *The other one third of Colorado residents think everyone should stop being a total buzzkill. (Paul Dudley)

Comic Con is taking place right now in San Diego. *It is the only time when hookers are hired to play Dungeons and Dragons. (Alex Kaseberg)

Camps open in the NFL. Many on the Baltimore Ravens are focusing on their first opponent. *A Maryland district attorney.  (Alan Ray)

The trailer for “Fifty Shades of Grey” is out. Shooting movie took real commitment from the actors. *They were tied up for quite some time.  (Alan Ray)

Snoop Dogg claims he smoked weed in White House restroom. It made him silly and chatty. *Outside the stall, others mistook him for Joe Biden.  (Alan Ray)

Three thousand Goodwill Outlets nationwide may have had customers’ credit cards high jacked. Ironic, isn’t it?  *While they wear recycled clothing, hackers are recycling their bank accounts.  (Bob Mills)

Mark Zuckerberg will take the stand in the trial of a man charged with attempting to scam Facebook. May be some bias here, though. *The judge has ordered the jury to “like” his testimony.  (Bob Mills)

Cameron Diaz's $40 million “Sex Tape” is proving to be a real box office clunker, grossing only $14 million its opening weekend. In it, a couple’s private bed romp video goes viral. *Rest assured this movie won’t.  (Bob Mills)

Carlos Slim, the second richest man in the world is trying to sell Mexico on the idea of a three-day work week. Definitely a no sale here. *Congress will never give up their one-day work week. (Bill Williams)

Paula Dean is running her own online cooking network. *Be the first on your block to sign up and learn from the expert how to cook your own goose. (Bill Williams)

Girl Scouts of America can now earn the Barbie merit badge. *As an added bonus, Mattel promises the first girl to reach 36-26-36 gets free Botox injections life. (Bill Williams)

A report says that only 7% of members of tech boards of directors in Silicon Valley are women. *Mostly because that is the number of women who knew the answer to the question needed to qualify for board membership, “What is the top speed of the Millennium Falcon?”  (Alan Ray)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 7/24/14                
 
In an interview with Jimmy Kimmel, rapper Snoop Dogg shocked some security experts by claiming he smoked marijuana during a visit to the White House.  *I think it would be more shocking if we found out that Snoop Dogg didn't get high at the White House. (Paul Dudley)

A 27-year-old Illinois woman who stole several dresses from a shop was busted when she posted a picture of herself wearing one of the dresses on Facebook. The judge says lock her up. *Seven years to get-a-life. (Bill Williams)

The Millennial generation is not getting married like other generations before them, says a report from the Urban Institute. And that means only one thing for parents. *Unisex basements. (Bill Williams)

Germany says it will use typewriters to thwart NSA spying. *Now all they have to do is make sure the NSA doesn’t have some sort of contraption to intercept their carrier pigeons.  (Jim Barach)

Some new video games teach kids caring and compassion. *Like in “Grand Theft Auto,” after stealing a car, players show their victims how to fill out the necessary auto insurance claim forms.  (Jim Barach)

Tiger Woods finished 68th in British Open, and netted a $21,750 purse. *Which is just about same as the annual tips the waitresses he dates collect.   (Bob Mills)

Johns-Hopkins hospital will pay damages to ob-gyn patients who were caught on one of their gynecologist’s spy camera. *He was exposed when one patient spotted herself on "Keeping Up With the Kardashians."  (Bob Mills)

“Transformers” at $300 million is the largest U.S. movie grosser in Beijing’s history. *The massive turnout was helped by sweatshop employees who couldn’t wait to see parts of the cast they assembled.  (Bob Mills)

Two of the actresses from "The Facts of Life" re-united for a movie on the Hallmark channel. *Here's a fact: when you do a movie on the Hallmark channel, your career is circling the drain. (Jason Shaw)

A British police force uses Snapchat to solve crimes. *Mixed reviews. So far, 15 burglaries, 12 robberies, and 101 grannies twerking. (Alan Ray)

Johnny Manziel jersey top seller. He’ll be quite a role model. *Little kids like to pretend they’re standing on sidelines with a clipboard. (Alan Ray)

“Hercules” opens. A man with super human strength conquers his 12 labors. *He meets his match when he applies for veteran’s benefits.  (Alan Ray)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 7/23/14              
 
 
It's was recently the 30th anniversary of the National Minimum Drinking Age Act, which raised the drinking age to 21. *Coincidentally it's also the 30th anniversary of the fake ID. (Paul Dudley)

Prince George of England turns one.  He drinks from a bottle, wobbles, and often falls down.  *He’s the spitting image of his Uncle Harry.  (Alan Ray)

MTV has a new reality show featuring virgins over 18.  *Or, as it would be called in the Kardashian household, “science fiction”.  (Alan Ray)

“Lucy” opens in theaters.  A woman has drug in her that allows her to use 100% of her brain.  *She becomes smarter than a man by 100%.  (Alan Ray)

So far, a fire in Washington state fire has wiped out more pot than the ATF torches in a year. *Willie Nelson may lead prayer vigil. (Bob Mills)

The Brits have auctioned a rare "Snow White" billboard for $10,700. No too bad when you break it down. *That works out to about $1500 a Dwarf.  (Bob Mills)

After finishing 68th in the British Open…*Tiger Woods is now to the PGA what Eddie Murphy is to the Hollywood film business. (Bob Mills)

Chinese hackers gained control of the onboard computer on a Tesla Model S. It was duck soup after figuring out Tesla’s master password. *“Stupid Dude Just Paid 80 Grand For A Golf Cart.” (Bill Williams)

FedEx is being charged with shipping drugs illegally for online pharmacies. *Which explains why that guy in their old commercials was always talking so fast. (Jim Barach)

The CDC says that 70% of all firefighters in the U.S. are overweight or obese. *The good news is that several companies will respond to put out a fire immediately if you own a McDonald’s, Krispy Kreme or Marie Callender’s. (Jim Barach)

Amazon has announced an all-you-can-read program that allows customers to download as many books on their Kindle as they want for a monthly fee. *Just think of it as a Hometown Buffet for nerds. (Jim Barach)

The Mars Rover is back in the headlines for discovering something amazing and new. What a surprise. It's a rock. (Jason Shaw)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 7/22/14                
 
A federal judge ruled that California's version of the death penalty is unconstitutional. *Apparently the difference is California's version requires that you spend the rest of your life in Bakersfield. (Paul Dudley)

A federal judge has ruled California's death penalty unconstitutional. And you know what that means. *No one will ever have to marry a Kardashian again. (Bill Williams)

A new online service called "Doctors on Demand" offers patients a 15 minute consultation with a real doctor for $40-$50 depending on your symptoms. *If a biopsy is necessary, they mail you an Xacto knife and FedEx shipping instructions. (Bob Mills)

Still revered in her native Puerto Rico, scientists in San Juan named a new species of water mite after Jennifer Lopez, the "Latarachna lopezae." It's her second, actually. *The "Jenniferus Derrieres" is a species of large-tailed swan. (Bob Mills)

Alan Mullaly, former CEO of the Ford Motor Co. has joined the board of directors at Google. Already, his influence is being felt. *Google's search engine now requires an oil change every 10,000 searches.  (Bob Mills)

St. Louis Rams rookie Michael Sam won the Arthur Ashe Courage Award at the ESPYs on Wednesday. You just can't sing his praises loud enough. *Michael Sam hasn't yet played a down and he already holds the NFL record for most consecutive days without a paternity suit. (Argus Hamilton)

Alex Rodriguez’s ex-lawyer suing him for fees. He’s rich, spoiled narcissist who cheats at his profession. *And A-Rod isn’t saint, either.  (Alan Ray)

“Hercules” opens. Ancient Greeks held up this legendary man with incredible strength as demigod. *Not once did they ask for a blood test. (Alan Ray)

Iran is putting together national baseball team. Some rules reflect cultural traditions. *If you’re caught stealing, they cut off your hands. (Alan Ray)

The U.S. Census claims only 1.6% listed gay as their sexual orientation. *That has to be low, how can so many Pottery Barns do so well?  (Alex Kaseberg)

An analyst says the demise of Radio Shack is “inevitable.” Millions of people were shocked at the news. *Radio Shack is still in business?  (Jim Barach)

Billionaire Carlos Slim is calling for a three day work week. *Which for most people sounds like a good idea as opposed to their current employment of no days a week.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Monday 7/21/14              
 
 
Amazon has unveiled a new service for the Kindle that is like a Netflix for books. You can look at a bunch of different books but you don't have to buy them.  *Or as it used to be called, the public library.  (Paul Dudley)

BMW and Mercedes are working together to develop an electric-car recharging pad. Be afraid. Be very afraid. *The last time these two hooked up there was goose-stepping all over Europe. (Bill Williams)

Prince George turns 1. For birthday party, Mom and Dad chose day in the week when all the family was free. *They had 7 to choose from. (Alan Ray)

Sony has signed a middle school metal band.  *They still sing about Satan and death, but their moms make them be home by 10. (Alan Ray)

The movie Sex Tape is now in theaters. A couple’s sex recording accidentally sent to iCloud. *If they didn’t want anyone to see, they should’ve put it on Google Chrome.  (Alan Ray)

Scientists named a water bug after Jennifer Lopez. *Yeah, they decided to name the bug for her after they got hugely behind in their work.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Termed "strictly precautionary," BMW has recalled a million and a half 2000 to 2006 3-series sedans. *While officials cite a possible air bag malfunction. the real reason is an unexplained tendency in the steering to turn into parking lots of less than five star restaurants.  (Bob Mills)

With California in its worse drought in decades, LA is really cracking down. *Lawns may be sprinkled no more than every other day, the driveway car wash is out, and golfers are now encouraged to urinate in the fairways. (Bob Mills)

What may well be the world’s most expensive wine, a French 1990 Romanee-Conti Burgundy costs $25,000 a bottle. *The corks alone go for a cool $1750 -- and that’s per sniff.  (Bob Mills)

Internet star Grumpy Cat will be featured in a new Lifetime holiday movie called “Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever.”  *The only possible worse holiday scenario would be sitting at home by yourself and watching “Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever.”  (Jim Barach)

Khloe Kardashian’s family is reportedly worried that her boyfriend French Montana is using her for her fame. Sort of like she is using her sister for fame, and her mother is using all of them for fame yet no one knows why any of them are famous.  (Jim Barach)

Floyd Mayweather made $105 Million for just 72 minutes of work last year. *Who does he think he is, some kind of Wall Street CEO?  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Friday 7/18/14                
 
The Orange County Fair in California has started selling bacon-wrapped churros, fried in bacon fat and filled with a half shot of Jack Daniels. *Looks if they’re trying to woo Rob Ford to vacation in California why don‘t they just come out and say so. (Paul Dudley)

Monday was National Nude Day. *Which proved beyond a shadow of a doubt, even Walmart clothes are better than nothing. (Bill Williams) 

The makers of the Airbus airliner have patented a new seat designed to increase passenger capacity. About the size of a bicycle seat with a small backrest, it has no tray table, no headrest and decreased leg room. *Instead of armrests, it’s equipped with thumbscrews that automatically tighten whenever the user complains.  (Bob Mills)

Government officials have vowed to rid France of Roma Gypsies squatting near tony gated communities. There are reports of widespread thievery, fraud, pocket picking and larceny. *And the Gypsies are no angels, either. (Bob Mills)

Eight Iranian social activists were handed harsh prison sentences for using banned Facebook accounts to threaten the government. *They were charged with sedition, espionage, treason and posting irrelevant photos of restaurant food. (Bob Mills)

RJ Reynolds Tobacco will buy competitor Lorillard. The merger will be significant. *Together they will create the world’s largest tumor.  (Alan Ray)

“The Purge: Anarchy” opens in movie theaters. In the future, all crime is legal for 24 hours. *For one day, everyone is a Wall Street CEO. (Alan Ray)

NFL camps open. In the weight room, guys try to out lift each other. *Four hundred pounds, six hundred pounds, the Ravens arrest record.  (Alan Ray)

In Russia a 66-yard-wide deep, scary, crater has suddenly re-emerged. *Which reminds us, Rosie O’Donnell is returning to “The View.”  (Alex Kaseberg)

A report says that hackers are targeting home appliances, even toilets that are run by remote electronic devices. *The worst part is when they try to hack into a toilet only to get an unexpected download.  (Jim Barach)

Dunkin’ Donuts says it is not entering the lunch market, and that its new 600 calorie sandwiches are just snacks. *Mostly because to Dunkin’ Donut customers, 600 calories is about the amount of crumbs they usually leave on the floor.  (Jim Barach)

A study says that marriage boosts men’s life expectancy, but living with someone does not. *Especially when the man is constantly under stress in trying to think of new excuses as to why they don’t need to get married right now.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 7/17/14              
 
 
BlackBerry is unveiling a new voice assistant app. According to the company, the BlackBerry app features a hands-free option which allows people to listen to their e-mails. *It's pretty cool, when you get a call, it tells you the year 2005 is calling. (Mark Wheeler)

An attorney in Missouri recently pled guilty to 4 bank robberies. He faces years among dregs of humanity. *Or he could quit law firm and go to prison. (Alan Ray)

A Disney World monorail stranded passengers Sunday evening. No visitors were injured. *However, as a precaution, they were taken immediately to a gift shop. (Alan Ray) 

A report says prostitution booming in Silicon Valley. What’s the most popular birth control method used by geeks? *The algorithm method. (Alan Ray)

Edward Snowden has officially asked to extend his stay in Russia, mainly because his feelings were hurt by Obama’s latest trade offer. *An unrestored 1976 Pinto, three Pet Rocks, and a star from the Housewives of Orange County who won’t shut up. (Bill Williams) 

Kim Kardashian iPhone game app will pull in $200 million dollars. *Or so the article in “I Am So Depressed I Have to Lie Down” magazine claims. (Alex Kaseberg) 

Comics are killing off Archie and turning Thor into a woman. *“Suddenly the world is a horrible, horrible place,” said my ten-year-old self. (Alex Kaseberg)

On yet another comeback tour, Cher wowed at LA's Staples Center, dazzling the audience with bingles, bangles, beads and peacock feathers, and an array of muscled Nubian backup singers. *At this point, she's pretty much held together with -- well, it is the Staples Center.  (Bob Mills)

