Funny Firm- Funny Quotes!!!!

Quotes are alphabetized according to the last name of the author.  We are just starting to compile these quotes as a new area to The Funny Firm....please send us your favorite funny quote so we can add it.  Within the next few months we should have the usual extra large load of memory clogging material you've come to expect from The Funny Firm.   Return to TheFunny Firm show prep homepage.

(A) (B) (C) (D) (E) (F) (G) (H) (I) (J) (K) (L) (M)

(N) (O) (P) (Q) (R) (S) (T) (U) (V) (W) (X) (Y) (Z)



*A drink a day keeps the shrink away. (Edward Abbey)

*"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."  (Douglas Adams)

*"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."   (Douglas Adams)

*"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."  (Woody Allen)

*Half of the people in the world are below average.  (Anonymous)

*Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.  (Anonymous)

*On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"  (Anonymous)

*Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.   (Anonymous)

*"Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things."  (Anonymous)

*Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ....   (Anonymous)

*Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.   (Anonymous)

*Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.   (Anonymous)

*Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.  (Anonymous)

*Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.   (Anonymous)

*Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.  (Anonymous)

*Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.   (Anonymous)

*I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.   (Anonymous)

*If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.   (Anonymous)


*Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. (Jim Backus)

*Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a while. {after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics}.  (Charles Barkley)

*Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. (Dave Barry)

*Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. (Dave Barry's Bad Habits, Dave Barry)

*All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.  (Dave Barry)

*When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. (Postpetroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry)

*If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. (Dave Barry)

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it" - Yogi Berra

*"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else!"  (Yogi Berra)

*Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.  (Ambrose Bierce)

*I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. (David Bissonette)

*The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. (Humphrey Bogart)

*"We are an impossibility in an impossible universe."  (Ray Bradbury)

*"The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing."  (William J. Broad)

*Time is God's way to keep everything from happening at once. (James Brown)

*I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. -A. (Whitney Brown)


*(Calvin): People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. (Hobbes): Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?

*People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.  (Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI)

*There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? -(Dick Cavett), {mocking the TV-violence debate}

*"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."  (Rich Cook)

*"I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge."  (Edward Chilton)

*Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --His reply

*The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them. (William Clayton)

*I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again.  (Noel Coward, 1956)


A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's  nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.  (Rodney Dangerfield)

If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.   (Rodney Dangerfield)

And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with.   (Rodney Dangerfield)

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.   (Rodney Dangerfield)

One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that for? He said .... Because you came home early.  (Rodney Dangerfield)

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.   (Rodney Dangerfield)

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.   (Rodney Dangerfield)

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.   (Rodney Dangerfield)

My mother never breast fed me.She told me that she only liked me as a friend.   (Rodney Dangerfield)

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.  (Rodney Dangerfield)

When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could....but he pulled through.   (Rodney Dangerfield)

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.   (Rodney Dangerfield)

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.   (Rodney Dangerfield)

Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ..... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide.   (Rodney Dangerfield)

On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its different...when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.   (Rodney Dangerfield)

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.   (Rodney Dangerfield)

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.   (Rodney Dangerfield)

I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.   (Rodney Dangerfield)

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!   (Rodney Dangerfield)

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face .... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!   (Rodney Dangerfield)

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.   (Rodney Dangerfield)

*If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.  (David Daye)

*Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. ( Phyllis Diller )

*And that's the world in a nutshell -- an appropriate receptacle. ( Stan Dunn )


*"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."  (Albert Einstein)

*"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. "Women marry men with the hope they will change. "Invaribly they are both disappointed."  (Albert Einstein)


*I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. (W.C. Fields)

*A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. (W.C. Fields)

*What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?  (W.C. Fields)


"Is being an idiot like being high all the time?" - Janeane Garofalo

Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot. Don't put anything in your beer that a pig wouldn't eat.  (David Geary)

*When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. -From "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in "Life In Hell'', by (Matt Groening)

*When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. (Sacha Guitry)


*Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. (Lisa Hoffman)

*"It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others."  (John Andrew Holmes)

*"There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for."  (Fred Hoyle)

*"Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it."  (Max Frisch)



*A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. (William James)

*Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.  (Jarger)

*"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'" - (Jake Johansen)

*After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.  (Hemant Joshi)


*"Time's fun when you're having flies." (Kermit the Frog)

*Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.  ( Henry Kissinger)


*"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat." - John Lehman (US secretary of the Navy)

*She's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. (Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancee)

*Never go to bed mad. Stay awake all night and plot horrible REVENGE!!!! (Vince Lewonski)

*"Everything you see I owe to spaghetti." ~ (Sophia Loren)

If you win a trophy greaty.  But if you can fit one up butt,your amazing.  (Stephan Loucks)


*Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe (Jackie Mason)

*Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.  (Montaigne)

*"My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed."  (Christopher Morley)

*Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.  (David Moulton)


*The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words. -From an article on the growth of federal regulations in the Oct. 24th issue of (National Review)



*One more drink and I'd be under the host.  (Dorothy Parker)




*After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."  ( Ronnie Shakes )

*By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man. (Socrates)


*"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph." ~~ Shirley Temple

*"The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."  (Kilgore Trout)