Once a leader in the nation's upscale designer cupcake fad, Crumbs Bake Shop is closing 48 stores in 10 states after posting a $3.8 million loss in the first quarter. *Bankruptcy is not an option since auditors determined that the stockholders would be left with nothing but -- well, crumbs. (Bob Mills)

The NFL’s two biggest headaches, the long term effects of brain concussions and player criminal misconduct, just crossed paths. *According to the latest stats, the safest players in the league are the ones doing time. (Bob Mills)

Studies say that treating sleep apnea may lower the risk of heart disease. *Mostly by taking away the stress of being hit in the head all night by their partner who can’t sleep because of their constant snoring. (Jim Barach)

A study says that people are losing patience with apps that don’t work. *They would much rather have more practical apps at their disposal, like one that warns them they are about ready to hit a tree while they are texting behind the wheel.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 7/16/14                
 
A company in the U.K. is making news for developing a new vegetable called Brussels-Kale, which is a hybrid of Brussels sprouts and kale. *Now, Americans can avoid eating Kale and Brussels sprouts in one easy package.  (Paul Dudley)

Researchers find gene in algae that explains how sexes divided. Has both male/female traits. *The scientific name for it is Bruce Jenner. (Alan Ray)

Amazon will test drone delivery. It’ll take close to a year to implement. *The parts to the thing are coming UPS. (Alan Ray)

Germany took home the World Cup. Talk about a nation celebrating. *It was so noisy in Berlin, the CIA could barely hear to eavesdrop. (Alan Ray) 

China has a new hi-speed train system that hits 270 MPH from the airport to downtown Shanghai. *It’s so fast, you’re hungry 15 minutes before you eat! (Bill Williams)

Pamela Anderson is in the news again. You know, gravity hasn’t been kind to the former “Baywatch” star. *Now when she runs, she leaves four dents in the sand. (Bill Williams)

A New York man spent $500,000 to turn basement into a replica of "Star Trek" Enterprise bridge.”  *He can travel at warp speed to endless virginity.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Monday was National Nude Day. *Which makes today Get Your Office Chair Reupholstered day.  (Alex Kaseberg)

The second and third largest tobacco companies are planning to merge. *We wonder: after they do...will they smoke a cigarette?  (Jason Shaw)

Britney Spears actual unprocessed singing voice has leaked out on the internet. *Her singing may be horrific, but it's the biggest hit she's had in years. (Jason Shaw)

When a good Samaritan stopped to aid a stranded motorist on a Santa Fe, New Mexico freeway, he popped the hood and found a live python wrapped around the engine block. *Valuable lesson here: Don’t skip that extended python warranty at purchase. (Bob Mills)

TGI Friday’s now offers all-you-can-eat potato skins, mozzarella sticks and boneless buffalo wings. They are health conscious, though. *You also get free defibrillator paddles and an oxygen mask with the TGI logo. (Bob Mills)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 7/15/14              
 
 
Last week, Donald Sterling told a Los Angeles judge that to keep control of the Clippers, he will sue the NBA until the day he dies. *The NBA responded by asking him if he's ever heard of a  strategy called, running out the clock. (Paul Dudley)

“The Purge: Anarchy” opens.  In a future world, crime is legal for one day.  *For 24 hours, it’s like everyone gets to play in the NFL.  (Alan Ray)

The tour de France continues.  A champion racer has cycling in his blood.  *Or, is that erythropoietin?  (Alan Ray)

Lebron James chose to return to the Cleveland Cavaliers.  His kids are very unhappy.  *By leaving Miami for Cleveland, they’ll have to say goodbye to stuff to do.  (Alan Ray)

Chelsea Clinton was reported to be getting a six hundred thousand dollar salary for her job as a part time correspondent. NBC executives said that it's nothing to get excited about. *They say Chelsea's salary is all part of NBC's program to help children born into poverty.  (Argus Hamilton)    
President Obama was shown on camera in a Denver bar being offered a marijuana joint by a bar customer. The president was wise to turn down the offer. *It would just reinforce the rumors that he's a Muslim if he takes part in the stoning of a government official.  (Argus Hamilton)

Washington pot retailers blamed high prices on Soviet-style laws banning retailers from being growers and limiting state pot acreage. It never works. *Communism's three successes were in health, education and science and its three failures were in breakfast, lunch and dinner.  (Argus Hamilton)

Bitcoin ATMs are sprouting up around the country, especially in Las Vegas where some hookers even accept them. Be careful, though. *If you catch something you have to call India for a cure.  (Bob Mills)

The author of “How to Survive the Bulls of Pamplona,” Bill Hillman, tripped in front of one last week and was spun on its horn. *That spinning you hear now is coming from Ernest Hemingway’s crypt.  (Bob Mills)

“Fargo” corralled a record 18 Emmy nominations. Remarkable when you think about it. *Would you have guessed that Billy Bob Thornton could get even creepier than carrying Angelina Jolie’s blood in a vial around his neck?  (Bob Mills)

Christian Mingle, where God promises to find you a wife. Not such a good idea. *Last I heard He turned water into whiny women. (Bill Williams) 

A study says that people are losing patience with apps that don’t work. *Fortunately, some programmers say they have just developed a new $5 app for that.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Monday 7/14/14                
 
Beer-drinking baseball fans will be able to serve themselves at Minnesota's Target Field. The stadium has just installed the first self-serve beer machines in Major League Baseball. Fans can buy a vending card that is loaded with 20-dollars to use at the machine. *Which at a Major League Baseball game will get you one beer.  (Paul Dudley)

All Star Game is Tuesday in Minneapolis. Fans can expect to see big numbers put on the board. *And that’s just at the concession stand.  (Alan Ray)

Scientists say the rooster population is experiencing fertility problems. Veterinarians cite mating difficulties. *His cock-a won’t doodle.  (Alan Ray)

A man who took a vow of poverty 15 years ago just won $250 million in a Powerball jackpot. *He didn’t take a vow of celibacy, so move over Charlie Sheen!  (Bill Williams)

100 years ago, Babe Ruth made his baseball debut. It was a big day, Larry King threw out the first pitch. (Alex Kaseberg)

LeBron James has made his decision.  Maybe now I can get some sleep instead of worrying about which team would get the honor of making him a billionaire. (Alex Kaseberg)

Jay-Z and Beyonce are going to film an HBO special. I believe the special is called “Go Ahead, Solange, We’ll Take the Next Elevator.”  (Alex Kaseberg)

The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that police need a warrant to search a suspect’s cell phone. The new Miranda Warning now goes “You have the right to remain silent, hit delete…“  (Bob Mills)

The annual Tour de France is underway but some of the competitors have yet to shed the fallout from the Lance Armstrong doping scandal. *A few refuse to carry a bicycle pump because they think the judges might mistake it for a syringe.  (Bob Mills)

Pro golfer Phil Michelson continues to deny charges from a federal investigation that he purchased stock in Clorox Corporation using insider info. *Despite his protests, many fans still strongly suspect a whitewash. (Bob Mills)

A study says that standing up gets employees excited for meetings. *Mostly the ones that know it’s much easier from a standing position to be able to jump out a window. (Jim Barach)

A study says that American teens are fighting less, smoking less and having less sex. *Mostly because if you aren’t having sex there isn’t anything to fight over and nothing to have a cigarette after.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Friday 7/11/14              
 
 
Bill Hillman, author of "How to Survive the Bulls of Pamplona," was gored during the running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain. Reports say the 32-year-old writer from Chicago was gored in the leg after he tripped while running ahead of the bulls.  *It’s not be as ironic as it may seem…technically he did survive the running of the bulls.  (Paul Dudley)

A 2,500 year old temple discovered in Kurdistan. *Signage reveals ideology of era. “Outlaw spears and only outlaws will have spears!”  (Alan Ray)

New Harry Potter short story is out. *He’s 34 years old and still affected by his years at Hogwarts. He hasn’t paid off his student loans. (Alan Ray)

According to the World Health Organization, you share the same birthday with 19 million other people on earth. *About 37% look younger than you, 62% older, and 86% look the same age providing you also share the same plastic surgeon. (Bob Mills)

This week marks the annual “Running of the Bulls” pageant in Pamplona, Spain in which amateurs risk being impaled on a horn and spun around violently until their loins gush blood. No, wait. *That’s a typical Kardashian date. (Bob Mills)

It’s the 300th anniversary of Sir Issac Newton’s “Principia Mathematica.”  *Several days later, his mom pasted a sign on the back of her ox cart reading “My Son is Smarter Than Michelangelo.” (Bob Mills)

The Northeastern Institute of Cannabis in Massachusetts, a college for pot scholars, opens in the fall. *What’s cool about the diploma is you can hang it on the wall, or smoke it. (Bill Williams)

Things are getting weirder and weirder at GM. *The flagship model for 2015 is a Corvair. (Bill Williams)

Experts say that early humans learned to talk by copying birds and monkeys. *Although after hearing Lady Gaga sing, researchers say that some may have also taken their cues from goats, barn owls and hyenas.  (Jim Barach)

A survey says that Americans rate the flying experience as bad as going to the DMV. *The one difference is that when they take your picture at the DMV, at least it shows you with your clothes on.  (Jim Barach)

Privacy experts say that new changes on Facebook open up an “unprecedented” expansion of data collection. *Which is great for anyone who really wants to know what someone has eaten for breakfast every day for the past three years.  (Jim Barach)

Ford has cut its mileage ratings on six vehicles, saying they will give refunds to 200,000 customers who bought them. *Apparently GM has been able to keep much higher fuel estimates because most of the miles put on their cars are powered by tow trucks.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 7/10/14                
 
TGI Fridays says customers can gorge themselves on "endless" appetizers for ten bucks a person. The restaurant chain is hoping to turn its financial fortunes by offering free refills on signature items like loaded potato skins, mozzarella sticks and boneless wings. *TGI Fridays in Colorado should just go ahead and declare bankruptcy now.  (Paul Dudley) 

“Land Ho” opens in movie theaters. Two elderly men wander into bars in Iceland and break things. *Mostly wind. (Alan Ray)

Running of bulls in Pamplona. Big dumb, out of control mammals dashing wildly through the streets. *And there are some bulls out there too. (Alan Ray)

World Cup soccer wraps up this weekend. How is a team in the finals like the Chicago Cubs? *They both try to stop the ball with their feet. (Alan Ray)

A study claims watching too much pornography can cause your brain to shrink. *In a related story, could someone explain that to me? (Alex Kaseberg)

Over 2000 Quiznos sandwich shops have emerged from Chapter 11 bankruptcy after a successful restructuring of its finances. *It also restructured its Pastrami and Swiss, relocating the pickle under the lettuce.  (Bob Mills)

Hormel, the makers of Spam, has purchased Muscle Milk Sports Nutrition Drinks. *The merged companies plan to market a healthier alternative to energy bars called “Wham Spam Thank You Maam.”  (Bob Mills)

Tyler Perry applied for and received a federal trademark on the phrase "What would Jesus do?". *Most likely, Jesus would have tried to copyright the phrase "What would Tyler Perry do?  (Bob Mills)

A Tennessee man living a religious vow of poverty won $259,800,000 in a Powerball Jackpot. He promised to help the needy. *Any woman with a bust size over 44 that needs a Corvette gets one. (Bill Williams)

A report says that condom use is down with teenagers. *Which shows that video games are the most effective form of birth control, because who is going to have sex with an overweight, antisocial couch potato who hasn’t left their parents’ basement in weeks?  (Jim Barach)

A report says that young Russians long for the glory days of the Soviet Union. *Apparently they are upset that they missed out on the experience of driving a Yugo through military checkpoints on the way to get in line and wait five hours for toilet paper.  (Jim Barach)

A study says a high protein diet lowers the risk of having a stroke. *Until the person sees their grocery bill and how much they just paid for their steak dinner.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 7/9/14              
 
 
Americans are continuing to cut the cord when it comes to phones.  A recent survey indicates nearly 40 percent of homes no longer have a landline telephone.  Almost two-thirds of those between 25 and 29-years-old live in homes without a landline.  *In the survey, 100 percent of Kids under 18 said, what's a landline?  (Paul Dudley)

Wildfires burn out of control near Napa, California.  It’s changed the wine country dramatically.  *Most pinot’s are now extremely dry.  (Alan Ray)

Jessica Simpson married Eric Johnson.  She caused a scene when she threw the bouquet.  *“Next time, take them out of the vase.”   (Alan Ray)

The tour de France has begun.  Competitors travel 2,141 miles over 23 days.  *Or, as it’s called at the post office, “standard shipping”.   (Alan Ray)

After polling 32,405 readers, Consumer Reports magazine reports McDonald’s burgers are the worst in the U.S. *Coincidently, Home Builder magazine polled its readers who said Big Macs make a dandy foundation. (Bill Williams)

An Arkansas woman is the oldest living American at 116. *She’s so old, she remembers when Joan Rivers was just plain “Joan Crick.” (Bill Williams)

The new Superman, Henry Cavill, will soon appear in his first Man of Steel film, “Batman vs. Superman.” Already problems now that there are no more phone booths. *Clark Kent has been arrested three times while changing his clothes in public park restrooms.  (Bob Mills)

“The Wild Alaskan,” a new strip club aboard a former Bering Sea crabbing boat, has opened on Alaska’s Kodiak Island. Times have sure changed. *Used to be you could get crabs only from the girls.  (Bob Mills)

Whitney Wolfe, co-founder of Tinder.com, the successful mate matching start up, accuses her two male co-founders of sexual harassment and sending her “sexist, racist, and otherwise inappropriate messages.” *Looks like she should have used Craig’s list to find better co-founders. (Bob Mills)

Singer Marc Anthony has been ordered to double his child support payments to $26,000 a month. Anthony had refused to pay more than $13,000 a month, saying that would “spoil the kids rotten.” Because preteen kids just don’t seem to make good decisions on how to spend anything past that first $150,000 a year.  (Jim Barach)

The National Weather Service is going to replace some of the last human radio forecast announcers still used in Alaska with computerized voices known as Tom and Donna. *Apparently they figured they really didn’t have to have humans involved to say “cold”, “bitterly cold” and “snow.”  (Jim Barach)

A food blogger is pushing beer companies to reveal all their ingredients. Have you ever looked at beer drinkers? *Does it really look like they are concerned about the ingredients that go into anything they take into their system?  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 7/8/14                
 
Americans are drinking less beer than they did in past years. The latest Beer Marketer's Insights poll finds that overall beer consumption is down slightly. The average person of legal age is drinking just over 27 gallons of beer per year.  Twenty seven gallons a year?  *That’s what Charlie Sheen calls the start of a good weekend.  (Paul Dudley)

The tour de France has begun. Competitors from around the globe will be tested early. *“Here monsieur, pee in le cup.”  (Alan Ray)

A big trade between A’s and Cubs. Details are now known. The A’s get 2 postseason caliber pitchers. *The Cubs get 2 players to be miscast later.  (Alan Ray)

I just played the new Kim Kardashian video game. *Now my joystick hurts when I pee.  (Alex Kaseberg)

This week starts Pamplona’s Running of the Bulls. *Or as the bulls call it: the goring of the drunken idiots. (Alex Kaseberg)

Honey Boo Boo’s parents got married. *It was very romantic, the couple misspelled their own vows.  (Alex Kaseberg)

An application to trademark the phrase “World’s Most Trusted Airline” filed by DELTA has been rejected as “not inherently distinctive.” *More distinctive and accurate would be “World’s Most Likely to Charge Extra For the Cost of This Trademark Airline.”  (Bob Mills)

The debut of the Apple Smartwatch caused Samsung to rush the release of their watch. *They’re playing against high-tech with a back to basics wrist chronometer -- a sun dial with a sweep second shadow. (Bob Mills)

Scientists now believe that certain species of dinosaurs developed feathers for camouflage before they learned they could use them to fly. *But once they did, humans like Fred and Wilma Flintstone used them to commute. (Bob Mills)

The Supreme Court ruled cops must get a warrant before they can go through a suspect's smartphone. Cops could be looking through your phone list of lovers, nude photos of lovers and ex-lovers and even sex videos. *In Los Angeles that's all considered the property of YouTube. (Argus Hamilton)

Iraq was aided by Syrian attacks on Sunni insurgents and by Iran who rushed supplies to Baghdad. Iraqi morale is very low. *Iraq's dream of winning the World Cup ended during the first match of the qualifying round when the team threw off their uniforms and fled. (Argus Hamilton)

Matt Lauer has signed a contract extension to stay on “Today.”  *Although their numbers have slipped so much in the battle for early ratings that morning viewers are asking “Who in the world is Matt Lauer?”  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Monday 7/7/14              
 
 
A sign outside The First Inn off of U.S. 160 in Colorado proudly proclaims the motel is "420 Friendly." The owners tell the "Denver Post" it applies to some of the rooms where people are allowed to smoke pot. *It’s the only motel where the guests check in and immediately check out.  (Mark Wheeler)

It’s good to know America’s still got it. *Hurricane Arthur got scared and ran away. (Bill Williams) 

Kraft had to recall 260 cases of Velveeta because a preservative as omitted from the formula. This is only the second recall in the product’s history. *The FDA ordered the first one when an inspector found traces of -- well, Velveeta.  (Bob Mills)

Congress has authorized the naming of the Van Nuys Post Office for Marilyn Monroe. *Already, the postal workers there are honoring the actress by sleeping ‘til noon and arriving at work when they feel “motivated.”  (Bob Mills)

For the first time in its history, Southern Methodist University will sell wine and beer in the stands during home games. Problems already. During the first game, most guzzlers had to order beer after the wine suddenly turned into water.  (Bob Mills)

Actor Gary Busey has turned the big 7-0. He’ll star in an upcoming season of the Biggest Loser. *It will focus on his marbles. (Alan Ray)

World Cup screaming and writhing after each slight foul is amazing. *I don’t want to be anywhere near these guys when they get a tattoo.

Kim Jung Un threatened to attack L.A. over the movie comedy The Interview about killing North Korea's leader. A CIA profile says that Kim snorts coke, drinks cognac, sleeps with teenage girls and loves the NBA. *You'd think he'd spare Los Angeles out of professional courtesy.  (Argus Hamilton)

Domino's Pizza's plans to deliver pizzas to your doorstep by drone aircraft was shelved by the FAA ruling against the commercial use of drones. *It was the danger factor. No one wants to see something that kills innocent civilians being delivered by a drone aircraft.  (Argus Hamilton)

Airlines are getting more complaints about what passengers claim are arbitrary rules for carry on baggage. *Just like how they are arbitrary with at which destination your checked in luggage will arrive.  (Jim Barach)

Phil Mickelson’s lawyer says the golfer didn’t trade for any Clorox stock as was alleged in an insider trading investigation. *That means the biggest embarrassment for the PGA Tour with bleach is still all the golfers who show up on Sunday wearing white pants.  (Jim Barach)

A study says that low levels of Vitamin D are linked to an early death. *Which means we could increase our life expectancy by years if we would just start injecting supplements into soft drinks, beer and fast food.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Friday 7/4/14                
 
Researchers now say that moderate drinking can be good for your heart. Two new studies link low-to-moderate alcohol consumption to the reduced risk of a heart attack. Scientists still caution against heavy drinking, which they define as more than four or five drinks a day.  *Or as Lindsay Lohan calls it, breakfast.  (Paul Dudley)

Legalized marijuana is now 6 months old in Colorado. The effects are hard to discern. *Most people involved with the product won’t stop giggling. (Alan Ray)

The Who is on a 50th anniversary tour. You can tell they’ve aged. *They still sing “Magic Bus”, but now they’re referring to Gray Line Tours.  (Alan Ray)

Soccer team Barcelona plans to bid on Luis Suarez. He already knows their players pretty well. *They taste like chicken.  (Alan Ray)

Germany faces France in the World Cup. The French will not surrender. *Whoa, whoa, there’s a first time for every thing. (Alan Ray)

Queen Elizabeth toured the Belfast studio where “Game of Thrones” is shot. *Meanwhile, heir-to-the-real throne, Prince Charles, was secretly checking out devices used on the series to bump off monarchs. (Bob Mills)

Hourly employees at IKEA now make $10.76 per hour instead of $9.17. *And it gets even better -- that's plus all the Swedish meatballs they can eat.  (Bob Mills)

Astronomers have detected a signal coming from the Persues Galaxies, 240 million light years away. Since sound travels slower, it had to be sent even before that. *And you think the cable company keeps you on hold.  (Bob Mills)

It was a great World Cup for the United States team. *Now U.S. sports fans can go back to what we’re really good at: ignoring the hell out of soccer.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Oreo released a new flavor, Limeade. Not to be confused with Cool Aid. *A concert for those too cool to eat Oreos. (Bill Williams)

Tiger Woods returned to the PGA Tour from his back injury last week. The U.S. Open and Masters suffered their lowest ratings ever without him. *A golf tournament is more fun to watch with Tiger in it like politics is more fun with Bill Clinton in it, and for the same reason.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Cleveland Indians were sued by Native American groups for nine billion dollars over the team's name Tuesday. The native groups say the name is culturally derisive and turns proud Native Americans into a punchline. They want the team to be called the Lake Erie Indians. (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 7/3/14              
 
 
The grandson of famed oceanographer Jacques Cousteau broke an underwater record. Fabien Cousteau emerged from the waters off the Florida Keys yesterday after spending 31 days inside an underwater habitat. *Big deal, my entire house have been underwater since 2008. (Paul Dudley)

NBC will air a Miley Cyrus concert over 4th weekend. Her singing is somewhat patriotic. *Just like fireworks, people will cover their ears. (Alan Ray)

Khloe Kardashian and rapper French Montana are dating. As a single mom, it’s all about family. *She wants a man who’s good with money. (Alan Ray)

Earth to Echo opens. A story about kids who discover aliens while playing outdoors is a bit far fetched. *Really, kids playing outdoors? (Alan Ray)

Petrified samples taken from a well-preserved Neanderthal indicates early man survived a of diet of meat, vegetables, nuts and berries. Had to work at it, though. *An apparent favorite was buffalo wings -- from real buffaloes.  (Bob Mills)

Medical researchers have cured bowel infections by introducing feces from a healthy person to replace missing bacteria. *Which means that stuff your boss has been giving you all these years may have been good for you. (Bob Mills)

Colombia’s Faryd Mondragon at age 43 is the oldest competitor for the World Cup. *Or as Uruguay’s Luis Suarez calls him the "Early Bird Menu.” (Bob Mills)

T-Mobile US was accused  of adding bogus text-message charges worth hundreds of millions of dollars on customers' bills. *So now, we know what they mean by unlimited texting. (Mike Pritchett)

Paris Hilton was spotted out and about around L.A. wearing a leather dominatrix-style outfit. *For you Gen Y’ers who’ve never heard of her, think prehistoric Kardashian. (Bill Williams)

Sister Blandina Segale, a nun in 1877 Santa Fe is up for sainthood. She helped open schools and hospitals in wild west New Mexico, and once even challenged Billy the Kid to a gun fight. *Course then he was called Little Willy the Toddler. (Bill Williams)  

Kim Jung Un threatened a missile attack on L.A. over the Seth Rogan movie, The Interview, about assassinating Kim. That's so ignorant. *You don't just send missiles to L.A., once they get to L.A. they've got to get head shots and an agent or they're not going anywhere in that town.  (Argus Hamilton)

Uruguay's Luis Suarez was cited by FIFA for biting an Italian player during a World Cup game. It was not the first time. *The last time a South American soccer player bit into another soccer player was three days after the team plane crashed in the Andes Mountains.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 7/2/14                
 
A new survey from meat producer Applegate shows that 92-percent of U.S. residents buy hot dogs. About 80-percent consider it "important" that the animals used in hot dog production are not fed hormones or antibiotics. *Come on…if the first 2 ingredients on the package aren’t hormones and antibiotics they’re not really hot dogs.  (Paul Dudley)

Kim Kardashian is house hunting in New York City. She found a place that reminded her of Bruce Jenner. *It’s had a lot of work done to it.  (Alan Ray)

Uruguay lost to Colombia in World Cup w/o Luis Suarez. Problem was motivation. *Unlike previously, they didn’t have any skin in the game.  (Alan Ray)

The Netherlands upset Mexico in the World Cup. Afterward, people in Amsterdam smoked dope and bought hookers. *In other words, they went about their business.   (Alan Ray)

Listening to sports dorks talking about baseball trades…*is like listening to super models talking about burgers and pizza.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Whole Foods has been fined $800,000 for charging customers by the pound for salads and including the plastic container. *Which doesn't seem like much when you're paying $93 for a free range, organically grown, hydroponically irrigated, pesticide-free Caesar that Caesar himself couldn't have afforded.  (Bob Mills)

Pope Francis has declared war on the Mafia by excommunicating all “made gumbas.”  *In addition, he urged Catholics worldwide to boycott “The Godfather,” “Goodfellas,” and anything with Joe Pesci in it.

Eminem's daughter graduated high school. And the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. *She graduated “Magna Cum Pissed!” (Bill Williams)

Google announced that in September, it will be shutting down social media site Orkut. *People worldwide are pretending they knew what the site was. (Mike Pritchett)

Actor, Shia LaBeouf, has checked into rehab after he was arrested at a Broadway show last week. *Or, in other words...he is Mayor Rob Fording. (Mike Pritchett)

The FCC is launching a probe into why U.S. consumers often suffer slow Internet connections. *The main solution recommended for most people is to just try to open one porn site on your computer at a time.  (Jim Barach)

Airlines are getting more complaints about what passengers claim are arbitrary rules for carry on baggage. *At least the airlines are consistent with their arbitrary policies for ticket prices, flight delays and cancellations.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 7/1/14              
 
 
Nearly half of all Americans say they can't last a day without their smartphones. *Of the one-thousand people surveyed by Bank of America, a whopping 91-percent said their smartphones were very important. *The other 9 percent couldn‘t be reached for a comment because they were on their smartphones.  (Paul Dudley)

Paul McCartney is back on tour after an illness. You can tell the ex-Beatle has aged by some of his songs. *“Ebony and IBS.” (Alan Ray)

Donald Trump was roasted at Comedy Central. He turned out well done. *That dead thing on his head, medium rare. (Bill Williams)

A New York man walked into McDonald’s with a knife in his back. The manager asked him to leave. *At McDonald’s you can’t carve your own meat. (Bill Williams)

Not sure all US sports fans get the World Cup.  *I heard one say the three best teams were Netherlands, Holland and that really good Dutch team. (Alex Kaseberg)

Following their longtime YouTube ban, the Beijing government has blocked web access to Google Books, Google Scholar, and GMail. *The Chinese authorities deny that the restrictions are designed to cripple Google so that their new search engine GooGooGuyPan can catch on with users. (Bob Mills)

Construction of the world’s largest telescope, E-ELT, has begun on a mountaintop in Chile. *When completed in 2024, astronomers are confident they’ll be able to count the Starbucks the Chinese will have built there by then. (Bob Mills)

The long-awaited Apple Smartwatch, which will measure the wearer’s health statistics, will be released soon. *Not only will it be able to diagnose diseases, it will come with an optional second opinion pocket watch. (Bob Mills)

Planet of the Apes' Gary Oldman ripped political correctness in Hollywood to Playboy. He defended Mel Gibson's and Alec Baldwin's anti-Semitic, anti-gay rants as human nature. *As retirement speeches go, Lou Gehrig's was more moving but Gary Oldman died faster afterwards. (Argus Hamilton)

Twentieth Century-Fox reported huge advance ticket sales for Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, opening on the Fourth of July weekend. It's a fantasy. *In the movie, the apes take over everything, and in a week the U.S. border is secure and the health care website is up and running. (Argus Hamilton)

The NTSB blamed Asiana Airlines' Hong Kong-SFO flight's crash landing last July on the computerized auto-throttle. That's our government. *First they tell us that Lois Lerner lost her e-mails, now they're trying to tell us that a planeload of Asians can't solve a computer problem. (Argus Hamilton)

Kim Jong-un has threatened the US over a new movie that plots to kill him starring Seth Rogan. *Strategists believe the threat would have been made sooner if the leader had seen his performance in the Green Hornet. (Mike Pritchett)

The Funny Firm - Monday 6/30/14                
 
That player from Uruguay, Luis Suarez, who bit the Italian soccer player, has been suspended and will not be able to participate in any soccer-related events for four months.  *Which isn’t really all that bad…in just a few days, Americans won’t be participating in any soccer related events for another four years.  (Paul Dudley)

FIFA barred soccer player Luis Suarez for 9 matches. What a mistake. *He realizes now he bit off more than he can chew.  (Alan Ray)