*"In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time."  (Edward P. Tryon)

*A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. (Lana Turner)

*Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.  ( Mark Twain )

*Suppose you were an idiot....And suppose you were a member of  Congress....But I repeat myself. (Mark Twain)




*Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. (Tom Waits)

*I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. (Tom Waits)

*I am a deeply superficial person. ( Andy Warhol )

"The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take this milk. Why do we drink *cow* milk?? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em!"?" - Bill Watterson (‘Calvin & Hobbes’)

*(Calvin and Hobbes): "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."  (Bill Watterson)

*Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. (Mae West)

*My school colors were "clear".  (Steven Wright)

*I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. (Steven Wright)

*I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.  (Steven Wright)

*My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, "If you could know  how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?"  I said, "No." She said, "Okay, then forget it."  (Steven Wright)

*I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I  was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time".  (Steven Wright)

*Hermits have no peer pressure.  (Steven Wright)

*Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.  (Steven Wright)

*There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.  (Steven Wright)

*How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there? (Steven Wright)

*The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."  (Steven Wright)

*What a nice night for an evening.  (Steven Wright)

*When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15."  I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"  (Steven Wright)

*Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?  (Steven Wright)

*I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.  (Steven Wright)

*I live on a one-way dead-end street.  (Steven Wright)

*It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.  (Steven Wright)

*Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.  (Steven Wright)

*I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks -- I'm not going that far."  (Steven Wright)

*I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained.  (Steven Wright)

*Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?  (Steven Wright)

*When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment.  When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.  (Steven Wright)



*When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.  (Henny Youngman)


Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. (Catherine Zandonella)

*"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."  (Carl Zwanzig)  

*A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.  (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

*I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window! - Steve Bluestone

Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? - George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking fivemiles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we doesn't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneris

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. - Sue Kolinsky

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.- Carol Leifer

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. - Jackie Gleason

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" - Jay Leno

I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..." - Mike Binder

Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. - Stephen Leacock The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. - Roger Simon

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. - Pearl Williams

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. - Dave Edison

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes. --Oscar Wilde

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

Beer is good food.

you don't like jail? naw, they got the wrong kind of bars in there. --Charles Bukowski

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy

My problem with most athletic challenges is training. I'm lazy and find that workouts cut into my drinking time.--A Wolverine is Eating My Leg

Put it back in the horse! --H. Allen Smith, an American humorist in the '30s-'50s, after he drank his first American beer at a bar.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier. -Anonymous Never accept a drink from a urologist. -Erma Bombeck

Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial. -Sydney Biddle Barrows, the "Mayflower Madam"

Never say "Oops" in the operating room. - Dr. Leo Troy

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end". Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me. -Tim Allen

Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. -Dan Zevin

Never thrust your sickle into another's corn. -Publius Syrus

Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap. -Anonymous member of a chain gang

Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much. -G.K. Chesterton

Never use while sleeping. -Instruction on Conair hair dryer

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!" -Rita Rudner

Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide. -Woodrow Wilson

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room. -Winston Churchill

Never stand between a dog and the hydrant. -John Peers

Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants. -Geraldo Rivera

Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts. -Ruth Gordon

Never pick a fight with anyone who buys ink by the barrel. -American adage about antagonizing newspaper editors.

"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off."

-Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." -Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." -Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

"It's like deja vu all over again." -Yogi Berra

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese" -Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jack*ss, and I'm just the one to do it." -A congressional candidate in Texas

"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody."

-Richard M. Nixon

"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money." -Everett Dirksen

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on." -Samuel Goldwyn

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." -General William Westmoreland

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet." -Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. - Frederick Ryder

Women need a reason to have sex -- men just need a place. - Billy Crystal.

Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love you instead of laugh at you. - Mrs. Patrick Campbell

A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four

times; her intelligence, eight times. - Sanskrit proverb

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfeld

When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment. - Warren Farrell

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it. - Lyndon B. Johnson

God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question. - Anonymous

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. -- Franklin P. Jones

2. Women's creed: Men are like linoleum. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for 20 years.

3. Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions. -- Woody Allen

4. Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.

5. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

6. All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. -- Jane Wagner

7. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":

1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating.

-- Psychology professor in neurophysiology intro course

8. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. -- Oscar Wilde

9. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. -- Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960

10. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown

11. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones

12. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. -- Douglas Adams

13. As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so. -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney

14. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. -- Ashleigh Brilliant

15. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

-- Ashleigh Brilliant

16. Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.

17. Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots say to his students? A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.

18. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "probably because of something you did." --Jack Handey

19. In weight lifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you. --Jack Handey

20. A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby." --Also Jack Handey

21. "Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates, what is the meaning of life?' or 'Socrates, how can I find happiness?', did anyone ever say 'Socrates, hemlock is poison.'???????" -Socrates minutes before death

22. Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book that is admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.

23. Television is called a medium. This is because it is neither rare, nor well done.

24. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

25. The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

26. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

E-mail us at .   The Funny Firm  P.O. Box 1446 Thousand Oaks, Ca. 91358

[New Jokes] [Celebrity Phone Numbers]

Copyright 2009