Transformers 4 is now in theaters. Along special effects and gratuitous violence, there’s an underlying message. *“Transformers 5” will be out in 2016. (Alan Ray)

Match.com is offering special membership perks to brainiac Mensa members. *You get free WiFi, free coffee, and free gas for your Bunsen burner. (Bill Williams)

Ikea is raising the minimum wage in all U.S. stores. The new wage is over ten bucks an hour. *Paid in pennies which, with simple instructions and a long weekend at home, can be easily assembled into dollars. (Bill Williams)

Porn sites are reporting traffic is way down during the World Cup. *Well sure, soccer fans can’t use their hands. (Alex Kaseberg)

Kim Kardashian is now a blonde. *Yes, believe it or not, Kim Kardashian found a way to make herself even stupider. (Alex Kaseberg)

A New Yorker last week walked into a McDonalds with a kitchen knife in his back. *He said he would take a stab at the Happy Meal. (Alex Kaseberg)

The U.S. Treasury Department announced record tax receipts for the month of May included in a six-month total of one trillion eight hundred million dollars from November through May. *This is a new record. America hasn't been attacked by this many zeros since Pearl Harbor. (Argus Hamilton)

Southern Methodist University will sell beer and wine at all football games this fall. It's the first school in the Bible Belt to sell alcohol at games. *Methodists have been practicing for the first game all their lives by drinking Welch's grape juice out of a shot glass at communion.  (Argus Hamilton)

The FAA announced it will not allow Amazon to send airborne drones to deliver packages of less than five pounds to your front door. The drones would fly to your door, drop off your package, then fly off. *It was all part of an orchestrated attempt to drive your dog crazy.  (Argus Hamilton)

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un is telling government weather forecasters to be more accurate. *The problem is that everyone is afraid to tell the tyrant that it isn’t the weather that is to blame on all his bad hair days.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Friday 6/27/14              
 
 
Harley Davidson rolled out its newest model. It’s electric, and can go from zero to 60 in less than four seconds and. Instead of the classic rumble, the new Harley puts out what's been described as a "high-pitched whir."  *It’s the same noise you’ll make if a real Harley rider catches you riding one.  (Paul Dudley)

A musical about Bill and Hillary Clinton will debut this summer. The play’s structure resembles their marriage. *It’s just one big act.  (Alan Ray)

Uruguay’s Luis Suarez bit an Italian player in the World Cup. In his mind, there are only 2 kinds of opponents. *Original or extra crispy.  (Alan Ray)

Lebron James is going to be a free agent. Miami teammates are responding to news the way they did Spurs in the finals. *They haven’t tried to stop him.  (Alan Ray)

This World Cup fever has gone too far. Last night I was just ready to score when my wife showed a red card and ejected me from the game. *”Unnatural positioning of hand during cuddling.” (Bill Williams)

Finnair added a unisex sauna to its new lounge in the Helsinki Airport. Big deal. We’ve had that here in America for years. *It’s called, “waiting on the tarmac.” (Bill Williams)

PBS will produce a docu-bio on Carroll Spinney, the creator and operator of BIG BIRD. *The program will trace Spinney’s 50 years traveling the world inside the feathered one and will conclude with a Lifetime Achievement Award from the National Poultry Association.  (Bob Mills)

Yet again, Starbucks is jacking up the cost of their Grande and Venti by as much as 20 cents. *The company cited rising bean prices, transportation costs, and good old-fashioned greed.  (Bob Mills)

Chicago’s Robert Morris University now offers a lucrative scholarship to qualified gamers. *The financial aid includes cost of supplies such as plastic pocket protectors, suspenders and eyeglasses held together with Scotch tape. (Bob Mills)

The U.S. soccer team lost to Germany in the World Cup Thursday but will advance to the next round. They have a rich tradition of World Cup victories. *If history is any guide. the only way to defeat Germany's soccer team is to retreat to your own goal and wait for winter to set in. (Argus Hamilton)

Cosmo released a sex poll of its readers which found that nine out of ten women said they will sometimes fake an orgasm for the sake of the relationship. It all evens out. *In the same poll, nine out of ten men said they will sometimes fake a relationship for the sake of the orgasm.  (Argus Hamilton)

The World Cup called for public etiquette in international cities filled with soccer fans of all nations. For instance, London police ordered English fans not to wear England jerseys in pubs to avoid offending Muslims. *It only begged the question, what's a Muslim doing in a pub?  (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 6/26/14                
 
Kraft is recalling 260 cases of Velveeta cheese because some packages do not contain enough of a preservative ingredient.  *The makers of Velveeta say it could reduce the shelf life from 50 years to 40 years.  (Paul Dudley)

Uruguay’s Luis Suarez bit an Italian opponent at the World Cup.  *After the game, a teammate asked Suarez if he wanted to go to dinner, Suarez said; "No, I just had a bite of Italian."  (Alex Kaseberg)

A Florida mother of two has been arrested for branding her kids. Ladies and gentlemen, enough is enough. A sports stadium is one thing. *But Yahoo Bobby and Google Jenny is going too far. (Bill Williams)

The "Hypnotist Bandit” is robbing banks all over Southern California. *Not only do the tellers hand over all the cash, he gets them to bark like a dog. (Bill Williams)

Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson will marry over the 4th of July weekend. *She has written her own vows. “A, E, I, O, and I think U.”  (Alan Ray)

The World Cup continues in Brazil. Russia’s team faces elimination today. *Vladimir Putin will be in their locker room. (Alan Ray)

Eleven year old 6th grader Luci Li, the youngest Women’s Open competitor at Pinehurst, North Carolina , set another record as well. *She’s the first player to keep her divots for Show ‘n’ Tell.  (Bob Mills)

Stanley March has passed on. He was the artist who gained fame by burying rows of cars grill down in the Texas desert. *To see anything similar out west, you have to visit Lindsay Lohan’s  front yard. (Bob Mills)

Harley-Davidson has introduced an electric hog that's almost silent. *But for those who need to hear something, it comes with playing cards you attach to the spokes with a clothespin. (Bob Mills)

Toronto mayor Rob Ford made it back to Canada after he spent eight weeks in the United States at an alcohol and drug rehab. *The mayor's return went off without a hitch at the border. President Obama traded him to Canada in exchange for five suspicious Muslims.  (Argus Hamilton)

Hollywood star Keira Knightly kicked off the World Cup telecast in London last week with an appeal for African children's aid. Her TV commercial pitch was a stunning success. *The children of Africa have kicked in what they had and she's finally getting the nutrition she needs.  (Argus Hamilton)

A Detroit area library was shut down for an infestation of bedbugs. *Remember when the only insects you would find in a library were bookworms?  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 6/25/14              
 
 
Rob Ford is running for re-election in Toronto. He's got a new campaign slogan. *Coke and change. (Paul Dudley)

Gas prices are on the rise again.  Customers will notice the changes at the pump.  *The cap ain’t the only thing getting screwed.  (Alan Ray)

New season of “True Blood” has begun.  Vampires sucking life out of mortals.  *Jacoby and Meyers calls it “the feel good series of the year”.  (Alan Ray)

The NBA draft takes place tomorrow.  A rookie out of college will discover a different type of game in the pros.  *There’s a much higher level of marijuana. (Alan Ray)

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is in the news again. This time he says someone stole his voter list. *Which wouldn’t be so bad, but it was also his dealers list. (Bill Williams)

Jay Leno was named this year's honoree of the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor in Washington. He's a great stand-up, he took a pay cut to help NBC, his ratings stayed on top and they canned him. *California doesn't need the death penalty, it has the sixty-fourth birthday.  (Argus Hamilton)

Oil and Gas Journal reported on the continuing drilling boom last week with North Dakota now producing a million barrels of oil per day. This is causing some major changes in U.S. foreign policy. *North Dakota can now invade South Dakota without any fear of U.S. intervention. (Argus Hamilton)

China's airline school hired martial arts masters to teach kung-fu and karate to Chinese flight attendants to deal with drunk or unruly passengers on flights. We may do it too. *U.S. airlines already copied one idea of Communist China's by making everybody go without food.  (Argus Hamilton)

Dressed in pink dungarees, Britain’s future King Prince Edward took his first unsteady, slightly wobbly steps, struggling to maintain his balance as he swayed from side to side. *Not to be confused with uncle Harry after a night of pub crawling. (Bob Mills)

Spaniards worldwide were in shock after their World Cup team was eliminated from the competition. *Team members now face the traditional discipline imposed for centuries -- they must run with the bulls -- in the opposite direction.  (Bob Mills)

Amazon has launched a music streaming service they have high hopes for, despite a few drawbacks. *Like, every time you order songs, they deliver them one-by-one to your house by drone.  (Bob Mills)

Archaeologists have found a 1,000 year old artifact at an airport in Illinois. *Apparently the researcher made the discovery after being handed a bag of peanuts on a Southwest Airlines flight. (Bob Mills)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 6/24/14                
 
The summer solstice is here. Saturday was the longest day of the year and was the official first day of summer.  What is the second longest day of the year?"  *Thanksgiving with your in-laws. (Paul Dudley)

The National Research Council reports that the FAA often allows flight controllers to work five shifts in 24 hours with little or no sleep. Not to worry, though. *The party noise in the cockpits usually prevents them from nodding off. (Bob Mills)

Priceline has purchased OpenTable, Inc. and will now provide restaurant reservations as well as travel arrangements. Great. *Now we have to put up with Captain Kirk pestering us while we’re eating, too.

Philadelphia’s new Museum of the American Revolution will house George Washington’s official silk flag flown on his carriage whenever he traveled. *It depicts thirteen stars on a field of 32 wooden teeth.

A drug mule was busted by Customs at New Jersey airport carrying cookies with cocaine baked inside. So what does this mean? *Look for a Chris Christie/Rob Ford ticked in 2016. (Bill Williams)

A judge dismissed copyright suit against Lady Gaga. She’s ready to put this behind her. *She can now focus on channeling Madonna. (Alan Ray)

“Transformers: Age of Extinction” opens soon. Big machines go totally out of control. *The technical advisors on the film work for GM. (Alan Ray)

The World Cup continues. How are players in the sport of soccer different from members of Congress? *They often use their heads. (Alan Ray)

A US citizen in Germany had to have 22 firefighters free him from a giant vagina statue. For the love of god, Justin Bieber, get some help.  (Alex Kaseberg)

The White House refused to take sides in Iraq's civil war as government troops fell back again. The next day the advance on Baghdad miraculously halted. *It turns out all those abandoned U.S. military vehicles used by al-Qaeda rebels were made by General Motors. (Argus Hamilton)

Spain's defending champion World Cup team was eliminated after quick losses to Chile and Holland. Two months ago Spain's coach ordered them to go without sex during training and the games. *That explains the wild team celebration on the field after they were eliminated.  (Argus Hamilton)

An Australian couple who were planning on honeymooning at the World Cup were accidentally sent by their travel agent to El Salvador. *Anyone taking their bride to watch soccer after getting married is going to be spending the honeymoon not getting to use their hands anyway.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Monday 6/23/14              
 
 
Match.com is charging $5,000 to set you up with someone who looks like your ex. There's a catch. *They charge another 5000 dollars to find someone who doesn't act like your ex. (Paul Dudley)

There is a new video game based on Kim Kardashian. *It’s called; “Call of Booty.”  (Alex Kaseberg)

*It is the first video game where, when you play it, they recommend you wear a condom. (Alex Kaseberg)

Spain has come under harsh criticism following their weak World Cup loses. In short, the reign of Spain ended mainly with disdain. (Alex Kaseberg)

Donald Trump Jr. and his wife welcomed a new baby into their life. Now here’s the interesting thing about genetics. *This is their fifth kid, and not one was born with a dead squirrel on their head. (Bill Williams)

According to the Gallup Well-Being Index, Mississippi is the fattest state in the union with over 35 percent obese. *The state is so fat the AMA is calling it, “Nevermissasip.” (Bill Williams)

Paul McCartney is 72. You can tell he’s aged by his music. *He still has that “Band on the Run”, but now they’re searching for a rest room. (Alan Ray)

World Cup continues. *All around the arena, there are signs reminding everyone of defending champion Spain. And the signs say “Exit”. (Alan Ray)

Celine Dion’s husband has retired from being her manager. It’s for health reasons. *It hurts every time he listens to Celine Dion.  (Alan Ray)

A tech-savvy Catholic priest in Paris is luring teens to mass by offering to bless their I-Phones. *Even more impressive, he claims he can turn bread and wine into the body and blood of Steve Jobs. (Bob Mills)

Four New York City strippers are charged with stealing credit cards from customers. *Serves the guys right for equipping their cards with Velcro so they’d stick to a G-string. (Bob Mills)

Monica Lewinsky will give her first TV interview since her book was published on the National Geographic Channel. Why National Geo? *Well, it’s her favorite channel and she begged them on bended knee. (Bob Mills)

The Funny Firm - Friday 6/20/14                
 
Google has introduced a new smartphone alarm that will wake users up on the subway so they don't miss their stop.  *Which is much better than waking up to the sound of someone taking a leak.  (Paul Dudley)

Eighty-one year old Willie Nelson, released his new album “Band Of Brothers.” *On it Willie plays guitar, drums, keyboard and Life Alert. (Bill Williams)

Kim Kardashian shared a sneak peek of her soon to be released video game. *It is similar to the game of Life...but fake. (Mike Pritchett)

*The object of the game is to get really rich, by doing nothing. (Mike Pritchett)

Johnny Manziel has come to contract terms with Cleveland Browns. It’ll include a 6 figure bonus. *Or, as he likes to call it, bail money.  (Alan Ray)

Correction officials at Lovelock, Nevada’s infamous state prison deny that their only celebrity resident, O.J. Simpson gets special treatment. Well, maybe a little. *In the exercise yard, he’s the only con allowed to jump over luggage.  (Bob Mills)

Petco commissioned a study that found “Max” and “Jake” are the most common names for male dogs. *For females, “Lady” and “GaGa” top the list. (Bob Mills)

President Obama underwent his annual physical and was declared in perfect health by his medical team. *Blood pressure 120 over 80, cholesterol 213, body fat 38% -- oops, sorry -- that’s his approval rating. (Bob Mills)

Whole Foods now offers cocktails to their shoppers. *Selections include Margaritas made with ice from natural spring water and tequila from free range cactus and bloody Marys made with crushed organic tomatoes and garnished with hydroponically grown celery stalks.  (Bob Mills)

“Jeopardy!” host Alex Trebek has set the world’s record for appearing on 6,829 episodes of the game show. *He would have been honored sooner but penalized the people at Guinness for not phrasing his award in the form of a question.  (Jim Barach)

GM is recalling another 3.2 Million cars made from 2000-2014 for faulty ignition switches. Auto industry experts were shocked. *There are still 3.2 Million GM cars made in the past 14 years that are still on the road?  (Jim Barach)

A study is linking drug use with brain differences in teens. *The only question is figuring out which bizarre behaviors in teens are from drug use and which are from just being a teenager?  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 6/19/14              
 
 
Congratulations to the U.S. soccer team for beating Ghana in the opening round of the World Cup.  *Don’t get too excited though…back in Ghana the national team goes by their official name…the Washington Generals.  (Paul Dudley)

Amazon has launched a music streaming service. *Some channels it’s promoting aren’t all that enticing. “Nickelback: A Retrospective”.  (Alan Ray)

Fan voting continues for MLB All Star Game.  Most participants get $25,000 bonus for this contest.  *Those beer vendors make a ton of money.  (Alan Ray)

A Russian World Cup loss would be bitter pill to swallow for that team.  *Literally, Vladimir Putin would give them a bitter pill to swallow.  (Alan Ray)

The Sunni terrorists overrunning Iraq have captured U.S. equipment given to the toppled Iraqi government. The laughs on them, though. *The Humvees were made by GM and have defective starters that can prevent the air bags from deploying. (Bob Mills)

World Cup fever is showing up everywhere. *Visitors at Buckingham Palace can now view the changing of the soccer ball, and cabbies in France are insult new arrivals by kicking their luggage into the trunk.  (Bob Mills)

A study by the Center for Health Statistics found that married men are generally healthier that men who just cohabit with their girlfriend. *Unless, of course, the wife finds out and then sudden health hazards are likely to arise.  (Bob Mills)

An Ohio man was arrested for having sex in public with a plastic pool float. *Let’s hope these are not inflated charges. (Alex Kaseberg)

A Florida, a couple is accused of making meth in a public library. *They made it in the “How to cook Meth” section.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Pete Rose will take over as the manager of a minor league baseball team in Connecticut for one day. *Or as that used to be called in the majors, working for George Steinbrenner.  (Jim Barach)

A 10 year old North Carolina boy was hospitalized after nearly hanging himself accidentally on a basketball net. *The good news is that he still didn’t choke as badly on the court as the Heat did against San Antonio.  (Jim Barach)

Hackers stole data for 600,000 Dominos Pizza customers. *They got away with it by cleaning out their accounts in less than 30 minutes.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 6/18/14                
 
A man in Virginia Beach has started protesting road conditions while dressed as Spider-Man on his days off.  *This guy has a lot of free time, for one thing we know he doesn’t go out on dates. (Paul Dudley)

A study of Google’s new driver less car recommends that more testing be done before marketing it. *Seems everything works okay except the built-in Lindsay Lohan avoidance mechanism. (Bob Mills)

Hackers have compromised customers’ credit records at P. F. Chang’s. They discovered an ingenious way to sneak in. *They hid in that big Trojan Horse standing by the entrance. (Bob Mills)

On his first day as the New York Nicks coach, Derek Fisher studied the team’s playbook. Which is a bit of a misnomer -- there are no plays in it, just diagrams of the best way to get to the parking lot without being attacked by the fans.  (Bob Mills)

This was Kanye West’s first Father’s Day as a father and his little girl North got him a tie. Typical Kardashian influence though. *As soon as he put it on he had an uncontrollable urge to get his eyebrows waxed, hair streaked, and some collagen in his lips. (Bill Williams)

Danica Patrick may move to Formula One in 2016 when her boss Haas Racing enters a team. F1 really wants a girl driver. *They want a girl driver so bad, they’ll even take one who drives like a girl. (Bill Williams)

22 Jump Street” out. Cops go undercover in college to expose a crime. *The football team earns millions and players don’t get jack. (Alan Ray)

The World Cup is under way in Brazil. The mission of these games is to promote three things. *Peace, understanding, and Coca-Cola. (Alan Ray)

The NBA draft is June 26. The seats at the Barclay Center selection site are like the Miami Heat. *They fold easily.  (Alan Ray)

A report says that half of all followers of politicians on Twitter are fake. *Although still none of them are as fake as the politicians they are following.  (Jim Barach)

A 450 pound Florida man was arrested hiding drugs in the rolls of his fat. *Unfortunately the police officers who made the discovery found out why it’s called “crack.”  (Jim Barach)

Starbucks is offering a free college education to its employees. *Who are all grateful for the chance to get the education they need to get a better job than working at Starbucks.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 6/17/14              
 
 
According to a new study, the number of car crashes linked to marijuana use has risen.  *Experts say if the trend continues, it'll be almost impossible to locate and buy a used Volkswagen Bus.  (Paul Dudley)

Matt Lauer has signed contract extension with “The Today Show”.  Where does the popular TV anchor go when he wants to avoid being seen? *MSNBC. (Alan Ray)

World Cup soccer continues. Mexico’s players forbidden from sex. The married men on the roster question the rule. *“What is sex?”  (Alan Ray)

The LA Kings are champions of the NHL. Players held that giant Stanley Cup high in the air. *Or, as David Cassidy calls it, a shot glass.  (Alan Ray)

A tribe of the Taliban is on Twitter and so is the IRS. *One is a group of cold-blooded mercenaries and the other is the Taliban. (Alex Kaseberg)

It is not looking good for the World Cup matches in Brazil. *Upon entering the stadiums, spectators are handed paint brushes and hammers.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Twenty thousand fans have gathered for the annual Gothic and Dark Wave Festival in Leipzig, Germany. *High point this year will be the appearance of Ozzy Osbourne who’s scheduled to fly in and bite the head off a vampire bat. (Bob Mills)

United Airlines is ranked first in cashing in frequent flier miles. *It’s their bonus program. Passengers get extra miles every time they withdraw a formal complaint they’ve filed with the FAA. (Bob Mills)

Kourtney Kardashian has confirmed that she is with child but told reporters she hasn’t found out what it is yet. *Judging from the looks of its step-grandfather, it could be just about anything. (Bob Mills)

Sony has developed a cassette tape that holds 47 Million songs. *Although most people will only be interested in it if the tape deck it plays on has auto reverse so they don’t have to keep flipping it over after every 23 Million songs.  (Jim Barach)

Gwyneth Paltrow went off the deep end again, telling an interviewer she believes that water has feelings. She said negative words disturb water. *Gwyneth's thinking process reminds everyone that if one door closes and another one opens, you may be in a haunted house. (Argus Hamilton)

California lawmakers passed a bill requiring college students to stop in the middle of lovemaking and give each other verbal or written permission for sex if they happen to be on campus. It's likely a liability issue. *From now on if there's any dispute over whether a sex act is consensual between L.A. college kids the permission is right there in writing or on YouTube.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Monday 6/16/14                
 
Four exotic dancers are charged with drugging wealthy men and then running up illegal charges on their credit cards at New York City strip clubs.  These strippers were amateurs.  *They don’t need to drug a man to get him to hand over his money…they just need to threaten to tell his wife.  (Paul Dudley)

The season finale of “Game of Thrones” was Sunday. Level of violence is unfathomable. *None of the clans believe in sensible weapons laws. (Alan Ray)

22 Jump Street” opened in theaters over the weekend. Two cops go undercover as college kids. *Trouble is they drink beer all night and sleep in till noon.  (Alan Ray)

Father’s Day was Sunday. It’s an occasion for Dad to take a long relaxing nap in the couch. *After all, why break a routine?  (Alan Ray)

Noted 70s sex therapist and TV commentator Dr. Ruth Westheimer says that nothing beats a round of surprise sex at the break of dawn. *The sex alone would be surprise enough, but just imagine waking up naked beside Dr. Ruth Westheimer.  (Bob Mills)

California’s Arts-in-Corrections program will bring music, dance, creative writing, poetry, story telling, painting, drawing and sculpture to all of its state prisons. *Some of the inmates have already tried creative writing -- “Put all the money in the bag and nobody gets hurt.” (Bob Mills)

Jihadists rebels overran Iraq and grabbed all the old US military vehicles. But not to worry. They were built by GM. *The ignitions will blow up any minute. (Bill Williams)

Singer and actor, Jim Nabors, turned 84 years old recently. Friends and family threw him a small surprise, surprise, surprise party. (Mike Pritchett)

Tim Allen turned 61 just the other day. *So now, he is really looking for more power. (Mike Pritchett)

Monica Lewinsky will give her first TV interview in ten years on the National Geographic Channel. The girl is an honest soul who hides nothing. *Last year, Monica almost had her jaw wired shut to try to lose weight, but she couldn't give up her hopes of someday seeing Bill again. (Argus Hamilton)

Johnny Manziel recently attended an event at an elementary school in Cleveland where the students went wild as he entered the gym. It was a local outreach program. The kids were there to talk with the rookie about the importance of putting work before partying in Las Vegas.  (Argus Hamilton)

Phil Mickelson denies any wrongdoing after the FBI and SEC began investigating him for insider stock trading. He made a very stupid mistake. *The first rule they teach you at the PGA Rookie School in Orlando is that whenever you play golf with the president, let him win.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Friday 6/13/14              
 
 
A Whole Foods store in New York will start offering customers cocktails while they shop.  *Great.  Now Whole Foods customers will be drunk and smug.  (Paul Dudley)

Two accused of stealing items from Miley Cyrus’ home.  When they broke in, alarm gave off a shrieking noise.  *It played a Miley Cyrus song.  (Alan Ray)

Hillary Clinton has a book out.  She discusses negotiating with world figures she barely knew or trusted.  *Living with Bill is no picnic.  (Alan Ray)

Florida woman named Crystal Metheney arrested for firing missile into occupied car. *Even Florida thinks that is too Florida for Florida.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Tonight the Los Angeles Kings have a chance to win the Stanley Cup.  They might once again hoist the huge sterling silver trophy -- which isn't easy at 125 pounds. *It’s filled with teeth of past winners.  (Bob Mills)

The average price of a ticket to a Broadway show has skyrocketed 34% in five years and is now $103.88. Summer visitors are in shock. *Who would have dreamed that something that doesn’t have rides, a parade or cartoon characters would become more expensive than Disneyland?  (Bob Mills)

Manny Ramirez, suspended for using PEDs, has been hired by the Chicago Cubs as a batting coach. *First day, he covered the basics: recognizing the strike zone, proper stance for the bunt, and care of equipment like cleats, athletic cup, syringe...   (Bob Mills)

For the seventh month in a row the McDonald’s Corporation has lost money. *It’s gotten so bad, the CEO might actually have to eat there. (Bill Williams)

A Tennessee man confessed to killing a woman, cutting up her body and eating part of it. *He has been charged with first degree murder, abuse of a corpse and improper marinating. (Bill Williams)

The Los Angeles Kings host the New York Rangers in game five of the Stanley Cup finals tonight  at the Staples Center . The fans are all Canadian transplants because nobody ice skates in L.A. *The only ice people know in Los Angeles are diamonds and crystal meth. (Argus Hamilton)

USA Today reports a French priest in Paris launched a campaign to lure young people to church by offering to bless their Smartphones. He can use them in scripture lessons. *In the Garden of Eden the serpent offers Eve just five minutes on his Apple and sloth entered the world.  (Argus Hamilton)

Leonardo DiCaprio has bought a $10 Million apartment in New York that boasts of purified air and water and a circulated aromatherapy air supply. *It’s for the person who wants to live in New York but doesn’t want to be in New York.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 6/12/14                
 
Asian restaurant chain P.F. Chang's says its computers may have been hacked when stolen customer data started showing up for sale online.  The chain is working with law enforcement to track down the thieves. *If they want to make sure their customers don't get ripped off, they should look at what they charge for Asian Lettuce wraps.  (Paul Dudley)

Kourtney Kardashian is expecting her third child.  She says she doesn’t know whether it’s a boy or a girl.  *She was referring to Bruce Jenner.  (Alan Ray)

Derek Fisher has been hired to coach the New York Knicks. The team reacted to hoopla the same way they do a halftime chalk talk.  *They didn’t pay much attention to it.   (Alan Ray)

The World Cup starts soon, so in sports bars all over the US, you will be able to hear people say; *“So, why aren’t they catching it?”  (Alex Kaseberg)

A Japanese clothing maker is in trouble for labeling their pants skinny, fat and jumbo. *They have changed to small, medium, large and Kardashian. (Alex Kaseberg) 

The World Health Organization estimates that over 3 billion people resort to a convenient bush to relieve themselves. *Of course, that number drops to about 150,000 when you remove golfers from the equation.  (Bob Mills)

The Magic Mountain amusement park outside of Los Angeles is going to demolish it's wooden roller “Colossus”.  *Answering thousands of crestfallen fans of the thrill ride, the company blames termites and increased competition from the stock market. (Bob Mills)

PGA veteran Phil Michelson is under investigation for insider stock trading. May be guilt by association, though. *All he’s accused of is asking Martha Stewart which way she thought his putt would break.  (Bob Mills)

Dan Marino dropped his suit against the NFL for failing to warn him on concussions. *Life turned out fine for him. Dan Marino is greatly loved on CBS for his offbeat and goofy NFL commentary, but he is at least three concussions away from being as funny as Terry Bradshaw. (Argus Hamilton) 

Los Angeles rated the most traffic-congested city in America in a survey taken by GPS. It said L.A. drivers spend an average of ninety hours a year stuck in traffic. *This aligns with another survey which says that L.A. people spend an average of ninety hours a year texting. (Argus Hamilton) 

Alabama's Nick Saban signed to coach for a seven million a year for eight years. He'll be in the tower at practice watching sixty players on the field working for free in the heat. *They are all heading for the NFL and it's his job to get them ready for performing community service. (Argus Hamilton) 

Celebrity chef, Paula Deen, has announced that she is launching a new digital network. *Sources say that the music for the show will be produced by Justin Bieber. (Mike Pritchett)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 6/11/14              
 
 
Scientists have developed a robot that can converse exactly like a teenager. *Oh my god, it‘s totally, like, the best robot in the world.  (Paul Dudley)

Rapper Lil’ Kim had a girl and named her Royal Reign. *Apparently the name Therapy For Life was already taken. (Alex Kaseberg) 

*Thank goodness, I was afraid they would give her a goofy celebrity baby. (Alex Kaseberg) 

The NBA finals shift to Miami. Tim Duncan can still bring it for the Spurs. *He has more double doubles than a Jim Irsay happy hour. (Alan Ray) 

Tetris turns 30. In terms of addictive powers, the classic video game easily surpasses its chief rival. *Doing something worthwhile. (Alan Ray) 

“How to Train Your Dragon 2” opens. Producers say it’s not a 97-minute rehash of the original box office hit. *It’s in fact, 105 minutes. (Alan Ray) 

Queen Elizabeth bought a McDonald’s. It’s right next to her castle at Windsor. *She went with McDonald’s because she thought “Burger Queen” sounded too gay. (Bill Williams) 

Doctor Alexander Imich, retired chemist and parapsychologist, died in New York at 111. He was sharp right up to the end, even remembering the name of his first grade teacher. *Larry King. (Bill Williams) 

Paul McCartney has postponed concerts in Japan and South Korea due to an illness. *His doctors said he is really sick of hearing Gangnam Style. (Mike Pritchett)

Sir Mix-A-Lot performed "Baby Got Back" with the Seattle Symphony recently. *The performance took place before his shift at an area Starbucks. (Mike Pritchett)

Donald Sterling was sued for millions by a second mistress in Beverly Hills court for sexual harassment. His other mistress just cost him the L.A. Clippers. *Beverly Hills drug stores just added Gloria Allred to the list of possible side effects on each bottle of Viagra. (Argus Hamilton)

Organizers charging up to $250 per hour are being hired by rich socialites in Manhattan to pack their kids’ luggage for summer camp. Just how pampered can kids get?  *Back in my day, it was part of the valet’s job.  (Bob Mills)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 6/10/14                
 
Queen Elizabeth now owns a McDonald’s franchise. *She can’t wait to visit and try the roast lamb.  (Paul Dudley)

*The McDonald’s is so royal, there’s a drive-thru throne. (Bill Williams)

Bill Gates, the Godfather of Windows donated $100,000 to an Australian university so they can build a better condom. But I wouldn’t buy it. *What do I say to my girl when it crashes? (Bill Williams)

It’s Wednesday and California Chrome has still lost the Triple Crown. *Don’t know his fate, but anyone want to guess “Super Glue?” (Bill Williams)

Kim Kardashian is defying husband Kanye and will appear on "Khloe and Kourtney Take the Hamptons". *Their marriage is going through that tricky "seven day itch."  (Alex Kaseberg)

California Chrome came in tied for fourth at Belmont. *Here's my question: after the race, what was Wilford Brimley so ticked off about?   (Alex Kaseberg)

New carrier PEOPLEXpress Airlines is the first to address the nation’s growing obesity problem. *If you and your carry-on can’t squeeze through a Hula Hoop, you pay double.  (Bob Mills)

There’s a botanical garden in Great Britain that features “clothing optional” days. Could never happen here. *Our Victorian standards are so strong, a public garden in Atlanta was cited for displaying an open Venus Fly Trap. (Bob Mills)

A 33-year old woman in Spartanberg, South Carolina was nabbed shoplifting a bible from Walmart. *She’s improving, though. Usually she takes the free bible in the motel’s night stand -- along with the night stand.  (Bob Mills)

Google unveiled its new hands-free-driving subcompact car with no steering wheel and no accelerator and no brake pedal. It's also easy on gas usage. *Engineers point out that it's a hybrid vehicle but it doesn't become fully electrified until it crashes into the light pole. (Argus Hamilton)

L.A. Clippers billionaire owner Donald Sterling has vowed to fight the NBA for using an illegally-made tape recording to strip him of his NBA team. Sterling is reputed to still have the first nickel he ever made. *Misers are not fun to live with but they make wonderful ancestors. (Argus Hamilton)

Mexico's soccer coach Miguel Herrera ordered a strict training regimen for his World Cup team. He asked his players to pledge for the duration of the competition to abstain from smoking, red meat, any sex or going to the beach. *It's like spring break at Brigham Young.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Monday 6/9/14              
 
 
Pot clubs in San Jose, California last week offered voters free marijuana to make sure they made it to the polls. The Silicon Valley Cannabis Coalition organized the "Weed for Votes" program giving free pot to users who can prove they voted. *So let me be the first to say, congratulations Senator Snoop Dogg.  (Paul Dudley)

Free pot to motivate people to show up some where?  *Clearly these people have never tried pot before.  (Paul Dudley)

Former members of the NFL claim they were forced to play injured while overmedicated with Percodan, Toradol, Vicodin, Morphine, and Percoset. *Oh, I’m sorry -- those were the party favors at Rob Ford’s last election victory bash. (Bob Mills)

Great news for husbands from the automotive world. *Google has introduced a new option for their driver less car -- for and extra two grand, you can get a backseat driver-less backseat.  (Bob Mills)

Food and Drug Administration concedes that previous estimates of safe mercury levels in fish may have been too low. *Suspicions were aroused when surfers off the coast of Australia were spotted using a sardine to test the water temperature.  (Bob Mills)

Sunday is Father’s Day.  *Or as NBA players call it: “Uh, I’m not here...”  (Alex Kaseberg)

TV sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer delivered a lecture at the Houston Fine Arts Theater called the Art of Arousal in which she recommended ways to spice up marriages. She said one of the biggest treats in life is to wake up to surprise sex. *That's true, unless you're in prison. (Argus Hamilton)

Pit Bull was ripped by feminists who demanded his rap songs be taken off the radio over his lyrics recently. Not everyone gets him. *Last fall, Pit Bull's name was on the marquee of an Indian casino in Louisiana where he was performing and six guys showed up with their dogs. (Argus Hamilton)

The Chicago Cubs hired Manny Ramirez as a minor league coach to mentor sluggers. His career ended on suspension for using a women's fertility drug as a PED. *The good news is, he's back in baseball--the bad news is, he needs the cash because he gives birth to octuplets in August.  (Argus Hamilton)

A report says that syphilis cases among men is on the rise in the U.S. *Which means just one thing, that Paris Hilton is dating again.  (Jim Barach)

A study says that 1 Billion people in the world have no access to a toilet. *Those people are otherwise known as subway passengers.(Jim Barach)

Beyonce and Jay Z have announced a joint summer tour. *Although when most people hear about a joint tour, they assume that it has something to do with Miley Cyrus. (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Friday 6/6/14                
 
Justin Bieber's sprawling Calabasas, California home is now owned by Khloe Kardashian.  Bieber bought the place two years ago for six-and-a-half-million bucks, Khloe paid him seven-point-two-million.  *Clearly the contents of his medicine cabinet were included.  (Paul Dudley)

Scientists in the Netherlands have successfully teletransported sub-atomic particles a distance of ten feet. Take that, Google. *You can stick your driverless car in a garage where the sun don’t shine! (Bob Mills)

TV minister Pat Robertson says wives should use sex to get husbands to do chores. An incentive would replace the traditional approach by men. *Begging.  (Alan Ray)

Golfer Phil Mickelson investigated for insider trading. Prison not like golf. *When someone yells “get in the hole”, they’re talking solitary.  (Alan Ray)

New York to lift 15-year ban on owning a ferret. *If they had a ban on ferrets, how has Donald Trump been allowed to have one on his head?  (Alex Kaseberg)

“The Arsenio Hall Show” has been cancelled.  *That is really bad news,” said the year 1993.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West went on their honeymoon in Ireland after they were married in Italy. They wrote their own vows. *Kanye promised his love and his heart and his single-minded devotion, then he turned from the mirror and said the same thing to Kim. (Argus Hamilton)

Johnny Manziel posed with babes wearing Johnny Manziel jerseys at a Las Vegas pool on Monday. Hopefully he wasn't grabby. *Nevada will let you gamble, drink all day and night and consort with hookers, but they give you thirty years for trying to steal your own jersey back. (Argus Hamilton)

NBC News anchor Brian Williams landed an interview with NSA leaker Edward Snowden in Moscow. He wound up in Russia. *He sought asylum in the only place that's beyond the reach of U.S. law enforcement, but the New York Stock Exchange does not allow overnight guests.  (Argus Hamilton)

A man on a Turkish TV dating show admitted he killed his first wife and a former lover. *Apparently the next time they do a contestant search, producers might ask hopefuls during the pre-screening exactly why they are still single.  (Jim Barach)

Burger King will start offering hamburgers as part of its breakfast lineup. *Apparently the rule is if they put on enough bacon, anything can be considered part of the breakfast menu.  (Jim Barach)

United Airlines has been rated the best in cashing in frequent flier reward miles. *The only question is who actually wants to fly United more than once?  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 6/5/14                
 
On Monday, Apple announced a new app called HealthKit that will let your iPhone monitor your diet, blood pressure and track calorie intake.   It's about time Apple started to help people with their healthcare.  *An iPhone costs an arm and a leg.  (Mark Wheeler)

A minor earthquake shook Los Angeles.  The jolt did some weird things.  *David Cassidy was actually seen walking straight.  (Alan Ray)

Singer Chris Brown is out of jail.  The bling he wears has been modified.  *It still looks cool, but it also sends a signal to his probation officer.  (Alan Ray)

World Cup soccer begins in Brazil.  The Russian team knows what it has to do avoid elimination.  *Be real nice to Vladimir Putin.  (Alan Ray)

Dan Marino, considered one of the greatest quarterbacks in National Football League history, is suing the NFL over concussions? Really?  *Has this guy bumped his head?  (Jason Shaw)

Chuck Lorre, creator of “Two and a Half Men,” apologized for 15-years of bad TV. *When he hired Charlie Sheen he didn’t know the guy would drink like two and a half men. (Bill Williams)

Two suspects scaled a fence and broke into Miley Cyrus’ Hollywood home, stealing jewelry and a car. *After issuing an all-points bulletin, police stated they’ll be twerking around the clock. (Bill Williams)

South Korean pop singer Psy has a new album with over 2 billion views on YouTube and set a record for most views in one day at 38 million. *That tops the record previously held by that clip of Beyonce’s sister clobbering her brother-in-law.  (Bob Mills)

Brazil's Amazon River contains more species of fish than the Atlantic Ocean. Really a lot. *In fact, the menu at the Red Lobster in Rio is 40 feet long. (Bob Mills)

Mexico's government urged Congress to add its ban on NSA domestic spying to include a ban on NSA monitoring phones calls in Mexico. Imagine their exasperation. *It's not enough that the NSA spies on Americans, they feel they have to spy on future Americans, too.  (Argus Hamilton)

Mexico's coach ordered the Mexican soccer team to abstain from sex as they train for the World Cup and ordered them to abstain for the duration of the World Cup. All the teams do it. *Pope Francis will be at the opening ceremony to welcome all the players to the club.  (Argus Hamilton)

Britain's ITN News reported Peru police busted a gang that trafficked in human fat. They removed cellulite off abductees and sold it to Euro cosmetics firms for ten thousand dollars a gallon. *Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Lopez just realized they've been sitting on a gold mine. (Argus Hamilton)


The Funny Firm - Wednesday 6/4/14                
 
A South Carolina woman was arrested Saturday afternoon for stealing a Bible from Walmart.
According to cops, 33 year old Frances Thomas, was spotted by a store employee placing the Good Book in her purse while she was inside the Spartanburg store. *In her defense, she obviously hadn’t read it yet. (Paul Dudley)

The birthrate for mothers between 15 and 19 is the lowest in 80 years. *Experts credit religious beliefs, rising prices, and the example of Miley Cyrus that shows girls can have just as much fun licking inanimate objects.  (Bob Mills)

With melanoma on the rise, the FDA has issued new guidelines on the use of tanning beds. *Frequent users are warned to limit their ultraviolet ray exposure with a timer and to avoid tanning salons that rent their beds to fast food franchises as French fry warmers.  (Bob Mills)

Responding to rising complaints, New York Mayor has declared all out war on rats. His vermin eradicators will set traps at locations where the long tailed disease carriers are often observed -- like stagnant sewer drains, inside rotted food dumpsters, running behind ambulances.  (Bob Mills)

Maleficent topped the box office.  The evil sorcerer realizes the dangers of killing off a maiden.  *If she does that, there’s no possible sequel.  (Alan Ray)

The Heat and the Spurs are in the NBA finals.  Miami has a prolific offense.  *They’re open more often than Miley Cyrus’ legs.  (Alan Ray)

The trade of Bergdahl for 5 Taliban members is not as bad as you think. *It also includes two future draft picks and five drones to be named later.  (Alex Kaseberg)

It is June 4. *That means it has been a whole four days since Gwyneth Paltrow has said something idiotic.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Rubik’s Cube recently turned 40-years-old. *Coincidently so is the phrase, “No ma’am. I’m NOT doing that under the table!” (Bill Williams) 

A US Airways flight had to make an emergency landing after a service dog pooped in the aisle. *It was under control. *Until the pilot learned they cleaned the carpet with his vermouth. (Bill Williams)

World Cup organizers in Rio de Janeiro got the venues ready before half a million people arrive. The city is famous for its topless beaches and wild living. *High atop Mt. Sugarloaf there's a statue of Jesus overlooking Rio and on Saturday nights they blindfold him. (Argus Hamilton)

A Russian billionaire was ordered in divorce court to pay his wife four and a half billion dollars in alimony. This is on record as the largest divorce settlement in the history of the world. *Upon hearing the news, Mrs. Donald Sterling vowed that records were made to be broken. (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 6/3/14              
 
 
An Indian court might have to decide whether a wealthy religious leader is dead or meditating. The man's family says he died of a heart attack in January. His followers say he's meditating. *They want to resolve the matter quickly so he can get back up and touring with the Rolling Stones. (Paul Dudley)

The NBA Championship match-up is set, with the Miami Heat taking on the San Antonio Spurs. You've got to admire the extended career of the Spurs’ Tim Duncan. *He has more court appearances than Lindsay Lohan.  (Alan Ray)

A new airline called PEOPLEXpress is set to launch. Start up will go to 3 or 4 destinations a few times a week. *Or, as United would call it, “a nonstop”. (Alan Ray)

Botanical garden in UK has clothing optional days. Guests can stroll by carefully grown bush after bush. *And the hedges are nice as well. (Alan Ray)

Thirty percent of the world is now fat according to the Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation at the University of Washington. *So it seems the world won't end with a bang or a whimper, but with a fart. (Bill Williams)

The Duchess 0f Cambridge, Kate Middleton was humiliated when a helicopter blew her dress up exposing the bare royal bum. *The royal family hasn’t been this embarrassed since Camilla was caught with her tail up. (Bill Williams)

Poison frontman, Bret Michaels, is OK after he was rushed off stage at a concert recently. *The audience was upset because they were looking for nothing, but a good time. (Mike Pritchett)

The grandson of famous underwater explorer, Jacques Cousteau, is aiming to live underwater for 31 days. *Sources close to the family say that he will be staying at Spongebob Squarepants pineapple. (Mike Pritchett) 

Recently, Washington DC has been named the "fittest" city in the U.S. by the American College of Sports Medicine. *The college says the city stays fit by always running their mouths. (Mike Pritchett)

An AMC movie theater in Burbank, California has applied for a beer and wine license. *And high time, too. Nothing beats a liter of 1974`` Napa Valley Chardonnay to wash down a tub of artificially buttered popcorn with nachos and melted Velveeta accompanied by a pair of corn dogs. (Bob Mills)

Apple has paid $3 billion to acquire Beats, the headphone company founded by rapper Dr. Dre. *Of course, the seller couldn’t be happier, telling reporters, “I never dreamed that some day I’d be as rich as a real doctor.”  (Bob Mills)

The Ronco Pocket Fisherman, which became a sales sensation in 1972 after being hawked on TV, is back and again selling well. *Which just goes to show the wisdom of the old adage “Give a man a fish and he’ll eat, sell a man a Pocket Fisherman and Ronco shareholders will eat for life.”  (Bob Mills)


The Funny Firm - Monday 6/2/14                
 
Former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer has agreed to buy the Los Angeles Clippers for 2 billion dollars in cash.  How rich is he?  *He can actually afford to buy a beer at Clippers game.  (Mark Wheeler)

Apple has new smart home system. People can text, watch TV, or talk with Bluetooth anywhere. *It’s sort of like being in their cars. (Alan Ray)

Apple has bought Beats by Dre for $3 billion. It was only supposed to cost $2 billion. *But the purchaser opted for the extended warranty.  (Alan Ray)

Google claims to be have the first true driverless car. Me thinks their ego is running a little wild. *The first true driverless car was owned by Billy Joel. (Bill Williams)

Marine biologists and meteorologists have partnered to equip sharks with sensors that will predict the location and intensity of hurricanes and typhoons. *The sharks are the same species as the hack lawyers hired by insurance companies to deny storm damage coverage based on policy loopholes. (Bob Mills)

Tennis pro Caroline Wozniacki was eliminated from the French Open only days after breaking up with golf pro Rory McElroy. Her own fault. She broke an unwritten law of sports. *Since Tiger, pro golfers are allowed to date waitresses and pro skiers -- not tennis players. (Bob Mills)

California Chrome will run in the Belmont for the Triple Crown after New York racetrack officials approved the nasal strips he wears. *It's a good and bad thing. Nasal strips allow a California horse to take in more oxygen through its nose but no one offers him coke at parties.  (Argus Hamilton)

USA Today reported that Tennessee man named Lonnie Hutton was arrested for having sex with an ATM machine. It drew worldwide attention. *High-ranking Islamic clerics just ruled that while Lonnie Hutton remains pure, the ATM is now tainted and will have to be put to death.  (Argus Hamilton)

NFL former players sued the NFL saying they were given painkillers to keep them on the field without regard for long-term effects. They were given Toradol, Percodan, Percoset, Vicodin and morphine. The NFL's just stumbled onto Dr. Conrad Murray's formula for a great night's sleep. (Argus Hamilton)

LeBron James will reportedly have a part in Judd Apatow’s next movie called “Trainwreck.” *It’s the first time in a week that train wreck has been mentioned along with the NBA that wasn’t referring to Donald Sterling.  (Jim Barach)

A survey says that New York City and Washington, D.C. are the nation’s two most stressed cities. *Mostly because New York is where Wall Street destroyed the nation’s economy and Washington, D.C. is where they let them get away with it.  (Jim Barach)

A proposed initiative could make Oklahoma the first state to legalize marijuana for personal use and as an exportable cash crop. *Which makes you wonder what Rogers and Hammerstein were smoking when they saw an elephant in the corn field while writing “Oklahoma”?  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Friday 5/30/14                
 
The National Center for Health Statistics says the number of births for teens aged 15 to 19-years-old last year was about 275-thousand.  That's the lowest number since 1933.  *Not surprisingly, the rate of shotgun weddings has also dropped dramatically.  (Paul Dudley)
 
The Duggars of 19 Kids and Counting fame are visiting a fertility clinic to help get pregnant with their 20th kid.  The location of the facility is in high traffic area.  *But enough about her vagina.  (Alan Ray)

Wrigley Field a long overdue renovation in July.  Crews were originally going to start when Cubs season was over.  *But June was too soon.   (Alan Ray)

Scientists are monitoring shark behavior to predict hurricane movements.  Researchers tag them in their schools.  *Yale, Harvard, Stanford.   (Alan Ray)

A woman calling herself the “National Weed Fairy” is visiting Seattle and leaving small pinches of pot taped to telephone poles to keep spirits high in the Emerald City. *Either that, or lure Willie Nelson out of retirement. (Bill Williams)

The Nashville Tennessean reports a man in Tennessee was arrested after he was caught trying to have sex with an ATM machine. It was costly. *He got a night in the drunk tank, a lewd conduct charge, and a thirty-six dollar early withdrawal fee from Bank of America. (Argus Hamilton)

Vladimir Putin said Barack Obama is re-starting the Cold War as Prince Charles publicly likened Putin to Hitler. The U.S. indicted the Chinese for hacking, and China did troop exercises with Russia, who test-fired an ICBM. *North Korea just urged everyone to settle down. (Argus Hamilton)

The NBA scheduled an owner's vote in June to legitimize stripping Donald Sterling of the L.A. Clippers. It's affecting team owners' love lives. *Last week alone, a dozen team owners decided to pop the big question to their girlfriends, the question being, are you wearing a wire?  (Argus Hamilton)

Techies are developing a Star Trek inspired device called a tricorder that will automatically monitor the user's vital stats and be able to diagnose disease as symptoms develop. It’s uncanny. *The thing is so much like a real doctor, on Wednesdays it lists nothing but golf scores.  (Bob Mills)

Apple’s new “CarPlay” system integrates the user’s entire array of electronic devices and social media sites allowing voice contact while driving. Great. *There goes the last place where I could hide from friends, followers, linked-ins, instagrammers, chat roomies and Google Groupies with no life -- and no car. (Bob Mills)

The Tennis Channel has launched “Tennis Channel+” a $59.99 subscription service. *If you sign up, though, be sure not to skip payments -- unless you want John McEnroe to show up at your house and scream at you in front of your neighbors.  (Bob Mills)

Elin Nordegren gave a speech as the outstanding graduating senior at Rollins College in Florida. *The only problem is that she wanted to try out for the school’s golf team but the other players kept running for cover every time she asked her caddy for a 9 iron.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 5/29/14              
 
 
Google introduced it’s newest self-driving car Tuesday.  It has no steering wheel, no gas pedal, and no brakes.  *They’re calling it a Toyota.  (Paul Dudley)

A Japanese bakery claims their cookies will give women bigger boobs. *Not clear if they mean breasts, or menfolk. (Bill Williams) 

Eighty years ago this month, Bonnie and Clyde were ambushed by the Feds. Things are easier for the cops now. *They’d just wait for the couple’s GM car to crash and burn. (Bill Williams)

Scientists are now using pigs for medical research. *Which proves the old cliché: *Everything is better with bacon. Even death. (Bill Williams)

New York Mets fired hitting coach Dave Hudgens. The players reacted to news like they do a 2 and 0 fastball. *They didn’t see it coming.  (Alan Ray)

Maleficent opens in theaters. An angry, jealous diva puts a curse on a fair maiden. *It ain’t easy being Beyonce’s sister.  (Alan Ray)

22 Jump Street opens June 13. Two cops go under cover in college to stop a crime. *“Folks, whatever you do, don’t take out a student loan…”  (Alan Ray)

L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling has decided to sell the team. The eighty-one year old billionaire has been banned from the NBA for life. *No one knows how many months that could be. (Argus Hamilton) 

The Justice Department indicted five members of China's military for cyber-spying on U.S. companies for China's state-owned industries. It's the start of an Internet war between the U.S. and China. *Walmart just went on Facebook and changed its relationship status to Single.  (Argus Hamilton) 

Opening this week is Seth MacFarlane’s “A Million Ways to Die in the West,” a parody of Clint Eastwood’s spaghetti westerns. *Advance word is that it’s so gross, one critic wrote that it makes the campfire scene in “Blazing Saddles” look like a Sesame Street class on table manners.  (Bob Mills)

Ryan Hunter-Reay became the first American to win the checkered flag at the Indy 500 since Sam Hornish, Jr. in 2006. Which raises the question: How do Indy cars differ from those that race in NASCAR? *The ones in NASCAR have a gun rack. (Bob Mills)

The St. Louis Rams drafted a player who used to work at their stadium as a janitor. *The only problem will be convincing him to join the Rams and accept the demotion.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 5/28/14                
 
Pop star Taylor Swift is pulling the plug on next week's concert in Thailand after the military staged a “bloodless” coup.  *Which is kind of ironic because a few years back a bloodless coup was how Taylor Swift became a pop star. (Paul Dudley)

The French Open has begun.  How is this tennis tournament like David Cassidy?  *It has a lot of doubles before noon.  (Alan Ray)

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are honeymooning in Ireland. *To which Ireland said; "We had the potato famine. Haven't we suffered enough?"  (Alex Kaseberg)

Tennessee reinstated the electric chair for death-row inmates. Of course it’s been updated and modernized. *They tell inmates, “You’ve just won a brand new Tesla!” (Bill Williams)

Burger King will now deliver your Whopper. No need to reheat though. *It’s hot from the same evil fires that power Miley Cyrus. (Bill Williams) 

Kurt Busch raced in both the Indy 500 and the NASCAR Charlotte 600 this past weekend. *Amazing. Eleven hundred miles of driving and not one gas station hot dog. (Bill Williams)

Shocking fans, soccer legend Landon Donavan was left off the U.S. World Cup team headed to Rio and won’t get his fifth trip to the games. *Which just goes to show that to stay on top in soccer, it helps to marry a Spice Girl.  (Bob Mills)

The average age in the U.S., says a report from the Census Bureau, is 22 due to immigration and more people living longer. A bigger factor is poor high school math scores. *Seems most teens are satisfied if they can calculate their age within two years give or take.  (Bob Mills)

The Houston School Board is investigating a 34-year old woman who successfully masqueraded as a high school student for an entire year. She was so average, no one suspected a thing. *She flunked Math, slept with her gym teacher, had a child out of wedlock, and cheated on her SATs. (Bob Mills)

The FDA ran a study of cereals and found Kellogg's Sugar Smacks contains the highest amount of sugar. The cereal is marketed to the type of little boy who wants to grow up to be the mayor of Toronto. *That's why the toy in every box of Sugar Smacks is a camera phone. (Argus Hamilton)

The Beverly Hills Hotel was boycotted by Hollywood stars over hotel owner the Sultan of Brunei enacting Sharia law in Brunei. It's a clash of two civilizations. *In Brunei, couples who commit adultery get stoned while in Beverly Hills, couples get stoned and commit adultery.  (Argus Hamilton)

California Chrome will run for the Triple Crown at the Belmont after New York race track officials dropped its rule against allowing horses to wear nasal adhesive strips. The nasal strips open up the nasal passage. *Putting them on is a pre-game ritual at Charlie Sheen's house. (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 5/27/14              
 
 
A group of scientists have started attaching sensors to sharks to help predict hurricane intensity.  *Now if they can just find someone who will agree to attach the sensors to all the sharks.  (Paul Dudley)

Over the weekend in Italy Kim Kardashian married Kanye West. *Doing marathon duties as Father of the Bride, Best Man, and Maid of Honor was Bruce Jenner. (Bill Williams)

Kim and Kanye are finally wed. The ceremony had all the traditional symbols. *The “something new” was Bruce Jenner’s face.  (Alan Ray)

It was awkward when Kim was first told they would be married in Florence. She said; “OK, but I always dreamed of getting married in Italy.”  (Alex Kaseberg)

The London Mail said pro women tennis players are selling ad space for sponsor's logos on their shirts over each breast. That's pure genius. *The line to get into Meineke Mufflers is going to be really embarrassing about ten minutes after every women's match at Wimbledon. (Argus Hamilton)

The New York Standard Hotel fired the employee who sold the security video of Beyonce's sister Solange assaulting her brother-in-law Jay-Z in the hotel elevator. *The elevator now has a sign urging hotel guests to take the stairs in case of fire or Solange. (Argus Hamilton) 

Australian coastal watchers warned surfers of tiger sharks approaching the Melbourne beaches. They average seventeen feet in length and three thousand pounds. They swam right past two dozen swimmers who learned, for the first time in their lives, that adrenaline is brown.  (Argus Hamilton) 

While paper currency can spread disease, coins can not because their base metals are antibacterial. *Which is why you should never, in an emergency, cover a skinned knee with $100 bills as is often seen during NBA pregame practices. (Bob Mills)

Confectioners Hershey and Godiva are going sweet tooth to sweet tooth to acquire Russell Stover, the nation’s third largest chocolate maker. *Bids are predicted to go north of $1 billion, sweetened by a substantial contribution from the American Dental Association.  (Bob Mills)

Popular for decades, “casual dining restaurants” like Applebee’s and TGI Fridays are being edged out by “fast casual restaurants” like Chipotle and Panera. *Experts predict that both will soon be overtaken by “super fast casual” franchises that will offer entrees that arrive at your table pre-chewed and ready to swallow.  (Bob Mills)

A study says that age 40 is not to late for men to start intensive exercise. *However, the person who really gets the most intensive exercise is the one who tries to get them up off the couch. (Jim Barach)

Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit has directed a commercial for eHarmony. *Apparently the ad stresses that if you use other dating sites you might end up with someone like Fred Durst. (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Monday 5/26/14                
 
A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs.  *Now if they can just figure out how to get those people to actually show up for work.  (Paul Dudley)

NFL players are cautioning rookies to be smarter with their money. *Their number one advice is, under any circumstances do not invest in the Jacksonville Jaguars. (Jim Barach)

Cannes Film Festival continues. What’s the least viewed exhibition at this artistic gathering? *“Actor’s Showcase: Julianne Hough”.  (Jim Barach)

Today is a federal holiday. Many VA employees get to do nothing all day. *And others will stay home from work.  (Jim Barach)

The Navy granted seven million dollars to four schools to figure how to give autonomous military robots a conscience. It's a must. *If you want to be reminded how military robots act without a conscience the Germans are perfectly willing to save Ukraine from the Russians again. (Argus Hamilton)

Epic Records released a new album of never-before-released songs recorded by Michael Jackson to the delight of his fans. The day he died, hundreds of children gathered at the gates of his Neverland estate. *The police let them out as soon as they could find a locksmith. (Argus Hamilton)

The Huffington Post published statistics from the Federal Reserve on credit card debt. It says Americans are eight hundred and fifty billion in credit card debt. *The Federal Reserve estimated that one in ten Americans no longer carry cash, they're called History Majors. (Argus Hamilton)

After a rules challenge, California Chrome will be allowed to run the third leg of the Triple Crown wearing his equine nose strip. *Which makes horse racing is the only sport that encourages its athletes to sniff freely while performing. (Bob Mills)

Monica Lewinsky is reportedly about to sue Vanity Fair over her June article on her affair with Bill Clinton. *She was fine with the article itself, but the magazine came with instructions on how to roll it up to resemble the cigar. (Bob Mills)

In order to save vanishing neighborhoods, some homes in Detroit are being auctioned off starting at $1,000. *Of course, that’s where the bidding starts but the price actually goes down from there.  (Jim Barach)

Chicago based grocery store Jewel-Osco has stopped asking about criminal history on job applications. *Apparently the store wanted to keep the application process down to twelve pages or less.  (Jim Barach)

A report says that scientists are using pigs more often for medical research. *Mostly because all the health problems that affect people are the result of a direct correlation with how much bacon they have eaten.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Friday 5/23/14              
 
 
Just ahead of Memorial Day weekend, Disneyland quietly raised its ticket prices. A single day ticket to Disneyland is up from 92-dollars to 96 for guests ten and older. *And you thought the Pirates of the Caribbean was the only place in the park where you could see plundering.  (Mark Wheeler)

The Indy 500 begins Sunday.  Fans will marvel at the cars on the track.  *They go several hundred miles without getting a recall.  (Alan Ray)

A “Magic Mike” sequel is due out next year.  It’s a feature length film.  *And Channing Tatum has the featured length.  (Alan Ray)   

“X-Men: Days of Future Past” opens.  Professor X travels back to 1973 to stop a crime.  *He prevents the invention of the smiley face.  (Alan Ray)

Gold medal ice dancer, Meryl Davis, won “Dancing with the Stars.”  *In an equally shocking result, air won “The Best Thing to Breathe” contest.  (Alex Kaseberg)

The new season of ABC’s “The Bachelorette” kicked off its new season with 25 wannabes vying for the hand of 26-year old Andi Dorfman, an Assistant District Attorney in Atlanta. *Her first round cross-examination was so effective, two of them confessed and were charged with class-1 felonies. (Bob Mills)

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg turned thirty. When his wife asked him what he wanted, he said “Make it something with a Spanish theme.” *So she gave him Palo Alto. (Bob Mills)

Beyonce Knowles’s sister Solonge and her husband Jay Z got into a fist fight in a hotel elevator following the Met Gala. *Seems the trouble started when they couldn’t agree who was the more talented elevator artist -- John Tesh or Kenny G.  (Bob Mills)

The Cleveland Browns had a press conference introducing Johnny Manziel. ESPN showed him on draft night in the green room drinking water and sweating for three hours before he was picked. *Afterwards, he said he enjoyed rehab but three hours was plenty enough. (Argus Hamilton)

Godzilla starring Bryan Cranston is in movie theaters worldwide. The movie's premiere prompted the Office of Emergency Management in New York to announce it could subdue an attack on New York by Godzilla. *It then demonstrated this by arresting Alec Baldwin. (Argus Hamilton)

Christopher Columbus's third ship the Santa Maria may have been found off the coast of Haiti. It hit a reef on the way home and sank after Columbus discovered America. *Columbus thought he'd arrived in India, which explains why Italy never wins the America's Cup.  (Argus Hamilton)

A study says that being rejected on Facebook may lower a person’s self esteem. And who wouldn’t after getting fewer “likes” than a picture of someone’s omelet they just ate for breakfast?  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Thursday 5/22/14                
 
A group of former NFL players is suing the league, claiming team doctors illegally drugged injured players with pain meds to keep them on the field.  *These days Cleveland Browns players are given drugs because they're on the Browns....and in Cleveland.  (Paul Dudley)

Admission to Disney World’s Magic Kingdom is now $99.  The increase will fund a new Dwarf character on Main Street USA.  *Greedy. (Alan Ray) 

Ex-MLB star Julio Franco is attempting a comeback at 55.  *He no longer throws out runners. Only his back.  (Alan Ray)

Kim and Kanye will wed on Saturday.  A sweet ceremony.  *They’ll acknowledge the 3 tenants of their marriage – faith, hope, and publicity.  (Alan Ray) 

McDonald's has released pictures of its new mascot, a box named Happy, and social media is calling it creepy & terrifying. *However, if you look for yourself, its not as creepy or terrifying as eating a McDouble. (Mike Pritchett)

McDonald's has released pictures of its new mascot named 'Happy', as a replacement for its stale characters.  *And if anybody know anything about stale products, its McDonald's. (Mike Pritchett)

A Missouri inmate wants his execution filmed…Well, one thing’s for sure. *If he win’s an Oscar, it’ll be the world’s shortest acceptance speech. (Bill Williams)

Michael Jackson’s hologram performed at Sunday Night’s Billboard Music Awards. A hologram is an image that has no substance. *Kinda’ like watching Miley Cyrus. (Bill Williams)

Olympic organizers in Brazil announced that the pollution in Guanabara Bay, the planned venue for the nautical events, will not be cleaned up in time for the 2016 Games. *The good news is, the water is so flammable, they can use it to fuel the torch. (Bob Mills)

Fitness experts were shocked by a recent survey in which over 80 million Americans claim they walk to keep fit at least once a week. Their shock was not misplaced. Turns out 83% of them admitted they were walking toward a Baskin-Robbins... a Ben & Jerry’s… a Foster Freeze…Dairy Queen.  (Bob Mills)

Missouri's gay linebacker Michael Sam was selected by the St. Louis Rams in the NFL draft. The media went wild. *Hopefully Michael Sam's tremendous courage will inspire other NFL players to come out of the closet and admit that they too are St. Louis Rams.  (Argus Hamilton)

The Washington Monument re-opened after being shut down for three years for repairs. It honors a great man. *The reason Americans love George Washington so much is because he is the only president who didn't blame his problems on the previous administration. (Argus Hamilton)

The Funny Firm - Wednesday 5/21/14              
 
 
Reality TV stars Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian want to see criminal charges against a clown who showered them with confetti. A street performer sprinkled the sisters with confetti in Los Angeles last month.  *This is refreshing…usually when you hear about the Kardashians and a clown they’re getting married to one.  (Mark Wheeler)

Kim and Kanye will marry on Saturday. It should be a very personable wedding. *The bride and groom have both written their own prenups.  (Alan Ray)

California Chrome is one win away from Triple Crown. Owners say the stud fee has quadrupled. *If it were up to him, he’d do it for a handful of hay.  (Alan Ray)

Pope Francis urged governments to raise taxes and redistribute wealth to the poor. He moved out of a palace into an apartment, sold his limo and drives a Focus. *It makes every divorced man feel like he could be pope, and it makes every Protestant grateful for the English Channel. (Argus Hamilton)

Johnny Manziel was photographed chugging a magnum of champagne in a New York nightclub at three in the morning after the Cleveland Browns drafted him. It raised one question. *How many more terrible things have to happen to Cleveland before it's downgraded from city to town? (Argus Hamilton)

A New York high-rise hosted a Hot Tub Cinema night in which residents watched Hot Tub Time Machine from hot tubs on the building roof. You can't imagine the mess. *There was a time back in the Seventies when five people could get into a hot tub without flooding the patio.  (Argus Hamilton)

Finnair now offers First Class a pre-flight sauna at their Helsinki Airport VIP Lounge. Great. *First we had to watch the pilot drinking before the flight, and now we have to look at him naked? (Bob Mills)

At high school and college commencements, graduates are painting unique designs on their mortar boards. *No surprise that a growing number of them land entry-level jobs at graduation hat companies. (Bob Mills)

The Red Lobster restaurant chain has been sold to a San Francisco equity firm for $2.1 billion. *The buildings themselves went for $1.8 million -- $300,000 was for bibs. (Bob Mills)

A Tennessee man was arrested for trying to have sex with an ATM. In addition, he was charged by the bank for making an inadequate deposit.  (Alex Kaseberg)

A Russian woman gave birth to twins on a flight from Zyryanka to Yakutsk. *Fortunately there was a ticket agent on board and the airline was able to charge her for the extra seats. (Bill Williams)

Barbra Walters is finally hanging up her hat and retiring. Records show her first interview was with Madonna. *Not the singer, Jesus’ mom. (Bill Williams)

The Funny Firm - Tuesday 5/20/14                
 
The new "Godzilla" opened up this weekend to huge ticket sales. There have been 28 Godzilla movies. They include "Son of Godzilla," "Godzilla vs. Mothra," and of course “Keeping up with the Godzilla’s”  (Mark Wheeler)

“X-Men: Days of Future Past” is coming to theaters. In this episode, Wolverine meets his arch nemesis. *Jock itch.  (Alan Ray)

Memorial Weekend is near. Oil companies will raise a flag in a salute to veterans. *No, wait a minute, that’s the price of gas.  (Alan Ray)

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian getting married in Florence. *They ask everyone to respect their privacy and please do not tell Bruce Jenner.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Happy 30th to Facebook founder, Mark Zuckerberg. *If you want to give him a present, he's registered at Bed, Bath and Beyond a Billionaire.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Monica Lewinsky wrote an article in the June issue of Vanity Fair where she discusses her lewd conduct with President Clinton in the Oval Office that led to his impeachment She said if it wasn't for Bill Clinton, she'd be a mother with two kids by now. *Not the way she was doing it. (Argus Hamilton)

The Census Bureau reported a sixty percent increase in people bicycling to work over the last ten years. They're not all commuting. *If you see a fifty-year-old man on a bicycle in Los Angeles he's working out, and if you see a fifty-year-old man on a bicycle in Texas, he's got a DUI. (Argus Hamilton)

Johnny Manziel was selected by the Cleveland Browns after the Dallas Cowboys passed on him. One scouting report called him a spoiled brat with outlaw blood lines. *So the Cowboys missed a chance to return to the offense that won them three Super Bowls in four years.  (Argus Hamilton)

NBC is developing a TV adaptation of "The Music Man.” Well, almost. Aimed at the nation’s growing senior population, it features a traveling drug salesman who cons retirement home residents by guaranteeing regularity. *It’s called “The Metamucil Man.”  (Bob Mills)

Former New England Patriots wide receiver Aaron Hernandez, who signed a $40 million contract in 2012, is charged with murdering two men outside a Boston nightclub. *If convicted, he faces a sentence of life without possibility of Hall of Fame. (Bob Mills)

An Iowa couple who stopped at a McDonald’s drive-through and bought Big Macs they discovered were laced with pot. *Turns out they misunderstood the speaker in the Ronald McDonald cut-out when it asked “Fried with that?”  (Bob Mills)

A report says that a chemical found in wine and chocolate may not promote longevity. *At least not for people who find they can do just fine without their liver and pancreas.  (Jim Barach)

The Funny Firm - Monday 5/19/14              
 
 
A new survey finds walking is the most popular form of exercise among Americans.  Almost 80-million people say they walk for fitness purposes at least 50-plus times per year, more than any other type of activity. *Every other American replied…sitting, it’s the new walking. (Paul Dudley)

A 17-year old girl won primary for West Virginia house. She ran on standard platform for someone her age. *Pro Life, Pro Guns, Proactiv.  (Alan Ray)

Cher is on a second farewell tour. She’s adjusted her music to better fit her age. *The song is now called “Gypsies, Gramps, and Thieves”.  (Alan Ray)

“Godzilla” opened in movie theaters this past weekend. The storyline is loosely based on a Broadway musical. *“Stomp”.  (Alan Ray)

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford checked into an alcohol and drug rehab house. His heart is in the right place but his choice of facilities is suspect. *Twenty eight days in the “Betty Ford Chong Center.”  (Bill Williams)

IKEA is so old they’re making the first store into a museum. I remember their first build-it-yourself piece of furniture. *It was Larry King. (Bill Williams)

Experts say that “exploding head syndrome” really exists, where people hear explosive-sounding noises in their sleep. *Which many women experience at night after their husbands come back from eating dinner at Taco Bell.  (Jim Barach)

A report says that deaths caused by alcohol are on the rise around the world. *At least that pretty much clears Coors Light from any responsibility.  (Jim Barach)

A study says that pregnancy is tied to a higher risk of car crashes. *Remember when the only association with cars and pregnancy was winding up a date in the back seat?  (Jim Barach)

While family members went head-to-head in court, 82-year old Casey Kasem, considered the “Father of the Countdown,” had disappeared but was located following an all out search. *Fittingly, the judge ordered police to check the top 40 airports… the top 40 bus depots… the top 40 train stations.  (Bob Mills)

Wild life biologists think the gray wolf whose trek to California from the Oregon Cascades made history -- the first of his species spotted in the state in over a century -- may be a dad. So why the big surprise he got lucky in Oregon? *It’s not known as Beaver State for nothing. (Bob Mills)

Reaching the big seven-O this summer, Smokey the Bear has received a complete makeover from the National Park Service. *To give him a much younger, carefree image, he now has his own Facebook page, uses Instagram and Twitter, and occasionally tosses raw eggs at his neighbor’s cave.  (Bob Mills)



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